I need advice :( feel like im going crazy

about the domestic violence aspect..

Even if it does concern me I don't think he has "threatened" me... he has said he has horrible nightmares in which he ends up hurting me, and we wakes up crying because he can't believe he could be capable of hurting me, and he hates himself for those dreams.. then tells me that when he gets very angry he fears he might lose control which prevents him from wanting to deal with this feelings.. which prevents him even further from wanting to be ok with the whole thing.. Im not defending him but rather trying to put everything on perspective..nor am I on denial because i would never allow myself to be in a situation of immediate danger because i love myself enough AND my kids.. I talked with him this weekend and explained to him that this is part of who i am and that I am not gonna stop wanting it even if it doesn't work out with my current girlfriend, i truly believe i have found myself or a side of myself that was lost and that i need to be happy... even though he can't still understand he says he wants to try for me.. i just wish it didn't have to be such a huge sacrifice on his side.. We still have to work so much on the whole possessiveness thing because he really believes i need to ask him permission for everything and how I've been living like that for 10 years, i don't know.. but really i think its because its never really prevented me from doing what I want because he's always been OK with my choices up until now.. how do i explain to him that even though we're married he does not OWN me.. i will definitely try to look up some counseling to see if it helps our situation. and thanks for all the tips for safety!
 
Thank you for clarifying that part better.

Dreams are "noise." They don't mean anything really. Hating himself over dreams is not logical.

when he gets very angry he fears he might lose control which prevents him from wanting to deal with this feelings.
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Stuffing them away or ignoring them till he pops --- that just helps set up a self fulfilling prophecy. The solution is to express how he feels, vent, and sort it out along the way so he doesn't get to that high level of intensity where he "pops."

We still have to work so much on the whole possessiveness thing because he really believes i need to ask him permission for everything
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What behaviors are part of that "trying" thing?

  • Does that mean he willing to see a counselor?
  • Is he willing to place dreams in "noise" bucket and not give them so much value?
  • Is he willing to learn to express his feelings and vent appropriately along the way to prevent him from going "Pop!"
  • Is he willing to learn how to deal with anger/conflict resolution in new ways so even if he does experience anger, he can know how to DE-escalate something rather than escalate it?
  • Is he willing to let go of the belief that he owns you?

What about you?

  • Are you will to see a counselor?
  • Keep stuff with your GF low key while sorting this?
  • Not date any extra new people?

I think you each could articulate what behaviors you are and are not willing to do in working this out.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Dreams are "noise." They don't mean anything really.
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While your other points are well taken, many would disagree about dreams being mere noise. Quite the contrary, I say.

Shakespeare said:
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep."
 
Fair enough.

I just think in this particular situation his dreams are "noise" that distract him from problem solving. Because if he gets all caught up his dreams about her leaving him when she is right there and still willing to work things out?

Behavior-wise he's caught up in all that. He is not meeting her part way to be working things out with her. He's paying attention to the dreams and adding to his fears out rather focussing on problem solving with her to take away from his fears.

I don't see how that behavior helps him, her or them.

Galagirl
 
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the whole groupsex thing is great sometimes... After a while it isn't such a big deal, and the participants stop obsessing over it once the fantasy has been thoroughly fulfilled... In my experience anyway.
 
I just want to add that you can just open anything you don't want to manually delete from your browser history, by using the incognito mode. It's Control + Shift + N-key and I use Chrome and Opera. Apple, I don't know.
 
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