I totally love my BF & my husband of 34 years ...

[Isadora]

I am considering this lifestyle. We have known my BF for nearly 29 years and I love her like a sister and want her to come and live with us. My husband loves her too and wants me to consider a 3 way sexual relationship as well as a living arrangement where we all help each other. She's a pretty open female and loves us both dearly. It seems like a perfect relationship except for the sex part. I don't know if I can deal with the two of them having a relationship aside from me. It seems like it could work but for that. How do you deal with that?

 

[Ravenscroft]

I am a proponent of mentally exploring "what if" situations, looking them over thoroughly, & discussing them.

The common goal of a thought experiment is to explore the potential consequences of the principle in question: "A thought experiment is a device with which one performs an intentional, structured process of intellectual deliberation in order to speculate, within a specifiable problem domain, about potential consequents (or antecedents) for a designated antecedent (or consequent)"

At the least, it builds problem-solving skills & encourages deep communication without offering up any actual risk that'd cloud the place up with emotions. It can be both fun & enlightening to play out fantasies.

But I get the impression that the two of you are ready to leap into making this real. That's going to get messy fast.

The script is "marriage+1" & begins from the assumption that someone can simply be stuffed into an extant situation without adversely affecting the initial dyad. And rather than just floating the possibility that someone might be found who could be properly courted & perhaps eventually choose to join in, you've already fixated upon a specific individual.

Then, the "escalator" script kicks in: each success demands that the next step MUST be taken. You assume your friend isn't going to run away as soon as the possibility of nonmonogamy is presented. And then there's woman-on-woman sex, plus the assumption she's at all interested in that with YOU. And then there's three-way sex, plus the assumption she's at all interested in that with YOU. And then there's moving in.

What if she simply stops speaking to you, forever?

What if she's bi but attracted to someone else?

What if the sex isn't particularly great?

What happens if the sex starts out fun but fades out?

What if she is more attracted to one of you than the other?

What if she's already moved in when one (or more) of you decides it's not working out?

What if a Romantic miracle occures & she wants everything your fantasies have already dictated... but she ALSO wants to have sex with other people?

There's plenty of things to think about before you make any changes.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Isadora,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

When you say "BF," I take it you mean "Best Friend." Let me know if I'm off. It seems to me you have known BF long enough to try living together, although doing it in pieces might be best at first. Like, have her return to her own abode after a one-night sleepover, then later try a two-night sleepover ... increase the amount of time she spends at your place little by little. This way none of you are committing to living together all at once, you are making sure it works first. If it does work, and continues to work, you could eventually be living together on a permanent basis.

And I suppose I would suggest approaching the sex part in a similar way, slowly and in little steps. If you take a step and one or more of you freaks out, take a step back, and do not add to that part of the relationship again unless/until all three of you feel ready. By going slow, you might have the time that you need to get used to it. So, no kissing or touching at first, then maybe hugs are okay, then later a kiss on the cheek is okay ... so on and so forth, little steps. And take a step back if one or more of you starts to freak out. Don't do something you're not ready to do.

In the meantime, continue to read and post on Polyamory.com, learn as much as you can about polyamory, ask more questions and follow the threads that call to you. We'll try to help.

Good to have you aboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[vinsanity0]

Does she know what you two are plotting for her? This may not even be an issue. Include her in these discussions.

Also, there is no reason to agree to a triad if you don't want one. Your husband's fantasy does not take precedence.

So let's say you and her are up for this. To tackle your feelings you need to ask yourself some questions. Why are you okay with having sex with someone else but not okay with your husband doing it? Is it that you don't want to share her with him? Him with her? Her with anyone? Him with anyone? You have to identify why you feel this way. Only then can you address it.

The failure rate is high for what he is proposing. Keep that in mind. The couple adding a "hot bi babe" to the mix rarely goes as planned.

 

[lunabunny]

I agree with the other posters, above.

Firstly, it is an extremely risky venture if you three take the plunge without being ABSOLUTELY SURE it will work out. You stand to lose either your long-time best friend, your beloved husband, or both.

So... baby steps are needed: Do a lot of thinking on your own FIRST. Ask yourself questions re: motivation and potential consequences.

If it still appeals, let your husband you're seriously considering his proposition, but don't rush into anything. Discuss it further as a couple. How it'll work. The potential pitfalls.

Only THEN broach the subject with your friend. If she doesn't immediately laugh it off as a bad joke, call you crazy, become furious, bolt from the room, etc... give her some time to think it over, then sit her down and consider all angles yet again.

Talk about how you'll deal with it should something go awry, not be as great as envisaged, or should one or more or you not be in agreement with any aspect of the arrangement. Consider logistics: Who will live where. How you'll allocate space in your home (will you all share a bedroom? separate bedrooms?) Who will be responsible for what bills, the cooking, any children you may have... the list goes on.

In the meantime, it's imperative you find out if there is any sexual chemistry between you all, and once again, DO NOT RUSH this part! You love each other, sure. Two of you are married and the other is your best friend. This doesn't automatically translate into off the charts sex, especially if you and/or your friend are not bi, or have had little or no intimate experience with other women. How will you feel if it becomes clear your husband and best friend have better sex than you/her, or you/him? Or if things end up being hot between you women and hubby feels left out or emasculated, and grows resentful, despite it being his idea? Will you be able to cope if they fall in love with each other and experience mega powerful NRE?

Forming a cohabiting triad from a mono marriage + long-standing platonic friendship is no minor undertaking, especially if it's coming out of the blue.

Despite trying to emotionally inoculate myself against potential heartache and jealousy by utilising a process of "desensitisation" (a customised combo of visualisation, shared fantasy and threeway cyber sex) prior to any in-person physical intimacy taking place between the three members of our polycule, I still found it incredibly painful when faced with the real thing for the first time. I broke down and it almost ended things between my gf and I.

After much discussion (a post sex-share post mortem, if you like), we all agreed to put the brakes on, hard, and start again from scratch. We'd been too ambitious, as it turned out. I had thought we'd given ourselves time enough to prepare... done the necessary reading... discussed most of the important aspects of past and future - but alas, reality bites! All the theorising in the world can only go so far to preparing you for how you MAY feel if and when you try it out for real. Proceed with caution.