I'm confused...

[Azure]

Hey,

I have a couple questions related to polyamory and to how I'm specifically struggling with it at the moment, but...I'm going to give them a bit of a lengthy preface for context. If there's a better subforum for this sort of thing, let me know and/or just go ahead and move it, and apologies for any inconvenience.

So, as you might know if you read my admittedly somewhat scattered introduction, I'm very new to this site, and while I'm currently not seeing anyone and my only previous relationship experience is with monogamy, the more I learn about polyamory, the more I feel drawn to it, and the more I feel like I'm somehow naturally inclined to seek out and be happier in poly relationships than mono ones. I don't have poly relationship experience to draw on and say "yes, I was in a poly relationship and I felt much more comfortable overall" (and even if I did, there's a variety of other variables that could be at play that could make me feel that way), yet I still feel as if it's entirely possible I'm naturally inclined to polyamory over monogamy (although I'm not totally sure yet).

I just kinda...well, the ideas really sort of "resonate" with me, and I can really identify with them. I see no issue whatsoever with a partner of mine having other partners, because if they were happy with their relationships with those partners, I feel I'd just be happy that they're being made happy. And when I think about the idea of having multiple partners myself, I feel like it would make me really happy, and the idea of love—including romantic love—being infinite (something I already believed before, though I didn't think to apply it to loving multiple people romantically at the same time) is one I really agree with, and the thought of giving myself fully to more than one person is something I just find really beautiful, and I feel warm and fuzzy whenever I think about it. So yeah...the notion sorta resonates with me on a fairly deep level, I think.

The only other time I've felt a "resonance" this strong with an idea or concept I felt applied to me was, first, when I realized I was actually a woman (I'm trans), and then later when I realized that I was also a lesbian, or...homoflexible maybe? (while I'm not attracted to men, I've crushed on a few non-binary people before, and to fail to acknowledge that by just saying "I'm lesbian" all the time might contribute to nonbinary erasure in a way...but anyway) At any rate, yeah, those were pretty big self-discoveries that felt really "right" to me in very big ways, and when I think about the idea of polyamory I get a similar feeling...so I'm inclined to listen to that and think there's something to it.

So my questions are thus:

1: what do people think about the concept of "being poly" regardless of whether one is currently in a poly relationship or not? I've met people who argue that poly's not an identity, but rather a lifestyle/way of doing things, and others who say you can be innately inclined to polyamory such that—whether you've been in a poly relationship before or not—you can say "I'm poly" even when you're single, because it's like a kind of orientation. I'm guessing one of those views might be a little problematic and the other is closer to the reality, but I'm so new to poly I'm not sure, so I'm asking, in part so I can sort this out with myself, and in part so I can be sure to be respectful about it.

2: Very general, but what insight can any of you give into figuring oneself out in regards to poly things, deciding where one stands and what to do next? I know that's vague, but I guess, if any of you remember a time when you might have been confused like I currently am, any insight at all as to how you dealt with and came to terms with that would be lovely.

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"What do people think about the concept of 'being poly' regardless of whether one is currently in a poly relationship or not?"

Some people consider polyamory to be a relationship orientation, if you will. Others consider polyamory to be a statement of one's situation and life choices. There can be sharp disagreement on this issue. Personally I think polyamory can be either depending on context.

Re:

"Very general, but what insight can any of you give into figuring oneself out in regards to poly things, deciding where one stands and what to do next? I know that's vague, but I guess, if any of you remember a time when you might have been confused like I currently am, any insight at all as to how you dealt with and came to terms with that would be lovely."

I can't say that polyamory was ever confusing to me, once I thought about it and heard about it. I guess I didn't feel strongly orientated towards it, but I did think it was a cool idea and was enthused about the opportunity to participate in it.

If you're trying to decide if polyamory is right for you, my suggestion is to spend some time learning more about polyamory. There's a lot to learn, and the more you know about it, the better of an idea you will have about where you stand in relation to it. Franklin Veaux is a good source of information, and he has a book and a website, both of which are highly recommended and worth exploring: https://www.morethantwo.com/

Polyamory.com is also a good source of information. Along with this board (General Poly Discussions), you should check out Poly Relationships Corner and Life stories and blogs. All three of those boards have tons of good material, and you won't run out of food for thought.

Ultimately, the decision to be or not be poly must be made by you, and be based on your own criteria. As you read and study about polyamory, you'll have opportunity to converse with yourself in your own mind, draw up hypotheticals, and decide what poly means to you. Posting your questions on this forum is also an excellent part of that process.

Hopefully that helps a little?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[PinkPig]

I'm newish to poly, too. Been in a poly relationship with Blue for a bit less than two years now. He's had other gfs and dated other women during that time. We were also in a triad with our ex-gf Snow for about 6 months. Aside from that, I've been on a few dates but nothing significant.

I think there are people who are inherently poly and monogamy just doesn't work for them, no matter how hard they try. As Blue's said to me, he felt like a fish out of water in his past monogamous relationships. They just didn't work for him no matter how hard he tried. It made him feel defective. When he finally gave up trying to be mono and embraced poly, it felt like coming home.

OTOH, for me, it's just a relationship style. It's been good for me... encouraged me to really question why I believe what I believe and to really delve into my insecurities and fears to try and root them out. I won't give poly all the credit... it's a process I'd already started, but the process has been greatly accelerated since I started dating Blue. But, that said, I can be happy in either a mono or poly relationship style. For me, it's more about the relationship(s) I'm in than the style of relationship I'm practicing.

As for trying it out, since you're currently single, I think the easiest route would be to look for other people who are willing to try out an open/poly relationship. Give it a try and see how it fits

 

[Nadya]

1: what do people think about the concept of "being poly" regardless of whether one is currently in a poly relationship or not? I've met people who argue that poly's not an identity, but rather a lifestyle/way of doing things, and others who say you can be innately inclined to polyamory such that—whether you've been in a poly relationship before or not—you can say "I'm poly" even when you're single, because it's like a kind of orientation. I'm guessing one of those views might be a little problematic and the other is closer to the reality, but I'm so new to poly I'm not sure, so I'm asking, in part so I can sort this out with myself, and in part so I can be sure to be respectful about it.

I have had this dilemma in my life. I was actually a virgin and had never been in any relationship at all when I discovered the idea of polyamory. And it resonated with me very strongly. Being free to love and letting other people love as they please - it just made sense to me. So, I decided to only have open relationships ever and was struggling with whether it is right to call myself poly without ever having been in a romantic relationship. With my experience now I can say that all this struggling and anxiety was totally unnecessary. I am definitely polyamorous and thrive in my relationships and the freedom we all have. If you feel so strongly about the idea of polyamory, most likely you are polyamorous yourself. If it feels important to have that label (it definitely was for me!) just take it. It is all yours

2: Very general, but what insight can any of you give into figuring oneself out in regards to poly things, deciding where one stands and what to do next? I know that's vague, but I guess, if any of you remember a time when you might have been confused like I currently am, any insight at all as to how you dealt with and came to terms with that would be lovely.

My advice would be: educate yourself about the variations of polyamorous / non-monogamous relationship models. Read about people's experiences and thoughts and see what resonates with you. Then, when you meet potential partners (either IRL or online) be sure to communicate your ideas to them. I made the mistake that I used only the terms "polyamory" or "open relationship" without discussing what they meant to the other person - and ended up with misunderstandings all the time. Finally have learned to communicate better and am on board with my current partners about the model we want to have.

Most importantly: stay true to yourself! As you have undergone big changes in life (being trans) you might be well prepared to change the relationship model to fit your needs better. Good luck!

 

[Azure]

Hopefully that helps a little?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

That is helpful, yeah. Thank you.
I've actually been to the morethantwo website and read several articles on the site, as well as the FAQ, and information from a few other poly-related sites...I've browsed around here, too, and I know about several of the different types of poly relationships. I've considered getting the more than two book as an ebook, as well...so I have read a fair amount, and talked with a couple poly friends at length. I guess I'm just still feeling very new to things and confused by all the feelings, some of them very strong, I have on the subject. Anyway, I'm still very eager to learn more, so I appreciate all the resources and your insight.

Give it a try and see how it fits

I'm probably going to do that...I did manage to locate a local poly group that meets several times a month within a reasonable distance from where I live, so I'll try to work up the courage to go to some of their meetings (they even have a subgroup for poly or poly-curious people who are also LGBTQ+, which is awesome, so maybe I'll check that out), I just get really bad social anxiety, and I'm not sure how much I'd be able to bring myself to say out loud in a meeting, so I wanted to find an online community first, and this looked like a good one. ^^

I've also heard OkCupid is one of the more poly-friendly (and they also seem very queer-friendly) dating sites out there, so I guess I could try that too for meeting people. We'll see.

Regarding it being a part of one's identity for some people, and a lifestyle choice one could go either way on for other people, that makes sense...looking at it like that, I might be one of the people who's inherently inclined toward polyamory, since I feel pretty strongly about it. Nothing against monogamy in the slightest, but it never quite "fit" me in the way that poly seems to, and it just seems to fit more and more as I'm continuing to discover it.

Most importantly: stay true to yourself! As you have undergone big changes in life (being trans) you might be well prepared to change the relationship model to fit your needs better. Good luck!

Thanks, all of your insight/feedback is quite helpful...and it does feel important to me in a way to claim the label as part of my identity, but I guess I'm just hesitant because I worry about appropriation? Like what if I think I'm poly but then try poly relationships and find out they just don't work for me at all... But I dunno, I'll give it some more thought, and going to that local poly group's meetings could be a good step...

 

[kdt26417]

I'm glad you found that local poly group; that sounds promising.

And OKCupid is usually the most popular dating site for polys. It isn't perfect, but many people swear by it.

 

[IsidoreNabi]

I hate to be a wet blanket, but...

Lately I've taken to describing myself as "poly in-name-only," because, while I've identified myself as poly for the past three years, been active in several local poly groups and attended some poly conferences, I have yet to meet anyone through these activities that I would describe as more than a casual friend. My closest friend in the local poly community is a woman I met through a dating site and introduced to the poly community after learning what her interests were. I thought that by getting out and meeting other self-proclaimed polyamorous people I might meet someone with interests similar to my own, but that hasn't been the case.

 

[kdt26417]

That kind of sucks.

 

[KC43]

I still consider myself polyamorous even though since June, I've only been in a "limbo-friendship" with the guy who used to be my boyfriend, and since this morning we probably aren't even friends.

I agree with Kevin that poly can be either a romantic orientation or a lifestyle choice, or both, depending on the person and the context. For me right now, it's just an orientation, and I don't know whether it'll ever be part of my lifestyle again after the way my first two poly relationships ended... But that doesn't mean I'm not poly, just that I'm not acting on it.

 

[kdt26417]

That's a good example of how polyamory can be defined.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

So my questions are thus:

1: what do people think about the concept of "being poly" regardless of whether one is currently in a poly relationship or not? I've met people who argue that poly's not an identity, but rather a lifestyle/way of doing things, and others who say you can be innately inclined to polyamory such that—whether you've been in a poly relationship before or not—you can say "I'm poly" even when you're single, because it's like a kind of orientation. I'm guessing one of those views might be a little problematic and the other is closer to the reality, but I'm so new to poly I'm not sure, so I'm asking, in part so I can sort this out with myself, and in part so I can be sure to be respectful about it.

2: Very general, but what insight can any of you give into figuring oneself out in regards to poly things, deciding where one stands and what to do next? I know that's vague, but I guess, if any of you remember a time when you might have been confused like I currently am, any insight at all as to how you dealt with and came to terms with that would be lovely.

1. I saw myself as poly before I had plural partners. I felt poly feelings
2. I have wondered about poly because I am not that open to many partners. I thought max 3 but now at 2 I feel polysaturated. I call it Monogamy+, because it is like monogamy only better.