I Screwed Up

[MsChristy]

My partner Habik was due to visit last weekend (we do long distance) with his other partner, Ann. A day before they were due to visit, he called to tell me that due to problems he and Ann have been having with their relationship, she had asked him to avoid doing anything sexual at all with me, so that they could have more time to focus on themselves. I was not happy about this, and made that very clear to Habik, but he told me he did not want things to be awkward for the visit, and he would discuss it with her more after the visit.

So they visited. I even got to have a 1-on-1 talk with Ann for the first time in a long while. We started to bond. She started to see where I was coming from. Seemed like things were going great. Then one night after Ann had gone to bed, Habik and I stayed up, had a bit too much to drink, and we ended up violating her request. As soon as we realized what we were doing, we both immediately stopped.

I told my husband Carlose what happened. He is fine with it/doesn't care. However, Habik does not want to come clean to Ann, because he is worried with the issues they are having she will see it as a reason to leave him, which he does not want right now, as they are trying to work on things. I hate the idea of keeping secrets, and never really wanted to be in this situation, but am honoring Habik's request not to tell Ann.

I hate being in this situation, and am not sure we are doing the right thing, but I also think he should be the one to tell Ann what happened.

 

[bookbug]

My 2 cents: Ann's request was unreasonable. I do not know the backstory, but I fail to understand why she believes she has the right to dictate the terms of your relationship with Habik, when the problem is with their relationship.

Is this justification for breaking the agreement you two made with her? No. And yet, I understand why it happened. Unreasonable request.

Now, I get that you don't feel comfortable keeping it from her. But just as it was unreasonable for her to inflict their relationship issues into yours; your being uncomfortable does not make it right to meddle in theirs. That is up to Habik.

All of that said, if you and Ann have a relationship beyond Habik, then you have to consider the repercussions of that. If you have a relationship with Ann because of Habik, then again, it is between them.

 

[MsChristy]

My 2 cents: Ann's request was unreasonable. I do not know the backstory, but I fail to understand why she believes she has the right to dictate the terms of your relationship with Habik, when the problem is with their relationship.

Is this justification for breaking the agreement you two made with her? No. And yet, I understand why it happened. Unreasonable request.

Now, I get that you don't feel comfortable keeping it from her. But just as it was unreasonable for her to inflict their relationship issues into yours; your being uncomfortable does not make it right to meddle in theirs. That is up to Habik

All of that said, if you and Ann have a relationship beyond Habik, then you have to consider the repercussions of that. If you have a relationship with Ann because of Habik, then again, it is between them.

While I knew Ann and Habik both prior to Habik and me becoming involved, and used to be good friends with both of them when we all lived in the same area, I am much closer to Habik now. Even Ann admits that our friendship has drifted since I moved, and since she has moved on and developed other local friends. So while I consider us friends, I doubt we would hang out much if it weren't for Habik.

 

[GalaGirl]

It doesn't matter if her request to Habik was reasonable/not reasonable at this point. He agreed to something with her. Then he made MsChristy aware he had an agreement to keep with Ann. MsChristy did not help him keep/honor his agreements.

It was commendable that you both stopped, but that's not keeping your noses clean, is it?

Now Habik doesn't want to come clean to Ann, and is asking you to be his accomplice in a lie of omission. You agree to do so at this time.

You hate the idea of keeping secrets. But you are doing it anyway.

You never really wanted to be in this situation. But here you are.

You think he should be the one to tell her. You do not seem to be asking what you could do to restore right relationships here. This situation was co-created, not by him alone.

You say are not sure you are doing the right thing. I think you do know you are going against your own values in your conduct, otherwise your feelings would not be pinging you that there is inner conflict/discord and you wouldn't title your post "I screwed up."

So, what would you like to do next so that you can start to feel better?

I'd suggest you tell him you both could tell her together, apologize, and ask for opportunity to make amends and restore trust. If he's fearful of the response, you could reassure him that you will be there for him. But if he wants to continue to lie, you plan to stop lying and will no longer support lying. He'll have to continue it alone.

We are free to choose. We are not free from the consequences of our choices.

If she's got people lying to her, better 1 than 2. The best would be 0. But you could make sure your nose, is clean if the goal is honest ethical polyshipping here.

Galagirl

 

[MsChristy]

Now Habik doesn't want to come clean to Ann, and is asking you to be his accomplice in a lie of omission. You agree to do so at this time.

You hate the idea of keeping secrets, But do it anyway.

You never really wanted to be in this situation, But here you are.

You think he should be the one to tell her. You do not seem to ask what YOU could do to restore right relationships here. This situation was co-created, not by him alone.

While I do trust Habik, I wonder if I were his primary, would he be keeping secrets from me? Granted, we tell each other everything, and I know this is the first big secret he has kept from her, but still.

You say are not sure you are doing the right thing. I think you do know you are going against your own values in your conduct, otherwise your feelings would not be pinging you that there is inner conflict/discord and you wouldn't title your post "I screwed up."

To me, a big part of a poly/open relationship is open and honest communication. I feel that participating in a lie of omission is not something I want to build my relationship with Habik on.

What would you like to do next so that you can start to feel better?

I'd suggest you tell him you both could tell her together, apologize, and ask for opportunity to make amends and restore trust. If he's fearful of the response, you could reassure him that you will be there for him. But if he wants to continue to lie, you plan to stop lying and will no longer support lying. He'll have to continue it alone.

We are free to choose. We are not free from the consequences of our choices.

If she's got people lying to her, better 1 than 2. Best would be 0. But you could make sure your nose is clean, if the goal is honest ethical polyshipping.

While I think it is an interesting idea, I am not sure Habik would be comfortable telling Ann with me.

To give some more back story, Habik and Ann have been having relationship troubles for sometime. Habik has been honest with Ann that he sees the two of them breaking up at some point. He does not see her as someone he wants to be with for the rest of his life, but I don't want our indiscretion to be the ultimate reason they break up.