Introduction: Confused and hesitant

[Sweetart159]

Hello I'd like to remain as anonymous possible, while at the same time explaining my situation in detail, so I'll go by Jane. I'm Jane (23F). I'm a straight mono female that's recently been thrown into the world of poly. (about 3 weeks) My fiance John (25M) is a bi male who has recently come out as poly. He has asked me to open our so far mono relationship to become a poly relationship. We have been dating for about 5 years now. I like to think that I'm a fairly open minded person, so I told him I would think about it. About 1 week after John telling me that he's poly, he found a 3rd person who is also bi and poly, we'll call him Jack(20m). So far I'm finding myself in a Vee relationship that I was kinda thrown into. Both John and Jack like each other very much have been friends for a short while (2 months). Feelings have already blossomed between the 2. Suprisingly I'm not as jealous I thought I would be. I'm still VERY VERY jealous but still not as much as I have been in the past. John has constantly been reassuring me that I come first in the relationship and that I can call it quits whenever I want. I have not called it quits because Jack makes John very happy and I enjoy seeing John happy more than anything else. Now John and Jack both want the Vee to become a triad. I'm the only thing keeping it a Vee at this point. I'm so confused and I don't know how to feel about the situation, it's all moving very fast and it's kind of scary to me. John has been trying to push me further out of my comfort zone to try and get me to get to know Jack. Jack has been trying to let me have my space while also trying to open up to me. My confusion comes in because since I'm mono I never thought about a poly relationship before, I don't quite understand liking more than 1 person in a romantic way especially since I'm more a one person kind of person. I feel bad because both John and Jack are putting in a lot of effort trying to get me to like the idea of converting our vee to a triad. Mean while I'm still shellshocked that he's already found a third. Jack has already been told from the begining that all of this hinges on me so he's been very nice and understanding over the past 2 weeks. I just don't know what steps I should take next. Any advice would be helpful or even other perspectives. Thank you so much for reading my post.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Jane,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You should not have to turn the Vee into a triad unless that's absolutely something you want to do, and you should not be rushed. Just going by your description, it sounds like John has not bothered to wait for your consent in the first place, you can't have a Vee unless all three people consent, and it looks to me like you do not consent. If that's true, then John is openly cheating on you. At the very least, John is moving way, way, way too fast. I think he's trying to rush you into a triad so that you'll forgot about your objections to the Vee in the first place.

I'm sure that John has many good qualities, that you and he are a perfect match in about a million ways, that you would never want to break up with him, and that you are mostly venting in your first post here. I just wonder if maybe the one area where you don't match up is where he is poly, you are mono. And mono/poly relationships are possible, but they require lots of communication and compromise by both parties. So far you are the only one doing the compromising. Tell John that he is rushing you, he needs to slow down. I hope the two of you can work things out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[Evie]

You. Are. In. No. Way. Obliged. To. Become. Romantic. With. Jack.

Or sexual.

Or even friends.

These guys are cheeky af trying to get you to form a triad at all, let alone so quickly. Not cool. I suggest telling them to enjoy their own thing but leave you out of it for the foreseeable future. If you eventually develop an attraction towards Jack, it will come from a place of knowing him platonically for a goodly while first. He's John's pick for another partner, not yours. Tell John you'd like to pick your own romantic partners, not be forced into something you didn't choose.