I think I am ready for the jump

[aaron304b]

So, been doing a lot of research about ENM. Seems there are 3 main areas of this

- polyamory
- swinging
- open relationship

Right now, I am not interested in a polyamory or swinging relationship. Rather, I am more interested in an “open relationship”. I realize this is probably mostly a polyamory forum, but had some questions about similar situations.

I am a 55yr old male. My wife is a 53yr old female. I love my wife dearly and we have been together for 25+ yrs. 2 grown kids that have pretty much moved on to the next stages of their lives. We enjoy each other’s company a lot and do stuff together outside the home frequently.

The reason for my decision is purely physical. While my sexual drive has significantly increased, hers has pretty much fell off a cliff and is usually “closed for business”. . Kidding around there some and she does occasionally engage in it, but not anywhere close to how much I want it. I respect her decisions and have NEVER forced it cause again, I do love her and want her to be happy as well.

Plus, I never saw the sense in having physical intimacy my with someone if they are not into it. Seeing your partner enjoy it as much as you is a BIG part of it for me.

I am preparing myself to “discuss” this with her. Will try to put it in a positive based conversation & inform her it’s just a physical desire I have right now.

I realize there is also hormone replacement therapy and am researching this as well. I will bring this up and try to make it part of the positive conversation.

Any other suggestions on how to approach this? I realize counseling is probably going to be recommended as well so no need to bring that up. Just wondering about other aspects of this kind of lifestyle

 

[kdt26417]

Hello aaron304b,

You seem to have a pretty good handle on what an open relationship is, and how it can help you. You should definitely talk about it with your wife, also don't give up on the hope that she can have increased desire for you. Hormonal replacement therapy is one idea. Also there may be things you can do to warm things up. Do you and your wife still date each other, even though you are married? Taking her to nice places may help kindle the desire in her. I guess what I'm saying is, maybe she wants more desire as well, but doesn't know how to make that happen. Of course if she doesn't want the desire, that's okay too.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[aaron304b]

Yea, I thought of her possibly not “want the desire” as well. I would also actually be ok with this as we are ALL different & grow in different directions (good & bad). It hasn’t been a quick decision either and have read a lot and listened to some podcasts so hopefully that can help as well

My plan would also be not to put ANY blame on her. Rather, it’s more of my desires and how we could BOTH work through it….whether it’s an open relationship or trying to connect better.

I have seen an app called FEELD that seems to cater to all these kind a of lifestyles. I haven’t fully signed up or communicated with anyone. Rather, just explored it to see what is there and what is involved. I’m sure it can be done with traditional apps (match.com, eharmony, etc) as long everyone is upfront and honest (which if have heard can be a problem)

Are there other apps or services that would help if we decide an open relationship is the direction we want to go?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi aaron304b,

Feeld and OKCupid are the only two I know of. And of course you can just meet people on the street, shoot for friendship at first, then more if it develops naturally. You can go to fringe events such as Ren faires, indie concerts, sci-fi cons, and BDSM munches, that sort of thing, where the odds are better that you could meet someone into open, or at least open-minded in general. You could even join a club or take a class, of something that interests you, and maybe you'll make new friends, which could then bloom into something more.

Just a few ideas,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yea, I thought of her possibly not “want the desire” as well. I would also actually be ok with this as we are ALL different & grow in different directions (good & bad). It hasn’t been a quick decision either and have read a lot and listened to some podcasts so hopefully that can help as well

My plan would also be not to put ANY blame on her. Rather, it’s more of my desires and how we could BOTH work through it….whether it’s an open relationship or trying to connect better.

Good luck. Is she already well aware that your sex drive is much higher than hers at this point? Have you two talked much about it? Is she sympathetic to your plight, your frustration? Or does she just avoid the subject, leaving you feeling out in the cold and misunderstood? If that's the case, she might not be interested in opening the relationship and rocking the boat. Is she disgusted by your desire?

Perhaps she is right about now fully hitting menopause. That can decrease desire in some women. It can also increase it, as there is no longer a worry about pregnancy, and there might be more free time for fun dating, more money for taking nice vacations together, empty nest, etc.

In my case, once my estrogen receded, my own testosterone seemed to be more effective, and that increased my desire. This started around perimenopause, though, age 41, not 53. So I am guessing it won't happen with your wife.

I've never done HRT because I am afraid of the increased cancer risk, but some women love it for several reasons. Maybe not just to match their partner's sex drive though. They are content being calmly done with that part of life.

I have seen an app called FEELD that seems to cater to all these kind a of lifestyles. I haven’t fully signed up or communicated with anyone. Rather, just explored it to see what is there and what is involved. I’m sure it can be done with traditional apps (match.com, eharmony, etc) as long everyone is upfront and honest (which if have heard can be a problem)

Are there other apps or services that would help if we decide an open relationship is the direction we want to go?

Might be putting the cart before the horse with that one. Most formerly monogamous couples that are successful at opening to polyamory, or just more casual sex, take at least a year to do research together, maybe get couples counseling, etc.

And speaking of polyamory, you may think you only want sex, but once you meet a nice woman and start hanging out, having sex, the touching and attendant talking and cuddling might lead to emotional intimacy, and boom, you're in love. After all, most women are not going to want to fuck a guy before they trust him (unless they are really cold and have... issues). And that makes one vulnerable and increased vulnerability leads to love.