Introducing new person to poly

sdguitarguy

sdguitarguy

New member
I thought I'd throw this out there.

I am in a relationship with two other people, Celia and Bea. Celia is my ex, we live separately now but have re-establish a new relationship. Bea lives separately but we see each other often. We all consider ourselves solo poly.

Some months ago, I met Diane who was single but monogamous. I disclosed up front that I was poly. Diane knew about Bea and Celia.

Diane was very curious about polyamory and we have had long discussion via text messaging about poly.

We had a couple of dates, had sex once, but then our scheduling just didn't work out, she canceled on me a couple of times and we drifted apart.

A couple of weeks ago, we reconnected by text. Diane had wanted to meet Bea so I suggested that the three of us go out for a drink. I was not trying to set up a three way, Bea has no interest in that, and I made that clear to Diane.

Diane was quiet at first but we had dinner and a few drinks. Diane ended up asking a lot of questions. She asks great questions, it's one of the things I really like about her. I thought everything went pretty well. Bea liked her. We paid the bill and we all went our separate ways.

After the date, I got a text from Diane saying how unhappy she was. Towards the end of the night, Diane felt that there was a lot of flirting on Bea's part towards me, loving private looks, blowing kisses. Diane said she felt awful and, from what Diane read, this was not the way to treat a historically monogamous person.

I accept that Diane's feelings are real. Although Bea and I made a number of accommodations (planned in advance) to make Diane feel comfortable (I picked up Diane, Bea met us later, I sat with Diane, Bea sat across from us, for example), we apparently did not succeed. Perhaps after a couple of drinks, we loosened our ties too much. But even by Diane's account, it was later in the date and involved a few loving glances, some smiles that bothered her.

Right now, I have to decide if I want to pursue this or not. While I like Diana and we have a lot in common, it's starting to feel like a lot of work and I just don't have the bandwidth for it.

I'm open to discussion now about how I may have fucked this up. I have my own ideas but I'm interested in other perspectives.
 
Hello sdguitarguy,

If you do continue to see Diane, I would suggest doing it without Celia or Bea present. I know Diane wanted to meet Bea, I think Diane bit off more than she could chew. If she wants to meet Celia, I would suggest Diane and Celia meet without you present.

Diane probably isn't cut out for this poly business. But I could be wrong about that.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I'm with Kevin on this. I don't think you fucked up at all. Well...maybe Diane felt like it was a date because you picked her up, but the point was for her to meet Bea. Personally, it would be a yellow flag for me.
 
It's great that Diane asks excellent questions.

However, it sounds to me that she's rather... well, no nice way to say it, thin-skinned. IME, prickly people don't do well with nonmonogamy, & not much better at being involved with polyfolk.

Are you saying that Bea was "out of line" in her actions? If so, were you aware of this at the time, or only after Diane complained to you?

The "this was not the way to treat a historically monogamous person" part looks (to me) like using a claim of victimhood to gain power.

If I were in your shoes, I'd point out -- affectionately but straightforwardly -- that it's unlikely I'd be "converted" to monogamy, but I'm willing to support someone in getting up to speed IF they sincerely wish to be part of my life.
 
Thanks for your replies, it's good to get an outside perspective.

Ravenscroft, I didn't think Bea was out of line at the time. I actually thought we were very restrained. So I was surprised that Diane was upset.

Kevin, Diane may or may not be open to poly but it crystallized for me that I'm not ready or willing to put in the time needed to bring her up to speed.
 
sdguitarguy said:
Towards the end of the night, Diane felt that there was a lot of flirting on Bea's part towards me, loving private looks, blowing kisses.
Click to expand...
Perhaps Diane thought she could handle meeting your piece of fluff on the side, but found she couldn't when it became clear that Bea was your partner instead.

If she continues seeing you, she needs to realise that the loving private looks are because you and Bea have a loving private relationship, and aren't something that can or should be put under wraps.
 
Poly isn't for her if she can't handle being around a partner who loves and cares for someone else, and feels slighted if you show a little affection toward anyone other than her while she is present. It would be a hard road for you both if you get involved further and try to "bring her up to speed." I don't think she actually grasps the reality of what polyamory is if that was her reaction.

If I were you, I would tell her that I'm surprised because she seemed to be enjoying herself, and though I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, I don't think getting involved would be something to pursue after that kind of response.
 
Thanks for all your input.

To give you an update, we've been texting more and Diane said that she could understand that seeing two people who were obviously in love is a wonderful thing. She acknowledged that her socialization and her feelings for me made her feel envious and jealous. So I think people were right that she got in a little over her head but she's been working through it without me having to push.

This is one of things I like about Diane. She's smart. It felt good for her to ultimately own her own stuff. I'll admit it's gratifying to see someone develop a healthy mindset.

She's a good friend and she is still interested in poly. But I'll be handling this as a friend moving forward.
 
Glad to hear she's doing better about it.
 
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