According to my recent observations on the forum, there seems to be two types of poly people:
-those who are poly by choice
-those who are poly because they are
You keep coming at things "either/or."
I think sometimes it can be "both/and." One can feel polyamorous on the inside. As in, capable of loving more than one. AND they could choose to be single and not participate in
any dating or relationship models sometimes. AND they could choose to participate in poly, swinging, monogamy, kink -- whatever relationship shapes is they choose to get themselves into other times. They are even free to pick ill-fitting things if they want.
But how other people are and what they choose to do doesn't really answer who YOU are and what YOU want to be doing at this time. Only you can answer that.
So I don't think going off on tangents will bring any clarity for your situation. Because you have specific problems to solve.
And then, if poly is a choice, how can you explain I can't be contented in a monogamous relationship and would rather choose to be if I could?
I have greyed out the poly part. Because what matters is YOU.
You sound like you are looking for the "reason" why you are unhappy. To me feelings ensue
after behavior.
If I stick my hand on a hot stove? (behavior) I get a burned hand and feel pain. (result)
If you choose to participate in monogamous things you do not actually want? (behavior) You are not happy doing that behavior because this isn't what you want. (result)
You DO have a choice. You can STOP participating/behaving like that. See if new feelings ensue.
How can mono relationships even be considered as successful (happy) if it's a choice (therefore choosing to be happy)?
People that are happy in monogamous relationships WANT monogamous relationships. Their odds for happiness are greater because they are at least "starting out in the right store." It is possible for people to want monogamy, and seek out a monogamous relationship and wind up not happy. Because simply "shopping at the right store" is not enough. There are other factors to deep compatibility. But it helps to start out initially compatible so there's more of a chance at happiness.
You are looking for non-monogamy from inside a monogamous marriage. You are shopping for something that isn't even sold here. Expecting happiness there? Might not be realistic or even likely. Your wife seems pretty firm on what she wants.
All relating is a choice to me. In fact, several layered choices.
For my spouse and I to be together?
- I have to choose to want to be partnered. (general)
- I have to choose to be partnered to him. (specific)
- He has to choose to want to be partnered. (general)
- He has to choose to be partnered to me. (specific.)
All those have to line up for it to happen. I can want to be partnered AND want to be partnered to him and he can want to be partnered. But if he doesn't want that partner to be
me? The thing still isn't going to fly. And even if all the initial toggles line up... if we are not ALSO deeply compatible in other ways, it won't fly very long. It won't be deeply compatible.
I could be wrong but you seem to have these "toggles"
from your other post:
- You want to be partnered. (In general. Because you fear being alone.)
- You don't necessarily want to be partnered with Wife. You care about her, but the marriage is meh. And you do not want monogamy.
- You don't want to cheat any more. DADT agreement kinda solves that, but you know wife still considers it cheating. So it is STILL not the kind of Open/non-mongamy you want to be doing. It's a "don't tell me when you go cheat" agreement. It is not a "We have an Open marriage, I'm cool with it. Just don't me telling me about your other relationships" agreement. You are finding that this distinction matters to you.
- You don't necessarily want to be partnered with LDR GF. She thinks you are separated but you actually are not. She's also expecting eventual monogamy with HER. Which you are not keen on.
Basically you choose to do stuff you don't really want mostly to not end up alone. You aren't esp comfortable saying that "out loud" but it sounds like that's pretty much where it is.
Now you are trying to figure out what to do next.
You were hoping to have a "soft exit" -- to leave wife for LDR GF and skip the being alone part and go practice nonmongamy with the new GF. But sounds like the LDR GF
also expects eventual monogamy. So... Wrong kind of GF for the soft exit plan.
The choices I can see are:
1) End it with wife and LDR GF and plump for actual non-monogamy (which you want) + Being alone for a while as you heal and then date again (which is the part you don't like about this choice. Being alone for a while.)
2) Skip being alone (which you like) + stick with a meh marriage (which you do not want.)
3) Skip being alone (which you like) + stick with a LDR GF who eventually wants monogamy (which you do not want.)
4) Find an open/poly GF person to do the "soft exit" with + so you do not have to be alone while breaking up with wife.
You would have to be more honest with this one -- that you are in a mess, and trying to break out and seek more honest/authentic non-monogamy. To make this easier you might break up with the LDR GF first. REDUCE the mess some.
Which stinks least? To make your life easier you could just grey out the choices that you just don't want. That gets rid of 2 and 3.
I would plump for 1 because it sorts things out faster.
4 would take longer to do than 1. And who you attract to that sort of murky situation? Might not be a healthy person. And the wife is still getting the short of the stick all this time.
So I would say the first choice is the least stinky and the most healthy at this time.
(Healthy relating) or (unhealthy relating) are behavior choices people can
do. Happiness is a potential outcome. I think
healthy relating is more conducive to happiness. Not guaranteed, but more likely end up happy doing healthy relating than doing unhealthy relating.
If you are being honest with yourself? I don't think you have a healthy marriage and I don't think the LDR GF relationhip is esp healthy either.
You don't seem to have a healthy relationship with yourself if you do stuff you don't really want to be doing. You could firm that up.
I want to have a serious debate about this, because I think it's going to help me finding clear answers to my questioning.
I don't think anyone can debate you because (what you really want) and (what you are actually willing to do to achieve it) and (how ethical you want to be WHILE achieving it) are things you have to sort out FOR YOURSELF.
You seem to be moving toward wanting more honesty and more authenticity. If so?
Start practicing it even if it feels hard.
Stop going around and around in circles with it. You are trying to find the "win" choice in here, when really it is more like "All the choices stink. Which one stinks the least?"
I would say... pay the price of admission and go for choice 1. Be alone for a while, clean up your life, and then start looking for non-monogamy again but more honest and up front this time.
And if not that? Then choice 4, but do get ON with it. Change your life and change your way of going so you have a better chance at happiness.
Galagirl
, I have put them in their own thread.
