I'm afraid to ask him

A

Ash

New member
The idea of being able to romantically love more than one person has always been natural to me. But I have never really identified as polyamorous, nor have I ever thought about it much until now. Why now? I'm not sure. I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for three years, it has been a very successful partnership so far. All of my past relationships have been monogamous. I guess I just want to give polyamory a go.

The thing is, I really, really don't know how my boyfriend would react if I asked him how he felt about it. I'd like to gauge how he feels about it without outright asking, but I know that probably isn't possible. He has a tendency to become very closed when talking about things hes not comfortable with, expressing himself very vaguely in ways that I easily misinterpret. I don't want him to feel like he has to submit to something he's not comfortable with, but at the same time, I'm curious if he would be willing to give it a go too.

Any advice for a noob? Haha.
 
dear ash

I am not an experienced poly but I just had this conversation with my husband.
I would say: ask him! make sure you let him know how much he means to you. and let him know that this is actually something you consider because you want to stay together with him.

what would be the worst thing that could happen?
I like to work with worst case scenarios when I am scared about something.

regards
rainfairy
 
Ash said:
The idea of being able to romantically love more than one person has always been natural to me. But I have never really identified as polyamorous, nor have I ever thought about it much until now. Why now? I'm not sure. I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for three years, it has been a very successful partnership so far. All of my past relationships have been monogamous. I guess I just want to give polyamory a go.

The thing is, I really, really don't know how my boyfriend would react if I asked him how he felt about it. I'd like to gauge how he feels about it without outright asking, but I know that probably isn't possible. He has a tendency to become very closed when talking about things hes not comfortable with, expressing himself very vaguely in ways that I easily misinterpret. I don't want him to feel like he has to submit to something he's not comfortable with, but at the same time, I'm curious if he would be willing to give it a go too.

Any advice for a noob? Haha.
Click to expand...

Im gonna go cynical on you here cause of my current situation, so please know im not saying it CANT work...just that you sound similar to me when I started. Before you ask....take a good look at your relationship and make sure you are truly HAPPY with him. not that you are running from or covering up problems by looking elsewhere.
 
Take Gorgeous Kittens advice to heart. If you are looking to solve some problem, like your boyfriend is not exciting you in bed as much, by going poly on him rather than cheating, you are looking to solve a problem in your relationship with non monogamy, which rarely works.

The other thing is, you have every right to have the conversation if you want to, but from what you describe about BF, I would not expect a very positive reaction. I certainly would not approach it on the first conversation with what another poster recommended to you by saying it was to save your relationship with him. That is almost a threat that if you do not do this, I may not be able to stay with you.

The responsible posters will tell you in whatever format they do that this is a MAJOR decision to even bring this up. Make sure you have distinguished whether this is just a want (you said youd like to "give it a go") or something your really NEED, and why.

Once you bring this up to your boyfriend, unless you are wrong and he says "OK, Fine", your relationship may change. The last thing the overwhelming majority of men want to hear from their spouse or partner is that they would like to be intimate with others, especially other men in your case. You better have a well thought out plan because if he does not accept it you will not be with him. Poly mono relationships can work when one partner has noo desire for others. it is NOT going to work if he adamantly opposes it.

Good luck
 
Once you say to your partner hey I want to try polyamory you can't take it back .

Even if you don't act upon it your partner is going to have it in grained in their mind.

Honestly it seems poly works best if you go into a relationship with poly on the table since day one. Do not use poly to spice things up or fill a void it rarely works.
 
friskyone4u said:
I certainly would not approach it on the first conversation with what another poster recommended to you by saying it was to save your relationship with him. That is almost a threat that if you do not do this, I may not be able to stay with you.
Click to expand...

if you are talking about me, I didn't say this. I didn't say "save the relationship".
I mean she should tell him, that she plans to stay with him. that's not the same. I think it is important to tell the partner, that you are not starting to look around for someone next.
please don't misunderstand me, I don't like that.
 
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It is true that you cannot know how he will react/respond ahead of time.

If you want to explore polyamory, know that he might not want same. One possibility may be that you explore it without him because you guys decide to split amicably because you want different things at this point in time. Doesn't have to be a big deal. Another is that he does want to go there with you and you go there together. Can't get to the actual outcome though, without asking the question.

Sounds like you want to know. So could ask him and guard against this

  • He has a tendency to become very closed when talking about things hes not comfortable with, expressing himself very vaguely in ways that I easily misinterpret

since you know that about yourself.

And you could guard against this also if you know his tendency (or yours) leans toward that:

  • I don't want him to to submit to something he's not comfortable with (just to stay in relationship with me)
  • I don't want to ignore his discomfort just to get to poly "with him" in the picture

So ask what you want to ask so you can know what you want to know. Then deal with the response.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

Galagirl
 
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To be successful at multiple relationships good communication is key. I f you are afraid to even broach the subject with him I suspect it wouldn't work out very well especially after what you said about him shutting down when uncomfortable.
 
As someone in what I perceive to be a situation very similar to your own (been with boyfriend for six years, recently discovered I'm some sort of poly, he's more introverted than I am and is usually a "man of few words" when we talk), I brought up the concept gradually, when we were alone and in good moods, just to gauge my boyfriend's willingness to discuss the concept hypothetically or in relation to other people we know. Those talks went well and so eventually I got up the courage to ask him how he would feel about it pertaining to us and our relationship. And without writing a novel, everything has been going well so far. He agrees with me on many things that we'd never discussed before and although we did not have any major problems in our six year relationship before these talks (just saying, I was not trying to "fix" anything with poly), I feel like we're even closer now, and like I really can talk to him about absolutely anything. We'll see what the future holds as we go down this new path, but so far so good. :) Just wanted to share my story with you and maybe give you a little hope/confidence.
 
There are a lot of threads here about how to approach a partner, which you can find if you do a search. I would say that, if you want to gauge his reaction or attitude towards poly without actually proposing your relationship move in that direction yet, bring it up conversationally. "Hey, I saw this TV show / came across an interesting blog / saw or read an interview / was skimming through a book I found , etc., about polyamory and thought it was fascinating. Do you know anything about it? What do you think about it? What I really admire about people who live this way is..." And see if he's willing to talk about it theoretically. This way could give you an idea of how amenable he might be to the possibility of opening up your relationship.
 
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