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Electrickery

Electrickery

New member
From the MI area, and quite honestly? Taken aback by an ultimatum dropped on me the other night.

Well, long story short? I've been seeing a girl for a while, and I learned that the person she lives with is her boyfriend and that they're poly and such. They're both great people, and I get along with them just fine.

My concern is that I found this out a few months AFTER I had spent all that time with her. And as it turns out, she gets me better than anyone else I've ever been with has. We connect, I can be myself around her, and we share many common interests. I can honestly say I only have a couple common interests with any other people I know, (that being MANY, makes it that much more sad.)

So, the question is whether or not I just stay with this person and simply not think about her poly lifestyle? Or walk away from what could easily be a sure thing, if only because me being a product of my environment has me wired to not really feel comfortable with the concept? I don't want to be ignorant to her or her needs.
 
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Welcome. I myself am having difficulty with this...even though it was mostly my idea. But not completely. As u will read on here...if the relationship cant meet ur needs then u are the only one responsible for ur own happiness. U will also learn that relationships change...wut starts as secondary may eventually become primary. But only u know if ur willing to deal with that. I am strictly monogamous. My husband has a fwb...which i think is actually becoming more emotional by the day. U have to do a lot of soul searching and being honest with urself. Good luck. I feel ur pain.
 
Did it start romantically with her or was it more of a friendship type thing that evolved? Though she should have been honest with u...its not something that's easily brought up to friends.
 
I don't really see an ultimatum in what you wrote. If she had said, "You have to accept my polyamorous situation or we're over," that would've been an ultimatum. But it sounds like you and she dated for a few months and she, for whatever reasons, chose to reveal something important to you at this point in time.

While there are many polyfolk who believe in telling others about their poly situations upfront before any dates happen, before anyone even knows whether there is a mutual attraction... there are many others who feel that it's okay to wait to tell someone until the relationship seems like it might become more serious or substantial. So, unless she outright lied to you and said she was totally single and not seeing anyone else, then, she did not necessarily do anything dishonest or wrong here by waiting to tell you, even though I am sure a number of peeps would object to waiting as long as she did.

How often do you two get together and/or communicate since you started seeing each other? I would hazard a guess that this is the point where she felt like she was getting closer to you and she wanted you to know, so you can make an informed decision on whether or not to continue seeing her. If I were you, I wouldn't write her off just yet, unless she has been dishonest with you. I would read up as much as you can about it, to learn more. There is a good amount of info at morethantwo.com and other sites - check out our Golden Nuggets forum here for links to other informational sites.

I would also ask her questions about how she and her bf practice poly, ask what kind of relationship she envisions having with you, and find out of there are any agreements between them which will affect you. But, to me, it would seem that if everything's been great so far, there is probably not going to be much problem. Definitely talk about safer sex practices, find out how many other lovers she and her bf have, and ask if they practice safer sex with all of them or if any are fluid-bonded (using no barriers). Hopefully, you've been using condoms all along, but you both need to make sure that you are both on the same page about what is safe and acceptable to you and what is not.
 
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Electrickery said:
My concern is that I found this out a few months AFTER I had spent all that time with her.

So, the question is whether or not I just stay with this person and simply not think about her poly lifestyle? Or walk away from what could easily be a sure thing, if only because me being a product of my environment has me wired to not really feel comfortable with the concept? I don't want to be ignorant to her or her needs.
Click to expand...

I'm one of those "other peeps" who would prefer to hear she'd told you upfront... but upon reflection, nyc makes a valid point that there's no need to do so until the relationship seems like it might actually go somewhere. For a certain period when people are "dating," it's just understood not to be exclusive.

I personally can't imagine getting to know anyone really well without wanting to talk about my husband. Not like we're joined at the hip or anything, but he affects my life and is relevant to the choices I make.

Ok, part 2. What do you do now? You forgot the third option: Stay with this person and learn about her poly life. I don't think you'll be able to avoid thinking about it. And if this person is as special as you say she is, I wouldn't toss her away without at least trying it first. You'll never know unless you do, right?

Also, I'm interested in the fact that you credit your environment for your wiring. Nurture vs nature kind of thing. Take some time for introspection: do you believe you're wired monogamous, or is it more a product of your environment? It varies person to person, there's no absolute answer. Even if you find you're wired to be mono, you may want to explore mono-poly relationships (search on here, lots of gems). And if you discover that it's more a product of culture, then perhaps this begins a new chapter in your life!
 
Hi Electrickery,
Welcome from a former Michigander.

I would suggest don't make any big decisions until you've learned more about polyamory: both in general, and in terms of how it's practiced by your girlfriend and her other boyfriend. Even if you ultimately decide to not stay with her, there's no harm in learning about polyamory. Knowledge is a good thing, and familiarity may help ease some of the discomfort you're feeling.

Telling people you're poly isn't an easy thing; many poly people are "in the closet" about it. Telling someone you're dating is especially difficult, but I admit it's something that needs to be done, and a couple of months seems a bit long for her to wait before telling you. I'm just saying you might want to extend some pardon to her on this point; put yourself in her shoes, she probably had a hard time figuring out how and when to tell you.

If you get along well with the both of them, then you have a good thing that shouldn't be quickly tossed aside. Give it a chance. Learn about polyamory. Explore this site and find out what specific questions you may have. Post as needed, and people will respond.

I just think you've had a bit of a shock, and need some time to think about it. It's okay to invest a little more time in this, most things in life that are worthwhile involve a certain amount of investment/risk.

Give all the above posts in this thread some thought; they're good posts and have good advice.

Welcome aboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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