I think I am poly... but I am already married

[LadyLeStrange]

So here's the deal: I have been married to my husband for three years, dating for even longer. We have a daughter together. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, and I don't want to "break up" with him or anything, but I am not happy. I think I might be polyamorous, because it's the only explanation I have found that fits the way I feel.

Now, my husband has been so insanely jealous, even to the point where I was forced to drive away all my friends just to keep him from leaving. When we first started dating, my best friend was a guy. My husband was insanely jealous of him. I ended up severing a good relationship for him. And that was not the only time. If I even show the slightest amount of attraction to someone else, he flips out, accuses me of cheating... blah blah blah.

Anyway...

I recently made a new lady friend. My husband has a crush on her. He likes her A LOT. Ever since she came into our lives, he has started working out, doing his hair, wearing cologne whenever he's around her, dressing nicer, texting her all the time. He goes to church with her. (I am Pagan and he is Christian, but he is questioning his beliefs lately.)

To be honest, this doesn't bother me! I talked to him about it. I told him that I didn't mind if he developed a relationship with her (or another girl), just as long as he was honest and open with me. And he agreed. He thought I was trying to trick him or something at first, but I mean, I honestly don't mind if he has a girlfriend, just as long as he doesn't run off and leave me for her. I am willing to share! He had his doubts about my claim, but I have kept telling him and I think it's starting to sink in.

The weird thing is, it doesn't make me jealous when he is with her or texting her or anything. I am happy for him.

So far, nothing much has happened between him and this girl (at least physically). I mean, I can tell they are growing closer, and she trusts him and likes being with him. But to be honest, it's probably because he's married and she doesn't want to make him a cheater or something. We haven't talked to her about it.

But what about me? Should I just suffer in silence to avoid a potentially messy confrontation, or should I talk to him about my real feelings? What if he can't accept that part of me? Should I wait? I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be welcome.

Edit: Also, when we were dating, we had talked about possibly having another couple or another woman joining us in the bedroom, but we never found a willing couple or woman, and we just sort of dropped the subject. He seems fine with me being in a relationship with another woman, but another man just freaks him out.

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

My husband has been insanely jealous, even to the point where I was forced to drive away all my friends just to keep him from leaving.

To me, this is a HUGE red flag. Any time a spouse forces you to cut off contact with your friends, that makes me extremely apprehensive.

Should I just suffer in silence to avoid a potentially messy confrontation or should I talk to him about my real feelings?

If you feel like you can't talk to your spouse, that's another big warning sign to me. It may be a warning sign about you, rather than him, but it's still not a sign of a healthy relationship.

I'm sorry, this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I don't know that poly is the answer to your problem. From what you've written, it sounds like there are a lot of issues for the two of you to work on already, before you make things even more complicated by adding other people into the mix.

 

[LadyLeStrange]

Correction: he USED to be that insanely jealous. He has gotten a little better. I couldn't take it anymore and started standing up for myself and having friends. I just stay open and honest about the friends I have and he has been much better about it.

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

Oh good! If being honest and open helped there, maybe it would help in this case too.

 

[LadyLeStrange]

I was also thinking that maybe seeing a marriage counselor and working through this with a professional might help. What do you think about that?

 

[AnnabelMore]

I was also thinking that maybe seeing a marriage counselor and working through this with a professional might help...

Absolutely. There are lists of poly-friendly therapists out there. You deserve not to be walking on eggshells, not to be afraid to even talk about the possibility of equality in your relationship.

It's great that he's gotten better, but the behaviors and attitudes you're describing still seem pretty not okay to me. Who has so little perspective or sense of fairness that they think it's okay to have completely uncontrolled jealousy about other guys, while simultaneously primping and obviously crushing out on another woman?

A neutral third party could only help. Good luck.

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

I copied this for you from another thread:

There are poly-friendly professionals, and many who specialize in alternative lifestyle counseling are also a good bet.

Some links for you:
Polychromatic: Poly-Friendly Professionals.

Loving More's List of Poly-Friendly Professionals.

Psychology Today: Find a Therapist. With this one, you can select "Relationship Issues" after you narrow it down for your zip code.

Do you think he'd be open to the idea of going to counseling? Were you thinking of going on your own first?

 

[redpepper]

But what about me? Should i just suffer in silence to avoid a potentially messy confrontation or should I talk to him about my real feelings? What if he can't accept that part of me? Should I wait?

In a nutshell, nope, you should never suffer in silence. Talk to him and let him know if he wants this, you are going to want it too. If he decides he doesn't, because he can't stand the thought of you with someone else, then you have an issue. Once you have talked, make sure that you work on your relationship together so that it is really strong before either of you get too involved with anyone. Nothing like adding partners to fuck up marriages that don't have a solid foundation. I would let him know that before he goes any further with the object of his lust. Time to cool it down and work on the two of you, I think.

 

[LadyLeStrange]

Do you think he'd be open to the idea of going to counseling? Were you thinking of going on your own first?

I was thinking of going to counseling first, and then him joining me a little later so that we can figure out the best approach to bringing this up to him.

 

[LadyLeStrange]

In a nutshell, nope, you shouldn't ever suffer in silence. Talk to him and let him know if he wants this, you are going to want it too. If he decides he doesn't, because he can't stand the thought of you with someone else, then you have an issue. Once you have talked, make sure that you work on your relationship together so that it is really strong before either of you get too involved with anyone. Nothing like adding partners to fuck up marriages that don't have a solid foundation. I would let him know that before he goes any further with the object of his lust. Time to cool it down and work on the two of you.

Well, I think this might be one of the things that is affecting our relationship. I mean, I had many boyfriends before him, while I was his first girlfriend. But even when we were dating and I knew I loved him, I still sought relationships with other guys and even girls. I didn't really understand why I still wanted more relationships when I was supposed to be completely content with just one. I recently heard about polyamory and it just... clicked. It made sense to me and perfectly described how I felt.

When we were dating, and even after we got married, he was resentful towards me, saying that I snatched him up before he could have a relationship with any other girls. At the time, I was incredibly jealous and possessive, and I didn't want him being with any other girls. But I have gotten to a point with him that I am NOT jealous when he is interested in other girls. I trust him completely, because I KNOW that he loves me and wants to be with me. I just don't want him to leave me for someone else. I do love him very much, and it would hurt me to lose him, but like I said, I am willing to share.

One of our biggest problems is that he doesn't trust me enough, because I had still shown interest in other people. Also he is very insecure and jealous. But I think if we could work this trust issue out to where he could truly understand that I DO love him so much, and I don't want to break up for someone else, or anything, that maybe we could work this out agreeably.

 

[vermin06]

I'm seeing red flags waving. He sounds a lot like my douchey ex-boyfriend from before I was married. Anytime he thought I was flirting (thought, when I never did) with other guys, he would accuse me of cheating on him, right off the bat, and I would chase friends off to appease him.

The fact that you were his first girlfriend tells me a lot about his jealousy. Also the fact that he said it's YOUR fault he married so quickly is another huge red flag, and another key to his jealousy, as well.

If he's saying things like, "Well, early on in our relationship, you did X, and I didn't get to, so I want to, but you can't now" is yet another red flag. We call this behavior "retribution" or "revenge." Is this how loving spouses treat their past issues?

His jealousy (even if it has gotten "a little better"), to the point where he has chased off friends of yours in the past, does speak loudly about him, but the fact that you encouraged this (with good intentions, of course) also says something about you. It says that you may be willing to do more than your fair share for his sake and his feelings, when really those things are HIS problems, and his alone to deal with, at the cost of your own emotional well-being.

I'm basing this off my own very similar experience. In hindsight, I was quite a bit to blame for my unhappiness in that relationship because I didn't stand up for myself and walk away sooner.

Would I encourage counseling? Certainly, there's no harm in trying. But you need to sit down with yourself and get a clear, REALISTIC expectation:
How do you want your marriage to look?
Is that reasonable for the average person to achieve?
How "happy" do you want to be?
What will that require you to do for the marriage?
What will that require your spouse to do?
Most importantly, if your marriage stays near the level of where it is, your daughter is involved. Do you want to teach her that it's okay for a man's jealousy to run a woman's life, to the point of sacrificing her friends and loved ones? Picture you being your daughter; is that the life you want her to live?

Best of luck. I hope my cloudy, gloomy response was helpful in some way.

 

[ThatGirlInGray]

Picture you being your daughter; is that the life you want her to live?

Quoted For Truth. Absolutely. I think I need this on a poster or something in my house. It's an excellent reminder/motivator.

 

[LadyLeStrange]

His jealousy (even if it has gotten "a little better"), to the point where he has chased off friends of yours in the past, does speak loudly about him, but the fact that you encouraged this (with good intentions of course) also says something about you. It says that you may be willing to do more than your fair share for his sake and his feelings, when really those things are HIS problems, and his alone to deal with, at the cost of your own emotional well-being.

I'm basing this off my own very similar experience. In hindsight, I was quite a bit to blame for my unhappiness in that relationship because I didn't stand up for myself and walk away sooner.

But the thing is, I HAVE been standing up for myself. And we have been doing better. I mean, up until 6 months ago, I was a Christian. At least, I was trying to be one. But I am a Pagan. I always have been. I just finally realized that it was okay to embrace it, rather than force myself into a religion that made me feel like a prisoner.

I didn't stand up for myself before because I didn't think i was "allowed" to. You will know what I am talking about if you are familiar with the biblical view on marriage and relationships. He and I both thought I had to "submit" to his every demand of me and deny myself for him.

I'm not going to lie, leaving Christianity almost cost us our marriage. But when it got down to it, he decided he was okay with it because he saw that I wasn't a completely different person. I was just letting myself out. I wasn't going to leave him for my religion or anything.

It helped our relationship SO much to take that step. He struggled with it at first. We were both raised in hardcore Christian families. But now it is great. I feel like I can be myself, express my spirituality more effectively, etc. Also, he has been questioning his own beliefs, and starting to do his own search, rather just take what our parents taught us at face value. He has been much more open about many things since.

My point is that coming out with my spirituality made us stronger and helped our relationship in ways I never thought it could. He's not changing overnight, but I can see the changes happening. If I can be open and honest with him about my spirituality, I think I can at least try to be open and honest with him about my relationship preferences. I don't want to have to hide this, like I had to hide my spirituality.

He seems open to it on his side. He is open to my spirituality. Why should I not have hope that he can come to terms with and be open to this part of me, as well? I have been thinking about this realistically, and I realized this about myself in the process. That is also why I came here, to get some input.

 

[LadyLeStrange]

Do you want to teach her that it's okay for a man's jealousy to run a woman's life to the point of sacrificing her friends and loved ones?

Absolutely not. And it's not anymore. That is why I think that being able to come out about this part of myself will help us get away from that, especially through counseling and very open and honest communication about our feelings.

 

[vermin06]

But the thing is, is that i HAVE been standing up for myself. And we have been doing better. I mean up until 6 months ago i was a christian. At least i was trying to be one. But i am a pagan. I always have been. I just finally realized that it was ok to embrace it rather than force myself into a religion that made me feel like i prisoner. I didn't stand up for myself before, because i didn't think i was "allowed" to- you will know what i am talking about if you are familiar with the biblical view on marriage and relationships. he and i both thought i had to just "submit" to his every demand of me and deny myself for him. Im not going to lie, leaving christianity almost cost us our marriage. But when it got down to it, he decided he was ok with it because he saw that i wasn't a completely different. I was just letting myself out. I wasn't going to leave him for my religion or anything. It helped our relationship SO much to take that step. He struggled with it at first, (we were both raised in hardcore christian families), But now it is great. I feel like i can be myself. Express my spirituality more effectively ETC... also he has been questioning his own beliefs, and starting to do his own search rather just take what our parents taught us at face value. He has been much more open about many things since. My point is that coming out with my spirituality made us stronger and helped our relationship in ways that i never thought it could. Hes not changing over night, but i can see the changes happening. If i can be open and honest with him about my spirituality, i think i can at least try to be open and honest with him about my relationship preferences. I don't want to have to hide this, like i had to hide my spirituality.

He seems open to it on his side. He is open to my spirituality. Why should i not have hope that he can come to terms with and be open to this part of me as well? I have been thinking about this realistically. And i realized this about myself in the process. But that is also why i came here to get some input.

OH, the Christian marriage. When my eldest sister was getting married, the pastor handed her some handbook on marriage with essentially told her to obey the husband, yada yada. I used to be a hardcore christian as a teenager, but am now not religious at all (I'm pagan, in a non-deistic/theistic way), which has allowed me to take control of who I am, and to strive for who I want to be.

However, that kind of self-change doesn't infringe on what he may have engrained as "his." I'm not saying he's objectifying you, but in the mono culture we're brought up in, and I know you guys had been brought up in for sure, "the one" or the "true love" "happily ever after" expectation of marriage.

This does go a little beyond a self-identity crisis (which one goes through when changing such personal views as spiritual beliefs) when you realize you're polyamorous. It affects him, and he may not be for the idea because he may believe that marriage should still be between just one man and one woman, or at least just between two people. Something tells me he hasn't learned how to deal with jealousy, how to be with jealousy, how to ride its wave, then come back to himself and realize that his jealousy is placed in his own insecurities.

Truth be told, my husband is currently trying to deal with his jealousy. I'm crushing on another fellah, you see. It's not an easy thing for most men at first, because of how our culture teaches us every day that jealousy should be avoided. We're new to polyamory. The philosophies and ideas are wonderful to us, but we have to work on his jealousy before moving ahead.

The thing is, you have to let him know how you feel about relationships, and how you feel they should work for you. If he isn't compatible with that, what will you do? Will you sacrifice your own well-being and happiness for him (when you're already unhappy), or will you leave him for greener meadows? The scary truth is, you can't make him change his mind. You can only change your own, and if/when you do, you have to figure out for whom you're changing it. If he's okay with being poly himself, but he's not okay with you being poly, then he's setting an unfair, unreasonable expectation of you. He's looking for the best enjoyment for himself, at your expense. It's up to you to decide if that is what you want, whether that be the case or not.