Interesting situation, persistent feelings/crush

[Keiuna]

Hey everyone,

I hope you're all having a splendid day.

So I'm in somewhat of a predicament and not sure how to proceed. My girlfriend (Jay) and I decided to test the polyamorous waters around Christmas time. Previously, she was the only one who showed much interest in poly. It has taken me a while to fully grasp and become comfortable with it. When she moved to another city (4+ hour drive) last fall, we begun to talk about how it would affect our relationship and how we should go about making adjustments for our new lifestyles. That is how we decided to try polyamory.

Now that you have the lowdown, I'll go into a bit more depth about this situation. It might be kind of a silly dilemma, but as this is my first polyamory experience, I'm pretty foggy about how to proceed. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Once we decided to give polyamory a shot, I assumed that Jay would become involved with someone else fairly quickly. She was the one who had taken interest in it and seemed to be quite excited about the idea of finding another girlfriend and/or boyfriend. You can imagine what a shock it is for me to realize that I'm actually developing feelings for someone before she is!

I've been with Jay for nearly five years now. However, when we first started dating, I was madly in love with one of her close friends, Bea. I had been in love with Bea for a couple years, but at the time she was in a long-distance relationship, and I was a frigid virgin, so it never developed into anything official (though we both clearly had feelings for one another).

After Jay and I had been dating for a while, we ended up moving in together. One of our roommates was this close friend, Bea, with whom I was still in love. Needless to say, this love eventually caused huge issues between Jay and me, and ended up resulting in a lot of hurt and anguish. After that, I was able to stay with Jay and worked at getting over Bea,

This all happened roughly 3 and a half years ago. Plenty of time to move on, and plenty of time for healing, right?

Well, it just so happens that Bea now lives in the same town as Jay does. She is also currently in a polyamorous relationship. I've hung out with her dozens of times without so much as a warm fuzzy feeling or a shiver. However, the other day, Jay sent me some pictures of a photoshoot they had together and something happened. I realized that I'm still definitely attracted to Bea. I'm not in love with her like I use to be, but I love her as a close and valued friend. It took me off guard and shook me up a bit.

I'm torn, because I have no inclination to believe that she is still attracted to me. She also lives five hours away, so it's doubtful that I'm going to have the chance to pursue it.

So my question to you, my fellow polyamorists, is should I tell Jay about these new/old feelings and risk re-opening old wounds? Should I wait to see if it persists when I move out to their town this summer/fall? Or should I just forget the whole thing and get over it, because nothing is likely to come of it?

I would love to hear your opinions. Thanks in advance.

 

[IndieSolo]

You saw some pictures of Bea and had sexy thoughts about her. If you see a billboard with a gorgeous model that makes you think, "Wow, what a hottie," do you think you have to let Jay know that you had these thoughts? Are you going to tell her about every attraction that you feel through the course of the day, every day? You're human and there will be people you are attracted to, some with a history in your life and some without. I really don't think this is a big deal nor cause for any alarm or action on your part. Just know that you might now find yourself more conscious about being drawn or attracted to many more people than you used to be, simply because you've given yourself permission by embracing polyamory. Those natural attractions were kept at bay by your previously mono mindset, so be prepared now for the possibility of feeling like a kid in a candy store.

Good luck, relax, and have fun!

 

[Keiuna]

Thanks for the reassurance

I suppose I have a tendency to over-analyze things. I was worried because I haven't been able to shake this feeling the past week. I've been singing a song that I wrote for Bea nearly every day (it's one of my favorite songs), and haven't been able to get her off my mind. But now that I think of it, I've also been singing songs that I wrote for Jay too.

I think part of me might regret that nothing progressed further with Bea. This is the same part of me that really wants to pursue, this even though it's unrealistic.

Be prepared now for the possibility of feeling like a kid in a candy store

THIS! This made me a little giddy because it basically sums up how I feel whenever I'm out and about. I love this.

Thanks for the tips. *hugs*

 

[WonderingAbout]

Thanks for the reassurance. THIS! This made me a little giddy because it basically sums up how I feel whenever I'm out and about. I love this.

This is absolute WIN!!

 

[SourGirl]

Do you love Jay? I need to ask because you say you love this Bea, love 'this,' love our opinions, but I haven`t read about you being in love with Jay. It reads a bit like she was the second-place door prize 5 years ago. Is she a partner, or a partner you are in love with? That could change the type of advice given to you. Not a judgement, this is a serious question. Not everyone is all googoo gaga over their primary.

 

[AnnabelMore]

I would tell Jay that you've ben thinking more about poly and that it occurred to you to wonder how she would feel if you approached Bea. If she's not comfortable with it because of your past history with her, you can either let it go, or press for why it would be ok. But I don't see why you couldn't just ask Jay what she'd think. If you two can come to a good place about it, then you can reach out to Bea and see what she thinks. And then maybe, just maybe, dating will ensue! It doesn't seem all that complicated.

 

[Keiuna]

Do you love Jay?

Yes! I'm definitely in love with her. Our relationship began a little strangely, because for me it didn't start with a deep love. We started dating kind of for convenience, and it took about a year or more for my love to actually develop. Five years later, our love continues to grow and strengthen.

Our love is different than any other loves that I've had, but I think that's what makes it work. I can honestly say that I love Jay more now than ever before.

I would tell Jay that you've been thinking more about poly and that it occurred to you to wonder how she would feel if you approached Bea.

Yeah, I suppose this is something that I would be interested in pursuing eventually. I might as well bring it into the open while it's still in the early stages, rather than waiting to see if it develops into full-fledged love before bringing it up with Jay. I just really don't want this to damage Jay's friendship with Bea, though I suppose it's less likely to damage it now when it's a relatively small matter.

Okay! I think it's decided then. I'm going to talk to Jay about this after Valentine's.

Thanks to everyone for your advice and opinions. It's always easier to see solutions to other people's issues than it is for your own. I'll keep you all posted on how things go. Hopefully everything will work out!

*fingers crossed and wishing on a star*

Namaste,
Keiuna

 

[Keiuna]

This is absolute WIN!!

Aww thanks, hun! You can get virtual hugs from me any day!

 

[Anneintherain]

I have a question, as you say Jay and Bea both live in the same city 4+ hours away. Are you planning on living in the same city at any point soon? If not, how do you reasonably think you can manage two long-distance relationships when time is finite? Even if Jay is no longer jealous because you are now poly and not monogamous, would dating Bea cut into the time you have to spend together? Would you expect that you'd all hang out together a lot of the time because you're only in town for a short time? If they come and visit you, and they only have weekends free, would you have to alternate in order to accommodate two long-distance loves? If so, do you think that will benefit your relationship with Jay or cause it hardship?

Commonly, in your case, people seem to focus their energy on finding partners who ARE local when current partners aren't close by. I am curious about this.

Edit, I just reread your post and see you are planning on moving out there. Sorry to miss that in the first place. Yes though, I would probably bring it up with Jay. If she is OK with you dating people, but not her friend Bea, that will make for some interesting conversation and probably a lot of insight into things. I probably would not suggest attempting to date Bea until you moved out there, though, if any of the questions above led you to feel that your relationship with Jay was going to be negatively impacted by time issues.

 

[Keiuna]

Are you planning on living in the same city at any point soon? If not, how do you reasonably think you can manage two long-distance relationships when time is finite?

I would probably suggest bringing it up with Jay. If she is OK with you dating people, but not her friend Bea, that will make for some interesting conversation and probably a lot of insight into things.

I wasn't thinking of pursuing this until I made the move there. I completely agree that it would only take away time and energy for my current relationship, which isn't my aim. However, I'm going to definitely talk to Jay before going there. I figure the sooner I get this in the open, the better.

I'm really excited/nervous to see how this pans out. We've talked about having other relationships before, but it's always kind of been an abstract concept. This time it will actually be tangible. Needless to say, it will bring a lot of ideas and good conversations into the light.

 

[Anneintherain]

Then bringing it up sooner than later is really good, so if there's negative fallout you can deal with it long before you move there.

Have you considered dating elsewhere, now?

 

[Keiuna]

By elsewhere, do you mean in my current town? If so, I'm sorry to say that I've pretty much exhausted all possibilities here. My current city is quite small and I haven't really met anyone that I was attracted to enough to consider dating. Anyone that I might possibly be interested in are currently in mono relationships, so they're all out of the picture.

Although the thought did cross my mind that it might be nice to try a relationship before moving down there. I don't want to risk creating unnecessary tension between Jay and me, or losing my friendship with Bea. I imagine the first poly relationship that one enters can bring up some rough patches that need to get ironed out.

 

[Anneintherain]

Yes, I do mean locally. Have you tried www.Okcupid.com? Perhaps there are people at least within an hour or less of you that you could chat with, if not meet. Even just chatting with people who identify as poly or in open relationships who are looking for friends can help broaden your understanding of all the possibilities, and you never know what can grow from that. Not just romantic possibilities, but networking for a broader network of friends who either are poly, or understand it.

I certainly don't advocate experimenting with people just for the sake of it, though. I have seen people new to poly posting along a wide spectrum, but there are two extremes for where you are at-- coupled people having no experience with poly, and then lucking into a good and positive experience with a first relationship with somebody they already had romantic feelings for, and negative horrible experiences with first experiences backfiring and causing drama all around when the initial love interest is somebody that was already a known factor.

If you and Jay both attempt even going for coffee with a person or two, even if nothing comes with it, it can give you a chance to process things as they come up, and really have a chance to digest how you are feeling. Now maybe you two are much more gung ho and can dive into something where a serious relationship can occur with your first foray into dating. I don't know your comfort levels, but just wanted to throw some more ideas out there.

 

[Keiuna]

Hmm, I've considered this before. I did create an account on Plenty of Fish a while ago, but then deleted it because I felt weird "shopping" for friends or partners without Jay knowing. I just didn't have a good feeling about it. I think it might be different if we were to actually talk about it and try it though.

I have been wanting to meet more people who are interested in polyamory. This would be a great way to accomplish that.

coupled people having no experience with poly and then lucking into a good and positive experience with a first relationship with somebody they already had romantic feelings for, and negative horrible experiences with first experiences backfiring and causing drama all around when the initial love interest is somebody that was already a known factor.

The latter part of this is exactly why I'm hesitant about this being our first poly experience. I think that both Jay and I value Bea's friendship so much, and the last thing I would want to do is to mess that up by trying to pursue a relationship with her. I'm especially conscious of this because Jay, Bea and I already have past drama that could resurface if not handled properly.

Thanks again for your advice. I kept flip-flopping back and forth about this and it helped a ton. It has put this whole situation into such good perspective to be able to talk about it with someone who actually understands what polyamory is.