Is this a common problem in the poly world or are we just picking the wrong people???

My husband and I opened our marriage just a few months shy of 3 years ago. We realized fairly quickly that we are/can be poly. We love it. We get our needs met by being with multiple people. Even more of a plus if we all get along greatly. If not then it's workable, to a certain extent.

The issue...we seem to get attached to nonpoly/mono folk. Thing is, these people have stated beforehand that they ARE poly. We think, AWESOME it'll work out this time. No it doesn't. It ends brutally. Hearts broken and major letdowns.

Husband's first gf, stated she was definitely poly. Had some poly background. Not much but neither did we. NRE took over and suddenly she wants a mono relationship with him and to boot me out of the picture. Complete with telling some of the local poly peeps that my husband was gunna leave me for her!

His second gf, they just recently broke up. She also had a poly background(more than the first gf did actually) Once again NRE escalates and the mono side comes out. To the point that she tells hubby he should basically divorce me to be with her.

My bf. Stated he was poly. Didn't have a poly background but I gave it a shot. Everything was spectacular. Until my husband follows 2nd gfs advice about a divorce.

Divorce didn't happen, we reconciled and are back on track with a healthy relationship. Bf doesn't like how much my husband hurt me emotionally during that period and suddenly a switch flipped and he says he is no longer poly and wants mono with me. Even after I have stated multiple times that I cannot do that. The thought of another man touching me in an intimate way repulses and angers him.

WTF are we doing wrong? These people stated they were poly. Some with poly backgrounds! We are tired of putting our love, feelings, time, energy, hearts and emotions into these relationships and getting blindsided with a mono outcome!
 
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Wow, that's quite a long streak of things not turning out as planned. Sorry it's been a rough ride so far. All I can think of is that maybe you and your hubs get too deeply involved too soon, without getting to know each person very well before making big commitments or baring heart and soul. Perhaps you both just need to pace yourselves and date others casually and slowly, so that you really get a sense of who they are before going "all in." Some folks aren't as adept at reading people well enough to detect when things are off or whether or not they would be a fair match, and this may be the case with you and hubs -- so taking things much more slowly might help. Does that make sense?
 
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It does help. But it still hurts. Me and bf have been together for 2 and a half years. I truly love him but getting him to understand that I CAN and do love both he and my husband as equals is exhausting. He wants to be my primary but I can't do that.

My husband and his now ex gf, were together for 2 years. It may not seem like much to some people but that's a long time to invest in someone. He loves her kids too and is worried how this will affect them also.

I'm really good at first impressions but I must admit that I'm an extremely caring person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it usually comes back to bite me in the butt.
 
I think it partly depends where you are finding these people. I haven't had this issue with women. But I've heard from several women that a lot of guys (on okc at least) say they are poly to get laid but once a relationship develops, the mono side comes out.

Is there a poly community that you can dip into to find partners? My experience has been that members of the community have more experience at poly relationships. And you can get references so to speak. For example, myself, I am friends with most of my past lovers. Not all, but most.
 
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I wonder if your age may be playing a part?

I spent most of my 30s single, having come out of a long relationship that lasted for the whole of my 20s. I was very happy being single but I found other people didn't like it. They were uneasy that I wasn't looking for a husband and worried that I might get too old to have children. No matter how many times I said that I'd never get married anyway and have no desire to have children, the pressure remained. Friends would offer to set me up with their friends. They'd ask me if I worried about having a lonely old age. They'd tell me that I'd be happier with a partner.

If you are in your 20s, 30s or even 40s and are meeting people of similar ages, it is likely that they are experiencing similar pressures. It is likely too that they will want to get married and have children - the vast majority of people do.

If they do, they will find their pool of potential partners shrunk enormously if they commit themselves to remaining poly - since most people aren't open to it. Lack of opportunity to find a husband/wife and to have children may be playing a part in them eventually asking you and your husband to become mono with them and then backing off altogether when you won't do that.

For lots of people poly may be a thing that they do for periods of their life but not something they are willing to commit their life to. They may find in time that there are other things they want more than multiple romantic partners.

Just a thought.
 
I think it partly depends where you are finding these people. I haven't had this issue with women. But I've heard from several women that a lot of guys (on okc at least) say they are poly to get laid but once a relationship develops, the mono side comes out.

Is there a poly community that you can dip into to find partners? My experience has been that members of the community have more experience at poly relationships. And you can get references so to speak. For example, myself, I am friends with most of my past lovers. Not all, but most.

Yeah I've come across several guys who claim their poly is dadt. I don't do that, not comforting at all. Or I quickly find out that it's only sex they want and no relationship at all. Not my cup of tea either.

As far as our poly community, it's a big dramafest. We've tried to reach out to some of the local groups and they are just childish and immature. Hubby's recent ex is a part of that community too and just as childish. She claims its the little in her but there is a line to draw to some extent. (No pun intended)
 
I wonder if your age may be playing a part?

I spent most of my 30s single, having come out of a long relationship that lasted for the whole of my 20s. I was very happy being single but I found other people didn't like it. They were uneasy that I wasn't looking for a husband and worried that I might get too old to have children. No matter how many times I said that I'd never get married anyway and have no desire to have children, the pressure remained. Friends would offer to set me up with their friends. They'd ask me if I worried about having a lonely old age. They'd tell me that I'd be happier with a partner.

If you are in your 20s, 30s or even 40s and are meeting people of similar ages, it is likely that they are experiencing similar pressures. It is likely too that they will want to get married and have children - the vast majority of people do.

If they do, they will find their pool of potential partners shrunk enormously if they commit themselves to remaining poly - since most people aren't open to it. Lack of opportunity to find a husband/wife and to have children may be playing a part in them eventually asking you and your husband to become mono with them and then backing off altogether when you won't do that.

For lots of people poly may be a thing that they do for periods of their life but not something they are willing to commit their life to. They may find in time that there are other things they want more than multiple romantic partners.

Just a thought.

This seems very much true! We are all close in age, in our early 30's. Husband's ex wanted marriage, legally. My bf was totally against it until me and my husband were facing divorce then suddenly that's what he wanted. He claims he never found anyone he felt that way with and that's why he was so against it, but somehow found the idea of it with me extremely appealing.

I on the other hand, am happy to be married to my husband and to do a commitment ceremony with bf. Bf doesn't really want that and it bothers me.

All of our views of these relationships have changed so dramatically over the last year and a half.
 
Wow that's tough, and you are brave to explore this.

Beloved and I waited until the NRE was starting to wind down before we entered a physical relationship. It was HARD to be patient, the attraction was so strong. We used that time to date, get to know each other, talk about boundaries and logistics. I was also close with LP and she was included in this, although Beloved and I did have our own individual time.

It was so worth it. By the time we became intimate the love was so very strong and we knew it was true. It was about 3 months from the time we started realizing we wanted to have a relationship. It's lasted, and although we all three have still gone through issues, the love and commitment was sustained and it got us through those times.
 
This seems very much true! We are all close in age, in our early 30's.

Early 30s is very much a time when people will have marry, have children and do family type stuff.

This totally sucks for you because you are wanting to do things differently. It's really tough. I wonder if joining a poly group and seeking partners from among a pool who are committed to doing things differently in a similar way would help?
 
Or starting your own group?

Keep in mind that to find someone who is compatible long term with you takes meeting many new people and getting to know a promising subset of those and trying a relationship with a subset of THOSE. So the more people you meet and get to know without too much emphasis on "Must Start Romance ASAP" the more likely you are to find someone who is looking for what you have to offer.


Leetah
 
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Another thing to consider is what you, and your husband are telling your partners about each other. I had an experience where an ex would always vent to me about his wife. I spent years listening to how frustrated, and unhappy he was in his marriage.

Even though strongly believe in not taking one side of an argument for gospel, it got to a point where I really wanted him to leave her. I never suggested that he divorce his wife, but the constant complaints did not endear his spouse to me.

Could it be that you're both painting such a negative picture of the other, that your partners push you to end things with your primaries. People who care about you would not want to see you maintaining a painful relationship.

It may not even be that they're mono. After years of hearing how horrible his spouse was, I had similar thoughts, and desires. I've been poly my entire dating life, and I don't want to cohabitate with anyone. I would've promised him monogamy, even though it's against my nature.
 
Or starting your own group?

Keep in mind that to find someone who is compatible long term with you takes meeting many new people and getting to know a promising subset of those and trying a relationship with a subset of THOSE. So the more people you meet and get to know without too much emphasis on "Must Start Romance ASAP" the more likely you are to find someone who is looking for what you have to offer.


Leetah

Early 30s is very much a time when people will have marry, have children and do family type stuff.

This totally sucks for you because you are wanting to do things differently. It's really tough. I wonder if joining a poly group and seeking partners from among a pool who are committed to doing things differently in a similar way would help?



Both of these are really good responses, thank you!
 
Another thing to consider is what you, and your husband are telling your partners about each other. I had an experience where an ex would always vent to me about his wife. I spent years listening to how frustrated, and unhappy he was in his marriage.

Even though strongly believe in not taking one side of an argument for gospel, it got to a point where I really wanted him to leave her. I never suggested that he divorce his wife, but the constant complaints did not endear his spouse to me.

Could it be that you're both painting such a negative picture of the other, that your partners push you to end things with your primaries. People who care about you would not want to see you maintaining a painful relationship.

It may not even be that they're mono. After years of hearing how horrible his spouse was, I had similar thoughts, and desires. I've been poly my entire dating life, and I don't want to cohabitate with anyone. I would've promised him monogamy, even though it's against my nature.

Trash talking was a major issue (which was resolved during our reconciliation) BUT if hubby or I ever tried to talk great about each other, jealousy would happen. It was like a damned if you do and damned if you don't kinda situation.
 
Trash talking was a major issue (which was resolved during our reconciliation) BUT if hubby or I ever tried to talk great about each other, jealousy would happen. It was like a damned if you do and damned if you don't kinda situation.

So, how about not talking about each other and your relationships to other partners? While I definitely don't do DADT, I also don't have any interest in hearing details about my partner's relationships with their metas beyond whatever impacts me (scheduling, etc.). Aside from "my husband/wife is aware I am dating, we're poly, and we have X,Y, and Z agreements (if there are agreements)," why do you need to talk about each other to your other partners?
 
Trash talking was a major issue (which was resolved during our reconciliation) BUT if hubby or I ever tried to talk great about each other, jealousy would happen. It was like a damned if you do and damned if you don't kinda situation.

So, how about not talking about each other and your relationships to other partners?

I was thinking about this tonight - I can relate to your other partners, Daddysboogerbaby, because I get stressed hearing too much about my partners' other relationships. Jealous if I'm hearing too much positive stuff, angry on my partner's behalf if I hear too much negative stuff.

It's the hardest part of poly, for me, drawing boundaries around what I want to hear and what I'm comfortable with them sharing about ~our~ relationship. I want to be a supportive partner, but at the same time, there's a lot of things I'd rather NOT know.
 
Hi Daddysboogerbaby,

It sounds like you have had some bad luck, including picking some people from local poly groups. I think that you just have to learn by experience what to look out for. Some people will claim to be experienced poly just to get their foot in the door.

I hope you have better luck in the future.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
His second gf... also had a poly background.... Once again NRE escalates and the mono side comes out. To the point that she tells hubby he should basically divorce me to be with her.

My bf. Stated he was poly. Didn't have a poly background but I gave it a shot. Everything was spectacular. Until my husband follows 2nd gfs advice about a divorce.

WTF are we doing wrong? These people stated they were poly. Some with poly backgrounds! We are tired of putting our love, feelings, time, energy, hearts and emotions into these relationships and getting blindsided with a mono outcome!

Another thing to consider is what you, and your husband are telling your partners about each other. I had an experience where an ex would always vent to me about his wife. I spent years listening to how frustrated, and unhappy he was in his marriage.

....it got to a point where I really wanted him to leave her. I never suggested that he divorce his wife, but the constant complaints did not endear his spouse to me.

Could it be that you're both painting such a negative picture of the other, that your partners push you to end things with your primaries. People who care about you would not want to see you maintaining a painful relationship.

My experience is the same. I never wished for XBH to leave his wife for my sake. But when he himself started to drop hints that suggested she was using him, I finally started to wish he'd leave her for his sake.

I now wonder how much of his 'hint-dropping' was deliberate manipulation to get me to stay, designed exactly to make me think I had a future with him. But EVERY single time I have hoped they get divorced, it has been when he himself is telling me how unhappy he is--and I know it's partly because he's carrying the entire weight of their joint lives, from the hint-dropping he did while we were together.

Apart from whether you and your husband are bad-mouthing each other, I think it's human nature to want more with someone when you're in love. Yes, they may have believed in poly in theory, but I can my life's experience tells me there are men I'd happily 'be poly' with, and men who leave me so content in every respect I would never want anyone else and would have no desire to 'be poly' anymore.
 
I am sorry you are going through this. The key, I've learned, is digging a bit deeper. See how much experience people have, test them, etc.

The thing is, people WILL lie about this, just like anything else. You have to feel them out. There are plenty of people who enter this community for nefarious reasons, and actual poly people get caught in the crosshairs.
 
I am sorry you are going through this. The key, I've learned, is digging a bit deeper. See how much experience people have, test them, etc.

The thing is, people WILL lie about this, just like anything else. You have to feel them out. There are plenty of people who enter this community for nefarious reasons, and actual poly people get caught in the crosshairs.

On the flip side...my XBF and his wife had been practicing poly...or open marriage...for 15 years when I met him. I left the experience feeling his wife was riddled with insecurities and jealousies and fears and that he was less than honest about what was really happening, and believing that I, the newcomer, 'did poly' far better than the two of them did.

The more I learned, the more I realized that in those 15 years of doing poly, he had never actually had a girlfriend longer than 18 months...18 months as the longest relationship in 15 years! And he had NEVER ONCE had an actual in person relationship of ANY length. The 'long term' girlfriends he'd had had all, without fail, been very very very long distance. so far they were no threat at all to his wife.

I don't think years of experience necessarily translates into doing poly well. And I don't think it's a case of 'lying.' I think my XBF saw what he wanted to see, convinced himself of what he needed to, to continue having relationships to fill the void left while his wife was/is off with other men. I think he doesn't *want* to see the real dynamics in their relationship. And I think people are often too complex to boil it down to simple motives.
 
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