stimpackaddict
New member
I am a 32 year old female graduate student that lives in southern New Mexico. My brother, sister, and I grew up around pagans and hippies and all sorts of people from different religious and philosophical backgrounds. It was not uncommon to see people moving from tent to tent at big community Solstice gatherings. We weren't told about it nor was anything hidden; we were told things when we asked. We never cared lol. As I grew older and neared the end of high school, among my many library visits, I discovered polyamory. Off and on through college I read about and it and regardless of my then unawareness of myself or my emotional awareness I felt this was something for me, that I was capable of, but would need to learn myself and emotions and communication before I ever did. I don't actively date hardly at all, am more of an introvert than an extrovert that has increased slightly over the years, have been through therapy many times, no kids yet. I have had a few poly experiences and relationships the past few years, most without real solid emotional connections or ties. I have anxiety disorder, a low level panic disorder, off and on clinical depression since I was eighteen, off and on bad self esteem and self worth, a tom boy, a pagan, bisexual, empathic, nerd, gamer, I like to draw, I like reading books and graphic novels, I am back on medications for the first time since 2007 due to being back in college after eight years and a tumultuous past year of compounded emotional stress from various life events. I am getting better and better and happier and am begrudgingly glad I let my friends talk me into going back on a low dose of meds for a while. But a relationship I am now is going well and I am and have been in a stuck place about poly for a while. I have a small story to tell to explain where I am and what I need some experienced voice guidance with.
In December 2012 I began a relationship with a long time friend of my sister and I, who was married, and the wife, he and I spoke and we found out we were all into open marriages or poly. What my sister and I didn't know (who was my roommate at the time) is that their relationship was heavily troubled by the wife: emotional abuse, making up lies in general, severely emotionally unaware and controlling, and other things. We learned later they opened their marriage to spice up their marriage and try other things, which was hard for the husband as this was his first marriage and all ready 40, and was a serial monogamous dog in his younger days in and after the navy. He loved this woman and for ten years denied her true nature and thought he could help her by leading my example. He grew up with a navy pilot father, a mother who was a teacher with a masters in psychology, and an amazing communicating loving family. He lived in denial for many years with her and my sister and I had no idea, we were not told about any of that until he and I began seeing each other.
We learned we both had a strong attraction to one another and began dating. The wife saw other people but never talked to me directly about issues she was having with he and I and always spoke through him and didn't like how close we got, to the surprise of us both, in a few weeks. It was a few days after we dated we realized we fell in love and were compatible on many levels and in many ways and needed those things about each other more than we realized. It scared the shit out of me. After proposing a sort of contract that I had read about in The Ethical Slut (that she refused to read) she freaked out. She asked us to end it. She said she didn't want to do any of it any more. Three days later she told him why don't they still do it but do a "don't ask don't tell" after she seduced him for sex like she was happy. He was appalled and angry and said no that's cheating. Then she said to do She met me for dinner at my request to tell me he was using me and a liar and telling me things I knew to be a lie. It was then my sister and I saw her true nature and everything went to shit. Long story short, they were headed to a divorce, showed up at a scheduled first couples therapy appointment with divorce papers. I told him I was angry he didn't tell me their problems before I got involved as I had seen this happen many times with couples suddenly jumping into alternative lifestyles as a quick way to think they will solve their marriage issues or a cowardly way out. I didn't see it coming. At a casual dinner with he, my sister, and I after we ended it, she called my phone and his phone, after telling us she was working late after still going to see a man she met online, and it turns out she the date ran short and she didn't work and grabbed her teenage son and drove by my apartment. She screamed on the phone how I was a home wrecker and he was a cheating whore and called his parents and spilled the secret of their two year life choice. Then he and I had to stop talking by my choice because I didn't want to be pulled into an adultery charge at the beginning of a divorce and learned what an unstable crazy woman I never knew her to be, and she was a friend.
Three months went by and somehow I got involved with a couple I only knew through an acquaintance from another friend. They were heavy into BDSM and had a M/S relationship, and I do consider myself kinky on a small level, had never seen the lifestyle experienced firsthand. It didn't take long to realize they were in an abusive situation and I was dating the husband and he reminded me too much of my exhusband and a bad bad man.
Then and I get a call from my exlover. We began speaking. In that time I left the couple and my friend and I talked again. In may 2013 we decided to try real casual dating. But he wanted to stay poly and open and not be tied down and knew he had issues from his marriage and so did I. We wanted to just enjoy each other and we did for almost two years. But I had never experienced poly with a person I was in love with and wanted to be with. I want children and a family and he raised his step kids and has no bio kids of his own and it wasn't long when it came out he was adamant about not wanting kids at all or being another stepdad (which severely limits his dating pool for my area honestly). He rarely stayed at my house, never left personal articles there, I almost always stayed at his house, he dated other women regularly and I was always jealous, afraid, scared, and didn't know it was bringing my anxiety back. I always pretended he was home alone or I wouldn't sleep at night. He embraced our love for each other but kept me at arms length and wouldn't commit as my primary but acted like it. We went through some wonderful times and hard lows in our lime due to events not about us or we were drawn into.
Then I decided to go back to school last fall, it was a hard decision. I also tried my hand at stepping outside my comfort zone and dating myself with a couple of men I met online and never went past a first date. I did began flirting with a man that came to where I worked for three years, a massage school, and I had known who he was because of local pagan events and he was in a couple of classes with my sister while she was in college, and knew who he was but not his name. He came to the school to become licensed to take over his mother's long time and successful massage practice and he was out of a five year relationship almost a year at that point, with a woman who cheated on him and lied when they decided to open up finally to poly. We found out within a month we had a lot in common and liked each other a lot. But he was a student and by ethics and school, we did not persue a relationship until he was complete with it and we kept our attraction as much under wraps as possible, but we did talk to my boss about it as he is a wonderful man and a friend and he was cool. I told my partner at the time and he was happy for me and encouraged by it. That was something I was never able to do for him. I never felt happy when he dated or happy for him, I always felt scared and feared he was going to leave me at any time because of facts stated above. I was kept so far from him I never felt embraced into his life as a part of him yet he tried to make me feel like I was.
This other man and I shared texts and secret kisses here and there but we never dated until the end of november when he was finished. Then my partner at the time began seeing a woman he met through a friend of a friend that he had absolutely nothing in common with. But he was attracted to her, and she had a kid. As was the habit that came with his dating, he seemed to attract broken women or women with issues or women that said they knew what poly was or had been involved with it, yet would see how he and I and out priorities to each other were and would freak out and leave and realize they wanted mono. I was happy each time they did and felt terrible about it. He pursued this woman, they had a brief two month fling while I and my new man pursued ours but we still saw each other. But I felt something from him but didn't push it because he would tell me when he was ready. In December my new man had sudden hard times for his family: one of his brothers passed over Christmas. I had to fly out for my first in person school visit for this online program to Dallas, where my sister now lives, in January and my then partner went with me for a few days for his birthday. On his last day his fling dumped him over a text, the worst way possible, and was scared and freaked out seeing how real it was him flying out with me and being with her. She didn't want to have anymore to do with him. Yet he chased her and wanted to talk to her and to this day he doesn't know why, he just liked her, and knows he was stupid.
(CONT NEW THREAD)
In December 2012 I began a relationship with a long time friend of my sister and I, who was married, and the wife, he and I spoke and we found out we were all into open marriages or poly. What my sister and I didn't know (who was my roommate at the time) is that their relationship was heavily troubled by the wife: emotional abuse, making up lies in general, severely emotionally unaware and controlling, and other things. We learned later they opened their marriage to spice up their marriage and try other things, which was hard for the husband as this was his first marriage and all ready 40, and was a serial monogamous dog in his younger days in and after the navy. He loved this woman and for ten years denied her true nature and thought he could help her by leading my example. He grew up with a navy pilot father, a mother who was a teacher with a masters in psychology, and an amazing communicating loving family. He lived in denial for many years with her and my sister and I had no idea, we were not told about any of that until he and I began seeing each other.
We learned we both had a strong attraction to one another and began dating. The wife saw other people but never talked to me directly about issues she was having with he and I and always spoke through him and didn't like how close we got, to the surprise of us both, in a few weeks. It was a few days after we dated we realized we fell in love and were compatible on many levels and in many ways and needed those things about each other more than we realized. It scared the shit out of me. After proposing a sort of contract that I had read about in The Ethical Slut (that she refused to read) she freaked out. She asked us to end it. She said she didn't want to do any of it any more. Three days later she told him why don't they still do it but do a "don't ask don't tell" after she seduced him for sex like she was happy. He was appalled and angry and said no that's cheating. Then she said to do She met me for dinner at my request to tell me he was using me and a liar and telling me things I knew to be a lie. It was then my sister and I saw her true nature and everything went to shit. Long story short, they were headed to a divorce, showed up at a scheduled first couples therapy appointment with divorce papers. I told him I was angry he didn't tell me their problems before I got involved as I had seen this happen many times with couples suddenly jumping into alternative lifestyles as a quick way to think they will solve their marriage issues or a cowardly way out. I didn't see it coming. At a casual dinner with he, my sister, and I after we ended it, she called my phone and his phone, after telling us she was working late after still going to see a man she met online, and it turns out she the date ran short and she didn't work and grabbed her teenage son and drove by my apartment. She screamed on the phone how I was a home wrecker and he was a cheating whore and called his parents and spilled the secret of their two year life choice. Then he and I had to stop talking by my choice because I didn't want to be pulled into an adultery charge at the beginning of a divorce and learned what an unstable crazy woman I never knew her to be, and she was a friend.
Three months went by and somehow I got involved with a couple I only knew through an acquaintance from another friend. They were heavy into BDSM and had a M/S relationship, and I do consider myself kinky on a small level, had never seen the lifestyle experienced firsthand. It didn't take long to realize they were in an abusive situation and I was dating the husband and he reminded me too much of my exhusband and a bad bad man.
Then and I get a call from my exlover. We began speaking. In that time I left the couple and my friend and I talked again. In may 2013 we decided to try real casual dating. But he wanted to stay poly and open and not be tied down and knew he had issues from his marriage and so did I. We wanted to just enjoy each other and we did for almost two years. But I had never experienced poly with a person I was in love with and wanted to be with. I want children and a family and he raised his step kids and has no bio kids of his own and it wasn't long when it came out he was adamant about not wanting kids at all or being another stepdad (which severely limits his dating pool for my area honestly). He rarely stayed at my house, never left personal articles there, I almost always stayed at his house, he dated other women regularly and I was always jealous, afraid, scared, and didn't know it was bringing my anxiety back. I always pretended he was home alone or I wouldn't sleep at night. He embraced our love for each other but kept me at arms length and wouldn't commit as my primary but acted like it. We went through some wonderful times and hard lows in our lime due to events not about us or we were drawn into.
Then I decided to go back to school last fall, it was a hard decision. I also tried my hand at stepping outside my comfort zone and dating myself with a couple of men I met online and never went past a first date. I did began flirting with a man that came to where I worked for three years, a massage school, and I had known who he was because of local pagan events and he was in a couple of classes with my sister while she was in college, and knew who he was but not his name. He came to the school to become licensed to take over his mother's long time and successful massage practice and he was out of a five year relationship almost a year at that point, with a woman who cheated on him and lied when they decided to open up finally to poly. We found out within a month we had a lot in common and liked each other a lot. But he was a student and by ethics and school, we did not persue a relationship until he was complete with it and we kept our attraction as much under wraps as possible, but we did talk to my boss about it as he is a wonderful man and a friend and he was cool. I told my partner at the time and he was happy for me and encouraged by it. That was something I was never able to do for him. I never felt happy when he dated or happy for him, I always felt scared and feared he was going to leave me at any time because of facts stated above. I was kept so far from him I never felt embraced into his life as a part of him yet he tried to make me feel like I was.
This other man and I shared texts and secret kisses here and there but we never dated until the end of november when he was finished. Then my partner at the time began seeing a woman he met through a friend of a friend that he had absolutely nothing in common with. But he was attracted to her, and she had a kid. As was the habit that came with his dating, he seemed to attract broken women or women with issues or women that said they knew what poly was or had been involved with it, yet would see how he and I and out priorities to each other were and would freak out and leave and realize they wanted mono. I was happy each time they did and felt terrible about it. He pursued this woman, they had a brief two month fling while I and my new man pursued ours but we still saw each other. But I felt something from him but didn't push it because he would tell me when he was ready. In December my new man had sudden hard times for his family: one of his brothers passed over Christmas. I had to fly out for my first in person school visit for this online program to Dallas, where my sister now lives, in January and my then partner went with me for a few days for his birthday. On his last day his fling dumped him over a text, the worst way possible, and was scared and freaked out seeing how real it was him flying out with me and being with her. She didn't want to have anymore to do with him. Yet he chased her and wanted to talk to her and to this day he doesn't know why, he just liked her, and knows he was stupid.
(CONT NEW THREAD)
