I'm a hypocrite, and I don't know what to do

[sexyserb]

Miket,

i would not let yourself get beat up by this "one penis policy" crap. Your wife and you entered into this poly lifestyle based on her wanting to and agreeing to her also being with other women. From what you have written there was NEVER serious discussion of another man entering the picture.
Now, it is obvious this whole thing is not working out the way either of you intended, so why not scrap the whole thing and reestabliash and repair your relationship rahter than accepting that you are now OBLIGATED to either accept any changes she makes or you are some kind of pig.

And no, you do not have the right to tell a grown woman how to use her body. But you sure as hell have the right to tell her you have the right to end the marriage if boundaries you BOTH agreed to are changed unilaterally.

For some reason, there is a crowd on here who has decided one you enter the new relationship anything goes and its totally up to the uncomfirtable partner to either adjust or take a walk.

Now id get rid of Samantha and sit with your wife and see if you two can work this out for a bit with just the two of you. you are not obligated to do a damm thing simply because she decides to change the rules.

 

[PinkPig]

For some reason, there is a crowd on here who has decided one you enter the new relationship anything goes and its totally up to the uncomfirtable partner to either adjust or take a walk.

Not speaking for any of the other posters, but my opinion is that doing anything just because we've always done it that way or because I have uncomfortable emotions around changing it, is not a good reason to contine doing it. Change and growth will cause uncomfortable emotions. It is not fair of me to expect to control another's behavior in order to avoid dealing with my own uncomfortable emotions.

On the other hand, if I've searched myself and am clear what my boundaries are, then no, I should not be expected to disregard my boundaries just so my partner can do his thing. But my partner may be equally clear that his thing is something he wishes to have in order to be fulfilled. In that case, we are no longer compatible as partners.

That's where my advice comes from. If (as Galagirl said), his wife seeing other men is a hard limit, then it's a hard limit. He lets his wife know it's his limit and she has the choice to either agree to that limit or, if the limit isn't acceptable to her, to walk away. The problem is, people are messy and we often don't relate that way....we don't want to recognize when we're no longer incompatible and we hang on to relationships that no longer work by either bending ourselves into pretzels or trying to control our partners. Or, on the flipside, we call things hard limits that really aren't hard limits just because we don't want to do the emotional work (and that is no more fair to our partner than it is for our partner to force us into something we don't wish to do.)

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Miket,

Most likely you and Marie will stay married, but not happily. She has discovered that she wants something; namely, dating other guys. You are telling her not to do that, and she probably won't, unless she decides to cheat on you, but she won't be pleased with you. I personally think a divorce would be the best thing, but who wants to get a divorce, that is too painful. I just think that you and Marie have irreconcilable differences.

I also think you and Samantha should break up, again due to irreconcilable differences. She wants monogamy, you want polyamory. If you don't break up now, you probably will eventually, such as when she finds a monogamous man to date.

There are other ways things could turn out of course. Marie could divorce you, then Samantha could marry you and you could end up in a monogamous marriage with Samantha. But why roll the dice and just accept whatever fate dictates? Study the details of what's going on right now and take action that makes sense according to those details.

If you could be okay with Marie dating men that would be great, if you can't you can't. But to be okay with Samantha, you'd have to become monogamous. Then you really would have to divorce Marie. I don't mean to be cold or callous, I am just trying to be logical and judge by my past experience.

You have to decide whether to just go with the flow.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[MeeraReed]

Miket,

Now id get rid of Samantha

This is a repulsive way to refer to a human being. Samantha isn't a dog that he can take back to the pound. Nor a sex toy that he can chuck in the garbage.

 

[MeeraReed]

Miket,

It sounds like you and your wife have grown a lot together and learned a lot of new things about polyamory together. You fell in love with someone else, and Marie adjusted to the idea that she and Samantha are not going to have the relationship that she expected.

The way things have worked out with Samantha represents a change of the rules that you and Marie started with. It wasn't what either of you wanted, but you've accepted it and changed your expectations.

So why hold Marie to the standard that SHE can't change the original terms, that she only date women, when you both have changed & grown from the original terms? Sure, you can decide to divorce Marie if you can't accept her dating other men--but don't blame Marie for that! You've both learned more about polyamory and grown beyond your original expectations for just threesomes.

You can certainly decide that Marie dating another man would be unacceptable for you. But it seems a shame to divorce an awesome women that you love, without at least TRYING to do some work on yourself to overcome your knee-jerk disgust at her being with another man.

I mean, what is that really about? Is it the idea of male genitalia? What can a man's penis do that a woman's fingers/tongue/sex toys/etc can't do? (Hint: nothing).

 

[ref2018]

What can a man's penis do that a woman's fingers/tongue/sex toys/etc can't do? (Hint: nothing).

Hint: there is at least *one* thing a man's penis can do that none of those other things can do.

PM me if you want to know what it is.

 

[vinsanity0]

A boundary isn't something people agree on together. It's something one person does for themselves. Like MeeraReed said, if someone crosses a boundary you put there for yourself, don't blame that person. They didn't break a rule. They did something you don't like. You decide on a course of action.

And being against OPP (or OVP) isn't "crap". Having that policy is crap.

 

[lunabunny]

You can certainly decide that Marie dating another man would be unacceptable for you. But it seems a shame to divorce an awesome women that you love, without at least TRYING to do some work on yourself to overcome your knee-jerk disgust at her being with another man.

^ Agree strongly with what Meera says here. It is what I was trying to convery, using examples from my own life, in my previous, unacceptably long-winded post.

I mean, what is that really about? Is it the idea of male genitalia? What can a man's penis do that a woman's fingers/tongue/sex toys/etc can't do? (Hint: nothing).

Hint: there is at least *one* thing a man's penis can do that none of those other things can do.

PM me if you want to know what it is.

Without wanting to be Captain Obvious here, a man's penis can ejaculate sperm. Therefore, a man has the ability to/runs the risk of (depending on perspective) impregnating any fertile woman with whom he engages in intercourse. Not to mention, sex with a live penis is capable of transmitting various diseases. (And yes, there can still be a minute risk of both things even if condoms are used.)

A man's genitals also have this neat ability to "twitch" right about the time he reaches that point of no return, and some women enjoy that feeling AND the sensation of the man actually coming inside them.

Overall, a male body has a different vibe than a woman's - generally speaking, of course - more muscular/harder planes/fewer curves/taller/different odour and the like.

Therefore, on very primal, biological level, sex with a man is different... feels different... even if the actual sensation of orgasm is the same as with a woman or a sex toy. And by different I do not mean better. That depends on the people involved, their orientation and sexual compatibility.

 

[jaymeexvee]

I am in a similar situation. I am bisexual and so is my partner (she identifies as pansexual). When we decided to take our relationship to the next level she originally said she was still monogamous but was happy for me. It's only been a couple of weeks and she is realizing through using dating apps and such that she is also capable of having feelings for others. She's been mainly talking to girls. That was fine as I have been mainly talking to guys and it seems we are the only woman/man for each other.

However the other day she sprung on me that she possibly has feelings for a guy friend that was constantly hitting on her when we were monogamous. I had called her out on having feelings for him during that time and she denied them. Now that she's sprung this on me, it makes us both realize that she was unhealthily pushing aside her possible actual feelings for him.

As a transman, the idea of a cisguy entering the picture for her scares me. There are so many things that a cisguy is capable of that I am not, and she has mentioned to me that she enjoys seeing a cisguy get turned on by her and she enjoys cum. These are both things I lack although there are many things I can do as a transguy that cisguys cannot.

But we're working through it. I asked her how she'd feel if I decided to pursue a woman and she said it would be difficult, so she understands my point of view. I'm trying not to be close minded, but it is terrifying. I feel like if we had a male involved, I would also like to be involved with the male - but this guy in question is very straight (and I believe very monogamous - which also worries me).

I think it's important for us as polyamorous people though to not allow things like this to ruin what we have because I know my relationship with my partner has become much more open and stronger and our communication and connection is amazing. And I want her to explore her feelings for other people, just like she's allowing me to explore my feelings for other people.

To be honest though, the jealous jerk side of me wants to find a woman to pursue just to make her feel like I am. But I am not going to force something and that would be a total asshole move. It would be messing with the feelings and emotions of all involved, and I'm not about that.

 

[vinsanity0]

Poly people really need to let go of this notion that we need to be everything to a primary partner and anything else is just a side piece.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Though I'm no fan of the socalled OPP, I'm agreeing with sexyserb: it's basic contract law.

The original understanding seems to've been that the marriage would be opened enough to maybe seek an FMF threeway, seemingly at Marie's suggestion.

This was shoehorned a bit (mutually) to make it a recurring thing.

Then Marie decided there probably shouldn't be "limits." It's at that point, I'd argue, that the agreement snags.

Yes, both Mike & Marie are naive noobs, clinging to Monogamism. For instance, the need to have sex as a couple rather than as individuals capable of solo survival. ("We were both dating the same person, that seemed like the very definition of fair.") My guess: after a great start, they never had to learn how to TRULY trust each other, & this crack is suddenly found to be a chasm.

Is Mike a hypocrite? No -- merely getting overwhelmed by Reality now that the walls of Monogamism have turned to sand. He ought to get over it, stop snivelling, & work with the tools he's got.

However, that he can even consider shoving Sam out the airlock tells me maybe he's NOT ready for anything close to polyamory, especially because he doesn't seem to've shared this thought with EITHER "partner."

And this is certainly the REALLY WRONG time to impose the OPP. ("I thought I could deal with the idea of her having a separate relationship with another woman, even if I'm not involved.") It's just turning the New Meat into Forbidden Fruit, encouraging Marie to not only explore new dick but to find reasons that it's "better" than what she has at home (albeit part-time).

(IMO, my sex partners generally had other guys who were better than me in one or more ways: youth, looks, muscles, income, career. Yet somehow most of those "better" guys faded away when the novelty wore off.)

And IMNSHO, Sam ought to butt the hell out a little. ("Samantha is bothered by the Polyamorous aspect of the relationship") If Mike wants to consider dumping Marie so that he can be cowgirled by Sam, that's cool, & the thread is done.

And IME at least 9 times out of 10, a sudden onset of "STD concerns" is utter bullshit, manipulation under a PC guise. ("Samantha is bothered by ... the idea that Marie would be with other partners, and the risk of disease when I am with them both.") Sorry, Mike, but at this point it is in order -- pertinent even -- to say, "honey, please tell the room why this is suddenly a concern right damn NOW??"

At first read, I was tempted to simply slag Marie as a standard "manipulative bitch." Now, I regret that thought: like Mike, she's probably overwhelmed by the seemingly limitless potentials of nonmonogamy, thrashing around in deep waters & so exhilarated she isn't aware how close she is to drowning.

Mike has stepped over the threshold; in many ways, the worst is past, & his eyes are open (if still a bit unfocussed). If he wants to pursue nonmonogamy, then he should either dump BOTH women, or begin anew with Marie, with whom a "track record" exists; having stumbled a few times, they both have many opportunities to figure shit out.

If Mike wants closed monogamy, for a looooong time, then divorce Marie & go with Sam. However, seeing as it was HER who talked herself into "trying bi" (& brought up the STD scare), I suspect a level of sneakiness; as the relationship settles in, I wouldn't be surprised if it was Sam to make moves outside the dyad, possibly without consulting Mike.

If he wants ongoing nonmonogamy, he NEEDS to present this to Sam ASAP.

But, dude, PLEASE STOP thrashing wildly from one extreme to another!!! Nothing quite says "go fuck yourself, darling!" like "tell my wife she can do whatever she wants."

No, dumbass: tell her, "I love you. I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to own you either. If you love me & you want us to be together for years to come, please help me to understand what it is I need to feel more secure about us & about myself."

And stop the wishy-washy bullshit: "I occasionally need to engage in threesomes with my wife to meet her needs." No, you don't, & no, she doesn't. If your wifey can't be nonmonogamous all by herself, then she sucks at it & should take up cycling instead. If you can't drop the role of Rescuer, then find a therapist, because it's not healthy for you or for people with whom you want to relate.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Using dating apps, she is realizing that she is capable of having feelings for others.

Oh... no. Just no. Getting steamy panties while thinking about sex with an interesting stranger is PORN -- not "feelings" in any rational definition.

There's soooo much misapprehension here... While this probably ought to be its own thread, it needs crisis management.

It's only been a couple of weeks

In other words, the beginning of the conversation, & waaaay too soon to go running with scissors.

she understands my point of view.

No, she probably doesn't, & soon enough you'll hear "but you just don't understaaaaand!!" Set aside the tit-for-tat nonsense & get her to explain, in great detail, her rationalizations of HER place & her rationalizations of YOUR place -- then you do the same. Done right, it'll take hours, & maybe more than one session.

I feel like if we had a male involved, I would also like to be involved with the male

Monogamist "sacred couple" nonsense. Best gone. Be more concerned about his expectation of eventual monogamy. Does he give an actual damn about you, much less respect your place in her life?

she has mentioned to me that she enjoys seeing a cisguy get turned on by her and she enjoys cum

Is this something you've known all along, or was it mentioned in passing during tea with Mum? I find suspect such "oh by the way" bombshells:

she sprung on me that she has feelings for a guy friend that was constantly hitting on her

First of all, I find "hitting on" to be a turnoff for anything more than sex, & I'm a mostly-straight guy who has been catnip more than a few times. By the time I played those games, though, I was experienced in nonmonogamy & had steady stable relationships to anchor me so that I didn't read more into it than "let's fuck to exhaustion."

And years of observation tells me to ALWAYS be suspicious if it turns out someone is "waiting in the wings" when "put the spark back in our relationsip" or "share what we have with others" suddenly appears -- oh, happy coincidence, NOT. One or both either planned it explicitly, or has been sniffing around for a weakness for some time.

You & her both need to pull off the metaphoric road for a bit. Settle down, chart a path together, figure out what's actually going on -- have a weekend lockdown if necessary. Suggest she should date ANYONE BUT that guy for... oh, dunno, a year, & meantime to maintain much distance.

 

[Miket]

Just because your partner is dating someone it doesn't mean you have to be involved in their relationship. You do not need to get something out of your wife dating others and vice versa. People are not sex toys to spice up your marriage and to be thrown away at your whim. People who dabble in poly and behave like you are the reason a lot of people have a negative image of polyamory.

You definitely are not going to get any support here for your One Penis Policy. By your own rules then you should only be allowed to have sex with men outside your relationship. I am sure you are going to answer with but I am heterosexual. Well guess what your wife is Bisexual she like both men and women and how dare you tell a grown women with whom she can share her body.

I absolutely realize at this point that just because one of us is involved with someone doesn't mean the other one is a part of that. Although that is certainly how we started this (by her insistence). There was never a desire to treat people as disposable, which is why we wanted to "date" someone, get to know them, and develop a relationship before jumping into bed. We actually had hoped originally for a long term closed throuple. I don't know if this is simply a semantics issue in the poly community, but I am not telling her what she can and cannot do. What I AM saying, is that if she chooses to go be with other men I don't know how to be with her moving forward. I had hoped for something constructive from this post, but I realize by your response that this is simply too triggering to people who apparently have this all figured out. Thank you anyway though.

 

[Tinwen]

I am not telling her what she can and cannot do. What I AM saying, is that if she chooses to go be with other men I don't know how to be with her moving forward. I had hoped for something constructive from this post, but I realize by your response that this is simply too triggering to people who apparently have this all figured out. Thank you anyway though.

Listen to Ravenscroft.

tell her, "I love you. I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to own you either. If you love me & you want us to be together for years to come, please help me to understand what it is I need to feel more secure about us & about myself."

I know the rest of his post isn't very appealing, but he's being really constructive here. That's your way to proceed in exploring this topic as partners.

 

[FunSlut]

I am "Marie."

Miket has more of an aversion to me being with other men than the average guy. When we first got together he would get very upset that I had been intimate with a couple other men before I met him. To the point where I felt like he thought I was a whore and I thought it would break us. He saw a picture of one of the guys once and didn't speak to me for a day.

I mention this because I do think there could be a rumination component to this.

When we started talking about trying some sexual experimentation about a year and a half ago it started on a whim. He brought up visiting the bunny ranch and it went from there. We both were equally talking about what we would be comfortable with for several months. Miket was always the one to actually take action to make things happen.

I did tons and tons of reading and wanted to be sure that we did this ethically and right. We still were basically unicorn hunters, but I wanted us to avoid the negative things that couples do. We learned a lot from dating our first girlfriend. But it was exhausting (she was a liar and manipulator). So, after I broke up with her, I asked miket that we take a break from poly. First, I was very busy and tired. Two, I was reading more poly books and felt like we needed to do some things better, like not be UH.

During dating our first girlfriend, I did bring up more things I'd be interested in trying. To me it was an extension of the entire experience and conversation we had started. One of those things was being allowed to date on our own, including men. Things were emotionally painful for about 3 days after I mentioned that. It was awful.

When he asked "Samantha" to go to dinner with us it was still in the time I did not want to date or be actively poly. But, when she agreed I said it was okay with me.
She is a wonderful woman. The two of them started a budding romance which made me happy, but envious at times.

So, yeah, after spending some nights alone with my envy I brought up the idea of me also being able to date someone that I could have those feelings with.

I am so happy with my life and my marriage. My issue is that the inequality eats at me. He's dating. I feel like I should be able to, too. I don't want to be forever restricted by him. And I am especially concerned about being further restricted by my metas.

However! I am not interested in torturing my love. He spent so much time thinking about this issue Monday thru Wednesday that it was negatively impacting our intimate life and general happiness. So, I asked that we table it for now and enjoy the holiday weekend. Which we did. I'm happy, it's not like I'm wanting to run out and date people this minute. I'd be content working on this as a couple in little chunks for a reasonable period of time. It's just that miket is having trouble getting to the bottom of why he feels certain things. I bought a jealousy workbook, but I don't know if it will be helpful. He's seen several counselors, but that hasn't really helped.

Even if I never date anyone, it seems like he would benefit from working through it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi FunSlut,

Thanks for signing on, and telling your side of the story. It sounds like you and Miket have hope of working things out, if you do it in little pieces. So you don't get burned out. I hope the forum has been of some help, and that it will be of more help in the future.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

Welcome to the forum. It's pretty rare that we get to hear both sides of the story.

May I ask what your motivation to seek out a triad was? Did it just start out as a exciting threesome fantasy, or do you consider yourself bisexual or biromantic?

The whole patriarchal ownership mentality that Miket has might take a long time to overcome. It will probably take more than an occasional visit to an occasional therapist.

In reading about poly and UH you've probably seen that your story is fairly typical. It usually starts as a fantasy/way to spice up a couple's sex life. The threesome ends up being MFF because maybe the wife is bi-curious, or the guy wants it because that is every guy's fantasy. Then they decide they maybe want to try and date a hot bi babe. Usually the hbb doesn't have equal feelings for both, or the wife isn't really into women in that way. Of course now that the husband has had his cake he want to keep eating.

At this point in can go several ways. You've run into the patriarchal thing. He realizes it is wrong, but he needs to dredge up why he feels that way. It is obviously deeply entrenched. I get it. I was raised in a traditional christian household. A large portion of society feels that way.It's a lot to get over. I wish there was an easy answer.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

Miket, it seems you are throwing the baby out with the bathwater here. Yes, there have been some negative responses to your dilemma, but there has been constructive advice as well.

 

[Refusnik]

What I AM saying, is that if she chooses to go be with other men I don't know how to be with her moving forward. I had hoped for something constructive from this post, but I realize by your response that this is simply too triggering to people who apparently have this all figured out. Thank you anyway though.

I'm curious, did you learn anything from being put through the OPP buzzsaw?

I'll be upfront, I understand why the people here subjected you to such directed, energetic criticism- a lot of what you said appears to be rooted in the mother culture's narrative of hetero-normative monogamy being the one way. That said, I don't think shouting in your face (to be fair not everyone did, there was some solid advice in most of it) that you're wrong is the best way to go.

There's a couple things about your original post that make me think there's a lot of hope for you and Marie to move past this. First, you acknowledge the hypocrisy of your current opinion in your very first post. That takes some amount of courage to throw yourself out there in that way. It indicates not only some amount of self awareness but also, some degree of empathy because you realize it's unfair to your partner.

Secondly, I feel you were very honest, and also made yourself vulnerable, by accurately reporting the very strong emotions that you'd feel should Marie have a relationship with another man. Part of the reason you received such a strong reaction from other posters is that the strength and character of the emotions you describe, coupled with the hypocrisy, are anathema to functional healthy poly practice. Disgust that also amounts to slut shaming works like a nuclear tipped torpedo in any type of relationship, so I think quite naturally there was a strong reaction.

To me, your self awareness of your hypocrisy, the fact that you have enough emotional intelligence to articulate what you feel and also make yourself vulnerable say that you're in possession of at least the basic emotional toolkit necessary to work through this situation in a non-toxic way, at least if that's what you choose to do.

If you decide that doing the work necessary for you to be accepting of Marie having a relationship with another man, then you've already taken the first step- you've been emotionally honest with her, or at least it appears that you have. The feelings you have are strong and to some degree, unpleasant, but in the end, they don't demand any specific action even if it feels like they do.

As others have said, a very useful place to start is to ask yourself where these feelings come from? Are they a product of how you were raised, maybe even particular experiences from your past? Are you afraid she might like another man more than you, leading her to abandon you? Are they coming from a place of insecurity or anxiety? If you feel safe doing so, have honest open conversations with Marie (or someone else you trust) about what this inquiry reveals.

The next thing I'd recommend asking yourself is who do you want to be in this situation? Do you want to be a person that is disgusted with a partner that you love, sickened to the point where you feel you have no choice but to leave? If this is the case, that's ok, it's who you want to be and I'm in no position to judge. Or would you rather be a person that, despite having difficult to deal with emotion, is able to be empathetic to your partner, listen to her needs, and approach the situation with a willingness to work through it, despite your initial discomfort? Then make it your goal to be that person. One of the best stupid human tricks I've yet learned is that if I want to change my instinctual emotional reactions to situations is visualize or imagine how I want to be as opposed to telling myself what I don't want to be. It seems to me that our brains are more likely to change if we have positive goals and motivation, as opposed to operating from a place of aversion. Once again, if you feel safe doing so, considering sharing with your partner what it is you're working towards. It's a great way to continue building on the emotional trust and honesty that are so important to a healthy loving relationship, monogamous or not.

At some point, if being emotionally ok with Marie having another male partner is what you're working towards then she'll have to venture out and do so. In my experience, it's likely that regardless of the work you've done leading up to it, it's still pretty likely that you're going to struggle with strong feelings, possibly even the ones you'd said you would. What's important is that you both acknowledge the feelings and at the same time, agree you're not going to act on them. She's not going to cancel her plans and you're not going to set your relationship on fire but rather acknowledge that it's your feelings that you need to work through to find acceptance. This is likely the toughest step, no doubt, also the most important one. Speculation on my part here, but I think your feelings are most likely rooted in some kind of fear and examing, understanding, and changing how we respond to our fears can be an exceptionally fraught experience, particularly when they're not rooted in an objective existential threat right in front of us (i.e. an angry hungry grizzly 10 feet in front of you) but rather some nebulous thing buried deep in our psyche. But the cool thing about being human is that if it's something you really want to do, you're capable of doing it. For this step, it can be super helpful to have someone in addition to your partner that you can talk to about this. Being able to safely express your emotions to someone that is a somewhat neutral, empathetic listener helps take some of the heat from them as well giving them a name, making them something that can be better understood. Having someone other than your partner also means that not every conversation with her will be a processing conversation. Something else that has helped me when I've struggled with something like this is akin to people that maybe aren't entirely into having sex at the moment but to make their partner happy say yes then as it proceeds they get into it- I don't ignore the unpleasant feelings, however at the same time, I also take some quiet time to sit (or hike) tell myself something along the lines of I agreed and consented to this, I examined my fears and found them to be based in something I don't believe, I love myself and my partner, my partner loves me, I accept this situation willingly, with love. One caveat, I only do this if it's something I want to accept, something I've agreed to but am struggling with, I wouldn't use this technique to pretzel myself into something I don't want to be. It doesn't deny the unpleasant feelings, it just begins the process of creating the neural pathways necessary for the loving reaction to be the instinctual one. Admittedly, it's tricking yourself at first but sometimes that's what's necessary to overcoming a pattern of thought that embedded itself deep in your brain a long time ago. It also reminds me, even as I struggle, to engage in loving action with regards to my partner- acknowledge my struggle but also support them with love. Once again, I don't know if this is right for anyone else or even the best way to go about it, but it's what worked for me as I struggled with emotionally difficult situations.

All this said, it's your life. From what I read, it seems to me that both you and your wife not only love each other but also have some sense of understanding where the other one is coming from. Also, even if it has been frustrating and hasn't necessarily changed anything yet, it seems like you and Marie have open lines of communication. Lastly, I'll say it one more time, you're at self aware enough to be asking questions about how you are and how to proceed. I take all these as a good sign if the two of you want to continue on the path of ethical non-monogamy. In fact, I think that if these feelings of disgust are something you want to move past, I believe you to be fully capable of it. It takes work, and even then won't be easy, but I think you have it in you if you so choose.

Good luck!

 

[FunSlut]

I appreciate all the replies given here.

One thing that miket said the other day sticks with me. Basically, it's the concept that he would be the one doing all the financial care for me while another man would get to bang me for free.

That's how he felt when his first wife cheated on him. He was working his butt off for a good life for them and she was giving her heart and sex to someone else. He felt used, I think.

But, this is not the same and putting it like this makes it seem like an ownership or prostitution thing. Icky. I am not sure how else to view this thought process.

That's something I'm mulling over tonight.