Is my partner abusive?

[Tinwen]

Then there's my other problem: The fucking biggest hit of NRE I ever experienced. Because of Ron. I also first thought he does not want to see me anymore after he let me know he doesn't want to be a wedge between Max and me. But well... Since we've met, we've talked almost every day on the phone for an hour. So he decided he still wants to see me again, to talk about exactly these fears.

A friend of his kept him in check yesterday though, and told him to maybe take some time for himself before continuing to become infatuated with me. So it was actually Ron who cancelled our plans of meeting yesterday. This I did not tell Max. I simply said I won't see Ron today anymore anyhow.

My problem is that I am questioning everything I always thought about how I want to be with someone - if that makes any sense? I'm sure some of you must have experienced an NRE phase like this at least once in their life. One that challenges everything. When I think of Ron, I want to leave Max if he is in the way of being with Ron! (Which scares me and might be reason why I am fighting even harder for fixing my relationship with Max) And further: I never wanted kids in my life - and suddenly I can imagine myself being in a parent situation with Ron and even wanting kids?! Like wtf!! That's so not me! Or so I thought? I'm in my thirties, I thought I knew myself!

And now Ron is pulling away, of course, and I am yearning for him, and hurting from Max, and am scared of falling into a scheme of leaving one guy for another, resulting in broken hearts galore one year later down the road.

I wish I could sober up, and at the same time I want to drown in this energy. Ron is not in town until Wednesday evening. I guess we won't talk until he's back.

Oh no.
Yes, I've been through this kind of "way too much, way too early" NRE. It destroyed my monogamous relationship and I've been dating Idealist ever since.
I've had quite intense feelings for some other men too - they didn't uproot my life, but were certainly strong enough to destroy my focus on anything else for a while.
I, too, wish I had a switch-off button! So badly!

You should know one thing - the image of Ron you have now is not real. Your imagination is playing tricks on you, making you fantasise about him as the ideal partner, or just someone he isn't. (During my last NRE I had some of the same sexual fantasies I had when I first met Idealist. Reasoning with myself and double-checking with the little actual info I had about the man, I had to laugh. It was so much not him ) Falling in love intensely doesn't mean someone is actually a good partner overall for you. It's not to be 100% trusted.

But the other thing is - it's important! I believe intense NRE means great potential is being revealed. What kind of potential? Hard to say.
He might be having an inner quality that you desperately need to experience or develop for yourself.
There may be relationship compatibility.
Or perhaps this is an opportunity, a lifeline that those parts of yourself that want to leave Max are holding on. A hope for a profound change.
It's just something in there is important to you, perhaps to your development. Look! You have already started to change, to see yourself in a new light! Who is this person that maybe wants a family? Would you like to get to know her?
I do believe NRE always points to something profound, it's just not superficially obvious what it is. It definitely goes to your core, to your own source of life energy. That's to be cherished.

Fake or profound, this kind of NRE will make it very hard to work on repairing your relationship with your current partner. Even under the best of conditions, very understanding partners will still take it personally and feel cast aside, all kinds of insecurities triggered. You do not have the best of conditions. Your partner feels like he needs control over the situation, and he's got none over these feelings.

I don't like this update to your situation, because whatever you make of it, it's gonna be an intense ride. Let's hope for a good overall outcome.

Have you ever experienced intense NRE before?

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad it helps you some.

would be ethical to ask for a private session with our couples therapist to address my doubts and get her feedback? She certainly has a good picture of us and how we emotionally respond to each other.

You can ask the couple therapist and the individual therapist. They will let you know if it's ok or not according to their policies.

But now this sentence (What has Ron to do with this?) is the hooking point for Max and sole proof how delusional I am.

This is why I suggest you stop telling him new things. It's just new fuel for him to twist. I'm not saying to lie or be inauthentic. I'm saying... Do nothing. Stop reacting/responding to whatever Max is doing. Do not add more info or stimulus.

Take a time out until the next appointment to cool off, gather yourself, seek professional counsel before you engage with him again.

Talk to your counselors about appropriate next steps in your situation. This too too big/layered for internet people to help you with.

Galagirl

 

[MoPoly]

Having been married to a controlling narcissist in the past, reading this thread gave me the shivers. @Rosalindsbaby I do agree with Galagirl and Magdyln that Max is very controlling, manipulative and, personally, I would run for the hills. I tried for 9 years to be everything he wanted me to be but ultimately I was never ‘good enough’. What a waste of 9 years. Now that I am in wonderful relationships with healthy people it’s hard to imagine why I stayed so long. Life is too short to be in a bad relationship!

 

[Rosalindsbaby]

Hello dear people, Update after our big talk last night! But first of all thanks again for still giving advice and being there in the comments, it’s been helping tremendously to keep my emotions in check. As well did. talking to some close friends those past days (but as I said, none of them are poly).

I decided I feel safest to be myself and stay rooted in my own flat. Max would have preferred a neutral place outside, but agreed my reasons were valid and came over. (Galagirl, I don’t feel unsafe around this man, although I appreciate the concerns.)

Overall I managed to stay surprisingly focused. I had to cry in between, but it didn’t go into the stages where I couldn’t think clearly anymore because of it. Just stress release crying and such. This gave space for being actually angry with Max as well. I made very clear that I don’t want to play blame games or keep score who’s right in anything, and also not to attack each other - but he could still feel my resentment through and through. And that’s a big problem for how to continue.

Max‘s ideas about an open relationship is very colored by the ideas our monogamous society values. We should have talked IN DETAIL about those values long long ago, and then again and again; minimum every year. And not let things progress in their own way merely thinking we „get“ the other when we are on such different ships actually. Max basically says it is an equal relationship because I would have the right at any given time to ask for him to stop seeing one of his other partners for a period of time if I need it. He doesn’t get why I would never „need“ such a thing though, but then agrees on the same hand that if this need would stem from insecurities I‘d rather work on those instead of dictating my partners other relationships. It’s so hilarious… Because he also admits he will probably never be as „cool“ with other people as I am, and therefore there will always be an imbalance in between us.

I of course would agree to certain things Max needs for this relationship to work on his terms, such as: not texting him or telling on the phone about another person, as he needs to have this info in private and with tact for his available space at the given moment.

On the other hand, there are basics I can’t wrap my head around if I will ever be able to have a healthy relationship with him if he asks that I really do check in with him before EVERY TIME I want to see Ron, e.g.! I don’t get to decide on my own. He wants the veto power. I get that maybe this could shift if the thing with Ron would really continue and we would really grow more into a relationship - Max could eventually learn to trust my decision making in when and whether to see Ron. But especially during this NRE it would be crucial for me to be able to enjoy this and not be in permanent guilt for disappointing either of these men (and myself, of course!).

For fuck's sake, I love Max. In many ways we are sooo good for each other! But how could this ever work with such unequal views on being poly? And with his lack of trust? So we did not break up last night. There’s still lots to talk about, we are very aware that if these conversations don’t lead anywhere more hopeful we both want to end this relationship. But I feel more hopeful today as I have finally made the first steps to get out of my pattern of just bending and twisting myself into behaviors and apologies to avoid his shutting-himself-off. He also did a good job at not walling himself in. We both seem to try very hard to break these patterns, but are still lost on where we can land together. That’s the update from the front of unhappy poly relationship land! Thanks for reading. <3

 

[Tinwen]

You can't make poly work if your insecure partner can veto every date.

From a practical point of view, maybe a schedule could help both people? Like reserve one specific date evening, and another spare one if plans fall through, otherwise used for your personal friends and stuff, so you going out is not "out of the blue" for him?
Have you been linked this article?

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-skipped-step-full-article.157088/

Trouble is, even if you can do a practical solution like this, they are not on board re poly values, and if they are truly controling, they never will be.

I get that people are sometimes not on their best when it comes to non-monogamy, possessiveness kicks in, and then it's a tough decision to stay closed, in a uneven structure, or part ways. But if these patterns manifest in other areas of your life, I too think you should leave.

 

[GalaGirl]

This sounds like a really important conversation for you. The fact that you were able to stay present, feel your anger, and not just fold into apologizing or smoothing things over for Max so he's comfy— that’s a big deal.

It also sounds like you’re realizing that love alone isn’t enough for a healthy, sustainable relationship. Other factors— shared values, compatibilities, and clear agreements— matter a lot. In your case, you and Max do not share the same values around polyamory.

YOU

• Poly practice: Trust-based
• Autonomy: Each person decides independently about when and how to see others
• Permission: No need to ask before seeing others
• Veto power: None. Partners don’t control, pause, or approve each other’s relationships
• Handling insecurity: Work on it internally, don’t restrict a partner
• Trust: Assumes partners can make good choices without oversight
• Hierarchy: Little to none. Other relationships aren’t subordinate by default
• Freedom: Able to engage with others without guilt, permission-seeking, or pre-approval
• Fairness framing: Fairness is based on equal autonomy. Neither partner has authority over the other’s relationships
• Comfort priority: Discomfort is handled individually, not by restricting a partner’s freedom

MAX

• Poly practice: control/reassurance-based
• Autonomy: Shared/limited—decisions involve partner input
• Permission: Expected check-ins before seeing others to get permission
• Veto power: Present. Partners can pause/stop outside relationships
• Handling insecurity: Managed by setting limits on partner’s behavior
• Trust: Conditional. Needs reassurance structures in place in order to give limited trust
• Hierarchy: Present. The relationship with Max is primary. This relationship can override others
• Freedom: Some allowed, but within boundaries that maintain his comfort
• Fairness framing: Control is seen as “equal” because both partners technically have the same veto rights, even though Max would use it more
• Comfort priority: Poly structure is designed to reduce his discomfort, even if it restricts his partner

It’s clear you and Max operate from very different models of polyamory. Recognizing this difference is key. It helps you see whether this relationship can realistically meet your needs, or if the gap is too big to bridge.

I love Max. In many ways, we are sooo good for each other! But how could this ever work with such unequal views on being poly? And with his lack of trust? So we did not break up last night. There’s still lots to talk about. We are very aware that if these conversations don’t lead anywhere more hopeful we both want to end this relationship.

You both seem realistic that love alone isn’t enough; shared values and compatibilities matter. You don’t really have that, so if the next conversations aren’t more hopeful, it’s okay to let this go, rather than drag it out.

We should have talked IN DETAIL about those values long long ago, and then again and again; minimum every year. And not let things progress in their own way merely thinking we „get“ the other, when we are on such different ships, actually.

I wanted to lift that up, because it seems important, as you move into future relationships, whether you stay with Max or not. NRE excitement may have glossed over these discussions at the beginning with Max, but from now on, having these conversations with partners is crucial for building relationships that truly work for you.

Galagirl

 

[Sisilisko]

I hope you're well.

Have read this very accurate description of why it's difficult to break up when the partner is not doing any one easily identifiable evil thing but rather there are lots of minor ones: https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/R3eDrDoX8LisKgGZe/sum-threshold-attacks

I don't know what's the right choice for you (or for me, for that matter). I wish you wisdom and good luck!