Introducing long distance love to husband?

[SuperDuperLove]

Hey there wonderful people! I need some advice....

(My story is in the introductions thread)

So what it boils down to.... I haven't "formally" introduced my husband (C) and my long distance love (D). They've gotten to know a little about each-other through me, but the opportunity hasn't come up to have them actually TALK to each-other.

I've talked with both of them about it. They are both willing to accept each-other with open minds and hearts.

(D) feels the situation is blooming naturally and we shouldn't 'force' anything. He knows we have plenty of time to develop this.

(C) feels like he needs to be developing a relationship with D too. To him it almost feels like I'm trying to keep D all to myself, and if we wanted to all have a 'bond/relationship" then we would have found a way to intermingle and get to know each-other together. BUT he has stated that he doesn't want to alter my path and it's not up to me to change my actions to make him happy.

MY point of view: The relationship with (D) developed fast, via texts and phone calls. I SHOULD have put D on speaker phone when we first started chatting regularly, because now it kind of feels awkward to just throw them in a convo on speakerphone. I think it would be so much easier if D was closer and they could meet IN PERSON. I have no doubt that they will get along GREAT and be the best of friends. I also believe things progressed this way for a reason. Not good or bad, just fate if you will. Everything happens the way it was meant to. I should also add... D and I mostly talk during the day while C is at work, because again, it's awkward to talk in front of him, and I felt bad leaving the room to talk to D.

I've read this: https://www.morethantwo.com/polymistakes.html

And this: http://polyweekly.com/from-two-to-three-opening-up-a-relationship-advice/

And a few other threads on here, but I'm not finding anything on HOW to introduce your two lovers.

Thanks for any advice/help/insight!

 

[Ravenscroft]

The three of you haven't spoken, much less met, yet you're all making plans to uproot, build a new house, & live happily ever after.

Le sigh.

You mean well, clearly. And your enthusiasm makes me smile.

As the old saw has it, "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions," to which I added "...with a lovely border of good theory."

Really, about all you've got right now is lots of good intention & good theory. Like, no matter how big your hearts & pure your souls & how many years the two of you have "talked about polyamory from the get go," the hard fact is that accepting something at a theoretical or a philosophical or a spiritual level IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT from actually doing it.

You can obsess about automobiles, read everything about them, spend hundreds of hours in simulators, even rebuild a main block.

...but until you get behind the wheel & pull out into traffic, you are NOT a driver.

This enthusiasm causes you to skip some very real steps in your thinking. For instance,

He is mono, but is totally comfortable with me (and hubby) being poly.

should be more qualified, maybe

He is mono, but claims he is totally comfortable with me (and hubby) being poly.

Even that may be a leap of faith, seeing as

they haven't met/talked except through me

the opportunity hasn't come up to have them actually TALK to each-other

yet

we have been able to communicate wonderfully and work them out

which can only mean that Dave has talked TO YOU, & Chuck has talked TO YOU -- there's no "we" there.

We ... are both completely comfortable with letting each other grow and explore in life and love with support, understanding, and compassion.

All theoretical, if it hasn't been tested in practice. If none of you has any actual experience balncing more than one intimate partner (or being with someone who did), then it's all theory.

In usual circumstances, I try to steer people away from expecting that all their lovers are gonna become instant BFFs with all the rest. It's Romantic nonsense; two might despise each other face-to-face, yet have no problem with a common lover; often, there's just casual indifference.

In your case, the situation isn't "blooming" & nothing is "natural," but if you three are dead set on advancing these plans at such a crazed pace, then I'd say DO IT NOW, before you dig the hole even deeper. If someone can't get motivatedto take a week off work to float this Perfect Relationship, then that clearly says there's something TERRIBLY wrong with the whole idea.

I also believe things progressed this way for a reason.

Yes, commonly called New Relationship Energy. You are whacked out of your minds on hormones & endorphins.

Not good or bad, just fate if you will. Everything happens the way it was meant to.

No, what you described there is death. Any other interpretation is only Romantic fantasy.

Please: slow down. Be calm. Rethink everything. Get objective input from someone uninvolved in the melodrama. Plan carefully. As there's real property involved (& the consequent cash), consult a lawyer.

 

[Shaya]

Hi SuperDuper,

Firstly, a warm welcome to the forums. I'm glad you found us! I'm relatively new here myself but I have found the insight and advice from a lot of the more senior members to be really useful.

My first piece of advice for joining the forums is that you won't always get the feedback you want to hear. Some of the feedback may even sound harsh because the experienced polyamorists may disagree with your approach. If you can look past the harsh exterior of their words and recognise the time (sometimes hours) that they are putting in helping newcomers to the forum, I find that helped me swallow some of their harsh truths. As another option, you can also block them by pressing the red exclamation mark in the top right corner. Far too often we see newbies never come back after a harsh comment or two. I think you will find polyamory.com too be too valuable a resource to throw away just because of a few comments.

I mention this because there's quite a few things you've said in your first post that strike me as "comment-worthy", if you like. In the nicest of ways, I'd like to point out that there seems to be this desperate need for your lovers to meet and get along with each other. I can totally understand this. That's how I'm wired too. Makes sense to me. Turns out, there are many ways of doing polyamory healthily - getting your lovers to be best buddies sometimes doesn't work. If it's happening naturally, I'd suggest to go with the flow - do what's most natural. However, I wouldn't force it to happen. So the answer to your question, is to do whatever happens naturally. Coffee? Phone. Skype. Whatever. No right way to do it. No wrong way to do it. Also... maybe recognise that this isn't actually that important a question. I'm sure your partners have much more pressing questions and needs that they may be wanting to share with you.

Something else in your opening post caught my attention. You didn't ask for help on it, but hey, this is an internet forum so you get to read what I write even if you didn't specifically ask for help on it, right? You also said that you had "no doubt that the two of them would get along GREAT" and be the best of friends. I can see the beauty of that, but I would say that there is a high likelihood that they won't be bestest friends unfortunately. Well, at least not initially maybe. Consider please, what this would mean for your relationship. Is your relationship with D predicated on D's relationship with with your husband? What if your husband disapproves of D? More likely, what if your husband's jealousy biases your husband towards seeing the negative things that D does, whilst the NRE in you biases you towards seeing the positive aspects? You may find yourself disagreeing with your husband about D. How do you plan to balance couple privilege against your husband's need for security during this time of transition?

There are a lot of hard questions to answer and I suspect many of them will be situation dependent. You sound like you're in a really happy place right now, even your name sounds super happy and I don't want to take that from you. But I feel that you should consider how you would react if or when things become less happy for your partners. You know, just planning stuff. Transitioning from monogamy to polyamory can be difficult for all parties involved, and I suspect it will be harder for your husband than it will be for you. As someone who was recently on your husband's side of the fence, with a wife who sounded as deliriously happy as you, I'd caution that you may find your happiness to be your greatest enemy because our happiness has a way of blinding us to the reality of the pain that our loved ones are going through. Maybe. I dunno. Just my opinion.

My recommendation, as I always recommend, would be to go slow. To me, you sound super excited and if you can somehow (probably impossible, but if you can somehow), reduce those NRE feelings, look with empathy towards your partners and see how they are faring in this transition phase. To answer your question of how to introduce your partners? I would say do whatever is natural, and I would also say, your partners may have bigger concerns than this - ask them about it. I would suggest to keep checking in on them to see what their concerns are. Although they may be okay one moment, they may not be in the next.

Good luck on your poly journey,
Shaya.

 

[SuperDuperLove]

Reply

First, THANK YOU for your time and responses!

Ravenscroft, All very valid points! You wrote "accepting something at a theoretical or a philosophical or a spiritual level IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT from actually doing it."

YES! And this is one of the topics I've discussed many times with each of them.... I had a convo with my husband just yesterday about the new feelings he's having. We're only human, and emotions are there and though they are totally natural and VALID feelings, we talk about them and work on ourselves daily. (ie, jealousy, fears, hopes, false expectations, insecurities..)

Also, I've talked with both of them about the NEGATIVE variations of how this could pan out.

We are after-all, intelligent, mature adults, completely aware of the NRE and as strange as it would seem, realists.

Shaya, Thank you for the kinds words and welcome! I have tried to keep my NRE feelings in check around C. He knows my vibrations have changed, and is super supportive! He's communicated how amazing it's been to see me fall in love, and he's happy for D and I for finding each-other, and how he sees how good we are for each-other. I still would rather not 'rub it in his face'.

If getting us all together to meet was as simple as taking a week off of work for any of us, it would have been done months ago.... so back to the question at hand... how do you introduce two lovers when there is only phone?

Call me crazy... or an optimist. Both are true

 

[Shaya]

Maybe skype or coffee on the weekend? You mentioned speakerphone?

Others have done a 3-some in bed, but I wouldn't recommend that.

 

[FallenAngelina]

If getting us all together to meet was as simple as taking a week off of work for any of us, it would have been done months ago.... so back to the question at hand... how do you introduce two lovers when there is only phone?

I'd say that if you're having to fish around for ways to get your lovers to meet, it's way too soon. For whatever reason, the situation isn't moving fluidly and naturally toward that, so I encourage you to respect the wisdom of the flow. If you're the one making efforts to orchestrate a meet-up and your guys are not contributing with enthusiastic efforts of their own, it's much too soon to bring these two men together, even on the phone. Poly isn't a three way relationship, so "D" (please give him a nickname) is right: "D feels the situation is blooming naturally and we shouldn't 'force' anything. He knows we have plenty of time to develop this."

Also, I didn't read where you three are planning to move in together, but if you are, definitely do not even think about that right now.

I'm curious, since you say that you and "D" were soul mates from years ago, why didn't you two become a couple back then? Why did you "marry" C and not D, since you knew him prior to meeting C? Please give your guys nicknames.

 

[Ravenscroft]

I didn't read where you three are planning to move in together

Oh, oops -- that's in the Intro thread; I forgot to include it:

We are currently looking for land in another state where we can all live together.

________________

May not matter. The story is evolving.

the opportunity hasn't come up to have them actually TALK to each-other.

now it kind of feels awkward to just throw them in a convo on speakerphone.

D and I mostly talk during the day while C is at work, because ... it's awkward to talk in front of him, and I felt bad leaving the room to talk to D.

I'm not finding anything on HOW to introduce your two lovers.

so back to the question at hand... how do you introduce two lovers when there is only phone?

It's gone from either choosing the right words or arranging a date to a tech issue.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi SuperDuperLove,

I can't think of a way to make this less awkward between C and D, you are just going to have to switch to speakerphone while C is in the room, and let C and D talk. Just let them know what's going on ahead of time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

I think you need to go at the speed of the slowest mover in this case. D doesn't seem to be in all that much of a hurry to make this happen. I can relate to him. But I am not into that whole having to be BBF with a metamor thing so my view is skewed.

 

[SuperDuperLove]

Update

The last 10 days have been filled with conversations with both men. (I updated my profile so they have nicknames now.... C=Charger... D=Doober)

The urgency for Charger to "meet" and "get to know" Doober stemmed from this: Charger had the mindset that if we found another person to bring into our relationship, it was going to be done together, as a couple. So naturally, he's felt left out of the loop. He wasn't expecting or looking for a "V" situation, (neither was I), but that's what came about.

Things would have unfolded differently if Doober didn't live across the country, but that's a bunch of "shoulda woulda coulda".... Irrelevant.

Doober feels that the relationship between them will unfold naturally, and their bond should be authentic and not forced. He's also pointed out that he won't have the same connection with Charger that he does with me, as it will be a friendship connection, and not a romantic connection.

We have ALL come to realize, this has happened very naturally and we can't force things to go the way we want them. Not every moment has been ideal, but we have been able to communicate wonderfully and work through it.

P.S. I've found a small bit of land.... There are two small living quarters and a workshop. The plan would be for each man to have his own place at first and we'll see how everything unfolds from there. MY ideal situation would be they get along great and we all share a bed and a home, but I know that is only ONE of MANY outcomes.... but a girl can dream!