In a relationship with married poly man who’s going through a separation

[Ckay]

Hello,

I would just like some advice in regards to my situation. I have been in a relationship with my poly partner for 1yr 8m. Our connection with each other is like no other. It goes beyond sexual. We are definitely In love. When I met him I was in an open relationship and my poly partner was the first person I was open to meeting up. He did explain what polyamorous was and stated his wife and he had been poly for 7 yrs. I was open to see what would happen and we continued to date. Although, to be honest, I didn’t really know what would come of it.

After a while, I eventually broke up with my partner because I was unhappy with our relationship. I continued to see my poly bf and things began to get more serious. His wife eventually asked to see me but I wasn’t comfortable, and now I regret not doing so. My poly bf respected my decision and didn’t push for it to happen. At one point I said it would be fine if we met but it never happened.

His wife then questioned him about the treatment he was giving me and started to also question our relationship. I don’t know exactly what transpired in their relationship, but I eventually found out that they weren’t in a great place in their relationship to begin with.

My relationship with him became exclusive and more of a monogamous relationship. For us,it felt right at the time and we were happy. But little by little his wife came to dislike me because of the changes she saw in him. On the other hand, our relationship evolved and grew. I provided a safe place for him to talk and be himself and he did the same for me.

At one point, I did see his wife in person, because he had an event and we both wanted to be there for him. It was then when things just went south. His wife and I did not speak to each other. I did want to approach her, but as soon a she saw me she walked away and gave the impression that she did not want to be talked to. Keep in mind she was aware I would be there. (I knew it was uncomfortable for all of us, but for me it just set the tone.)

At the end of it all, she was upset about the relationship we had and admitted she was jealous and that she could see that we loved each other. She did ask him for a divorce. (This was the second time she had asked him for a divorce while being with me.)

Things have escalated since then and he has found his voice to tell her that he isn’t happy in the relationship. among other things. He is seeking therapy, but his wife has pressured him into leaving me and kicking him out of their home, because he continues to see me. (Keep in mind she is poly and is seeing 2 other people)

I have continued to see him and have also given him space. I know he is a work in progress. He is not perfect and I know he could have done things differently. I just hate that it seems that his wife isn’t taking some accountability for her actions and blaming everything on him. She has done things to sabotage our relationship, but we have remained together and have communicated through it all.

I do want to say I have never disrespected his wife, nor has my bf ever been disrespectful towards her while in my presence. If so, I would have said something/questioned him.

All in all, this has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I know they both have things to work through and he is seeking help. I am not swaying him any which way. For me, the most important things are his physical, mental and emotional health. It is all taking a toll on him because he does love his wife, but he also loves me. I have talked to him about giving him space and what that means. But we still want to communicate with each other. I would give him the time he needs, but all this has not been easy. I don’t know how much more fight I have in me. I do question if I should leave, but I’m invested and I do love him. I'm not saying love will solve everything, but I do want to continue doing life with this man. He's def worth it to me!

Side note: we are still together, but not seeing each other like before. Things are getting worse with his wife, to where I am concerned about him.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Ckay,

To me it sounds like this guy and his wife need to get a divorce. For both their sakes. If she won't divorce him, then he should divorce her. Of course, you are not the boss of him, you can suggest divorce to him, but you can't force him to do it. For now I guess my advice is to continue to give him some space, and just take your own temperature from time to time to see if you have had enough. You do have the freedom to break up with him, if his wife's behavior gets to be too much for you. But that is one of the reasons why I would suggest a divorce. His wife is not behaving well, and her behavior is affecting you.

I hope he can get this figured out.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening.

Continue as you are, stepping back from it and letting him sort out his marriage.

The wife tried to date you and insert herself like that, then when that didn't pan out, tried to sabotage, asked for divorce twice, but then did not actually file for divorce. Blamed everything on him. Pressured him to dump you. Kicked him out of the house because he kept seeing you.

I could be wrong, but she sounds like a "Queen Bee" type who wants to be at the center of everything and call all the shots. She's mad her husband has a separate relationship with you that he's happy in, even though she herself has other relationships. She's just having herself a big ol' weird tantrum.

It's not your deal to sort out. Encourage him to talk to a therapist, a professional. Encourage him to live on his own for a year's lease, since she kicked him out, so he can at least be in a stable home and not have to couch surf with friends, up and down, depending on her moods and whether or not she lets him back in.

If this area, his marriage, is up and down, try to keep his other areas calm and stable-- his flat, his work, his eating, exercise, time with his family and friends, hobbies, counselor appointments, and regular time with you (even if less often right now, because he needs to make room for counseling).

You can be calm and stable. Hold space for him without inserting yourself or taking on any of his responsibilities. This is not your deal. This is not your responsibility to fix or solve. Be firm on that.

But if he needs time/space away from it, reasonable breaks, you can help with that. Take a walk in the park. Talk about calm things. Have a nice lunch.

YOU are not his free therapist. But you can encourage him to see his counselor and tell him you are proud of him for dealing with this appropriately, with a professional, one thing at a time.

And if you need extra support for yourself, you can quietly get your own counselor. One comforts in and kvetches out. If he's the one in the center that you are holding space for, don't kvetch at him. You are not in the center ring, but you ARE in this poly system. This affects you somewhat, since you're dating him. But don't kvetch at him, get YOUR support from rings further out. A counselor for you, friends, venting anonymously here, etc. Appropriate venting with appropriate people.

That's my suggestion.

Galagirl