Is poly maybe not for me?

[Bissell]

Hi, I'm new on here. I've been in my first poly relationship for 5 months now and I'm still wondering if poly relationships are for me. 5 months ago I met a woman from an online dating site and after several conversations back and forth she told me that she was Poly and seeing two other men (one in town, one long distance). At the time I was absolutely fine with this. I had never been in a poly relationship before, but I was very open to it. When we eventually met we hit it off instantly and then spent a lot of time together (even now at this point we are in contact daily in some form or another). Within a few weeks I was already jealous of the other men she had relationships with and was having a desire to be mono with her. I was able to work through those issues rather quickly, in part I think because I started seeing someone else too and things felt balanced. Everything was really great for two months and I felt like poly was for me. I was getting these very different and amazing experiences from two amazing women and it was wonderful. I felt energized. But then suddenly out of nowhere I started having anxiety that the first woman was loosing interest in me. I asked her about it and she was surprised I would even think that. And while she gave me plenty of examples of her affection, that initial feeling I had lead to me to becoming needy and dependent on her. I started overcompensating. Unfortunately, now it's to the point that the same conversation keeps coming up whenever we are together and it seems all we talk about now is this conflict in our relationship. It's taken the fun out of it, yet I still have very strong feelings for her and she says she does for me. It's reached the point now that we have not had sex for a month, because she feels like she needs to "hold back" until we are no longer having this issue. I've tried my best to work on this, but last night we spent the night together and she got into bed naked and I thought maybe it was a sign that she was interested in sex again, when she denied my advance I started to feel depressed and rejected and sad for the turn our relationship took. While we are still close, there is a new distance there and I wonder if for me it's amplified by the fact this is a poly relationship.

Thanks in advance for any comments or advice you have. It's appreciated.

 

[LoveBunny]

But then suddenly out of nowhere I started having anxiety that the first woman was loosing interest in me. I asked her about it and she was surprised I would even think that. And while she gave me plenty of examples of her affection, that initial feeling I had lead to me to becoming needy and dependent on her. I started overcompensating. Unfortunately, now it's to the point that the same conversation keeps coming up whenever we are together and it seems all we talk about now is this conflict in our relationship. It's taken the fun out of it, yet I still have very strong feelings for her and she says she does for me. It's reached the point now that we have not had sex for a month, because she feels like she needs to "hold back" until we are no longer having this issue. I've tried my best to work on this, but last night we spent the night together and she got into bed naked and I thought maybe it was a sign that she was interested in sex again, when she denied my advance I started to feel depressed and rejected and sad for the turn our relationship took.

Was it truly "out of nowhere," this feeling she was losing interest? Or has she been spending less time with you, acting less available, seeming more aloof? I know what she says, but what does she do?

I'd be suspicious of someone who feel the need to "hold back" because I was asking for reassurance. Sounds like she's punishing you for expressing your needs. I'd also be very upset if someone I desired got into bed naked beside me, then spurned my sexual advances. Sounds slightly sadistic, actually. Perhaps you should be heeding your own intuition.

Maybe I'm paranoid, but I've encountered "bait and switch" relationships, and the "switch" seems to occur after 3 to 5 months, where the person hooks you in with a lot of attention, but then once you're hooked, they pull back to make you struggle to regain their attention. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, I'm just saying it's something to watch out for. You might not be getting all insecure because of polyamory, but because you're sensing some emotion missing in your partner.

 

[Bissell]

Was it truly "out of nowhere," this feeling she was losing interest? Or has she been spending less time with you, acting less available, seeming more aloof? I know what she says, but what does she do?

I honestly feel like I've maybe made that up in my head, because the poly relationship makes me feel insecure maybe? Her availability has remained the same. In fact, until this recent stuff happened we had even upped the amount of time we see each other each week.

I'd be suspicious of someone who feel the need to "hold back" because I was asking for reassurance. Sounds like she's punishing you for expressing your needs.

Well, to be honest I was asking for reassurance often. I pushed to much on that front.

I'd also be very upset if someone I desired got into bed naked beside me, then spurned my sexual advances. Sounds slightly sadistic, actually. Perhaps you should be heeding your own intuition.

We talked about this. She thought it was a good middle ground. When I told her it was a confusing signal she then apologized and put some clothes on. Although, she did again come into the bedroom nude after taking a shower in the morning.

 

[GreenAcres]

We talked about this. She thought it was a good middle ground. When I told her it was a confusing signal she then apologized and put some clothes on. Although, she did again come into the bedroom nude after taking a shower in the morning.

Regarding nudity, do you guys have the same ideas about nudity always being sexual? For some people, myself included, nudity isn't necessarily an offer of sex, it's just the state I am in between my shower and getting dressed for my day. It's also how I sleep, whether I am up for sex or not. I'm not into casual nudity with strangers, but with people I am in intimate relationships with, it's just a state of being. I wouldn't think twice about them being naked in bed, and don't take it as an automatic indicator of a desire for sex. Just as being clothed doesn't mean I am not up for sex.

This may not be the case for her, and maybe she is trying to send mixed signals or something, but it's worth considering that maybe you've conflated nudity = sex signals?

 

[Bissell]

Regarding nudity, do you guys have the same ideas about nudity always being sexual? For some people, myself included, nudity isn't necessarily an offer of sex, it's just the state I am in between my shower and getting dressed for my day. It's also how I sleep, whether I am up for sex or not. I'm not into casual nudity with strangers, but with people I am in intimate relationships with, it's just a state of being. I wouldn't think twice about them being naked in bed, and don't take it as an automatic indicator of a desire for sex. Just as being clothed doesn't mean I am not up for sex.

This may not be the case for her, and maybe she is trying to send mixed signals or something, but it's worth considering that maybe you've conflated nudity = sex signals?

It seems to be 50/50 for her. Sometimes she sleeps nude, sometimes she doesn't. In the past the only times we have not had sex when we spent the night together was when we had been out all night and got home very late. Last night we were in bed by 9pm. She is certainly confident with her body. It's one of the things I like about her. She has no issue being nude, but it seemed like not the best idea given the circumstances.

 

[GreenAcres]

It seems to be 50/50 for her. Sometimes she sleeps nude, sometimes she doesn't. In the past the only times we have not had sex when we spent the night together was when we had been out all night and got home very late. Last night we were in bed by 9pm. She is certainly confident with her body. It's one of the things I like about her. She has no issue being nude, but it seemed like not the best idea given the circumstances.

Unfortunately, you're taking your feelings about what you would do and how you would feel in a situation and and expecting her to mind-read them, then act the same way you would. A much better way to handle it in the future would be to just ask "hey, hon, are you up for sex tonight?" If nudity is too much for you to handle without sex, then that is another point for discussion.

If you generally have sex at night, and it didn't happen, but she wears clothes and doesn't when sleeping about equally, her being nude wasn't the issue (as you have sex equally, whether she is nude or clothed at bedtime). So, nudity isn't the "signal" she's interested in sex. The issue was that presumption that nudity = sex, and the disappointment when that (unspoken, erroneous) expectation wasn't met.It seems you two have an issue of expectations, how situations are handled, etc. that could be a really useful discussion.

 

[GreenAcres]

Overall, it seems like there are some large disconnects in your relationship. She says she's still into you. You can:

- take her at her word, and have a discussion about what behaviors would be meaningful to you in showing you that.
- believe she is lying to you, and leave the relationship

It is unclear whether poly is the problem, or whether it's the communication and behavior expectations. If you are unsure about poly, you could decide it's not for you and pursue other partners who prefer mono. Or, you can continue to try poly, but really work on your communication (actually, that latter is always good, regardless of relationship structure).

 

[opalescent]

I don't think this has much to do with her behavior at all. Poly will expose every insecurity, fear and anxiety one has about relationships. Sounds like you ran into some tough feelings. That totally makes sense. But it's how one handles those tough feelings. It's not her job to fix your painful feelings. You are the only one who can do that. Why did you get needy? Why anxious when things seemed to be going well? Why did you get insecure? It is likely that there is something within yourself that is welling up. You are reacting like these painful feelings are your partner's to fix. They are not. She can and should be supportive but this is up to you to deal with.

If you are not up to doing personal work, then, no, poly is not a good fit for you. It's not that poly is more 'evolved' than monogamy - it's not - but to do it well requires willingness to face and cope with some hard emotions.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Poly will expose every insecurity, fear and anxiety one has about relationships.

THIS

There's no amount of signs, signals, reassurance, sex or affection from a partner that can soothe insecurity. Yes, words or signals from another may temporarily alleviate you of your anxiety, but your fears will always return. It's not her work to fix you, as opalescent says. The good news is that this is very fixable. You're never stuck with how you are and a person can do a lot to alleviate insecurity and fears in relationships. But the first important step is to take your focus off of your vigilance of her behavior, her words, the thoughts you imagine her having, for that is a mine field of anxiety. There are many ways to divert your focus to a more positive development of YOU. Your entire social world will change, not just your intimate relationships, when you let go of your painful self-talk and allow well being to flow.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I was able to work through those issues rather quickly, in part I think because I started seeing someone else too and things felt balanced. Everything was really great for two months and I felt like poly was for me. I was getting these very different and amazing experiences from two amazing women and it was wonderful. I felt energized.

Did something change? What happened to you other GF?

NRE wears off somewhere between 6 mos. and 24 mos. You are 5 mos in, so maybe it is that? The "hormone highs" of New Relationship Energy are wearing off, and you feel anxious because you don't know what else is holding you guys together now? Is that it? You need REASSURANCE and want to hear from her that she's in this long term and you are not some fling?

What is your need at this time? Reassurance? Commitment? Stability? Something else? Can you circle? Maybe that helps you articulate.

Could page 5 and 6 help? Is she willing to do those with you?

Another thought... first feelings/thoughts can be wrong. If I wake in the night and wig that there is a burglar in the corner? And then reassess and see it was tree shadow coming in from the window? I can change my thoughts/feelings about the situation. I can go "Whew! Glad I was wrong!" It isn't like first thoughts/feelings are ALWAYS right.

Is this a case of that? You had a bugaboo thought and need help letting it go? If you are busy looking for doom in the shadows, you will find it. How about looking for solid stuff instead? Doing some self-reassuring? Are the things she points out true? Can you find them for yourself when you have bugaboo thoughts?

It's reached the point now that we have not had sex for a month, because she feels like she needs to "hold back" until we are no longer having this issue.

Maybe she means she doesn't feel sexy if there's problems to solve first. I get that. But she could just SAY she doesn't feel sexy when there's problems to solve first, and do her part of solving them so you know she's still in it.

Because it comes across weird expressed like that. Like sex is being used like the "prize" for having non-issues...like sex is a tool for her. It comes off like "I want to have sex with you, but I have to hold back because there's still issues between us because of YOU." And she's the Queen who "grants or takes away." Skewed power dynamic. Which is kinda "ew." I hope it isn't that.

I hope you can figure out what it is and find peace.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

 

[Bissell]

Thanks everyone for the advice and thoughts. It's been very helpful to read and think about. Like was mentioned in the last few posts I definitely have been having some insecurity issues and leaning on her to much for reassurance, which obviously isn't fair to her. I just can't seem to break that cycle, especially with her pulling back the way she did.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I just can't seem to break that cycle, especially with her pulling back the way she did.

She likely pulled back because she sensed you were leaning on her way too much. We can always feel when someone is asking us to make things better in ways that we at heart cannot influence. You probably do feel that you can't break the cycle, but you actually can. Telling you how to do it would fall into the Preaching category, but everyone has the ability to improve his/her experience of life. We all kind of make excuses for each other, but there is really no such things as being stuck in anything. This relationship is actually doing you a huge service by showing you where you can start working to make some truly lasting positive changes from within that will improve your entire life, not just this one association.

 

[Bissell]

Because it comes across weird expressed like that. Like sex is being used like the "prize" for having non-issues...like sex is a tool for her. It comes off like "I want to have sex with you, but I have to hold back because there's still issues between us because of YOU." And she's the Queen who "grants or takes away." Skewed power dynamic. Which is kinda "ew." I hope it isn't that.

Granted I am causing the issue in our relationship, but It's honestly feeling a little like that, since sex is really the only thing that's been taken off the table.

 

[Inyourendo]

I honestly feel like I've maybe made that up in my head, because the poly relationship makes me feel insecure maybe? Her availability has remained the same. In fact, until this recent stuff happened we had even upped the amount of
Well, to be honest I was asking for reassurance often. I pushed to much on that front.




We talked about this. She thought it was a good middle ground. When I told her it was a confusing signal she then apologized and put some clothes on. Although, she did again come into the bedroom nude after taking a shower in the morning.

Why doesn't she want to have sex with you?

Eta: ok I see where you wrote the why. basically it seems to me that until you act the way she wants you to she's not going to have sex with you. Yeah if I had a partner that was withholding sex from me I definitely would not want them getting naked around me that seems very cruel. in my opinion. I probably wouldn't be doing sleepovers either.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Bissell,

Is poly for you? Perhaps another way to ask that is, Do you truly believe that your girlfriend (the first woman) can love you wholeheartedly even if she loves two other men as well?

So how would you answer that question?

I'm going to assume that the recent lack of sex is due to her thinking you might break up with her, therefore she doesn't want to be as intimately involved with you as usual. Which I guess would be her way of protecting herself.

Though if she is using sex as a prize for good behavior (e.g. more confidence on your part), that's rather crappy of her.

It's just that I don't think the sex issue is the main issue on which you should meditate. The main issue is whether you truly believe a person (e.g. your girlfriend) can truly love (and be in love with) more than one person (e.g. you) at a time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Bissell]

Hi Bissell,

Is poly for you? Perhaps another way to ask that is, Do you truly believe that your girlfriend (the first woman) can love you wholeheartedly even if she loves two other men as well?

So how would you answer that question?

I went into this knowing there was no such thing as a finite amount of love. Plus, my experience being in a 2nd relationship has taught me that as well. So while you bring up a really good point, I'm not sure if it's the main issue for me. It's more an issue of does being in a poly relationship meet all my needs. And as I'm starting to figure out my needs may be hard for anyone to meet, because there is a lot of personal work that I've not done for myself.

 

[central]

I went into this knowing there was no such thing as a finite amount of love. Plus, my experience being in a 2nd relationship has taught me that as well.

I agree. There is, however, a finite amount of time, and it can get complicated deciding how and with whom to spend it.

I have a primary relationship that fills most of my time, and a secondary that involves a small amount (she has other relationships so this works well for us). For me and my primary partner, the only other arrangement that would probably work would be to live with someone(s) so that time together is more shared and less divided. That raises a whole bunch of other issues that would have to be figured out, but would be worth doing if we found one or more people who were compatible and willing.

 

[kdt26417]

If there's any way we can help, let us know.

 

[opalescent]

I'm rather disturbed that so many responses focused on her not having, or not wanting sex with the OP. She is not obligated to have sex at any time, with any one.

Look, I don't know how the OP comes across to his girlfriend. I don't know how she reacted, or is reacting.

I do know how I would react in a similar situation. There is no faster way to kill my lady boner than to be extremely needy and demanding. I'm not talking about the normal, everyday reassurance and love tank filling. I mean excessive, super focused, unconscious driving NEED. That just tanks my desire for that person. I recognize when I will be unable to resolve this need for them because whatever I am offering is not really what they need. There is something internal going on that is ultimately separate from any relationship we may have. I can't help.

And not only can't I not help, being physical around, being sexual, being intimate with a person in this state is extremely draining for me. It's like being near a black hole that is sucking away one's energy. Black holes are not sexy! There is a cost to being around someone like this. No, they do not mean harm, in fact, they are in great pain. But I, for one, cannot be sexual with someone who is a black hole of need. Until they focus on what is really going on with them and start to address it, I will lack desire for them. I don't need everything to be 'fixed'. The energy changes when people realize they need to look inward to resolve their neediness - my body and mind respond to that. I am not 'withholding' to get them to change. I am trying to save myself from a hurtful situation.

It is possible the OP's girlfriend reacted in a similar fashion. I have no way of knowing. Maybe she is using sex as a bludgeon to get him to do something about his neediness. Or maybe her libido is shutting down towards him.

Either way, focusing on her and her actions is not particularly helpful for the OP, in my opinion. Neediness, excessive dependency, and fear are often self-fulfilling in that they can drive away the very person one loves and wants around. Dropping libido can be a sign this is happening. How to address it? Honestly, it might be too late. The damage might be done. But it does sound like the OP is recognizing that working on himself is key and that is encouraging. I hope that continues regardless of if this relationship survives, or if he decides poly is, or isn't, for him.

 

[KC43]

I agree with Opalescent that Bissell's girlfriend has the right to have or not have sex. I think the other posters in this thread are responding to how her choice not to have sex with him has apparently been phrased.

"I don't feel sexually attracted to you when you're this clingy and needy, so I'd like to take sex off the table until we've sorted out some other things"... Personally, that's something I would be okay with hearing. It's constructive, and it doesn't come across as blamey or ultimatumish. It identifies the specific problem, the result of the problem, and at least hints at a resolution worked on by both parties.

"You're too clingy and needy, and I'm not having sex with you until you fix yourself" *is* blamey and ultimatumish, at least in my perception. It identifies the other *person* as the problem and doesn't offer any constructive or positive possibilities. Nor does it take any share in helping to resolve the problem.

If Bissell's girlfriend has said something along the lines of the second example, then it does sound a bit like she's dangling the sex carrot in front of him to make him do what she wants.

Bissell, you say you're causing the issues in the relationship. I disagree. Your behavior might be the root of the issues, but if there are two people in a relationship, there are two contributors to any issues. A relationship is a collaboration, not a solo effort.

If you believe your behavior is the largest factor in the current issues, working on changing that behavior is a wise choice--as long as you're making those changes for YOU, not for your girlfriend. In my experience, at least, changing for someone else doesn't tend to work out well, and it often doesn't stick. But if you recognize a problem and choose to correct it because YOU see it as a problem and believe you need to make a change, you're benefiting yourself and the change is more likely to be maintained.