Insight on a situation needed please.

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bluem00n13

New member
Hi everyone! Thank you very much for taking the time out of your day to read about a little issue I'm having in my relationship. I will try my best to give you the shorter version of this story instead of a huge wall of text.

My husband has met another girl he is very interested in developing a poly relationship with. She is going through an extremely difficult and emotional time in her life...a divorce with a very spiteful individual who is causing all kinds of turmoil in her life including a bit of a custody battle.

At first we both were dating her. Then my husband and I hit a bit of a road hump in our own relationship with each other and decided to split up for a couple weeks. (we are new to poly and were not fully communicating with each other or allowing ourselves time away from her with just us.) We are back together now and everything between us is awesome now. When we were split up, she told my husband she didn't want to be in a poly relationship. He has told her I'm back at home but hasn't told her we are back together.

He says that because of her emotional state and what she's having to go through, he doesn't want to tell her because it will cause more stress in her life and might hurt her. I personally think that not telling her could be detrimental to their relationship in the long run causing her to think it's just going to be the two of them when it's actually not the case.

So my question is, should he tell her everything that's going on or wait until things in her life start to settle down a bit? I don't want to hurt anyone, but I feel that keeping our relationship a secret from her will end up really messing things up later down the road.


Again, thanks for taking the time to read this. Any input is greatly appreciated!
 
bluem00n13 said:
So my question is, should he tell her everything that's going on or wait until things in her life start to settle down a bit? I don't want to hurt anyone, but I feel that keeping our relationship a secret from her will end up really messing things up later down the road.
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Here's the problem with the whole "I don't want to tell her the truth because it will hurt her". It assumes that she is child and that he knows what is best for her. This is not the way adults who respect each other behave. Of course he should tell her... his other option is to lie to her? What kind of alternative is that?

As far as what YOU should do about it?

1. If you consider it your business then get involved and tell the truth.
2. If it isn't your business then mind your own business.
3. If it isn't your business but you are fearful it will blowback on you then adjust your situation to the degree you need to in order to feel like you are not in harms way.​
I'm doing the numbered list more these days, maybe it is becoming my schtick. I've always wanted a schtick, mainly because I want an excuse to say that word frequently.
 
I would say while your husband may believe his words, I have to wonder if part of his reticence is fear of losing her. That said, she needs to have all the information and make the choices that are right for her.

And yes, if he fails to tell her - especially given her stated preference for monogamy - she may view it as deceitfulness on his part. She may view it as him cheating on her with you.
 
You know he has 2 partners.
He knows he has 2 partners.
She doesn't know? Neither ONE of you makes her aware singly? And you don't BOTH make her aware as a couple?

That's not polyshipping with open and honest communication across all tiers then. That's keeping one player in the dark about the things that concern them. It is a lie of omission. It is less than loving/kind behavior toward a supposed loved one.

So I don't buy the reason of "I don't want to tell her because it might hurt her." Not telling her also might hurt her -- just in a different way. So if both might hurt... which one shows respect toward her then? Informing her or keeping her in the dark?

He seems like really doesn't want to tell because he doesn't want her to break up with him. So he's shirking doing the open, honest thing here.

So what's your excuse for failing to tell your metamour information that could concern her?

Wife being back in the picture is pretty major news. I think it would concern her to know that.

Galagirl
 
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She has plainly said she does NOT want to be in a poly relationship. So he isn't telling her you two are back together. This is deceitful and wrong period.

Looks to me someone wants his cake and eat it too.
 
OP, do you mean she doesn't want to be in a "poly" relationship at ALL, or she just doesn't want to be in a triad? In other words, she wants to be with him but doesn't want to do the three-of-you-together/separately thing? Please clarify because it make a difference when it comes to people trying to give you useful advice.
 
He needs to tell her RIGHT NOW. It's highly unethical to let someone think they're in a monogamous relationship when they're not. It's called cheating and lying and makes it extremely hard to have a positive relationship in the long term because it wrecks trust. And not just hers for him... the next time he assures you things are one way when they seem like they might be another, you'll remember how easily he lied to her "for her own good" and you won't know whether to believe him. Honest is everything. She's an adult, yeah she's stressed, we're all stressed, that doesn't change the fact that she deserves the truth. How is that not obvious???
 
For her own good? Excuse me for saying this at this early hour, but that is straight bullshit. It is a cowardice approach from your DH. She is stressed? So what? Welcome to adulthood. You speak about her stress and how it will make her feel, but how does it make YOU feel knowing that this woman does not know the full extent of your relationship with him? It is like you are the secret affair, and you are his wife. And you are okay with that?

It is a bigger issue than him lying and pulling a cowardly stunt. He is being deceptive and disrespecting her stated wishes. She told him she did not want to be in a poly relationship, so he elects to continue lying to her and hurting her more than the truth ever could? What does he tell her when he is with you? "I was working late?" He is cheating on his girlfriend with his wife. That sounds crazy as hell. If I were you, I would tell her. Why? You are an accomplice in his farce of a mono relationship with her. How would he explain it if the two of you were out on a date, being affectionate,, and she saw you together and walked up to speak? It has heartbreak written all over it.

Might I suggest he take some time, step back, and learn what ethical poly is and is not. What he is doing, is not.
 
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She doesn't want to be poly what so ever. She thought she did at first, but when we had our falling out, she decided against it. Now she just wants to date my husband and have me out of the picture.
 
There is a name for women like that. They are called "cowgirls."
 
Honest communication means being honest. If she is being lied to-that is bullshit.
Lying by omission is still LYING.

And

"don't fuck fragile"
Can't recall where I first encountered that phrase. Bu it sure fits. Someone in crisis is NOT an appropriate person to pursue a relationship with. They need support and tlc. They do not need a new boyfriend or child or other life changing stressor and CERTAINLY not with a liar.
 
She doesn't want to be poly what so ever. She thought she did at first, but when we had our falling out, she decided against it. Now she just wants to date my husband and have me out of the picture.
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So a limit has been reached and he knows it and so do you. SHE doesn't know it.

Choosing "lie to her and be with both" is unethical and less than loving behavior on his part.

It is not loving kindness toward her, and it is not loving kindness toward YOU either. Putting you in this UGH space and making you his lie accomplice. If he were doing loving kindness toward you he wouldn't put you in this position to begin with. :(

I don't think you are bad people, but c'mon. Saddle up and play ethics ball here. Do the job in front of you. Be respectful toward the woman and come clean. You can handle this. You can learn how.

You could request he tell her by the end of the week. If he needs help to tell you could offer to tell together. In person, write a letter, phone, whatever. But tell.

If he refuses to tell AT ALL? That is a NEW layer of problem, but the OLD problem is still not resolved. Could resolve the old problem before moving on to deal with the new problem.

OLD PROBLEM: She is not aware you are back in the picture.

You could make her aware yourself. YOU could choose to be ethical in your own dealings.

If you being honest in your dealings outs him as less than honest in his dealings.... well, we are free to choose. We are not free of the consequences of our choices.

You going along with it? Makes you his accomplice. That's not fun for you. Otherwise you wouldn't be posting in the first place. Come clean to the GF and then let it be what it is.​

NEW PROBLEM: He wusses out when the going gets tough.

Determine if he's trustworthy to be with in polyship with or not.
Determine if he's trustworthy to be with in monoship or not.
Determine if he's lacking in character. Or lacking in skills. Or if you are needing more skills too.

Maybe this experience reveals that while both are willing to polyship, both are not yet ABLE to because of lack of skills -- like dealing with disappointments.

Behaving this way for fear of feeling "yucky feelings" or other people feeling yucky feelings is emotionally immature. Could do the work to get better processing hard feelings when facing ethics problems if you plan to keep on polyshipping in an open/honest way.​

Some feelings are yummy to feel, some feelings are yucky to feel. And if he / you find that you cannot hack the risk of feeling intense emotions in relationshipping with several people at this time, could relationship with less players then. Crank down the intensity and not have to deal at that loud a volume right now. Don't bite off more than you can chew.

Could spend the time cultivating the skills required so the next attempt is executed better if you choose to continue trying to polyship in open/honest way.

(If you want to fly wonky... that's up to you too.)

Hang in there,
Galagirl
 
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LovingRadiance said:
And

"don't fuck fragile"
Can't recall where I first encountered that phrase. Bu it sure fits. Someone in crisis is NOT an appropriate person to pursue a relationship with. They need support and tlc. They do not need a new boyfriend or child or other life changing stressor and CERTAINLY not with a liar.
Click to expand...

That's my phrase and LR is right it certainly applies. Tell her the truth and let her be an adult and decide what she wants with all the facts.

I am curious why you tolerate this deception by your husband? Why this is even a question for you? Is your marriage that fragile? If it is, close it and figure stuff out between the two of you first.
 
FullofLove1052 said:
There is a name for women like that. They are called "cowgirls."
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How is she a cowgirl if she's stated up front that she doesn't want a poly relationship and she was told that the guy is only seeing her? Wanting to keep the situation you think you have as is, is not the same as trying to break up someone else's situation.

Cowgirl/cowboy...is there an equivalent term for poly people who continue to play with someone's feelings knowing darn well she doesn't want a poly relationship?
 
I don't think cowgirl applies.

A cowgirl is someone who KNOWINGLY tries to take a man from someone else while pretending to be ok with an open dynamic.
She isn't pretending. She was upfront.
HE is lying to her.
He's being a dickhead.
 
Personally, I really hate when someone I'm involved with feels that over-protective of me, to the point where he makes decisions about what communications he thinks I can or cannot handle. I will be the one to decide what I can handle, thank you very much! Being coddled when I didn't ask for it is so condescending. Lay the truth on me, baby!

In other words, he needs to be truthful and direct with her ASAP. She's a grown-up, don't take away her agency.
 
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