I'm out of my depth.

[ravenelf]

I've realized that I'm absolutely out of my depth. When it comes to meeting new people, I have the social skills of a nervous 12 year old. I'm also in my late 20s, and feel as if there is little hope for me to learn how to be less awkward.
Some backstory for why I'm like this, is that I was raised in an extremely conservative/ religious household growing up, and was heavily sheltered from the world. Then, almost immediately after moving out of my parents house, I entered a relationship that would turn out to be incredibly abusive, and a seven year ordeal. I got out of it almost 2 years ago, and spent a year and a half living once again with my parents. It's only been six months that I've had any true freedom, and I'm discovering that I have absolutely no idea how to navigate relationships.
The reason I'm posting about this here in a poly forum, is that I've identified as poly for years now. Even when I was in an abusive relationship, we had a semi-poly arrangement (it's complicated, but boils down to him wanting multiple women for himself).
I still feel that polyamory is right for me. I've engaged in a few short-term poly online relationships, as well. I do just fine with people online, but I've discovered recently that I have no idea what I'm doing in person.

So, I've met a couple that I'm very attracted to. They seem to like me alright, but I'm very much in the friendzone. I wonder if it's partly to do with how awkward I can be in person. I fear it might come off as discomfort or disinterest. It's neither of those--I just have no idea what I'm doing.
So my question is, how does all this work? What's normal in the early stages of getting to know a potential partner? How do you express interest in a normal way? How do you present yourself authentically? I feel like I'm not accurately showing who I really am. How do you ask someone how they feel about you?
I've read books about polyamory, and feel like I've got a lot of the relationship-side of things down. It's the starting of a relationship that completely mystifies me.

Anyway, please help!

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I'm sorry to hear you were in an abusive relationships. I am glad you are free of that now. It can take time to heal from that even when out of it. Could some of that be at play here?

I think you could start with ending this:

I have the social skills of a nervous 12 year old. I'm also in my late 20s, and feel as if there is little hope for me to learn how to be less awkward.

Stop telling yourself that there is little hope. Why sign up for self limiting beliefs? If (you have skills to learn), that's fine. But there's no need to "double" the load telling yourself (you have skills to learn) and (you will never ever have hope of learning them). Why be your own self bully? You are free of your abuser. You don't need to continue the bullying.

I do just fine with people online

Glad to hear it. Sounds like you DO have the skills.

So online... how do you handle these things?

• What's normal in the early stages of getting to know a potential partner?
• How do you express interest in a normal way?
• How do you present yourself authentically?
• How do you accurately show who you are?
• How do you ask someone how they feel about you?

Since you do ok online... could you ask your potential couple the things above over email or text? Could that make it easier? Considering things "semi-online"?

Galagirl

 

[breathemusic]

Sometimes the best way to become less nervous and awkward is just practice. My partner is shy and especially when out in groups just doesn't talk much and isn't outgoing. He's a huge introvert. BUT, apparently he was much more so years and years ago. But time and experience have made it all easier for him. Go out there and do what feels fun to you, and try not to worry about what other people think. The best way to be authentic is to just do it. Say what you honestly think and feel (with tact) and do what feels natural. Sure, some people might not like you, but no one likes everyone. So if you don't have to worry about pleasing everyone, you can instead just be you.

 

[Tinwen]

So my question is, how does all this work? What's normal in the early stages of getting to know a potential partner? How do you express interest in a normal way? How do you present yourself authentically? I feel like I'm not accurately showing who I really am. How do you ask someone how they feel about you?

The good and bad message at once is, that it IS difficult. There is no right way. I think. (I struggle with social interaction moderatelly as well.) There are ways things are done which are different for every social subgroup.

I think you could talk to people you know (friends, not potential partners) and ask how their relationships started. If those people are willing to tell you just how nervous or confident they were, or perhaps how they learned to date, it could give you a more realistic picture of "how this all works".

In polyamorous relationships... I think you could ask directly. There is even less of "how things are done" rituals, and you need to find out early if they are open to the arrangement you would like to practice anyway.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ravenelf,

I'm like you, I feel like I know what I'm doing when I interact with people online, but offline/IRL, I'm introverted and feel like I'm shooting in the dark. So I can't give you much advice, but, maybe one idea is, get to know people via a dating site (read: OKCupid), then meet them IRL when you know them, and they know you. Let them know ahead of time that you have struggles interacting with people in person. Then they'll know that it's not that you're disinterested in them. Anyway, that's one idea.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.