I swear it was cheating!

[SheBLittleButFierce]

So I was here a few months ago and desperately asking for help because my primary was a gaslighting narcissist. I dumped him but in the midst of it I've become very good friends with his other girlfriend who also dumped him. She is new to poly but always believed open relationships could work but preferred to see where things went. She doesn't believe we fill titles, she thinks we make them. It's rewarding to see someone who applies this to life in all categories, not just the romantic ones.

This is where I need some advice. Because she is new to poly I wanted her to know that what this primary did was cheating. The lying, the games, the telling each other tales of the other girl in the relationship while manipulating and devaluing the emotions from that were all a version of cheating. I call this cheating and I firmly believe that cheating can occur in any relationship including poly. But my issue is this. How much of my viewpoint is because I am hurt?

I've already moved past this, I have a short recovery when I find out that a pretender is actually a drug and substance abusing idiot that hates women and don't mourn for very long. I don't want revenge because if you lose two women in a week and if you have brilliant women in your list of exes (I'm friends with many and their greatest successes came after leaving him) but can't keep them, you'll never learn anything. I have no interest in the primary or where he goes from here. But I care very much about how this past year affects my future forays into the dating game and how this affects my perceptions. The other girlfriend and now very good friend deserves a view of poly that doesn't include my sense of betrayal.

Is it safe to say that lying, pitting your girlfriends against each other by telling each of them stories about the other, omission, and all while trying desperately to sleep with less than legal age girls without protection in an agreed upon fluid bond, cheating?

 

[GalaGirl]

Is it safe to say that lying, pitting your girlfriends against each other by telling each of them stories about the other, omission, and all while trying desperately to sleep with less than legal age girls without protection in an agreed upon fluid bond, cheating?

FWIW? To me it sounds like cheating and it sounds gross with the underage girls.

Because she is new to poly I wanted her to know that what this primary did was cheating.

I think she could see that for herself. You don't have to "teach" it to her. I suppose you could tell her ONCE that you find these behaviors terrible and abhorrent.

Then let her make her own call about them. Her learning/beliefs are up to her.

Galagirl

 

[SheBLittleButFierce]

Thanks GalaGirl.

I have already said that and told her I have a view of cheating that involves any lying, broken promises (like fluid bonds) or being less than honest. It wasn't in reference to this primary though. I'll just tell her all of my tags for cheating popped up and let her go from there.

Thanks!

 

[PhysicsIsPants]

IMHO, I feel that it is appropriate to refer to this as cheating.

As a personal comment, I am glad that you both are no longer involved in what sounds like an emotionally manipulative and abusive relationship. Good on both of you for getting out of that kind of situation.

 

[Ravenscroft]

How much of my viewpoint is because I am hurt?
I care very much about how this past year affects my future forays into the dating game and how this affects my perceptions.

I'd say don't over-think it.

IME, most people will deny they have ANY emotional baggage, biases, prejudices, & so on. When they react inappropriately or even bizarrely to some stimulus, they generally rationalize it -- create a reasonable-seeming fantasy to justify their reaction.

Being able to see how others do this is a vital tool in being a good mediator (or teacher, coach, therapist, counselor...).

But being able to believe that you yourself MIGHT be reacting to an old "trigger" puts you waaaay ahead of most people.

Leave yourself open to the possibility that you might make a questionable decision because of a past encounter with a pernicious dumbass... but don't fall prey to analysis paralysis.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi SheBLittle,

As far as relationships go, I basically define cheating as acting without one's partner's consent, that is, to start a new relationship without getting one's partner's consent. So I can't tell whether your situation fits that definition. However, I want to point out that there are many actions that are worse than cheating, and I think your ex is guilty of a number of those actions.

That's my take on it anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[drgnfly]

Is it safe to say that lying, pitting your girlfriends against each other by telling each of them stories about the other, omission, and all while trying desperately to sleep with less than legal age girls without protection in an agreed upon fluid bond, cheating?

yes anytime lying and deceitfulness is used to break something agreed upon would be considered cheating. Everything else said just shows his character.

 

[Emm]

Is it safe to say that lying, pitting your girlfriends against each other by telling each of them stories about the other, omission, and all while trying desperately to sleep with less than legal age girls without protection in an agreed upon fluid bond, cheating?

I'd call the lack of protection while in an agreed upon fluid bond cheating, but the rest is just someone being a dick.

Not every driving infraction is speeding, and not every unpleasantness in a relationship is cheating. That in no way means it's acceptable behaviour or that anyone should put up with it, just that calling it "cheating" is as inaccurate as giving out a parking ticket for running a red light.