Is there a word for this? Demisexuality? Narcissism?

M

MsEmotional

Member
I don't know what my deal is, but I'm trying to parse it. Today I have been wondering whether I am demisexual or something. But when I read the description of it, it doesn't really sound like me. Not sure if there's another word for this kind of feeling....

I have a friend, Laptop, who I have had kind of a romantic/sexual interest in. We have really great conversations about polyamory and our relationships with our partners. He has been really helpful to me throughout this first year of navigating my relationship with Ponytail. And there is kind of a physical chemistry that I have felt too.

Twice now (back in January for a few weeks and then again last week), we have considered adding a physical element to our relationship. After hooking up last week, we decided to get on the same page. I said I valued our friendship and wanted wanted to add a physical intimacy to our friendship. He said the same. Done. Easy peasy.

But in the past few days, I have been feeling insecure about how he feels about me. This doesn't seem to make much sense -- I don't have strong romantic feelings for him, so why do I care that he doesn't have strong romantic feelings for me? I have tried to challenge myself and ask myself whether I really want something different/more from him. I imagine him wanting a more involved relationship and I get immediately turned off by the idea. I think what I really and truly want is exactly what we've agreed to.

So why do I feel so weird about it?

I realized that I have never been sexual with anyone who wasn't infatuated with me. Like, even my "Friends with Benefits" relationships were, in fact, with guys who very clearly wanted a relationship with me and were just "settling" for FWB. Laptop and I aren't like that, though. We both have our other relationships and are really only looking for friendship and sex. And somehow I am just not totally comfortable with that situation, even though I really do think it is what I want.

So then I started to wonder about demisexuality. Like, maybe I can't really be sexual with someone without some level of love. But the thing is, I can. I mean, I had like 15-20 orgasms when I was with him last week.

And then I realized that I have no issues with the feelings I have for Laptop -- the feelings that I have for him are in congruence with the things I want to do to/with him. But it is hard for me to feel secure about having a sexual relationship with someone who isn't giving me puppy dog eyes. Like, it makes me feel like I cannot trust him....even though I KNOW that I don't give him puppy dog eyes either.

Is he respectful? Yes. Does he care about my comfort and pleasure? Yes. Do I enjoy spending time with him? Yes. Do I appreciate our conversations? Yes. Do I want to be his friend? Yes. Do I want to have sex with him? Yes. Do I want a relationship with him? No.

So why do I feel so bad that he feels the same way about me?

So I am now wondering if I am a narcissist? Or just a hypocrite? Or maybe I am power-hungry? Is there a non-negative way of viewing this type of feeling?

Has anyone experienced this before?
 
Hi MsE,

I am thinking this is just a new dynamic for you, and you are not used to it yet. Give yourself some time, and things will probably get better. It seems that you want a FWB dynamic with Laptop, you have never had that with someone who didn't want more. The old normal is gone, the new normal is not yet here. Give yourself some time, and patience.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Just because you can orgasm with him doesn’t mean that Demi isn’t off the table. Being demisexual wouldn’t make it so that you don’t orgasm, but it could make you feel uncomfortable with the dynamic of the relationship. It could be that there isn’t enough emotional involvement on either end of the relationship and it’s making you uneasy. This is going to sound weird and I don’t know if every person who is Demi feels this way but do you feel uneasy in your stomach when you think about it? Like just a feeling of uneasy and kinda of barfy?
 
Polyglamorous said:
Just because you can orgasm with him doesn’t mean that Demi isn’t off the table. Being demisexual wouldn’t make it so that you don’t orgasm, but it could make you feel uncomfortable with the dynamic of the relationship. It could be that there isn’t enough emotional involvement on either end of the relationship and it’s making you uneasy. This is going to sound weird and I don’t know if every person who is Demi feels this way but do you feel uneasy in your stomach when you think about it? Like just a feeling of uneasy and kinda of barfy?
Click to expand...

Yes!

Hmmmm.... So does this mean that this is just my nature and there's nothing I can do about it? Should I tell Laptop?

Or is it something that eases with more experience, like Kevin alluded to?
 
I can’t answer that one. Personally I would stop, I don’t like feeling uncomfortable, BUT the whole idea of polyamory is based around feeling uncomfortable and dissecting the reason. It also may boil down to your philosophy’s on sex. If you feel you could eveytually achieve comfort with a causal sexual relationship then you should continue. If you feel this is something you are settling with (the uneasy feeling) you may want to start discussing it with laptop.
 
As I mentioned in response to your blog post on this topic, it's possible that you are used to, and more comfortable, when you derive a certain amount/type of "power" from your intimate relationships with men. From what I've gleaned about you, MsEmotional, you tend to be more dominant and gravitate towards men who are more submissive. Not that there is anything wrong with that - it's just you.

With Laptop, that dynamic is largely absent. He can "take or leave" the romance and even the sexual interaction with you. He isn't "in love" or fawning all over you. I don't think it makes you a narcissist that you feel more comfortable in a relationship/fwb situation in which emotions are involved on either side, especially the guy's... however that power dynamic might just be something that you enjoy for its own sake, or because it's in your nature.

It MAY mean you are demisexual to some extent... however, I'd be more inclined to believe this if YOU were the one who needed to feel "love" towards LapTop before you could feel comfortable pursuing something physical with him. It's still possible though. I think Polyglamorous made some good points in that regard.

I had another thought about your conundrum: In the absence of any true romantic interest coming from Laptop (a scenario you've admitted you're not used to in your relationships), you may simply be feeling insecure about where you stand with him, and your position in his life.

i.e. Subconsciously, you may feel there is nothing "tying" you two together: not love, no shared home or children - and therefore Laptop is free to leave whenever he wants. Sure, he can anyway if he's so inclined - anybody can leave anyone without rhyme or reason - however, in your experience, the "emotional tie" that comes with having a partner/fwb love you and pine for you, is in itself a kind of guarantee or unspoken commitment that the guy won't be going anywhere in a hurry. You don't have this reassurance with Laptop, and it makes you uneasy.
 
Lots for me to ponder and discuss with my therapist. And then probably Laptop too. Thank you everyone!
 
On a macro level, what Kevin said.

More to the point, I think Lunabunny's take explains what's going on very well. You may have learned in life to derive security from a sense of ownership (cf. the dom/sub dynamics with Ponytail). If Laptop enters a relationship with you as a free agent, independent, not bound by overwhelming feelings for you, this dynamic is absent. You are not familiar with it and it feels strange and precarious. Insecurity ensues.

I'd say don't start with self-blame, by calling yourself a narcissist or hypocrite; I don't think this helps. Rather, this is a very good opportunity for further introspection. It could point to an insecure attachment style (which really a very common thing, and nothing to be ashamed of because it crops up from an early time in our infancy/childhood when we had no control whatsoever) that you have so far dealt with within the dom/sub dynamics. It could be well worth it to see if you can tackle it on a deeper level.
 
A few thoughts:

1) I wouldn't attempt to start slapping a label like demi-sexual on yourself based on some feelings from just 1 experience with 1 person. If you were to date around and find a recurring pattern, sure, see if that fits a label and then go for it. But you're trying to put yourself in a general box regarding your whole state of being and how you relationship just based on this 1 person, and that that's just setting yourself up to then turn around and start questioning that label the moment you do something that contradicts it.

2) There's a big difference between you being comfortable with your own feelings of wanting a FWB dynamic with someone and you being comfortable with someone else's feelings of wanting a FWB dynamic with you... and that's PERSPECTIVE. You know exactly how you feel and you can be confident in those feelings and know that you definitely don't want more, but that you still respect and care for your friend, and that if things change down the road and you don't want the benefits anymore, you still would be friends, etc. You know exactly the risks and rewards of your OWN intent and desires. But when someone else wants those same things of you... how can you be SURE that they want the same thing? That they're not later going to want more than you can give? That if being FWB doesn't work out that it's not going to destroy the friendship? blah blah blah. They're not your feelings, so that means that it automatically can cause doubt and requires a certain amount of trust to believe that the other person really is on the same page. So the disparity in how you feel could just be a matter of knowing how you feel vs only hearing how he feels vs being able to know 100%.

3) Are you feelings of discomfort here enough to make you pull back to just friends, or are they just some feels that you need to let yourself have, but also keep doing what you're doing and see if they go away on their own. This is new, so once you know it's really not going to be a big thing like you don't want it to be, your feelings of discomfort might just sorta naturally die down and go away. And if not, then that's also worth consideration.
 
breathemusic said:
A few thoughts:

1) I wouldn't attempt to start slapping a label like demi-sexual on yourself based on some feelings from just 1 experience with 1 person. If you were to date around and find a recurring pattern, sure, see if that fits a label and then go for it. But you're trying to put yourself in a general box regarding your whole state of being and how you relationship just based on this 1 person, and that that's just setting yourself up to then turn around and start questioning that label the moment you do something that contradicts it.

2) There's a big difference between you being comfortable with your own feelings of wanting a FWB dynamic with someone and you being comfortable with someone else's feelings of wanting a FWB dynamic with you... and that's PERSPECTIVE. You know exactly how you feel and you can be confident in those feelings and know that you definitely don't want more, but that you still respect and care for your friend, and that if things change down the road and you don't want the benefits anymore, you still would be friends, etc. You know exactly the risks and rewards of your OWN intent and desires. But when someone else wants those same things of you... how can you be SURE that they want the same thing? That they're not later going to want more than you can give? That if being FWB doesn't work out that it's not going to destroy the friendship? blah blah blah. They're not your feelings, so that means that it automatically can cause doubt and requires a certain amount of trust to believe that the other person really is on the same page. So the disparity in how you feel could just be a matter of knowing how you feel vs only hearing how he feels vs being able to know 100%.

3) Are you feelings of discomfort here enough to make you pull back to just friends, or are they just some feels that you need to let yourself have, but also keep doing what you're doing and see if they go away on their own. This is new, so once you know it's really not going to be a big thing like you don't want it to be, your feelings of discomfort might just sorta naturally die down and go away. And if not, then that's also worth consideration.
Click to expand...

I’ve been pondering this a lot too. Like, whether I should pull back or whether I should just relax and see if the discomfort passes. Or maybe if I should ask that we slow down, but not stop.

Ironically, what I want most is to talk to Laptop about this. If he weren’t the person involved, he would be the one I would go to to talk about it, process it, and decide what to do next. In a way, my instinct is to just talk to him about it like I would if I were having these feelings about another friend/lover. I feel like he would give me good guidance if he were not involved. But I am not sure whether I can still do that if he’s, you know, the catalyst for my feelings.
 
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