I recently learned that I can have emotions for someone other than my wife

J

justthe3ofus

New member
I have been married since 2014. We've been together over 20 years now. From the beginning, I've always known that my wife is bisexual. She's never acted upon it, if you will.

Recently I learned that I can have very deep emotions for someone else. I've been struggling with it because I was raised completely different. I was taught that when you're married you have no eyes for anybody else, whatsoever.

I've spoken with my wife. We have nightly long talks. She is okay with this. I personally want to explore this more, I guess.

I don't know the feelings that I'm going with. I don't know if I'm scared. It's overwhelming because I'm not used to having a thought or a feeling towards anybody other than my wife.

We are on the coast of Oregon in Tillamook County.

I don't mind discussing with anybody that feels that they could possibly help me out. I'd prefer a female to speak with, or whatnot, just because I tend to get along better with females. I feel more comfortable opening up to a female.

Again, we have no problems. I have no problems discussing with anybody. That's just a preference. Is there anybody, either in the county here or somewhere on the Oregon coast, that might be willing to talk with me and help me figure out exactly what this is that I am feeling?

I don't know if it's new, if it's I'm scared of rejection, if it's I'm scared of the unknown.
 
Hello justthe3ofus,

I am probably not the person you want to talk to, as I am male and live in New Mexico. But, if you have any questions for me, I'd be happy to answer. Right now it sounds like you are having a conflict between your heart and your upbringing. I suggest you take a good long look at your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. Which of those are truly beneficial to you, and which are better described as junk leftover from your social programming, and cluttering up your life? Monogamous conditioning is very powerful, and very dysfunctional.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello justthe3ofus,

I am probably not the person you want to talk to, as I am male and live in New Mexico. But, if you have any questions for me, I'd be happy to answer. Right now it sounds like you are having a conflict between your heart and your upbringing. I suggest you take a good long look at your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. Which of those are truly beneficial to you, and which are better described as junk leftover from your social programming, and cluttering up your life? Monogamous conditioning is very powerful, and very dysfunctional.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
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Thank you. I may just reach out in the next couple of days.
 
justthe3ofus said:
I've been struggling with it because I was raised completely different. I was taught that when you're married you have no eyes for anybody else, whatsoever
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justthe3ofus said:
I don't know the feelings that I'm going with. I don't know if I'm scared. It's overwhelming because I'm not used to having a thought or a feeling towards anybody other than my wife.
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Its hard when a strong belief system is challenged. The feelings are very confusing indeed! You can be feeling more than one feeling at a time. Lust, attraction, or love to someone other than your wife, excitement, shock or fear to have feelings for two people at the same time when you thought that was impossible. Embarrassment or guilt for feeling something for someone who is not your wife and shame for feeling excited about those same feelings. Scared about what it all means for you and the future of your relationship. It can be overwhelming.


justthe3ofus said:
I don't know if it's new, if it's I'm scared of rejection, if it's I'm scared of the unknown
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Probably all of the above. Give yourself grace. Some of these will settle down. Try reading some books on polyamory (opening up, more than two) or listening to podcasts (multiamory, making polyamory work). Doing this wont guarantee that youll choose poly, but becoming comfortable with the language, understanding that its normal to have feelings for more than one person at a time, can help with the deprogramming of “the one” and will normalize your feelings, hopefully reducing the number of them that you are feeling all at once.
 
I'm not sure if you'd like to discuss the topic of polyamory on the open forum with our members (as is the intent of the board), or are seeking local females to become a shared gf for you and your wife, or both. Would you clarify?

I know you don't want to date Kevin lol
 
Very funny, hahaha
 
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