Intro and a question

M

Maskofdj

New member
Let me introduce ourselves my name is Summer, I am 21 years young and my fiancee David, is 26 we are both very very outgoing people he is just a tab bit more shy than I. We love to go to the beach, be outdoors, swim, tan, we are bit of foodies but you couldn't tell lol and we love adventure ( you know those new and exciting things). We have been seeking a girlfriend of sorts, we want somebody that we can have fun with in and out of the bedroom, a girl who is not shy and most importantly interested in us and the lifestyle we seek. We are new to this also I have a couple experiences and the same goes for David, so we could both learn together. Don't be shy or nervous, let's start with a conversation :)


Now the questions:

We are secure in our relationship but I am terrified that he will eventually develop deep feelings for the other woman that cause him to leave how as a couple can we both achieve getting over this?
 
The question isn't how you get over it but why you feel that way. Has he ever given you reason to not trust him? Are there boundaries you have that he feels the urge to cross?

I trust my wife would never leave me for someone else. I don't know that for a fact and she fears I would leave her because she's told me so. I could never leave her though. Not like that anyway. I love her and I couldn't bear to hurt her in that way. Nor would I want to. I married her because I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She asked me the other day what I would do if someone asked me to leave her for them. I said I would tell them no and end it with the person that asked me. She said there is no way I could know that for sure. Except there is. My decision to stay with her is not emotional. It's rational. I want to be with her. I want to spend time with her. We are having problems in our marriage and will be going to counseling very soon but I still would rather spend time with her than do anything else.

She then posed the question as if I had fallen in love with them as much or more than I am in love with her. First, it's impossible to love someone more than I love her because I care about her as much as I care about my children which is to say unconditionally and without exception. So that leaves "as much". If I loved someone unconditionally then I would STILL tell that person no. My wife is a part of me. She's not someone I can just leave. Why would I want to? She's the mother of my children and an amazing human being. She treats me well, she's understanding and accepting of who I am, she's tolerant, she's brilliant, she's an amazing mother, she's an outstanding wife. She is perfect, to me. Sure we have our differences and yes that's been a huge gap for us lately but she asked me what I didn't like about her. I had to basically make stuff up because I couldn't think of anything.

So when you ask yourself why you fear it, make sure you understand that trust is YOUR perception, not their action. Sure, they have to earn that trust, but only you can give it.
 
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Helpful

We had a small hiccup that caused a bit of a trust issue he was speaking with an old flame while I was on vacation... we have moved past it I believe

Your information was very helpful maybe I need to sit down with him and mention that maybe if he said what you said to or left a note it would make me feel wayyyy more secure

I believe he has a hard time expressing his feelings therefore sometimes I do not know what is going on in the noggin

Maybe him reading this will give him some pointers

Thank you very very much
 
Now the questions:

We are secure in our relationship but I am terrified that he will eventually develop deep feelings for the other woman that cause him to leave how as a couple can we both achieve getting over this?
Click to expand...

If you have to ask this, you're probably not as secure as you think you are. This is something you two have to sort out before you open your relationship, because no matter how hard you try, you cannot control his feelings, and neither of you can control how the third person will react. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that dictating how your relationship will happen doesn't work.

I do wonder why you aren't thinking of having a partner of your own. It's only fair. Are you doing this because you, Summer, are interested in trying it, or are you going along to get along? Why does he not have to fear that you will develop deep feelings for someone else, for that matter?
 
So

We have been discussing this since we posted this....
We would like to have a single girlfriend she is mine as well as his
I believe us having separate girlfriends would be like cheating excuse me if that is wrong in poly community but its our relationship and that is something i can not be comfortable with
I know that we are secure, I think it is the four letter word FEAR! we are new to all of this its like riding a bike for the first time
I want to do this, I mentioned the idea to him I love woman always have always will
He does have fear but I told him I love both and I could never imagine my life with just a female
 
Be well aware that what you are looking for is difficult to find. Human beings have a difficult enough time falling in love with one person, let alone two.

I see a lot of possessive language: mine. His. Does she get to be her own and have relationships outside of you two? Is it mandated that she must be with both of you? What if she doesn't want one of you? It's not all about what you want. This hypothetical "she" is a person, not a thing. Being new to it, you'll not have run into the problem before, or discussions about the problem, but I suggest you look up "unicorn hunting" or "unicorn hunters" for a better idea of why I'm concerned.
 
Sorry

Yes we are very new and I am been trying to watch my language it is a habit

I feel less accepted here than fetlife

I understand you are trying to help, really I do

So give us some pointers instead of telling us what we are doing wrong

Your right its not about us it is about her she has me or him to choose from

If she doesn't want one then she can have the other, but no she doesn't get to have hers too

Then that would turn into a very large large relationship

We want a female for the both us... I am sorry but this is a package deal
 
Also

Was using possessiveness in last comment before the other because I was responding to your initial questions :confused:
 
Just looked it up

This type of couple expects their hypothetical future partner to be single or willing to give up any existing and future partners, to love & have sex with both members of the original dyad equally, and for each member of the existing dyad to reciprocate exactly an equal level of love and sexual attraction for the new person.

That is the definition of what you asked me to look up

I am not asking a woman give up her current relationship, I want a single bi fem for the both of us, I do not expect her to have sex equally with us or fall in love with both of us. Hell I am not even looking for a forever with a unicorn I am looking for a woman who wants the both of us equally, meaning that she is attracted to both of sexually,mentally and physical same thing in a normal relationship. You never know when it is going to end, if it ends up 2 days fine, 6 months fine, not seeking marriage
 
Hiya Maskofdj, welcome to polyamory.com

No need to be sorry. I'm not in your situation, so I'm afraid I don't have much 'pointers' to offer. Except to read a lot of what's already written in this forum.

I understand you're not feeling very accepted; I invite you to understand that the folks responding have heard your exact questions many hundreds of times already. Lots of them have been in your situation, either as the couple or the girl being searched for. Because they've been there, they know the hardships you face. They're trying to show you. If they had ways to get beyond it, believe me, they would have done it and they'd be all about sharing.

What they've done is walked through it; or, many here have held the hands and dried the tears of those who have walked through it.
 
Thanks

NovemberRain said:
Hiya Maskofdj, welcome to polyamory.com

No need to be sorry. I'm not in your situation, so I'm afraid I don't have much 'pointers' to offer. Except to read a lot of what's already written in this forum.

I understand you're not feeling very accepted; I invite you to understand that the folks responding have heard your exact questions many hundreds of times already. Lots of them have been in your situation, either as the couple or the girl being searched for. Because they've been there, they know the hardships you face. They're trying to show you. If they had ways to get beyond it, believe me, they would have done it and they'd be all about sharing.

What they've done is walked through it; or, many here have held the hands and dried the tears of those who have walked through it.
Click to expand...


Thank you and like we said I type fast so instead of saying we I type I

Like that doesn't make a unicorn hunter

Ya know??

Just new and getting our feet wet
 
Hello Summer and David,
Welcome to our forum.

Sorry if we came across as a little critical; we mean you no harm, we just don't want anyone to get hurt.

If you go to the bottom of this page (on the right side), you'll see a "Forum Jump" menu. You can click on that menu and see a "Dating & Friendships" area. That might give you a place to start looking for what you are seeking.

Hopefully you'll find what you're looking for, but do bear in mind you're looking for something very specific, so it may take awhile to find that special someone (even though you're not necessarily asking her for a lengthy relationship; I understand that).

As for your fear that he will eventually develop deep feelings for the other woman that cause him to leave, you don't have to "just get over it," but you should talk about it with David. Maybe he's just not giving you the verbal reassurance you need. You mentioned that he has a hard time expressing his feelings.

Polyamory can be a complex lovestyle, and sometimes things turn out differently than how we envisioned them. That doesn't mean things have turned out badly, just that they've turned out (somewhat) differently.

Don't know if this helps a little; if you have some more questions just let me know.

With respects/regards,
Kevin T.
 
First of all, welcome! As a former unicorn hunter myself, I know what a struggle it can be. The problem is this: we are all human. It's very hard to find someone that a) fits your criteria, b) fits your husband's criteria, c) feels like both of you fit their criteria! In my own situation, my girlfriend isn't completely ideal (seeing as how she is already with someone else and isn't available to be an exclusive triad with us), and also because of her own likes/dislikes. My husband and I both like her personality, and we both enjoy dating her (and especially the intimate time that goes along with it), but she is and always has been more into women. So she tends to spend more time with me than with him. When you're searching for a girlfriend, I would suggest not narrowing yourselves too much, or you'll end up missing out on some great people and opportunities! As far as not feeling like he'll leave you for someone else... I would say that is the point where you two need to gauge just how polyamorous you really are. In my opinion, the whole point of polyamory is that you have the ability to love more than one person, so in essence, wouldn't that mean he would never feel the need to leave you for her? He could fall madly in love with her, but still be madly in love with you too.... that's the beauty of it. If you don't think he can do that, then maybe he isn't poly at all...
 
Wow I am truly impressed

I want to say thank you so much for the last two comments reading them gave us a different view on poly never really saw the side about loving more than one more person, I as his fiancee do believe he is capable of loving more than one person I just think it will take time as with any relationship. I think our problem is this also this is the first time we have had a name to the kinda of lifestyle we are seeking verse being swingers. As we both explore this lifestyle together, we are opening up to each other about everything. Most people in this have been very welcoming and have opened really up our eyes. Thank you!
 
Being a "Unicorn hunter" isn't right or wrong - it's what you want. The reality is that lots of folks have come on poly fora like this one, bemoaning the fact that they can't find anyone who is suitable - if you look around on here you will find several recent posts.

The main issue is that by having the stipulations that you have, you are are severely limiting the number of candidates for you - by needing her to be single, and enforcing the rule that she have a relationship with the both of you, you reduce the number of females that will even consider it.

Let me give you a few more things to think about, none of these are "tests" or right/wrong answers - they're here to help you sort out what you are looking for:
* Are you going to keep on doing things with your current partner alone once she is in your life?
* Are you going to allow her to go out on dates with just him. is he going to allow you to go out on dates with just you, or do things have to be done as a 3?
* What about sex? Must it always be the three of you? Or is it ok for you to be with your current partner, but not her alone with either of you?
* Is she going to live with you, or is she expected to keep her own place?
* What about fluid bonding? How would that work between you?
* Is this primarily about sex between you, or are you thinking of this as a full relationship?
* What about children? If she is single but has children, is that ok? What role would the two of you play with those children?
* If the relationships between her and each of you progress at different paces (she feels more for you than him, for example) - is this going to be a show-stopper problem or are you ok with letting each develop?
* Is she allowed to go out on dates (and maybe start a relationship with another person), once you are in this relationship? Or are you expecting this to be completely "closed".
* If you find this person, would the two of you not be looking for any other relationships (sexual or romantic) outside of the three of you?

These are all things that a prospective unicorn would be asking of you, so it's probably best to have those answers discussed between the two of you and ready. There may be more, but those are what I can think of off the top of my head.
 
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