In the beginning…

[Maple]

So, not my first rodeo but I have chosen monogamy for my last two relationships.
Sadly one ended because we just weren’t a good match.
The current one involves someone totally foreign to poly relationships.
The details aren’t important but she cheated. Now, before we get to the “it’ll never work” I’d like to explain that when we first met I talked to her about my past poly relationships.
Told her it was something I could and would help her explore if she ever “needed” someone else.
But the concept is so foreign and societal rules so ingrained, that she could not come to me first.
So, here we are, having deep conversations about what her need might be. Wether this is something she wants to “try on”. It’s hard for her to open up but she’s really doing great.
She had one night after I found out with which she had my blessing to see her friend and “whatever happens naturally just enjoy it”.
She came away relatively sure it’s not what she wants.
Further probing I have discovered that it’s not what she wants me to do. But that, while she can’t put her finger on why, she wants to keep her friend. They’ve been friends for years. The physicality is allegedly new.
Her head is spinning and everything about this “feels weird” to her.
I am encouraging her to search her feelings and talk with me. I assure her that we can figure it out.
Am I nuts? Or is my compersion really enough to see us through?

 

[Albert Ross]

Am I nuts? Or is my compersion really enough to see us through?

My question would be, see you through to what? What sort of relationship are you hoping to ultimately have with (I'm going to call your partner "Aspen", because it's easier to refer to all the people involved by names ) Aspen?

It sounds like you have experience with non-monogamy and Aspen does not. She cheated on you with her long-time friend (who I will call) Birch. That's a situation one hears about a lot in this space, where a person who only knows monogamy doesn't really see any other choices, when feelings for a second appear, other than "cheat" or "suppress feelings".

Whereas you, who's familiar with polyamory, see another way: "Aspen, go ahead and explore a relationship with Birch, but do it with my knowledge and consent."

It sounds like that's what's happening now: Aspen is exploring things with Birch, and has a lot of feelings about it. No doubt! Not only is her relationship with her longtime friend changing, but she's working in a relationship structure that (from the sound of it) is totally new and destabilizing to her. So,

Her head is spinning and everything about this “feels weird” to her.

I'm not surprised! It's very natural that all of this would be difficult for Aspen. That's ok.

But Aspen isn't here making a post, you are. So what do you want? What are you hoping the outcome will be?

You and Aspen in a monogamous relationship with each other?

You and Aspen in a mono-polyamorous relationship where she is free to explore other relationships but you remain monogamous to her (it sounds like Aspen would not be comfortable with you having other partners... is that acceptable to you)?

Both of you polyamorous, with the potential for multiple partners in the future?

You're asking "Am I nuts?" Well, no, probably not. You're just trying to figure out if you can have the relationship you want with Aspen while she figures things out with Birch!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello fkarl,

I do not think you are nuts. I'm pretty sure your compersion is enough to see you through. You just need to talk to her about polyamory, and be patient as she slowly develops an understanding. It is not "wrong" or "weird" of her to enjoy her other relationship -- and for similar reasons, it's not wrong or weird for you to also enjoy other relationships. She just needs time to wrap her head around this concept.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[SlowPoly]

Am I nuts? Or is my compersion really enough to see us through?

I think a calm, curious, loving approach will see you through, and I think the possible outcomes include you and Aspen staying together in monogamy, you and Aspen staying together in mono/poly (assuming you would want that), you and Aspen staying together with poly for both, and you and Aspen discovering you aren’t compatible for relationship shape or other reasons. There are other possible outcomes, of course.

I firmly believe the more accepting you are of any of these, the more likely you both are to come out of this better off and better for each other (together, in memory, or somewhere else on the human relations spectrum).

It’s okay to want what you want. It’s okay to have boundaries. It’s okay to break up.

If you keep on with learning, and Aspen puts as much into the project as you do, I kinda think you can’t fail! You can’t control what Aspen does, though, so make sure you don’t think you have to carry this. Make sure you consider all of your options, separate from the “save/fix/rebuild” the relationship ones.

I’m rooting for you!

 

[Maple]

U

My question would be, see you through to what? What sort of relationship are you hoping to ultimately have with (I'm going to call your partner "Aspen", because it's easier to refer to all the people involved by names ) Aspen?

It sounds like you have experience with non-monogamy and Aspen does not. She cheated on you with her long-time friend (who I will call) Birch. That's a situation one hears about a lot in this space, where a person who only knows monogamy doesn't really see any other choices, when feelings for a second appear, other than "cheat" or "suppress feelings".

Whereas you, who's familiar with polyamory, see another way: "Aspen, go ahead and explore a relationship with Birch, but do it with my knowledge and consent."

It sounds like that's what's happening now: Aspen is exploring things with Birch, and has a lot of feelings about it. No doubt! Not only is her relationship with her longtime friend changing, but she's working in a relationship structure that (from the sound of it) is totally new and destabilizing to her. So,

I'm not surprised! It's very natural that all of this would be difficult for Aspen. That's ok.

But Aspen isn't here making a post, you are. So what do you want? What are you hoping the outcome will be?

You and Aspen in a monogamous relationship with each other?

You and Aspen in a mono-polyamorous relationship where she is free to explore other relationships but you remain monogamous to her (it sounds like Aspen would not be comfortable with you having other partners... is that acceptable to you)?

Both of you polyamorous, with the potential for multiple partners in the future?

You're asking "Am I nuts?" Well, no, probably not. You're just trying to figure out if you can have the relationship you want with Aspen while she figures things out with Birch!

Ultomately?
I would like a much higher level of honest, open communication. I would like for both Aspen and I to have the ability to love each other fully. To care for each other in such a way that if other relationships foster growth and happiness, we make room for them. I think Aspen has struggled her entire life with asking for the love she wants. Then I come along and I’m so far and away different than anyone e she’s ever known that it’s been really overwhelming for her. But three years in there’s no question of our love and devotion to each other. Just this new wrinkle that I’m happy to work through and help her sort out. It’s weird, even to me, that I’m feeling so much NRE but she’s the one with the new relationship. And to be honest, it’s a long time friend, just the benefits part is new to her.
Ideally? I’d like to keep loving each other in ways that foster growth but has a couple and as individuals. If safe, sane, honest “others” help that process? Then I think we should allow for that. Both of us. I’m patient, she’s learning. I think we are headed in the right direction. I feel like our relationship is “new” because of this shift. Maybe that’s the NRE I’m feeling?
Idk. I’m not lost really, just helps to process here with others that have experience.

 

[SlowPoly]

... I feel like our relationship is “new” because of this shift. Maybe that’s the NRE I’m feeling?

We hear it a lot around here: moving from monogamy to [any kind of] non-monogamy is and ending of the old relationship and beginning of a new one. So why not NRE all over again?