Insecurities

E

ElMango

Member
I think a lot of people have various insecurities that are brought to the surface through polyamourous relationships; just due to the fact is challenges us to grow in ways not expected in monogamy.

I was wondering what other people were/are insecure about? How they are dealing/delt with, those insecurities? I'm hoping this is more of a crowd-sourcing advice as opposed to one specific persons situation.

1. The first one is, when talking with any poly person, the assumption that I haven't learned from past mistakes or situations will be held against me and poly and my abilities with it will be deemed 'not good enough'.

2. The second one is that I will end up not being 'enough' for a partner. Not to much in terms of staying together forever; as that is an ideal but ultimately not a guarantee. But, more so in the "I will stop being a source of happiness and do something that will hurt them in an unforgivable way and not even friendship will be salvageable."

How I'm dealing with the first one is to partially give less fucks about peoples opinions when they're determined to misunderstand you; both in romantic and platonic situations, and to be much clearer in my explanations of situations.

With the second one, I'm working on trying to not attempt to control the future; since worrying about the worst case scenario just means if it happens I'll live through it effectively twice, and to stop listening to that internal voice that is determined to be unhelpful and mean and when it does kick in, rephrasing it in those terms.
 
Hi El,

I have a generalized condition of anxiety and light depression, they are with me all the time like a dull roar. I am mostly used to that, but then there are days when it gets extra bad. I deal with it in part by examining my situation to see if there is something actually happening that one would expect would be the cause of anxiety/depression. If not, then I know it's just an internal thing that I have to ride out. I know I've ridden it out many times in the past, so I can be confident I'll be able to ride it out again.

The other problem I have is that I beat myself up over every little mistake I make. This is not a condition I can just snap my fingers and make it go away, it is deeply rooted from childhood and is now a defect in the way my brain works. There are a couple of ways I can deal with it. One is I can remind myself, "Will this matter to me a week from now?" Another thing is I can note, "If my goal is to make less mistakes in the future, I know that beating myself up only makes it harder for me to accomplish that goal."

These are not perfect coping mechanisms, they don't make my problems go away. But they help take some of the edge off of my insecurities. As for poly, in the past I have feared that maybe I was a secondary partner, and would be disposable. To be honest, the best way of dealing with that was time and experience. My companions showed me, over time through their actions, that I was a primary partner, and not disposable. That was a solution specific to me and my situation. It might not apply so much to others' situations.

Anyway those are some thoughts.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Most of my insecurities are alleviated by being polyamorous. Any feelings of inadequacy I've had have been mostly conquered by the thought that my partners (and other people I love) choose to be with me and include me in their lives despite having other people that fulfil a similar (or even bigger) role.
 
Kevin,

As for poly, in the past I have feared that maybe I was a secondary partner, and would be disposable.
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I feel like this is a really well worded statement that accurately describes the emotions a lot of poly people have; and that sometimes are hard to form into their own words.
Even if there is no "primary" and "secondary", I think somethings being one of others can spark that fear of being replaced; especially if it links to childhood traumas or mental health issues.

SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Most of my insecurities are alleviated by being polyamorous. Any feelings of inadequacy I've had have been mostly conquered by the thought that my partners (and other people I love) choose to be with me and include me in their lives despite having other people that fulfil a similar (or even bigger) role.
Click to expand...

What about the ones that aren't alleviated by polyamory? Do they still affect you? How do you deal with them?
 
The worry is always there even for the most hardened of open minded and self confessed amazing lovers, but then the worry is also always there in monogamous relationships with regards to cheating. There will always, always be someone better at something... and no one is absolute perfect. Everyone has flaws, everyone.

Fear of "not being enough" for your partner, that can happen in any relationship sooner or later. With that in mind then where poly and open relationships are beneficial is that cheating becomes "much less" of a concern.

You just have to be of the mindset that the worst case scenario could happen at any time, regardless of any situation. As is with everything in life.
 
Poly doesn't always alleviate concerns. When I met my wife she was in an open relationship. I was fine with that. It turned out she was looking to replace him due to his drug use. When we escalated she decided she wanted us to be monogamous. Naturally, when we decided to be open again I had some concerns. It took awhile to get over those. Basically, I had the attitude if it happens, it happens.

Fast forward to the last woman I dated. She was mono but we talked about poly. She was against it. She asked me, rather incredulously, if I wouldn't have a problem with her being with other guys. Of course I would, because she is mono...lol. I knew I couldn't trust her to suddenly turn poly.

But the way I deal with my insecurities is to get as close to giving zero fucks as I can get.
 
For me, developing a poly philosophy pretty much eliminated my insecurities relating to dating/sex/relationships. The idea that I'm not supposed to be enough for my partner(s)--and he's not enough for me!--was a radical shift that, for me, felt like it unlocked the secret of happiness and security.

For people who are monogamously oriented, or prefer monogamy or choose it or whatever, trying poly relationships can create dreadful insecurities where there weren't any before. So I don't think poly is a magic thing that makes everyone happy and secure, of course. It's very individual.

I am very puzzled by people who are happily choosing poly, yet have insecurities that limit their relationships and they are unable to get over them even after years and years. My partner used to date someone who often would choose not to have sex with him because her husband was "feeling too insecure" even though he also had another long-term partner of his own, who in fact lived in the other half of a duplex with them (so, very stable and loving). She and my partner tried to date again several years later, but it was the same deal--her husband (who still had his other partner) couldn't handle it due to expressly sexual insecurities. I have never been sure what was up with that, but it did not sound fun.

Traditional, "unexamined" monogamy seems to have a lot of built-in expectations of insecurity. Like, you are supposed to feel insecure about your partner's exes unless they cut them out of their life. And I have a monogamous ex who treated relationships essentially like a band-aid for his insecurities--he had low self-esteem, poor body image, major insecurities about his masculinity (along with unexamined views on masculinity), sexual insecurities along with a lack of knowledge about the diversity of sexuality--and he just wanted a "real girlfriend" to make him feel better about himself and "fix" all these problems. And it had to be someone who wanted exclusivity and "commitment" right away, otherwise he would feel like it wasn't a "real relationship." (He is now the third husband of a woman he married after knowing her 6 months--apparently the relationship works fine for both of them).

Of my monogamous friends who are shocked by the idea of polyamory, they site "But aren't you insecure?" as their main concern. I guess I am supposed to be worried that my partner will find someone hotter/better than me. LOL, he has, more than once, and he still likes me for me!

Of course, if I hadn't met such an awesome partner who turned out to be so compatible with me, it's possible I would still have the insecurities I had when I was younger, despite my poly philosophy. Specifically, that I am unlikable, or too weird to be compatible with anyone. These ideas do sometimes crop up when I try to date other people...but the fun thing about non-monogamous dating is, it's just about the only way to date WHILE ALSO having someone who provides you with positive romantic/sexual feedback.

My major non-dating-related insecurity is about my writing career (or lack thereof). Once my partner dated someone who had gone to the same very small, very specific writing workshop I'd gone to...and that brought up a lot of insecurities. I wanted to ask him not to date her...but then I sucked it up and owned my own shit. It's not his (or her) problem if I feel bad about my writing...in fact, being solo poly gives me more time to work on my writing career because I have more alone time than if I had a live-in monogamous partner. So, all is good.
 
MeeraReed said:
For me, developing a poly philosophy pretty much eliminated my insecurities relating to dating/sex/relationships. The idea that I'm not supposed to be enough for my partner(s)--and he's not enough for me!--was a radical shift that, for me, felt like it unlocked the secret of happiness and security.

For people who are monogamously oriented, or prefer monogamy or choose it or whatever, trying poly relationships can create dreadful insecurities where there weren't any before. So I don't think poly is a magic thing that makes everyone happy and secure, of course. It's very individual.

I am very puzzled by people who are happily choosing poly, yet have insecurities that limit their relationships and they are unable to get over them even after years and years. My partner used to date someone who often would choose not to have sex with him because her husband was "feeling too insecure" even though he also had another long-term partner of his own, who in fact lived in the other half of a duplex with them (so, very stable and loving). She and my partner tried to date again several years later, but it was the same deal--her husband (who still had his other partner) couldn't handle it due to expressly sexual insecurities. I have never been sure what was up with that, but it did not sound fun.

Traditional, "unexamined" monogamy seems to have a lot of built-in expectations of insecurity. Like, you are supposed to feel insecure about your partner's exes unless they cut them out of their life. And I have a monogamous ex who treated relationships essentially like a band-aid for his insecurities--he had low self-esteem, poor body image, major insecurities about his masculinity (along with unexamined views on masculinity), sexual insecurities along with a lack of knowledge about the diversity of sexuality--and he just wanted a "real girlfriend" to make him feel better about himself and "fix" all these problems. And it had to be someone who wanted exclusivity and "commitment" right away, otherwise he would feel like it wasn't a "real relationship." (He is now the third husband of a woman he married after knowing her 6 months--apparently the relationship works fine for both of them).

Of my monogamous friends who are shocked by the idea of polyamory, they site "But aren't you insecure?" as their main concern. I guess I am supposed to be worried that my partner will find someone hotter/better than me. LOL, he has, more than once, and he still likes me for me!

Of course, if I hadn't met such an awesome partner who turned out to be so compatible with me, it's possible I would still have the insecurities I had when I was younger, despite my poly philosophy. Specifically, that I am unlikable, or too weird to be compatible with anyone. These ideas do sometimes crop up when I try to date other people...but the fun thing about non-monogamous dating is, it's just about the only way to date WHILE ALSO having someone who provides you with positive romantic/sexual feedback.

My major non-dating-related insecurity is about my writing career (or lack thereof). Once my partner dated someone who had gone to the same very small, very specific writing workshop I'd gone to...and that brought up a lot of insecurities. I wanted to ask him not to date her...but then I sucked it up and owned my own shit. It's not his (or her) problem if I feel bad about my writing...in fact, being solo poly gives me more time to work on my writing career because I have more alone time than if I had a live-in monogamous partner. So, all is good.
Click to expand...

I could have written this myself. Well. Most of it. I have a nesting partner. Most of the time.
 
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