I think I am....

A

alinmat

New member
Since I learned about polyamory I am not only intrigued, but I feel I finally found who I am.

I have always loved more than one person at a time, since I started dating. But it was always labeled as cheating. I finally married for the first time 3 yrs ago at the age of 47. I love my husband dearly, but I also love another man. its mostly the connection of the friendship/ relationship we have with the bonus of chemistry. I had gotten involved with him 10 yrs ago before my husband but nothing truly grew and he lives two states away, and we always stayed in touch. But it got physical for the first time in my first year of marriage. I have only been with him 2 times sexually but we communicate often and have gotten together just to be with each other.

I have kiddingly mentioned to my husband I want to try this- being poly, and he says OK, but I feel he thinks I am kidding. My husband is not from this country, so sometimes language and culture can be an obstacle in communication. I had him watch the show Polyamory and we both loved it. I was hoping we could launch from there, but I feel it helped me start the conversation and "normalize" the lifestyle.

I dont know where to go from here. But I feel the excitment when I talk to my lover and it brings more sensuality to my husband and he doesnt even know the true reason. I dont want to be a "cheat" I want to be out in the open about this and live fully and freely. I feel jealousy is a part of monogamy and with poly there is only love and openness.

How do I know I am truly poly and not just looking for an excuse to have a lover??

Glad to have found this site, and know I am not alone.

I posted this somewhere else as well
 
Greetings alinmat,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

From the sound of your post, you are poly or at least mostly poly, but you are in a cheating situation and that's not a good thing to continue indefinitely. I suggest you have a very serious discussion with your husband. Make it crystal clear to him that you're not just kidding when you say you want to be polyamorous and live a poly life. Make sure he means it if/when he says okay. It may take more than one such discussion to really come to an agreement on it. In the meantime you can continue to read and post here and there on Polyamory.com, and get additional advice/information.

I wish you the best as you navigate these poly waters.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thank you

I appreciate the suggestions and support. I know it comes from a place of understanding.
Thank you Kevin for the greeting and very helpful comments. I will continue to read. I did tell the lover I wanted to pause on the physical part of our relationship until this is sorted out. He is willing to be patient and still spend time without that part of the connection which is good. The husband does know we spent time but i need to help him understand the complete relationship. I know I should just be direct, but I would make light of it and I dont want to do that again. So I until I have the right moment and words.....
Thanks again. So glad this forum is here.
 
Welcome to the Forum, alinmat. I've been here a few months and found most folks to be friendly and helpful - lots of sound advice and good info. Looks like Kevin offered some good advice already.

Best,

Al
 
Welcome alinmat! I've been in your shoes. It's a hard journey, and I always thought something was wrong with me. But there isn't. I don't have time for a long post but wanted to welcome you and assure you that you aren't the only one who has struggled with loving more than one person.
 
Hi Alinmat,

I am new to these forums and felt that your intro post was similar to my intro story posted just a few days ago. Firstly, my intro into polyamory didn't go that well, but I hope you have better luck and can use my example to learn from.

My wife and I were previously monogamous. When my wife disclosed to me that she was having an emotional affair with a mutual friend of ours, she was so distressed and I felt I didn't want to add to her burden of guilt - she was feeling plenty guilty already. Instead of feeling like the outraged husband, I was a kind and gentle person trying to nurse her back to health by telling her she did well in closing the emotional affair, that she did well in ceasing all contact with him and I was telling her that these feelings for other men are normal. It was, however, a big emotional deal for me. They had discussed the possibility of having a life together, of having children, his job security, how long he would stay in the country for, and so on.

Because my wife did not envisage a possible long term future with him, she chose to stay with me and work on our marriage. I considered leaving due to this having been a longterm issue with various other men for 10 years, but I did not even think of the event as an affair at the time.

We learnt of the word polyamory soon after and 6 days after learning of the word, we went to her affair partner with a plan. Everything went to hell after that. My intro post describes why.

I don't want to take the experience of polyamory away from you, but I hoped my experiences may help you in your journey. Your husband and I are very different people and we will react very differently. Having said that, I would encourage you to consider the following issues:

  • Does he agree with the philosophy behind polyamory?
  • If your main reason to do polyamory is to sanction your current "cheating" behaviour with a new lover, and his main reason to do polyamory is to maintain the marriage, then he is likely to start feeling insecure in the future because you have already demonstrated that you and he are willing to cheat. Both you and your new lover have demonstrated that you are willing to lie to your husband and this knowledge may fester and grow in his heart as an insecurity. I know this point may come accross harshly and I apologise for that. I do not mean you any ill-will when I label what you are doing as cheating, but it will probably seem like cheating to your husband and it is a term that he may use in the future. If you wish for your husband to forgive your actions in lying and deceiving him, using words from his vocabulary will help him feel you understand him and help him heal faster.
  • Go slowly into polyamory. A successful transition from monogamy to polyamory with an affair partner is rare. The few that succeed go very slowly over months or years.
  • Consider ceasing contact with your affair partner before telling your husband you have cheated on him. Showing that you understand you have done something wrong and have taken the initiative to make things right will help this situation end with a happy story for all. However, be prepared for your husband to say no to your current affair partner. Your affair partner has completely disrespected your husband by having a secret affair with you. The healing process may take months or years rather than days or weeks.
  • If your husband is a better man than I am and is willing to open your marriage, consider this as a non-consensual open marriage that is transitioning to consensual non-monogamy. Consider this as a gift from your husband rather than a right. Considering this as a gift from him will go a long way towards making him feel good about being able to give you something.
  • Consider overcompensating for the new relationship energy by putting more than you consciously would back into your current relationship with your husband (I'm new to polyamory, happy for experienced polyamorists to educate me on how successful this is as a technique).
  • Consider couples counselling to sort out any other issues. Doing polyamory to save a relationship is like having children to save a relationship - the problems in the relationship are likely to remain unsolved. One relationship is hard enough to maintain, multiple relationships are accordingly harder.

There are probably a hundred other things I can advise, but I am uncertain if my advise is helpful or destructive. Afterall, my venture into polyamory didn't succeed. I am still hopeful for you though. Good luck and best wishes!
 
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