Introduction - More than I expected

[Buddy]

Hello everyone, I'm really glad to have found this site and hope that i can use it as a source of support and information. A little background: My wife and I have been married for 26 years, have two kids that are out of the house. Our marriage has been great and I wouldn't change any of our history together. I love her dearly. There is no doubt that I am a monogamous person and have not desire to have a sexual, or romantic, relationship outside of my marriage. I had thought, through the years, that my wife might be polyamorous for various reasons. I had mentioned it now and then through the years but she never really said much, or really acted on it. She went on a trip a year ago to visit her old college roommate and they went out. My wife spent an evening with another man, having dinner and dancing. She told me about it the next day and we had some talks about it. Now, since our last child moved out, she is wanting to actually try the poly lifestyle. I had thought I had done a ton of research on the subject but I am finding that I don't really know what she is getting into. Last weekend, we went to a concert and I had noticed that she had been talking to a guy behind us - which is pretty normal concert activity. Half way through the show I looked to my right and the guy (had to be 25 or so) was grinding my wife from the back. I didn't know what to do in that situation so I ignored it. The guy had seen me look and backed off. Later on, when the show was about done, I told my wife that I was going to go to the restroom and should I come back or meet her in the lobby at the end of the show. She said to come back. Well, when I came back, my wife was slow dancing with the guy. I went to the back of the venue and waited for the show to be over. Later, she came and met me. I told her I didn't want to come back so that there wouldn't be an awkward situation. I just want to be supportive of my wife, but I don't want to appear to be a cuckold to people around us. My wife said she hoped that I wasn't embarrassed. How do people handle these situations? I want my wife to be able to experience other men since that is her nature but I don't want to be a part of the dynamics of the outside relationships. Does that mean that she goes out by herself to events? Do we go together and split up? Thanks for any insight!!

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

Last weekend, we went to a concert...

So wife is there on a date with you?

Half way through the show I looked to my right and the guy (had to be 25 or so) was grinding my wife from the back.

And did she consent to this or he's getting fresh/committing assault?

Well, when I came back, my wife was slow dancing with the guy.

So if she's there on a date with you, why's she making out/picking up other dudes?

I just want to be supportive of my wife, but I don't want to appear to be a cuckold to people around us.

Have you guys actually agreed to practice Open Marriage/Poly now? Or is wife jumping the gun?

If you are doing Open Marriage, perhaps you need to make agreements that if she's on a date with you, her focus is on you. Not on picking up other people.

And when she's out to socialize on her own, she can do her scouting for potentials then.

My wife said she hoped that I wasn't embarrassed.

If I was at a concert date with spouse? I'd be mad. What's he doing picking up other people? It's rude.

If we are NOT on a date and both happen to be somewhere to mingle and socialize, ok. But if we went together as a date? I wouldn't be embarrassed. I'd be mad.

How do people handle these situations? I want my wife to be able to experience other men since that is her nature but I don't want to be a part of the dynamics of the outside relationships.

So tell her that. You do NOT want to involved with her other relationship. You do not want to be her wingman or along for the ride or having your own dates with her interrupted by her not really being PRESENT.

Does that mean that she goes out by herself to events?

Yes. Sometimes she will go out on her own, with her other friends, whatever.
You do not have to be there.

Do we go together and split up?

That is also a possibility. So long as it is understood as "we are sharing a car ride" and not like "we are on a date together."

How you guys work it out is between you guys. So I encourage you to talk it out.

Galagirl

 

[Al99]

Hi Buddy - and welcome to the Forum! Your account really sounds more like a hotwife scenario than poly. When a married couple transitions to poly, the most common situation is that both date independently. Or, if you prefer to remain mono but agree for your wife to be actively poly, then she would most often date independently. Of course there are no "rules" set by a governing body, but that is what polyamory would more often look like to most poly folks. The situation you described - with the wife dancing and flirting in front of you -would more likely be viewed by many as a hot wife scene. Nothing wrong with that either if that is what you have both agreed to - but it sounds like what you both need to do is sit down and talk about what you want to do and establish some guidelines. It may be that you agree for her to be actively poly and date others (even if you don't) but that it would not be in your presence.

You may also want to do further research on the subject.

There are a number of good books available on the various aspects of poly but several of us believe that Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino to be the best general introduction to polyamory. (Available in hard copy or digital from Amazon et al.)

Also, here is is a link to a list of several of the best poly web sites:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108191

Also - if hotwifing does intrigue you, there is an active hotwife forum similar to this one at:

https://ourhotwives.org/forum/

Again, welcome!

Al

 

[Buddy]

Thank you for the replies to my post. Like I said, I thought I had done a lot of research before hand but but finding out that I don't know anything. I am monogamous. She considers herself poly and is just trying to dip her toes in the water. We need to talk about how things are going to progress. One of the replies hit it on the head; if we are out on a date then the focus needs to stay on the date and not other people. As to hotwife situation, not really. She isn't into going out and finding a sexual partner for the sake of sex. She would like to find an ongoing relationship. I think what happened is new lifestyle energy and she took things too far. I'm all for supporting her but I don't want to feel uncomfortable. Thank you for the replies! I was really hoping for some information like this.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Buddy,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Some guys enjoy being in their wife's presence when she is flirting with other guys; however, I don't think that's your cup of tea. You are okay with your wife being polyamorous and you are even okay with her flirting with other guys, it's just that you would rather not be around when she's doing that. Nothing wrong with that, just let her know of your preference. You may want to also think about whether you would be comfortable with her actually having sex with other guys? What (if anything) would be your limits on how far she could go? (kissing, fondling, grinding, etc.) Talk it over with her.

In case it would help, here are some additional sources of info for you:

• Opening Up
• More than Two
• Poly FAQ
• Glossary and Definitions thread
• Master Thread - links to other threads worth reading

This forum is a great place to (teach and) learn, anytime you have questions, I encourage you to ask. I have mono/poly links I can show you too, if you're interested. Let me know. It's great to have you aboard!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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