I thought guys were supposed to be simple and mean what they say?

P

Polywife12

New member
Well I'm soooo confused by someone whom says he loves me and wants to see me but doesn't. I know just saying that seems like actions speak louder than words and if he's not doing what he says he doesn't mean it but it's a little more complicated.

I am married separated and my husband, my guy friend, and I had a polyamorous relationship. Things got kinda messed up about 10 months into our relationship with communication. He is a very private person and doesn't like to talk about what he does when I'm not with him. So I assumed he had other woman, I was ok with that since I was married and he treated me good. However, me being polyamorous started seeing one of my ex lovers. I made a mistake of not telling my guy cause I just assumed that's the way he wanted it. He ended up finding out and didn't want to see me anymore. Then a few months later he was willing to admit he had something special with me and he loved me and wanted me back. So it's been really difficult cause we only see each other basically for sex, but he was promising he wanted to see me more take me to dinner etc. Then his schedule changed and he started working nights, sometimes working doubles and triple shifts including weekends.

He never did anything he said though. His work schedule still seems to be busy but then again I really wouldn't know since he doesn't usually speak to me unless he wants to meet which had become more and more infrequent.

Early in June I told him I was going to have plastic surgery and would be out of commission for a while but wanted to see him as much as I could before my surgery. I heard nothing from him, until 2 days before asking me if I was at a swing party cause he was there. I was so upset, how could he just show up at a party without speaking to me first when I am going to have surgery and won't be able to see him. He chose a party over me:( He seemed to not understand why I was upset. Claiming he just decided on the spur of the moment to go.

Now my surgery is over and I decided to go to a swing party. Meanwhile I haven't seen him in like 6 weeks. He comes to the party. We chat for a bit and it felt so good to see him but I wasn't ready for sex. He asked me if I minded if he had sex with someone at the party. I told him it was fine, but I just didn't want to left out. He said I wouldn't but paid very little attention to me cause he was trying to score with someone else. I was hurt but
Didn't show it.

A week after that I texted him im finally ready to see him and 12 hours later he didn't respond. So I question him and say ok what's going on? He him offense to that and said he got my message and was sleeping. Ugh..... I'm not stupid nobody sleeps for over 12 hours. Plus I saw him on a website earlier (I didn't tell him I knew this). But he still never responded about when we were gonna get together.

As if that's not enough, I decide to go to a mutual friends house for a bbq. He was invited to go as well. I knew it but wanted to see if he would ask me to go or even acknowledge his plans to me. An hour after the party started he texts to ask if I was going. Idk if he found out I was going and felt obligated to text . I figured I gotta get to the bottom of this and I called him.Didn't show it.

A week after that I texted him im finally ready to see him and 12 hours later he didn't respond. So I question him and say ok what's going on? He him offense to that and said he got my message and was sleeping. Ugh..... I'm not stupid nobody sleeps for over 12 hours. Plus I saw him on a website earlier (I didn't tell him I knew this). But he still never responded about when we were gonna get together.

As if that's not enough, I decide to go to a mutual friends house for a bbq. He was invited to go as well. I knew it but wanted to see if he would ask me to go or even acknowledge his plans to me. An hour after the party started he texts to ask if I was going. Idk if he found out I was going and felt obligated to text . I figured I gotta get to the bottom of this and I called him.

He was planning on going then changed his mind after talking to me. So he still wasn't willing to make plans with me but yet again he was on his way out to a party even though we haven't been together in 2 months. He kept saying he wanted to be with me but I saw no reason why he couldn't.

I don't like to pry and put myself in positions I'm not invited to. The real kicker is that my husband and I are now separated, and i committed myself to this guy whose probably out sleeping with other woman and I'm really suffering. He acted like he understood me but he's not willing to make plans to just see me and not willing to admit if something else is going on. I have been seeing him for 2 yrs. now. I don't know how to handle this cause I know he will view any other issues as a problem. We just keep having issues with no sex .
 
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*Today, 09:45 PM

Polywife12*

Member

*

Join Date: Jun 2013

Posts: 10

*I thought guys were supposed to be simple and mean what they say?

Well I'm soooo confused by someone whom says he loves me and wants to see me but doesn't. I know just saying that seems like actions speak louder than words and if he's not doing what he says he doesn't mean it but it's a little more complicated.

I am married separated and my husband, my guy friend, and I had a polyamorous relationship. Things got kinda messed up about 10 months into our relationship with communication. He is a very private person and doesn't like to talk about what he does when I'm not with him. So I assumed he had other woman, I was ok with that since I was married and he treated me good. However, me being polyamorous started seeing one of my ex lovers. I made a mistake of not telling my guy cause I just assumed that's the way he wanted it. He ended up finding out and didn't want to see me anymore. Then a few months later he was willing to admit he had something special with me and he loved me and wanted me back. So it's been really difficult cause we only see each other basically for sex, but he was promising he wanted to see me more take me to dinner etc. Then his schedule changed and he started working nights, sometimes working doubles and triple shifts including weekends.*

He never did anything he said though. His work schedule still seems to be busy but then again I really wouldn't know since he doesn't usually speak to me unless he wants to meet which had become more and more infrequent.*

Early in June I told him I was going to have plastic surgery and would be out of commission for a while but wanted to see him as much as I could before my surgery. I heard nothing from him, until 2 days before asking me if I was at a swing party cause he was there. I was so upset, how could he just show up at a party without speaking to me first when I am going to have surgery and won't be able to see him. He chose a party over me*He seemed to not understand why I was upset. Claiming he just decided on the spur of the moment to go.*

Now my surgery is over and I decided to go to a swing party. Meanwhile I haven't seen him in like 6 weeks. He comes to the party. We chat for a bit and it felt so good to see him but I wasn't ready for sex. He asked me if I minded if he had sex with someone at the party. I told him it was fine, but I just didn't want to left out. He said I wouldn't but paid very little attention to me cause he was trying to score with someone else. I was hurt but
Didn't show it.

A week after that I texted him im finally ready to see him and 12 hours later he didn't respond. So I question him and say ok what's going on? He him offense to that and said he got my message and was sleeping. Ugh..... I'm not stupid nobody sleeps for over 12 hours. Plus I saw him on a website earlier (I didn't tell him I knew this). But he still never responded about when we were gonna get together.*

As if that's not enough, I decide to go to a mutual friends house for a bbq. He was invited to go as well. I knew it but wanted to see if he would ask me to go or even acknowledge his plans to me. An hour after the party started he texts to ask if I was going. Idk if he found out I was going and felt obligated to text . I figured I gotta get to the bottom of this and I called him.

He was planning on going then changed his mind after talking to me. So he still wasn't willing to make plans with me but yet again he was on his way out to a party even though we haven't been together in 2 months. He kept saying he wanted to be with me but I saw no reason why he couldn't.*

I don't like to pry and put myself in positions I'm not invited to. The real kicker is that my husband and I are now separated, and i committed myself to this guy whose probably out sleeping with other woman and I'm really suffering. He acted like he understood me but he's not willing to make plans to just see me and not willing to admit if something else is going on. I have been seeing him for 2 yrs. now. I don't know how to handle this cause I know he will view any other issues as a problem. We just keep having issues with no sex .


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Hi Polywife12,

It sounds like your guy friend is giving you the runaround. I would have a talk with him and let him know that I don't like playing games and either he needs to tell you if he's not interested anymore or he needs to get serious about getting together on a more regular basis. If he won't even talk to you, then I guess you have your answer.

Do you and your husband still talk? What does he think about all this?

Good communication means saying what you mean and if this guy is just stringing you along then you need to find another man who will put his money where his mouth is and treat you like a lady. I mean yeah they say guys are simple and mean what they say, but the truth is some men will say anything to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

I hope you'll find a solution to your dilemma.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I totally know kdt:( I need to talk to him seriously. My husband and I still talk and he knows my boyfriend and my situation and he's lost for words. It's hard for both of us to think he's playing games with me since he's been around for so long. My husband was actually there when I talked to my boyfriend on the phone and heard the whole conversation. I asked him for his advice in what my next move should be because even though I talked to my boyfriend I felt better for a half a minute but now I'm left well now what. He still hasn't attempted to make plans with me. My husband just thinks I need to keep putting him on the spot and say when are we gonna get together, but I don't agree. I feel like I don't need to beg and I should just find someone else. It's just not how I pictured this at all. I love him and know his strength is not communicating. I feel he gets frustrated if he has to explain himself. He's been single for 35 yrs. He owes nothing to no one, So I doubt he'll ever change.
 
I get you on the not begging part. It seems from your description, you have been pretty pointed in your desire to see him - except in revealing your pain. It may be time to do so. You might make one last attempt, being very specific. Something along the lines of: "despite repeated overtures on my part over the last two months, you have made no effort to see me. I am deeply hurt." Or something to that effect.
 
Is there a right way to break up?

I really struggle with this. I was married 22yrs. and although my husband and I have grown apart I've never broken up with anyone. How and why does this happen? I get that my boyfriend isn't treating me right and I really want to say what bookbug suggested. It seems pretty sensible to just say that despite my attempts to see you even though you say you want to you haven't and I'm hurt seems logical. ..... he'll probably get turned off and won't even try to talk it though. Or he'll say I'm being impatient and he's busy with work so if I want to assume stuff it's over. I don't want to be the cause of ending things. I really think something is up. ..... but if he's saying he still wants to see me then what can I do if I still want to see him? And I do still want to see him. I've gotten quite I comfortable with him over the years ...lol sexually he's the best I've ever had . It's hard to turn that away. But I do need more. I'm really afraid to tell him that cause I think that's how all his relationships end. He's definitely selfish and unwilling to give me what I want. I'm not looking to marry him but this does hurt and I'm not sure what my next move is. I really only want him. I'm gonna have to start seeing other people but idk how to tell him that without ruining what I do have with him. ....... Ugh.
 
Not to get all "Sex in the City" on ya, but....Honey, He's Just Not That Into You.

Sure, he wants you to be available if he happens to be in the mood for company or sex, but he doesn't want to put any effort into building a relationship. So, either you accept his crumbs of attention and occasional sex on his terms, accept that you're just a fuckbuddy, or you move on. If you decide to break it off, don't try to be his friend, just stop talking to him. Don't return his texts, email, or calls. Go on with your life and find a relationship that's more reciprocal.

I've been where you are, and all the talking in the world isn't going to make him step up. He's already let you know where he stands by his actions. Someone who wants to be with you will find the time to be with you, work and swing parties aside. You just need to decide where you stand, and stick to it. Likely he will not give you "closure," you'll have to do that yourself with a very firm "Goodbye. I'm done now."
 
Sorry you have been hurt like that Lovebunny. I got no problem with just seeing him for sex and whatever we've had I don't need to label. We both have told each other we love each other and we make each other happy when it comes to sex. I don't even need to see him everyday. ..... maybe you missed the fact that I've been seeing him for 2 yrs. And it's not been until I decided to have surgery and after that he's not acting right. I do know he cares for me.


It's not always so black and white. Even if I did decide to end things how does that work when my friends are his and we see each other at parties for sex?

If he can't see me the way I want I just want him to be okay with me seeing other people. .... since I am polyamorous LOL
 
Sorry you have been hurt like that Lovebunny. I got no problem with just seeing him for sex and whatever we've had I don't need to label. We both have told each other we love each other and we make each other happy when it comes to sex. I don't even need to see him everyday. ..... maybe you missed the fact that I've been seeing him for 2 yrs. And it's not been until I decided to have surgery and after that he's not acting right. I do know he cares for me.


It's not always so black and white. Even if I did decide to end things how does that work when my friends are his and we see each other at parties for sex?

If he can't see me the way I want I just want him to be okay with me seeing other people. .... since I am polyamorous LOL
 
One approach is to tell him, "Honey, would you just let me know when you want to get together with me? I'll wait for you to call." Then, while you're "waiting," instead of holding your breath, move on with your life and look around for new guys you can see. If he notices you paying attention to someone and complains to you about it, you could just say, "I'm sorry, I thought you wouldn't mind." Maybe you could like for a new social group to mingle with? Then you wouldn't run into him.

Or you could ask him, "Would you mind if I dated some other people, since I'm polyamorous?" Maybe he won't mind.

Really your only other option is to just continue what you're doing, which is to keep on contacting him and asking him if you could please see him. You could say "please" more often and more pleadingly. "Please, I really want to see you. It's been so long," etc.

Or you could ask him, "How come things have changed since my surgery?" Maybe he'll have an answer.
 
It all sucks either way. I have been down this road before when the guy whom I thought was the love of my life needed space. I gave him space and cried everyday for 2 months. I only texed him twice in that 2 months and then one day I asked him a question and just seeing it was over. It destroyed my life, I couldn't move on and ended up separating from my husband because I was still in love with someone I didn't have.

This is all too familiar! There is nothing I can do or say to change whatever he wants even If he's being completely honest with me, it is reminiscent of my past.

At this point it becomes more about what I willing to settle for I suppose. I don't like being out on hold and I think he will want to get together soon and if not I am trying to meet some new guys. Although I don't want to and afraid cause I don't want to lie about seeing anyone find we broke up one before because of that but since I haven't seen him in 2 months and we are having issues just trying to get together it's not a good time to bring this up. He's already told me he really doesn't want me to see anyone else so..... I'd be cheating if I did.
 
I don't think you should beg him or tell him you're waiting by the phone. You said yourself he hasn't made an attempt to see you in months, and this is hurting you. Saying I love you and I want to see you is easy, but if he isn't walking the talk, it's just manipulation. At one time, was he giving you enough focus and attention and now he has changed, or was he always largely unavailable and it's just gotten worse?

Is the arrangement that he can see others but you can't (except your husband?) If he can't give you what you need, and you've expressed yourself, he has no right to get upset if you date others. If you can truly be satisfied with having him as just a fuckbuddy, go for it. But you say you really only want him, which concerns me that you'll end up pining for him and hoping for something more substantial. In which case, I stand by break up with him and look for something more fulfilling.
 
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Hi Polywife 12,

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I can really relate to your problems with your boyfriend and can remember how painful it was for me. I had a similar experience with my guy a year ago (we've been involved for 3 years now, so it was about 2 years into our relationship). We're in a LDR, and most of our contact is online or texting.
About a year ago, my guy started distancing himself from me by not responding to my contacts for days or a week at a time. It really hurt, because I had recently realized that I was in love with him, but hadn't shared it with him (I wanted to tell him in person and I knew I wouldn't see him for several months). I would tell him that I missed him and he would respond by telling me how much he missed me, but then dropped off the face of the planet for long lengths of time. I was so hurt by this pattern, and I got to a point where I decided it wasn't worth me being this hurt in a relationship where I clearly cared more about spending time with him than he did. So I told him that I was here to talk if he wanted, but that I wouldn't be reaching out to him anymore.
And so I heard nothing from him. Initially, all I could do was wait for his contact. I became depressed. I felt that despite any caring he had shown in the past, it was clearly no longer the case. His actions then spoke louder than his words had. I didn't contact him. I refused to continue to be the one constantly seeking time with him, as I knew this would just maintain the pattern of this unhealthy relationship and being that type of person (feeling "needy") took a heavy hit on my self-esteem. I eventually stopped waiting for him to contact me. I moved past the loss of our relationship, reinvested time and energy into my relationship with my husband and other friends, and found new interests in my life. I started feeling happy again.
A month later, he contacted me, wanting to catch up with me and acting like nothing had changed. I was honest with him about how he broke my heart, how depressed I had been, how I felt I couldn't trust his caring. He finally opened up to me, telling me that he was dealing with his own problems due to life circumstances outside of our relationship, that in no way did he want to lose me, that he was genuinely sorry for how much he hurt me. I believed him. I was very hesitant to let him back into my life, but slowly I did. He continued and continues to show his caring by reaching out to me, by prioritizing us, and by letting me know what's going on for him if he is struggling to make time for us. Now I can be there to support him when things are going on in his life, rather than being excluded. By both of us being honest about the pain we had experienced, we healed together and grew together. Since then, we've moved to a different level in our relationship, shared with each other that we love each other, and even recently, when I've been having some difficulties in my relationship with my husband, he has been there for me in a way I never could have imagined. I learned how important it is for me to have other friendships, other interests, and an identity outside of my relationships. I've also been much more honest in my relationship with him since then, which he has reciprocated. It's not that everything is magically better, but when things aren't going well, I know we'll get through it together.
I know it's really hard to get to the point where you lay it all out on the line. For me, it was too painful for me to feel like I cared more about him than he did for me. While we had an amazing emotional and sexual connection, I knew relationships take investment from both partners, and I couldn't force him to open up to me. Continuing to pressure him for time didn't work. What did work for me was giving him the space he needed to determine how important our relationship was to him. I think it's very possible that everything could have ended then, which is what I grieved during that month. But somehow, we found each other again.

We're pulling for you.
 
Re (from Polywife12):
"He's already told me he really doesn't want me to see anyone else so ... I'd be cheating if I did."
Click to expand...

Well, in order for it to not be cheating, you'd have to break up with him first.

All your options suck ... but is there any option that sucks less than the others?

In "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People," Stephen R. Covey speaks of two categories: our "circle of influence," and our "circle of concern." Your circle of influence is the stuff you can change and have power over. Your circle of concern is stuff that matters to you. You have a stake in how it turns out. That's your circle of concern.

In some areas, the two circles intersect, and we have power over what matters to us. In other areas, we have power over stuff that doesn't matter to us one way or another, so we don't bother to try to change it.

In a third area is the stuff that matters to us that we can't change. Covey says that we often spend a lot of time concentrating on that third area -- the part of our circle of concern that is not a part of our circle of influence. Since we can't change anything in that part of our circle of concern, it is frustrating to dwell on it, it's like spinning our wheels.

Covey urges us to spend more of our time concentrating on our circle of influence -- the stuff that we *can* change (and do have power over). He postulates that doing so yields results in our lives and when that happens, our circle of influence grows larger. Then we are able to focus on some things that used to be beyond our control, with a new power to change them and do something about them.

The lesson here is to look at your situation and ask, "What things here are within my circle of influence? What things are not in my circle of influence?" Spending all your mental and emotional energies on your circle of concern (the part of it that you have no power over) is just spinning your wheels and making you feel frustrated, so what things can you control? Put your focus on that area and see if your circle of influence doesn't grow (little by little).

You only have control over what you say to your guy, and whether you stay with him and for how long. Do you want to stay with him? That's a decision that's within your power to control. Whether he comes to you (with dates or other contact) lies entirely outside your circle of influence: There's nothing you can do to change it and it's all up to him. So don't torture yourself with that helplessness that you feel; think more about the things you have the power to choose and change instead.

So what will you do? Given the choices that lie inside your circle of influence, which of those choices will you make? You can always take the path of least resistance, of course -- just keep doing the same things you've been doing (and keep on hoping he'll change). But do you want to make a change in that pattern? That's the question. What can you change? What lies inside your circle of influence?
 
Kevin, I am glad you shared - what I saw as a Venn diagram - the circle of influence and the circle of concern. A very good visualization that lays out issues quite simply.

Thank you.
 
No prob; "Seven Habits" had a lot of good wisdom in it.
 
I am sorry you struggle. :(

I think you could have the conversation. Maybe something like

"We have not been really seeing each other. I am not getting communication or time together that I need here. You do not seem to want to talk it out or step it up on getting together more so... I am going with things are fading for us. Call me if you want to talk and I am mistaken. Otherwise I figure we could call it a good run, call the romance over, and both move on."

Putting off dealing with it does not seem to serve you well.

You do not seem to like limbo... So could move it forward.

I don't want to be the cause of ending things
Click to expand...

I do need more. I'm really afraid to tell him that cause I think that's how all his relationships end. He's definitely selfish and unwilling to give me what I want.
Click to expand...

If he behaves this way and all his relationships end that way it is not you being the cause of ending things.

You acknowledging something does not work for you is not you not giving you fair share. It is just that in a two people thing, your 100% effort is only half the fuel it needs to run.

If he is not pulling his weight, he just isn't. And it won't run on your 50% power. I do not see how you can have time and space to relate in if he does not want to talk or spend time together. :(

Galagirl
 
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