I’m Mono or ENM/primary; he’s poly

AKinDC

New member
Evening everyone:

I’m feeling my way through a fairly new life. In November I was casually dating fairly traditional men, assuming I would become monogamous at some point. In December I started investigating kink after I met a man in that world, who also identifies as poly. Today I’m still dating him, becoming increasingly active in the kink community, and not sure how to proceed on the relationship structure topic.

I’ve been primarily monogamous in my life. Ethics are a bedrock for me. I know that I eventually want to have a life partner, someone who is a primary partner. We may not have to live together. We may not have to be monogamous. I may be open to an open relationship. I can’t imagine letting go of kink that’s connected to sex. I don’t really know more, at least not yet.

The poly man I’m dating, with whom I’m developing an identity as a couple in the kink world, has one other dating relationship thst pre-dates me by about 8 months. She also lives much much closer to him, and apparently she sees him about twice as often as I do. She’s poly. I don’t know yet if she’s actively in the kink community, or how much she’s really integrated into his life with fsmily or friends. He says thst he doesn’t think of any hierarchy between relationships, between his other one and his with me.

I don’t have many other dating connections at this point…really just one. I have just been chatting with him; we haven’t met yet. I don’t have much time for such things; I have a very demanding family life.

I find this all challenging. I am extremely drawn to Poly Guy. We communicate well and thoroughly. The astonishing change in my life over the past few months would never have been possible without him….he supports my development of independent friends, supports my friends, supports our developing friendships wirh other couples. He’s clearly extremely down for our relationship…..he talks about future plans, confides in me, says things like “mutual understanding is what we’re about,” keeps becoming more and more involved in my life. I’m clear that Poly Guy is an essential part of the life path I want going forward, at least for now.

But understanding what’s going on, between kink and poly and my own desire for something different than the structure he already has in place in his life, is so much to work through.

Obviously we need to keep talking. I’m not sure what else to do to keep moving forward, both wirh him and wirh my life. I feel like I’m violating some poly principle by even quietly desiring that his other relationship disappear, or that things shift and I start getting more of her time wirh him. But I definitely do.

Affirm for me that this is complicated? My head is just spinning.
 
This is complicated.

(did that help?)

I get it, at least to a certain extent. I'm also in a long distance relationship which includes kink, and metamours (his other partners), and future plans, and confidences, and support, and so much more besides.

The differences are - I know quite a lot about his other partners including who is or was involved in kink so I'm not trying to work with unknowns (and if I ever have questions I just ask) AND, importantly, I have a primary partner as well - to whom I am married and live with, so I get to have both types of relationships. Yes, it can be done.

It sounds like you are dealing with a bit of jealousy and envy (and here's another link to a post with plenty of other links about jealousy). Honestly, when I have moments of envy, I communicate them with my long distance partner, sometimes cry it out, and we move forward talking about our plans rather than leaving any focus on whatever I'm feeling envious about.

BTW, what else, besides talking with him, have you done to educate yourself about polyamory? Books, podcasts, youtube, etc.?

Also, you're involved with the kink community, right? So do you have other kinksters to talk to about this? Feel free to drop me a PM if there are things you don't want to discuss on the public part of the forum.

From what you've written, I'm guessing there's a butt tonne of NRE (new relationship energy) right now, and I suspect I've got it right if I also include sub frenzy. Put these two together and wowee is your brain not doing the actual thinking right now - overthinking, yes, but quality thinking, no. And that's okay, I know how that is, and it's great fun - but just don't go making any(more) sweeping life changes while you're dealing with these two things, okay?;)

And I get wanting more. Before I met my current partner, I met someone else in my more local kink scene. Golly did I want more with him, but it wasn't to be, and just to top it off, there was someone else he was developing a relationship (including a lot of kink) with at the same time. Jealousy! Envy! All the Things!!!!

And eventually, I met my long distance partner with whom kink has been, and will be, a significant part of our lives. And it coexists very well with my nesting partner (also husband).

It's probably far too soon to know if you'll become life partners with Poly Guy, and if life partners means you'll become nesting partners. It's okay to have these desires, I just recommend letting things unfold a bit more first. NRE lasts from 6 months to 2 years, generally. Give yourself that time to enjoy it.
 
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Thank you! It definitely helped.

I’m actually feeling really grounded on a lot of this in lots of ways. Poly guy feels good, kink feels good. I’m very clear on both of those points. I’m also clear that parts of poly are very uncomfortable for me. I’m also clear thst I’m in a time of life where I simply have limited time and emotional resources. (Empty nester life lies ahead.)

So as I look at this situation, it’s clear that I need to be judicious and wise about how I integrate elements, how I protect myself, how I establish new patterns.

Could I get some sense of how often people find themselves integrating different visions of ENM? Is that….all the time?
 
I'd say that varies from person to person. I'm quite liberal with my ENM and sometimes I reckon that I'm more of a relationship anarchist at heart. I'll get to know people and during that process work out what we will be to each other - anything from a single sexual encounter to satisfy our curiosity, to a full relationship. In between those are the varying forms of friends with benefits. I'm good with any of them, and work at ensuring that my expectations match theirs. Ergo communication is key. Something I'm not interested in is swinging, so I just don't do it.

Other people are completely happy in a configuration that involves just three people, be it a V or ∆. There's such a thing as poly-fidelity (poly-fi) which indicates that there are more than two in the configuration but no-one will date anyone else. Like monogamy but with 3 instead of 2. This should be a personal choice and not an imposed rule. (You could be poly-fi in a larger group of people too, but 3 is the most common.)

I'll see if I can track down a cool graphic I've seen about ENM.
 
Thank you! You’re quite helpful. So given your post above, swinging would be like casual encounters, hooking up?
 
The swinging community is not one I've been involved in so I don't know all the ins and outs. I believe it's very couple-centric, keeps everyone in the room together, and discourages overmuch communication between couples outside of parties. So yes, it's casual, but governed by even more rules than "just hooking up." In saying that, I know some couples "pair off" and end up here asking us about how to effectively manage a quad relationship where they start to spend one-one time as the different pairs i.e. starts as AB and CD but then they want to spend some time as AC and BD - and yet it can feel quite threatening "letting go" of their original coupling, even for a date at a time.
 
That sounds complicated, and like something that would not work well at all for me.

I’d love the ENM graphic.
 
Here's one:

And here's a much simpler one that only covers some things (including cheating, try to avoid that lol)
 
Hello AKinDC,

Wow, that is complicated. You (want to) see yourself as his primary, yet his other relationship pre-dates you by about eight months, which, I know he didn't set it up that way on purpose, but it is kind of unfair to you. And then the fact that she lives much closer to him, and to add insult to injury, that she sees him twice as often as you do ... is not very fitting for you as the primary partner. I know he doesn't see you as a secondary partner, but that is kind of how he (and she) is treating you. Honestly it would be better if she would just go way, but it's not like you could wave a magic wand and make that happen.

There are so many kinds of ENM, it is not at all unlikely for two people to date each other when, for example, one person is oriented toward swing, and the other person is oriented toward poly. Or one person is oriented toward closed poly (polyfidelity), and the other person is oriented toward open poly. We get so much of that around here, especially on this board, we get people with conflicting visions of ENM, and they somehow have to find a way to integrate those differences.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you Kevin. Now I need to pause to go look up open and closed poly…..and, mission accomplished.

Well, I actually think I understand a certain amount of his perspective. It makes sense that his relationship wirh her is in a different place and state than mine; I haven’t quite reached the state of mind myself of him being my primary person. I just know that I want to be on that path generally for my life, and I can also tell that I want to be relating to him in a way that might grow into that. What I don’t want is to be secondary, ever, or to stunt the development of he and I. I also probably shouldn’t have described the situation as that he sees her twice as MUCH. I just know that it’s more frequently. He might actually spend longer time periods wirh me, akin to 22 hours at a time. And I do have a complicated situation with my teenager at home, which impacts my own schedule….I’m really not sure of how all of this works. I know that he and she are both poly, but I have no idea about any of her other partners. I really don’t want to know. I also doubt that there’s much discussion of me between he and this other person, knowing him.

I’m thinking that I should probably focus on how things feel between he and I rather than inserting her and her schedule into it. Another issue is that I’m having trouble with the kink aspects of anything that doesn’t resemble a primary relationship between he and I.

If only I didn’t like him so much….
 
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Well, I'm sure you will be able to work things out eventually. Just keep the channels of communication open between you and him. Everyone is unique, and each person has a slightly different perspective on what poly is and how it works.
 
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