If your partner doesn't know you have a secondary relationship, is it cheating?

C

colorado

New member
Hi, I am new to the forum and would like to know what you think about my situation. I am a gay male and have been in a semi-open relationship with Archie for 6 years. We have been very very happy. I honestly think he is the love of my life.

I am way more open-minded and adventurous than Archi.

I met someone else last year, Andres, who I had this crazy physical connection with. At first, it was just sex, but he insisted for months we should hang out. I finally met his boyfriend of 8 years, Tristan, and a couple of his friends. He is not in a open relationship because Tristan can't handle it.

Andres and I have grown very close. Besides the mind-blowing sex, we perform a lot of physical activities together that our boyfriends have zero interest in. We are both in great shape; our partners are not, so we complement each other well. We are also becoming really good friends and talk about personal stuff.

Anyway, I thought this was a fling at first, but I am developing true feelings for Andres. I think I would like to have a secondary relationship with him, but I am positive neither Archie nor Tristan would approve.

I wouldn't like to end my primary relationship, because I get tons of fulfillment and joy from it. Andres is in the same situation... Is this just plain cheating? Or can you have a 'closeted' polyamorous relationship?
 
Archie and Tristan are unaware of it, so you are cheating. If you had an agreement about nondisclosure, which equated to "don't ask, don't tell," then they are poly relationships. However, if you are asking and are unsure, then you probably already know the answer. DADT requires some knowledge of the relationship, just a conscious choice to remain blind to it.
 
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colorado said:
Is this just plain cheating? Or can you have a 'closeted' polyamorous relationship?
Click to expand...
Yes, you are cheating.

There is no such thing as a "closeted" poly relationship, not in terms of other loves. Polyamory is based on ethical and consensual non-monogamy. You aren't participating in that.

I understand that you love Andres, but you have spent a good deal of time creating something that is very hurtful, deceitful and disrespectful to the men you both love.

There are some interesting threads on here about cheating and what makes a poly relationship work if you are interested. You can find them by doing a tag search for "cheating" "foundations" and "lessons." I hope they help sort out where to go next with your situation.
 
Colorado,

It has been my observation that many (perhaps most) gay men have "semi-open" relationships, most of which are best described as "sexually non-monogamous" + "emotionally monogamous". In these situations, one is "allowed" to have "just sex" with people with whom no significant emotional connection or attachment is "allowed". This has proven to be a challenge for me, since I and my partner are both poly, and I'd like to have another actual relationship with another man while keeping my partner.

A startling few men are avialable for what I have to offer. After all, even if I were single
I'd face the challenge of finding another compatible man where mutual attraction of a physical-emotional kind exists. (It seems to me that only a fraction of gay men really want a whole, rounded relationship with a man.) .... My challenge is greater as a poly guy because polyamory isn't well understood or accepted by "the demographic".

You're between a rock and a hard place, Colorado. The only good option you have, I think, is to risk honesty and openness. Truth.

Don't procrastinate long.
 
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