Insight on situation

Kitten_Jo

New member
Hey there,

My husband and I have been ENM for three years, this has consisted of threesomes; both MMF & FFM. The last year or so I have been dating women separately but they have all been extremely casual. In August, I took some acid alone and had a very honest trip, I knew that I had to tell Dillon that I wanted to fully open our relationship, regardless of gender and wanted to be able to explore more in depth relationships.

Looking back I realize I have been interested in the poly lifestyle since high-school but being born and raised in OK was only exposed to the heteronormative monogamous type of relationship. I identified as bisexual for most of my life but have recently been researching/discussing with my therapist and feel I fit in more of a pan-Demi sexual spectrum (recognizing that these are both different sexualities).

When I approached my husband with this request, he was extremely distraught and instantly had a panic attack. The idea of me in a relationship with another male-identifying human scares the shit out of him. It’s funny to me bc I’ve been dating women for a while and he’s never had this reaction. I went on my first solo date with a man last Sunday and upon my return he was very upset and angry. Although we had discussed previously to the date what was “allowed and not allowed” with a very broad contract, he felt I had overstepped the agreement. We’ve been in couples therapy since August and I have BEGGED him to do research about the lifestyle. I have done lots individual reading and discussion about the subject and feel comfortable using terminology and feel that I am a clear and affective communicator (disclaimer that I am human and make mistakes constantly). We came to a decent compromise that evening but I felt disheartened. My close friends and sisters (and maybe my individual therapist) think that Dillon is monogamous and is only “trying” this for me. I have expressed to him that our relationship will fail regardless if he tries being open bc at the end of the day if he does not identify with being poly, he will not like what is going on within our marriage.

I have been told some relationships are open on one side and closed in another and am wondering if it works? I am a patient person but I also don’t like to waste time and energy, this relationship is so incredibly valuable to me and I very much want it to work but am also being aware that life has its own way of working out the kinks and am trying to be open to where it takes me. I am on a journey of self discovery and trying to obtain my true authenticity as I have always lived for others, being a people pleaser.

Any shared stories or experiences are welcomed.
 
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Hello Kitten_Jo,

From what you've said so far, I gather that your husband is staunchly opposed to you dating other men, even if he has (sometimes) claimed to be okay with it. If you are going to remain married to him, I think you are going to have to conclude that you are okay with not dating other men. Do things your husband's way for a while, and see how that sits with you. Eventually, if you want to stay married to him, but also don't like doing things his way, you could start to date other men again, and let your husband work out his own insecurities as well as he can. Just be aware that going that route could end with your husband divorcing you.

Mono/poly relationships have been known to work, but it just depends on the people involved. Your husband could be mono while you are poly, if he (honestly) consents to that arrangement. I have to say, so far he doesn't sound overly enthused.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
The idea of me in a relationship with another male-identifying human scares the shit out of him. It’s funny to me bc I’ve been dating women for a while and he’s never had this reaction.
This is a pretty familiar topic around here I'm afraid. He's basically expressing to you that he doesn't see you dating women as a threat to him or your relationship, but feels insecure with another man in the picture; be that because of issues around bedroom performance (possibly the most trivial but most common) or beliefs around nuclear families including providing for and being head of the family, and fathering children. This tends to stem from deeply ingrained systemic misogyny that he hasn't necessarily had to confront before now. He's very likely a product of his upbringing. Was he also raised in OK or somewhere with similar values? He might not be able to shake them if they are an absolutely core part of his identity and/or he just doesn't want to.

Or would him dropping a tab alone open him up more to breaking down his childhood and youthful programming? If you've BEGGED him to do some research for the last six months and he hasn't...that's probably your answer there.

When you ask about relationships that are open on one side and closed on the other (OSP, one sided polyamory) are you meaning just one of you date anyone else at all, or that you only date women, and possibly so does he? Btw, how would he feel about you dating a trans woman (no surgery)?
 
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