I'm Worried

G

grayeyes

New member
Currently, I'm a secondary to my new bf. He has a gf. They have been bf gf for a few years.

He and I have been friends for a few years. Last week we went out on a date. We had a great time and our connection is awesome.

He wants me to meet his primary gf. My concern is that it seems like he hasn't been honest with her. He told me he felt bad because he hasn't told primary everything about our date. I asked him if we did something wrong that violated an agreement between them I'd feel just awful.
He said we didn't do anything wrong. We didn't expect to have been so connected so quickly.

Then he said he's madly in love with his gf. I already know. It made me feel bad because is there really room in his heart for both of us? I'm new to this. It's not jealousy. I'm not sure if I could be as loved by him as she is.

He text me today and I kept it short because they are spending the weekend together and I don't want to interfere with their time together.

I'm supposed to be with him tomorrow night but I just don't know what to do. Any advice welcomed.
 
You've had one date. It's a bit too soon to be wondering if he will love you as much as he loves her! It's just a date, not a contract - remember that. Don't get all uptight worrying about the future. Just relax and see how it goes. Who knows, you might go on a second date and realize he's not really as compatible with you as you thought. If you're in your head worrying about all these potential problems, you can't really be present and paying attention to what is happening in front of you.
 
grayeyes said:
is there really room in his heart for both of us?
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The only thing his heart has room for in it is blood :) Love isn't some tangible substance you use to fill up a container. It's a feeling. Generally, a person's ability to connect to another is shown through their connections to those they already have in their life. Does he have a strong commitment to her? To his family? To his close friends? If so, he'll be able to form just as strong an attachment with you.

On the other hand, as Nycindie pointed out, you and he may not click and you may not even WANT that from him. No need to rush the relationship. This isn't a competition between you and her. It's a development between you and him. Take it like any other relationship.
 
Overthinking much?

Just go with the flow. Go out and enjoy your date
 
If you go into the relationship looking for your connection to him to be exactly the same as his connection to her you will spend eternity never feeling satisfied or like the relationship is enough of anything. You are a different person than she is. She has already put in time, sweat, tears, memories and hard work to build the relationship she has with him. You have to do the same and be patient while you do. You also have to remember that just because his love for the two of you will be different it doesn't make you any less than her or her any less than you. Take a deep breath....relax....and just enjoy each moment.
 
Re (from OP):
"I'm supposed to be with him tomorrow night but I just don't know what to do."
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I think you should do whatever your heart wants -- unless he specifically informs you it's off-limits.

Post and let us know how it goes, okay?
 
thanks

I appreciate all of your help. The typical world just wouldn't understand.

We went out last night and he was sweet and good to me. He was so exhausted from their weekend. We watched movies after coming home from meeting up for drinks.

I left early because he was very exhausted.

My whole thought is maybe he does have a big enough heart for polyamory but I will have to wait and see when we spend more time together. I appreciate him trying.

We've been close friends for 3 years and have helped each other a lot so that's why we moved forward to be bf gf. As for the gf in time we'll meet. Who knows what will happen.
 
Sounds like things are going reasonably well so far.
 
A lot has happened in the last few days. I really need to do some soul searching. The guy I've been seeing has text me several times because he wants to be sure I know that his energy was zapped and it wasn't my fault. I'll try hanging out with him one more time. If he's alert and fun and not exhausted I'll keep seeing our relationship through. On the other hand if he's the way he was last time we went out I'll need to stop dating him.

The odd thing is that my ex boyfriend from 16 years ago contacted me while I was with my poly guy. I didn't see the messages until after I left sleepy man early. My ex and I broke up because of the military. That night he contacted me and we talked from midnight to 5am. He's been overseas but now he lives a couple states over. He wants to try again. I was honest about polyamory and he is choosing to be monogamous with me and I will remain vpoly. I'm excited to see him again! Been too long!
 
I think he lied about being poly. Each day my gut feeling is that he lied. I doubt he told his gf about us. I doubt she even knows hes scoping out women behind her back. I havent heard much from him today and tonight i sent a quick good night message. He never responded.
The transparency is what I love about poly relationships. He isnt being clear. He mentions things after the fact.

For now Iḿ going to choose to not be with him. I am going to choose to be with my ex. The only reason we broke up 16 years ago is because he moved over seas. Now he is back and we are both single. I still have the option to be poly but for now Ill invest in my long lost ex.
 
Sometimes you have to trust your instincts. I think that's what you're doing now.

You have to figure your ex came back into your life at this particular time for a reason. I see no reason not to at least investigate that relationship further. See if you don't get a more honest vibe from him.

Good luck and keep us posted.
 
In my opinion, you are doing exactly as you should be. You are exploring your relationship with him while ensuring you are respecting their primary relationship.

I think your feelings are based on insecurity. Jealousy can develop from insecurity so be careful. I've definitely been there. But just be honest about your feelings with him and let things develop as they need to.
 
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