I'm the 'other woman'

[redpepper]

So, where do I go from here? I want for the three of us to coexist peacefully, more as a team, but I feel threatened and hurt by this. And on the other hand, I feel like he really did stand up for me in asking for her acceptance of me in his life. But what if one day she enforces a veto power over me?
....
Julie said that she was okay with polyamory, until it happened to her. She knew he had fuck friends and that was fine. She said that she believed in and supported polyamory, when it was to her advantage with the guy she was seeing, but now he's gone and Jared is in love with someone else, and she lashes out at me, and not him, for not being totally honest. Now she SAYS she is okay with it. But is she really? I've 'fessed up, with the risk of appearing difficult, about her now-explained attitude towards me. Jared has 'fessed up to being in love with me. Julie is claiming to be okay with it, after a mouthful of lies about me.

How do I handle this in light of her less-than-accepting attitude towards me?

I'm sorry if I repeat what others have said. I haven't read everything yet. But I wanted to catch this.

Metamours don't have to be best friends, but you are right, it does seem to work better if they can work on the same team. A team doesn't have to talk, though. There can be an understanding that you love the same man and have his best interest in your hearts. With this kind of approach, one can make decisions and move forward with consideration for everyone.

It sounds like in this situation you and Jared could act together to do what makes Julie feel more comfortable, without jeopardizing what you have too much. You and he could act as a team in supporting her, instead of you and her acting as a team to support him, at this point in time. I wonder if she would soften a bit when she sees the benefits of a polyamorous relationship in this way. It's really hard for people to grasp on to hate, and their point of view within it, if people do nothing but love them and be kind to them in return; showing that it will be okay and everything is not as it seems.

I hope, with time, Julie comes to that when she sees that Jared is happy and therefore able to support her better. In my polyamorous dynamic, we come together to help each other out. There was one time that my gf Derby's husband fell off his bike and needed help. My bf Mono went to get the bike and we kept it at our place for awhile. We all pitched in to help in various ways over the course of time it took for him to heal. That is what it is all about for us. Its about a bunch of people all coming together as a chosen family. It might not be to others, but that is a choice that some poly people make, and it's been a really good one for me.

I would give this some time. It's all new to Julie, and she is likely frustrated, hurt, feels like her vitality is already taken from her because she is sick, and now she might lose her SO too. You are likely a huge threat. She is in a very vulnerable position, as Jared is her caregiver. Really, I think anyone would be very afraid if they were her.

I would suggest finding as much compassion as you can for her and find ways to lighten the load. In my experience, even if it ends in her convincing him that you are not who you say you are (basically a veto), and he decides to leave you, you can at least come out of this feeling that you did everything possible to make Julie feel as comfortable and supported as you could, and actively showed Jared that you loved him to the best of your ability.

There are other threads on metamours that might help if you look in the search engine under "metamours" or "metamour."

One last thing-- I would stop trying to find times to talk to Julie in private. You are obviously upsetting her and making it really uncomfortable for her in some way.

I did that in my last relationship. I wanted to give my metamour a chance to have it out with me, but all it did was make things worse, and make her eventually decide that I had to be out of her life, as I was driving her crazy. I wish I had known that before, but my bf never told me I was, just that she didn't want to be my friend. I kept saying "I don't want to be her friend either," but misunderstood that that meant she really wanted me out of her life.

You might be the kindest person in the world, but really, sometimes, when someone has decided that a person is irritating, there is nothing to do but back off and do what one can from a distance... in silence.

I would ask him to stop telling you stuff, too. The details are not for you to know. It's between him and her. They need their privacy. You and he need your privacy. When you get your extra day with him (which I would insist on at this point) I think I would agree that you will not talk to her, will not listen to the details about what she says, and get back on track of having a good time together without her around or being the topic of conversation.

 

[newtoday]

Thanks, Redpepper. I just want to do what's best for all involved.

I don't consider myself a threat. I've always been fair and compassionate. It's the nature of who I am. Sometimes I'm too much of a pushover, keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace, regardless of my own needs. (My ex-husband benefits from that the most! lol)

I haven't asked for anything more than a little additional time during the week. That's just a recent request, now that our feelings have developed into something more than casual these past few months. It's hard to have more than casual feelings restricted to a casual time limit.

As you said, I just want to love him, not change him or his circumstances. But I want to be loved and protected/defended fairly in return. That's my only wish and intent here.

Thanks for the pep talk. It's nice to hear support and encouragement for all three of us in this situation.

 

[redpepper]

I understand it's hard. I eventually just decided to let it go and accept what I had with my ex-boyfriend that only wished to see me once a month. I turned to other people and found other situations to invest in as a result. It was sad and didn't make the break-up easier, but I at least wasn't wasting my time. I tried to "fix" the situation, and that is where I failed. I wasn't getting much out of the situation by the end, and apparently neither was he, so shit hit the fan and now we're done. You can read about it in my blog from Jan 2012 until now.

 

[IndieSolo]

Jared has read these threads...

I called it, to him, a journal with feedback.

I am wondering how Jared responded to the parts where you mentioned Julie's passive-aggressive behaviors toward you, and where you said you had seen her flinch when he touched her. Did he comment on either of those points?

I hope he sees that giving you one more day a week wouldn't really take much away from her, seeing as how their relationship has crumbled so. Guilt and obligation are terrible reasons to stay connected to someone.

 

[newtoday]

I'm sorry. I feel that I've portrayed Jared and Julie in a very unfair manner. It's caused a lot of hurt and pain that I can't erase. Words can't express how terrible I feel about that.

Thank you for all your support and thoughts in helping me wade my way through his tough journey.

How do we close the thread? To spare their privacy, I'd rather not discuss this anymore.

 

[redpepper]

Thankfully, no one knows them, newtoday. You haven't used names, and thousands of people from all over the world read here and gain from what you and others write. Take heart that they are still anonymous and so are you. Good luck.

 

[AnnabelMore]

You were being honest and sharing your fears, hopes, and feelings. Is that really so awful?

Like redpepper said, this is all anonymous, everyone's privacy is perfectly intact. For all we know, you could be making up every word of this as part of a novel you're working on. I'm very sorry to hear it's caused hurt, but it always confuses me when people feel guilty for "portraying someone in a bad light" on an online forum like this. It's not like what anyone here thinks can affect the real lives of anyone involved in any way, nor are any of us likely to remember the details of your story in a month or so. (No offense meant at all, but it's a high-traffic board with many similar-sounding stories.)

Why take our perceptions so hard?

 

[Arrowbound]

I guess it just makes things awkward and tense offline. Just unfortunate, because I think it's important they both know how you feel.

 

[newtoday]

Yes, anonymous to the world, but upsetting to them that I had those thoughts.

As I said, it was like a journal, with feedback, no ill intent, just trying to make the best of a confusing situation.

I'm just a normal woman, in a less-than-normal circumstance, with a limited perspective, trying to find my way through a complicated situation, hoping to find clarity in an anonymous, *safe*, environment.

Oh well... lesson learned.

 

[LusciousLemon]

Yes, anonymous to the world, but upsetting to them that I had those thoughts.

As I said, it was like a journal, with feedback, no ill intent, just trying to make the best of a confusing situation.

I'm just a normal woman, in a less-than-normal circumstance, with a limited perspective, trying to find my way through a complicated situation, hoping to find clarity in an anonymous, *safe*, environment.

Oh well... lesson learned.

I've been sort of following this and this actually really upsets/concerns me. It seems that you are now being guilted for having your feelings and reactions. They are the feelings you had; it's not necessarily something you can control. You are trying to find a way to work through them, not only for your benefit, but for the benefit of all. You've already mentioned multiple times that all you want is the best for everyone involved, so the fact that they have issues with your feelings seems to be a concern in and of itself. How is it okay for them to say you shouldn't have the feelings that you have? You should feel comfortable enough to express all of your feelings to Jared (if not to Julie) without having to feel judged for those feelings. If you cannot, then there are other issues.

 

[redpepper]

If they don't like it, then maybe they shouldn't read here. I find it very helpful to write my blog and I know people who know me read it. Sometimes I keep a lid of what my stronger emotions are, but I don't hold back. It's very therapeutic.

I hope your lesson learned wasn't that you should shut up and not seek the support you need. Otherwise, I might find them controlling. Really, I think they need to understand that EVERYONE needs a place to talk. If this was it for you, because you had nowhere else, then I would hope they would find it in their heart to be happy about that. I haven't heard too much that is supportive from their end, really. It all sounds like negative reinforcement in all you do. Where is their compassion? I hope it's just that we haven't heard about that part.

 

[SNeacail]

I've been sort of following this and this actually really upsets/concerns me. It seems that you are now being guilted for having your feelings and reactions. They are the feelings you had, it's not necessarily something you can control. You are trying to find a way to work through them, not only for your benefit but for the benefit of all. You've already mentioned multiple times that all you want is the best for everyone involved, so the fact that they have issues with your feelings seems to be a concern in and of itself. How is it okay for them to say you shouldn't have the feelings that you have? You should feel comfortable enough to express all of your feelings to your partner (if not to his wife) without having to feel judged for those feelings. If you cannot then there are other issues.

This!

 

[newtoday]

You know, nobody likes to hear negative things about themselves and a personal situation. I do feel deep remorse for hurting both Julie and Jared. As you said, and I've said plenty, I just wanted things to work for all of us. And I still believe that it can.

As Jared said, we will all be stronger as a result of this. The great news is that the lines of communication are now fully open between him and me. Things that were previously taboo are no longer, and he encourages me to open up to him for the answers I seek, rather than let them rattle around in my head and come to conclusions (right or wrong). I feel safe in sharing all of my thoughts with him, no more filter.

I just want to move on and live, laugh and love with him.

 

[redpepper]

You know, nobody likes to hear negative things about themselves and a personal situation. I do feel deep remorse for hurting both Julie and Jared. As you said, and I've said plenty, I just wanted things to work for all of us. And I still believe that it can.

As Jared said, we will all be stronger as a result of this. The great news is that the lines of communication are now fully open between him and me. Things that were previously taboo are no longer, and he encourages me to open up to him for the answers I seek, rather than let them rattle around in my head and come to conclusions (right or wrong). I feel safe in sharing all of my thoughts with him, no more filter.

I just want to move on and live, laugh and love with him.

Yay for open communication. Then why feel remorseful? He himself said that you will be stronger as a result. No fail going on here, then. Why not give up on the remorse and feel good about being so open and honest? It suits the whole polyamory thing anyway, ya know?