I think I’m poly, and fell in love with my best friend before leaving the cult we were all involved in.

[alitulip12]

Hello all, I’m female. And have always been bisexual, but needed to suppress it due to extremely religious family. Backstory to help you understand:

I’m 21, my husband is 23. We left the Jehovahs Witness religion last July together. We were heavily pressured into getting married. It was either: get married, or continue being seen as “bad association”. Nobody was talking to us when we were dating, because we were seen as bad people, for having sex before marriage. I met my husband as an atheist on Twitter, while he was questioning the religion. I was only 18 at the time.

I am finally at a point in my life, where i have more confidence to deal with issues I’ve previously buried, such as my bisexuality and possible polyamory.

Anyway, here’s the main issue:

I made a best friend, who I’ll call Emily. (20). She is a full-on Jehovah’s Witness. She was accepting of me, we first met by her complimenting me, after I got married. We quickly became very close friends. I still consider her my best friend, even though she has shunned me completely. We would always cuddle in bed together, give each other small forehead kisses, play with each other’s hair, and be affectionate. It was a very deep & loving friendship. I remember feeling butterflies in my stomach, whenever she would look at me. I felt my heart sink and my cheeks blush, whenever she would do something adorable, such as put her hair in a messy bun and ramble about how much she loved Pokémon. I felt genuine admiration and love for her. I’m starting to think that I was at the very beginning stages of feeling in love? But I’m not sure. My husband was completely okay with Emily and I’s relationship. He is very open minded. He would even cuddle me when I was cuddling Emily. We certainly had more than a casual friendship.

But when we decided to leave the religion, she completely cut ties. And I’m grieving her heavily. I feel shameful and wrong for my feelings towards her. I really want to experience being with a woman, but not in a “one night stand” type of way. I want another deep friendship with a girl, where I can be affectionate and loving. And maybe sexual. My husband just confirmed my feelings, but said he can’t imagine himself with anybody else. He’s okay with me having a sexual encounters with a woman to “experience it for the first time”, since I only ever dated girls online as a teenager.

I don’t know what to do. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. I’m in love with my husband, and I’m not leaving him. I don’t want to. But i think I’m also in love with my old best friend? I *really* want to experience a physical relationship with a girl, that’s not 100% online. My husband seems uncomfortable with the idea though.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I appreciate it.

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel better for airing out some.

Sounds like you had a crush on your friend Emily. And while it included affectionate cuddles, it wasn't actually dating. And now that you left the religion? She's cut ties. So emotionally it's like a combo break up thing for you. Part friend break up, part crush/romance break up.

And you are going to grieve both parts. The friendship that was, and then the romantic/crush thing that never really got to be.

And it's ok, and it takes time to heal.

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt.

Feeling guilty about what? Doing the age appropriate things people do in the early 20s? Becoming young adults and living life? Figuring out who YOU really are at core, and what YOU value? Not just whatever family of origin or whoever else said you should be without thinking it over? It's ok to evaluate which parts you will keep from family of origin etc. And which parts you have outgrown/no longer apply.

I think you could make peace with yourself. Who you are a child, teen? Is not who you are in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, so on. We all keep changing over time and experience. What you want at each decades also changes.

My husband just confirmed my feelings, but said he can’t imagine himself with anybody else. He’s okay with me having a sexual encounters with a woman to “experience it for the first time”, since I only ever dated girls online as a teenager.

So... he's ok with you sharing sex with another woman? How about sharing romance? And not like sex play partner but a girlfriend?

When you are past the grief, you and husband could spend some time talking and reading. Maybe these are places to start.

Opening Up Book

The free worksheets from that are here.

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

And then

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

practicalpolyamory.com

kathylabriola.com

Kathy's new zine published by Microcosm Guide to Happy Polydays: How Polyamorous People Can Thrive Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola:See Below_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

www.kathylabriola.com

Not comprehensive, but places to start.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I appreciate it.

Yes. Take your time. Don't rush anything.

Let the grieving time have the time it needs.

Let the talks with husband have the time that needs.

Don't rush through just because some things are uncomfortable to sit with. Sit with them anyway. Go slow.

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[3908]

Alitulip12, thank you for sharing. ive done alot of reading about and spending time in support groups for the Jehovahs Witnesses, and it makes me sick the stuff they have going on. the Shunning is the worst and it destroys families and relationships. people dont think for themselves, if they did they would be shunned too for not shunning someone. there are JW support groups on FB that you might like to get in on aswell, ive been on them too. many are really open minded and wouldn't mind your question, but there are some users in the group that still cling to some of the rules with their thinking in the groups that would not be as open minded as necessary.

I would say your girlfriend is lost in the org, and unless she wakes up on her own, then she's not going to see the light. I would consider Mourning the loss of her to the org.

Hang in there, keep spending time in the forums

 

[kdt26417]

Hello alitulip12,

Kudos to you for separating yourself from a cult that was toxic to you. I myself withdrew about twenty years ago from the Mormon church, so I have some idea what you had to do to get here. Sometimes even when you leave a church, it leaves its emotional hooks in your flesh. You may be experiencing some guilt that is left over from past religious conditioning. This guilt will not leave quickly or easily, but the first step is to be aware of it, and of where it comes from.

Your husband is okay with you having a sexual encounters with a woman to "experience it for the first time." Does this mean he is okay with you having a one-night stand, or is he also okay with you having romantic involvement with a woman, and numerous sexual encounters with her over time? If you're not sure, you may want to clear that up with him. Also you need to figure out your own boundaries; for example, would you be willing to remain married to a man who forbade you from having any polyamorous associations? Keep in mind that you were heavily pressured into getting married; thus, you didn't really consent to this marriage in the first place.

I don't see any way you can get (or even remain) involved with Emily. She has written you off. The only way to reverse that would be to repent of your apostasy and become a Jehovah's Witness again. Which would maybe convince Emily to be your friend again, but how could you start a romantic relationship with her? I'm thinking that the Jehovah's Witness religion does not condone polyamory. All of these facts, taken together, pretty much guarantee that a romantic relationship with Emily would be quite outside the realm of possibilities.

It seems to me that Emily is effectively shunning you. And that this shunning process is triggering an extreme guilt reaction within you. You did nothing wrong to deserve this guilt; the religious conditioning was something that was done to you, without your consent. You will have to slowly build a new set of ethics and morals, a set that is based on your own ability to reason, rather than on what church leaders told you to believe. When I left the Mormon church, I decided that ethical behavior is determined by consent. If two parties consent to a course of behavior with each other, then that course of behavior is righteous. That's what I believe.

Your description of your prior relationship with Emily, strikes me as being the beginning stages of falling in love. This state of love would surely be forbidden by the Jehovah's Witness religion, so if Emily felt the same as you, she was (and is) probably in denial about it. The one thing you can get out of that almost-romance, is that you now know you are capable of loving multiple people. And there is nothing wrong with that, at least in my eyes.

If (since) you were (are) in love with Emily, it is only natural for you to feel bereaved, now that you have lost her. This bereavement will not go away quickly or easily, and perhaps never completely. You will always have a hole in your heart that Emily once filled. So you are being dealt a double blow: grief and guilt. It is the Jehovah's Witness religion's built-in way of punishing you for apostatizing. There is no way to escape this punishment. The best you can do is to endure it, and to observe where it is coming from. It is not your fault.

Hopefully this forum is helping somewhat.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.