Openrelationship?
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Hello Openrelationship?
First, feel free to ignore the question about resources. It doesn't seem particularly relevant to you, from your original post. Sorry Hanky incorrectly assumed your gender, new members don't always know where to see the information people put in their profile.
I think of sharing time with others outside the relationship as healthy for any relationship; being "joined at the hip" as a couple is not romantic, it's stifling. If you have beliefs around how much time people in a relationship SHOULD spend together, this might help:
medium.com
As for your views around intimacy, again it could be worth examining their source. What were you taught about any form of intimacy (from conversation to shared silence to sex, and any other forms you can think of)? What beliefs do you hold and why?
You wrote that you need a lot of closeness and emotional bond to feel secure. That sounds like you're relying on your partner to make you feel secure rather than on yourself. Perhaps read: Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy https://g.co/kgs/AJfPgA
This could help you examine what it is to feel secure within a poly context.
How are your friendships and family ties these days? Please don't feel like you, too, have to try romantic polyamory to have a variety of fulfilling relationships. I know you have said that logically you are completely understanding that having multiple of any type of relationship doesn't diminish each of them, but:
The time issue in poly is often dealt with through clear scheduling of date times. Phones away, no external communications (emergencies withstanding) and a deliberate choice to share intimacy of whatever form during that time. This is separate to daily living stuff, especially if you live together. Do you really need "date night" seven days a week? No? Because you need a life outside the relationship, too? Cool. Then what is your secure number?
As for thinking about (her) intimacy with someone else, again, what were you taught about that and how much is actually relevant to you? I grew up Christian and with an ownership model of matrimony from dogma. My parents were far more relaxed than the church was and when I declared to my mother (when I was about 14) that I wasn't going to have sex until I was married, she replied, "you might want to rethink that." And left it there. That one sentence removed any future guilt once I did decide I was ready to start sharing sex with people.
You may not have an overt sense of ownership over your partner, but western society has conditioned almost everyone into having a mononormative view of relationship structures. It's tough to go against the flow, obviously. Be patient with yourself.
I hope something in here helps a little. Try those links and feel free to keep asking questions.
Evie
First, feel free to ignore the question about resources. It doesn't seem particularly relevant to you, from your original post. Sorry Hanky incorrectly assumed your gender, new members don't always know where to see the information people put in their profile.
As for sharing time, this can be connected back to what you believe a romantic relationship should look like, which is largely based on what you either saw, or didn't see, as a kid. I grew up in a mono household wherein my parents would almost without fail share an early evening meal but at least once a week (frequently more) one or the other would head out to whatever hobby activity was happening that night. They did this separately, time to connect with their own friends and interests (and have time away from being a parent!)
I think of sharing time with others outside the relationship as healthy for any relationship; being "joined at the hip" as a couple is not romantic, it's stifling. If you have beliefs around how much time people in a relationship SHOULD spend together, this might help:
The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship
You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!
As for your views around intimacy, again it could be worth examining their source. What were you taught about any form of intimacy (from conversation to shared silence to sex, and any other forms you can think of)? What beliefs do you hold and why?
You wrote that you need a lot of closeness and emotional bond to feel secure. That sounds like you're relying on your partner to make you feel secure rather than on yourself. Perhaps read: Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy https://g.co/kgs/AJfPgA
This could help you examine what it is to feel secure within a poly context.
How are your friendships and family ties these days? Please don't feel like you, too, have to try romantic polyamory to have a variety of fulfilling relationships. I know you have said that logically you are completely understanding that having multiple of any type of relationship doesn't diminish each of them, but:
The time issue in poly is often dealt with through clear scheduling of date times. Phones away, no external communications (emergencies withstanding) and a deliberate choice to share intimacy of whatever form during that time. This is separate to daily living stuff, especially if you live together. Do you really need "date night" seven days a week? No? Because you need a life outside the relationship, too? Cool. Then what is your secure number?
As for thinking about (her) intimacy with someone else, again, what were you taught about that and how much is actually relevant to you? I grew up Christian and with an ownership model of matrimony from dogma. My parents were far more relaxed than the church was and when I declared to my mother (when I was about 14) that I wasn't going to have sex until I was married, she replied, "you might want to rethink that." And left it there. That one sentence removed any future guilt once I did decide I was ready to start sharing sex with people.
You may not have an overt sense of ownership over your partner, but western society has conditioned almost everyone into having a mononormative view of relationship structures. It's tough to go against the flow, obviously. Be patient with yourself.
I hope something in here helps a little. Try those links and feel free to keep asking questions.
Evie
Hello Openrelationship?
It sounds like you have a mono/poly situation with your girlfriend. She is poly, you are mono. There is nothing wrong with that. Mono/poly relationships can be hard, but they can turn out fine with lots of love and communication. If you're not getting the time/affection you need from your partner, you need to discuss that with her. Note that you can be mono and still have (platonic) relationships with other people, perhaps there are people you can share your hobbies with.
Just some quick thoughts,
Kevin T.
It sounds like you have a mono/poly situation with your girlfriend. She is poly, you are mono. There is nothing wrong with that. Mono/poly relationships can be hard, but they can turn out fine with lots of love and communication. If you're not getting the time/affection you need from your partner, you need to discuss that with her. Note that you can be mono and still have (platonic) relationships with other people, perhaps there are people you can share your hobbies with.
Just some quick thoughts,
Kevin T.