Illness and adequate support / Venting

I have had a lot of health issues this last year. This topic came up because GG (boyfriend) who I've had a relationship with to some degree or another behaved and felt like "as long as Maca (husband) is there, she doesn't need me".
I was DEVASTATED.
To say the least any time EITHER of them have had any sort of health or family emergency I've made it a priority to be there.

In all honesty-this lack of "stepping up to the responsibilities" is the exact reason why I broke up with GG 2 days ago. Because for me-there isn't room for a relationship in my life where both partners aren't willing to prioritize taking responsibility for each other.

To me-poly isn't an excuse for neglect. If there are 3 partners, that should mean you have MORE support, not less.

JMHO...
 
LovingRadiance said:
To say the least any time EITHER of them have had any sort of health or family emergency I've made it a priority to be there.

To me-poly isn't an excuse for neglect. If there are 3 partners, that should mean you have MORE support, not less.

JMHO...
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I appreciate your feedback LovingRadiance. I know that I, too, would give either/both of them priority if there was a family or health emergency. And...yes...I, too, would hope that poly would be an opportunity for more support...especially since he's referring to us potentially as a "family" (sister-wife sort of thing.) Sometimes I wonder if they're not more concerned about never being in a relationship again where they feel like they're being "controlled" by a committed partner than the ability to love more than one person at a time.:confused:
 
I have chronic medical issues and I can't image my DH or BF not being there for me.

I wondered when you had your conversation about your needs being met during your recent health scare. I hope I am not being to nosy.

I can understand the idea of fear of controlling.
 
Livingmybestlife said:
I have chronic medical issues and I can't image my DH or BF not being there for me.

I wondered when you had your conversation about your needs being met during your recent health scare. I hope I am not being to nosy.

I can understand the idea of fear of controlling.
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LR that must have really added to your recovery stress! Someone on this thread said don't assume a bf or SO would realize a hospital stay would require attention or altering plans, I think that is bs! Not that you have to rearrange your schedule for a hangnail but a hospital stay (several days at that) is a different story all together. I mean at least make the offer unless you are a completely self-centered neanderthal! If you love someone at the very least health issues should be a concern.

BTW what is a DH? Husband?
Fear of controlling/laying on the guilt is what we are talking here correct? I just cannot imagine any excuse being good enough to completely ignore your responsibility to be there for your spouse/bf/gf/SO/OSO. I don't think it is the responsibility of the injured or ill to ask to clarify what they need from a SO at that particular time, they are sick for goodness sake. I mean doesn't anyone think that by being in a relationship it automatically makes you somewhat responsible to the other's basic needs being met?:confused:
 
Sorcha17 said:
LR that must have really added to your recovery stress! Someone on this thread said don't assume a bf or SO would realize a hospital stay would require attention or altering plans, I think that is bs! Not that you have to rearrange your schedule for a hangnail but a hospital stay (several days at that) is a different story all together. I mean at least make the offer unless you are a completely self-centered neanderthal! If you love someone at the very least health issues should be a concern.
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Ok I deleted what I originally wrote because I realize it was going to go strongly against the grain. I still don't believe your sentiment is true. And I hope I can explain it

As a guy whose wife has an illness that requires a lot of attention sometimes, I hear about pain, pills, doctors and sickness daily. Every day...not a break. When I take on a secondary, as I believe was the case, I will need to be communicated to that persons specific level of pain/sickness needs. I CAN'T guess. I am far from a Neanderthal and far from self centred. However my tolerance of pain and requirements of comforting are different than, say my wife. There is never a time when communicating your needs is bad...with my own wife, she needs to be clear, if I jumped everytime she had a flareup or pain, or became exhausted, I would become a nurse mother. Something she doesn't need, so she needs to communicate to me her problems, preferably with a level of how much it hurts.

Ideally, I will ask, and I probably will...but not everyone will. Not everyone is cognizant of sickness. So its always safe to communicate the problem.

BTW what is a DH? Husband?
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Dear husband if my googling doesn't lie :)

Hope that was a good counter point to what you were saying, which I do understand btw. There may be a back story as to why someone doesn't jump everytime they hear about a persons pain or hospital visit.

Ari
 
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Sorry DH is a commonly known as dear husband
DS dear son
DW dear wife
dd dear daughter

I have great support with my condition. Even my dogs give support. Sometimes my body takes on the ambient temperature. So the dogs laying against me can really help.
 
Ari-
I agree, communication is necessary.
For me I guess I was thinking in terms of myself-well I know I was, because I was expressing the situation I had.
I am VERY GOOD about communicating what I want/need before the fact.
Everyone in my life knows that I expect that both my DH and my BF (now ex) are BOTH fully responsible to me and the family and I to both of them and the family in all those ways.
BUT-there is no way to know what the expectations are if you don't discuss it in advance and I totally agree with you, there is no replacement for communication.
 
I tend not to hover when ppl are ill or in pain, imply b/c I am always ill or in pain and I HATE when people hover of me. I'm sick, not an invalid. Karma asks every morning- how are you feeling today-and we go from there. It gives me the chance to say if I think I'll need extra help, and puts him on the same page so he isn't left to assume.

But I still stand by the fact that if any of us were in the hosp, we'd drop whatever we could to be there. Hospital stays are much different than chronic illness.

I like LR expect anyone I or Karma are in a relationship with to be comitted to the family as much as we are to theirs. Yes needs need to be expressed and communication key, but I just find it unaaceptable to not be there for a SO who is having a medical (or any other for that matter) crisis.
 
When I stop and think about it...I have a couple of good female friends who live near me and I didn't have to ask them or tell them I wanted/needed them to come and see me in the hospital. And....we have never discussed what our wants and needs are as friends related to when one of us is ill or hospitalized. (I hadn't been admitted to a hospital since having had my last child 24 years ago!) Admittedly they live near me, but it was still an 1 and 1/2 hour drive for them to come to the hospital and see me...after they had worked their full work week and have spouses and families to care for. They called me and said they were coming to see me when their work week was done and apologized that they couldn't be there sooner. Then when they got to the hospital and I was struggling with getting adequate medical care where I was at they told me "If you want to leave and go to another hospital you just tell us where and we'll drive you there." I decided to stay where I was after a discussion with the doctor.

My friends went on to do some shopping in another town that was one hour away. On their way back home they stopped back at the hospital to drop off some new pajamas they'd bought me because "You shouldn't have to go around with your backside hanging out in one of those horrible hospital gowns." Bless their hearts and thoughtfulness. I hadn't complained about the gown. I had gone in on an emergency basis and "it was what it was." But it sure felt good...more comfortable and humanizing...to get into my new pajamas!

One of their sons (18 years old) had come along so he could drive my car back home from the hospital rather than have it sit any longer in the parking lot. (And that son and his brother proceeded to wash and clean my car after taking it home because "we feel so bad for your friend, mom, and we just want to do something for her.") I also had several people from work tell me they were upset that I hadn't called them to have them drive me to the hospital ER when I was first admitted. (I hadn't wanted to bother anybody because I knew they had to go to work, and I wasn't really sure my condition was all that bad or serious.) I have no family near where I live. I live in Utah and most of my family lives back in Michigan.

It may be that since our guy is a nurse who works in the ER and she is a paramedic that their sense of urgency around medical issues is very different because of the critical nature of those they care for. But.....that doesn't meet my need for love and support when I'm struggling. And, I sure could have used a strong medical advocate because the hospital staff wasn't able to determine what was going on. I felt they weren't being very aggressive in their diagnostic attempts and were not doing very well with pain management. (This was a small hospital in rural Utah) I had discussed this situation with my guy on the phone while in the hospital. He was shocked at how lacking in knowledge and modern techniques for diagnosis and pain management this hospital was. A doctor I saw after my discharge from the hospital expressed similar thoughts and concerns, and even went so far as to say one of the pain meds they had given me was contraindicated for what they thought might be causing my pain.
 
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Dragonflysky,

I was just asking if when you discussed your relationship with your guy, if you let him know how you felt about the disregard you felt about your illness.

That they wouldn't even offer to have one come and the other go to the swimmeet.

LYB
 
dragonflysky said:
It may be that since our guy is a nurse who works in the ER and she is a paramedic that their sense of urgency around medical issues is very different because of the critical nature of those they care for.
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I think it is very generous for you to be giving them the benefit of the doubt, but it makes me mad on your behalf that two medical workers wouldn't come see you. I worked in a hospital for four years and because of that I would never let anyone I cared about be alone in the hospital. I have seen what insane things can go on (and I was at a top rated teaching hospital, one of the "best" ones) and would never let a loved one navigate that environment without an advocate. Now I'm all ready to kick some ass on your behalf :rolleyes:

Anyway, I hope everything works out how you want it to and that they step up and realize what they should have done.
 
Livingmybestlife said:
Dragonflysky,

I was just asking if when you discussed your relationship with your guy, if you let him know how you felt about the disregard you felt about your illness.

That they wouldn't even offer to have one come and the other go to the swimmeet.

LYB
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No I didn't bring up the hospital incident. By the time we finally got to talk it was long done and over with...and I hate dragging up the past.

Part of it is my struggle with asking for help. I have old messages running around in my head about being "too clingy" or "too needy". No one has ever accused me of this, but the thoughts are there. I feel so damn vulnerable when I ask for help. And allowing myself to be more vulnerable is a work in progress for me. I'm making progress, but have a ways to go.

I had told him prior to the whole hospital incident that I felt more like a "secondary" in his life and didn't want to be in that role in a poly relationship. I told him that I wanted to be taken into consideration more in their decision making, to be more of an active partner in it, and that I wanted more than once a week phone contact with him since it's the only way we have to communicate regularly. (He's not fond of email. I had already made the request for more frequent contact....with him taking more initiative in making calls...a few months before that. He said he would try and do better at that time, but it didn't change much.) He told me he didn't intend for me to feel that way, and that the type of poly relationships he and his current partner were seeking were more as a "polyfamily", "sister-wife", "brother-husband" type of thing.

Sometimes I think that I'm so damn busy trying to be "fair"...and not "selfish"... with everyone else that I'm not fair to myself! (Probably the therapist in me coming out! ;) )
 
Thanks for answering. I understand where your coming from. Trying to be fair to everyone sometimes results in your needs not being met. Remember in the long wrong if you state you needs in a good way, then you don't have unreal expectations or resentments when unknown needs aren't met.
 
My husband hates hospitals. His father went on a trip and his mother snuck and had him committed. (She lied and said he threatened and attempted to kill himself.) There was a paperwork error and he got stuck in the next state over for about a week until his dad could get him out. The facility he went to didn't really focus on therapy and just pumped folks full of drugs. (I'm going somewhere with this I promise.)

Almost two weeks ago I had horrible shoulder pain to the point where I couldn't drive. I went to the ER via ambulance. The hospital is on the same base he works at and I called his job to let him know I was fine, didn't need him there and to make sure to pick me up before he left base.

He RACED to his car. Passed a mutual friend of ours and he told me later he's NEVER seen my husband move like that. Drove to the hospital and was sitting outside of radiology waiting on me. Last week they stuck a needle in my shoulder to inject steroids to reduce inflammation. He was sitting right there in the exam room holding my hand. Even those hospitals make him hyperventilate, he was still there. I asked him about it, because in addition to the fear of hospitals and needles; he was also on duty that day which is a large part of why I asked the person who answered the phone not to have him come. You know what he said?

I joined the military for my family. You're my family and you come first.


You deserve that. It is SHIT that he didn't even express upset that he couldn't be there for you. SHIT. You deserve to be the primary you're looking to be and as for the behavior at the event...unless you've established a set up as a submissive that's some mess. Yall are all adults and they treated you like a child. Bunk.
 
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