Is it me or is it hard to explain poly???

R

Rflor

New member
I should explain that I am bi and poly since I started high school. My high school was very accepting and it was almost like there was something in the water because most everyone was part of the LGBTPQ community. We all accepted each other and poly, in a sense, was practiced by most everyone. Yes, emotions did run high quite a bit but we all understood that as long as anyone you created a relationship knew, trusted, and -most importantly- respected each other, our relationships and above all ourselves, it was fine to have more than one partner for your emotional, sexual or intellectual needs.

But now, I'm out of high school and it's a whole other ballpark. I am no longer with either of my two girls, who are away at college or our baby boy who is still in high school wreaking havoc with all the boys and girls hearts.

I have pretty much been thrown back into the poly closet. The friends I've made here at college are all fine with me being bi and with the few flings I've had, but when I have ever brought up anything about poly its almost as if nothing could change their minds. They say there's no such thing as polyamory, that its just a way for "whores and sluts to get away with doing more than one dick or whole".

And then there are the guys or girls I've gone on dates with. No matter how much I invest into the relationship once I open the door to the poly closet I either get the guys thinking I'm easy or the girls thinking I just want to sleep around.

No one understands that I just have more love to give than expected. I don't want to be labeled a cheater by having relationships without consent, that's not how I've ever done things...
 
I love the hypocrisy. "Oh, yeah, you're busting all these boundaries about the genders of your partners and yourselves! That's cool! Wait, you want to change the numbers? GROSS!"

Some allies just aren't. And some people within the community need their eyes opened.

Did you ever get the mistrust-of-bisexuals thing? I hear we're apparently neither gay enough nor straight enough for some people.
 
Sounds to me like you need to meet more people and find some friends who aren't so inflexible.
 
"whores and sluts to get away with doing more than one dick or whole" <-- Why the hell are you friends with these people?
 
I honestly didn't understand polyamory myself at first either:

  1. I was naturally monogamous growing up. As far back as I can remember (first grade and beyond), I always had one best friend, and we'd spend all our time together. When I got to dating age, I wanted to find that one special person, a soulmate to share our lives together, the two of us against the world. In high school, everyone engaged in rapid serial dating, never staying a couple more than a week or two before switching off. I thought they were crazy. I was a one-gal type of guy waiting for my soulmate.

  2. In high school biology class, I was tought that people are hard-wired for monogamy, and while non-monogamy (triads, etc) may seem exciting and tempting, they don't work and ultimately result in breakups and hurt feelings. It made sense, so I believed it.

  3. Even modern Mormons banned polygamy, and they were the last hold-outs. Therefore, it must have been wrong.
It never occurred to me that polyamory could actually work until AFTER we opened our marriage and I experienced it first hand. I expected everything to blow up, just like they prophesied in high school biology, but it didn't. It worked, and very well at that. I was a little pissed off that I was misled in biology class and believed them so readily.

Still, I was conflicted in my heart. I accepted that polyamory was viable but wasn't sure if it was for me.

My big turning point was when I realized a relationship doesn't need to be EXCLUSIVE in order to be DEVOTED and COMMITTED. What I crave are devoted relationships, not something casual. And the fact that I can have more than one was a wonderful revelation. I now realize that monogamy was just a means to being in a devoted relationship, but not the only means.

I married my college sweetheart and soulmate, we have a family, we're still together, always will be, and we're also polyamorous in a committed "V". I hope the three of us grow old together, and even add another along the way. I love large families. :D
 
It's not hard when people are willing to listen beyond their prejudices and stereotypes. But if not, well douchebags are douchy.
 
Sorry to hear that the people you're making friends with only have knee-jerk reactions instead of learning for themselves what you're talking about.

I wouldn't worry too much though; the college experience is still fresh. You could always look up poly groups in the area, maybe, or more forums, things like that. A way for you to be around like minds.
 
I'm actually so glad I found this wonderful place. Being pushed back into my closet has been so lonely and desperate for my little trio. Every time I get rejected by my dates it feels so horrible that I can just feel the door getting thicker and harder to push aside. I actually started calling them just to stop feeling so lonely.

Have you ever felt like the love you once had in your heart is slowly dying...
 
Rflor said:
I'm actually so glad I found this wonderful place. Being pushed back into my closet has been so lonely and desperate for my little trio. Every time I get rejected by my dates it feels so horrible that I can just feel the door getting thicker and harder to push aside. I actually started calling them just to stop feeling so lonely.

Have you ever felt like the love you once had in your heart is slowly dying...
Click to expand...

Only when I wasn't actively loving myself. Only when I forgot to nurture all the love in my life. Unlike my houseplants, the love I get and the love I give both respond well to my TLC. :) I make an effort to be more present. Mostly I have difficulties when I presume things that aren't necessarily true. I give myself a little time to wallow, then drag myself home to reality.
 
Re (from Rflor):
"The friends I've made here at college are all fine with me being bi and with the few flings I've had, but when I have ever brought up anything about poly it's almost as if nothing could change their minds. They say there's no such thing as polyamory, that it's just a way for 'whores and sluts to get away with doing more than one dick or hole.'"
Click to expand...

But yet they're okay with (you being bi and) the flings that you've had? That's odd.

Re (from Rflor):
"I don't want to be labeled a cheater by having relationships without consent, that's not how I've ever done things ..."
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Well, people can sometimes be stubborn about their opinions, so you may not have a choice. It's not like you can *make* them listen to you. (You *are* limiting your relationships to just those knowingly consented to by all directly- and/or indirectly-connected parties, right?)

Re (from AutumnalTone):
"Sounds to me like you need to meet more people and find some friends who aren't so inflexible."
Click to expand...

Yes, I'd shoot for that if at all possible.

Re (from DevotedGeek):
"In high school biology class, I was taught that people are hard-wired for monogamy ..."
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What?? What business does anyone have teaching something like that in high school biology class? Grrrrr ... :mad:

Re (from DevotedGeek):
"I married my college sweetheart and soulmate, we have a family, we're still together, always will be, and we're also polyamorous in a committed 'V.'"
Click to expand...

Well that's good to hear.

@ Rflor: If anyone's willing to hear you out, you could direct them to Franklin Veaux's poly pages ... or to this website here (Polyamory.com). Or both. Also there's a cool book you could refer them to: Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino. And even if they're not willing to check any of those things out, you should check them out yourself. They might help you get ideas of how to answer people when they ask you questions.

But people have to be somewhat willing to listen in the first place before you can reason with them. Sorry you're experiencing this loneliness and rejection right now. :(
 
This may sound like an overreaction, but have you considered changing colleges?

Some colleges just have a more conservative social climate than others. You don't have to stay at the same college; you can look into transferring to another college. Maybe one with a bigger LGBTQ (etc) community?

I think you need to find an environment where people don't refer to sexual women as "sluts and whores." Come on, that's not normal where I come from.

Or, if you have to stay at the same college for financial/logistical reasons, are there other colleges in the area that you could socialize at? Are you in a good-size city that might have its own poly community?

At the very least, try harder to make a different set of friends at this college.

Speaking as someone who dropped out of college for a year and then transferred elsewhere--it was traumatic at the time, but in the long run, I should have transferred much sooner.
 
Every monogamous person I've mentioned it to (with the exception of one girl I know that wanted to date me) has said that it's not for them but more power to them. Sounds like your friends are not very mature yet.

Let's focus on college stereotypes for a moment. College is the time when you are free, wild, and crazy. You figure out if you're really bi, gay, straight. You go to parties and get hammered and sleep around and are unfaithful and a cheater or a "slut" or whatever. You're unethical, immoral, and so on. Why is all of this okay but wanting to add feelings, emotion, honesty, and love into the mix so wrong?

As far as "wanting more than one dick or hole". Yeah, so? I like variety and I have the capacity to love/fuck more than one person. Why is that wrong or getting away with anything? Sex is wonderful. I love it. Why limit yourself if you're mentally capable of handling the situations where you AREN'T limited?
 
Meera, where there are Gen Y students in the US, there are probably people calling women "sluts and whores". I attended a ritzy rural school and a more urban community college, and I heard the same things. My generation grew up watching porn online and seems to think, simultaneously, that:

a) Girls (never women) owe them whatever porn stars do and
b) Girls who do these things are sluts and whores.

Both colleges I attended had a healthy, strong LGBTQ community. But I encountered poly soonest in (dysfunctional) practice at the first school... the rural enclave. (End of first semester, and there were STDs spread because nobody thought about safer sex. There but for the grace of pickiness go I...) The only experience I had with poly at my second school was being unicorn-hunted, just before graduation, and I do mean with weeks if not days to go.

I've transferred schools a total of five times, between four schools. It's tiresome and it delays the getting of a degree. The closest I got to leaving because of the social climate was the first one, and frankly I draw the line when Security doesn't bat an eyelash over drunk-ass undergraduates picking my lock, you know? So unless OP is fearing for hir safety, it's probably not time to go.
 
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