Is this an abusive relationship?

T

taytay85

New member
My primary and I have had a rough road. It started before I moved from Washington state to California to be with him. We met online, and dated long-distance for about a year. We discussed polyamory the entire time, and how we were going to practice it.

Unfortunately, he had already been seeing another woman without my knowledge. That relationship continued as I was moving here. I became pregnant. Their relationship continued. Then it ended when I had a miscarriage. I recognize now that whenever he contacted her it was when I was having a problem coping with the pregnancy and really needed him. I only found out about the other relationship right before I had the miscarriage.

The other woman had no idea I didn't know.

We went to counseling for a brief time, but the therapy was unrelated to his hidden relationship, as I still hadn't found out about his other girlfriend.

He apologized, yet stressed (I am paraphrasing) that it was my fault, because "I wasn’t as progressed as he is in polyamory; I should have had better reactions; so he had to lie."

His ex gf/friend, told me he did the same thing when they were primaries. That doesn’t sit well with me.

I dated briefly in the beginning of our relationship, but stopped when our problems started. Our problems have been huge. I have been so irritated with his constant need to criticize me, and how he looks for hidden meaning behind my words, that I almost ended the relationship two weeks ago. He told me he didn't want that to happen, so he suggested counseling (yes, again) as an alternative.

Since then, he has not put any work into our relationship. Currently he is talking to yet another woman, Rebecca. He was forthcoming, and even gave me her number when I asked if I could meet her.

However, our relationship is in the gutter. We aren’t intimate. We don’t talk about us. But he has time to plan a date with Rebecca. I asked him last night if he felt this was a good time to get to know Rebecca. He immediately shut down and began to mope and mutter under his breath.

I have been accused of wanting monogamy. I've been accused of trying to close our relationship until it is perfect and the new one is. He says I've been playing head games.

Can you please make sense of this? I'd really appreciate any feedback I can get. I made a lot of sacrifices to be with him and I want to give this one last shot.
 
First, let me say that I am relatively new to polyamory, as we have only recently opened our relationship. So for what it’s worth, here's my opinion:

taytay85 said:
Unfortunately, he had already been seeing another woman, and the relationship continued through me moving here. I became pregnant. Their relationship continued. It ended when I had a miscarriage. I recognize now that whenever he contacted her, it was when I was having a problem coping with pregnancy and really needed him. I only found out about the other relationship right before I had the miscarriage. The other woman had no idea I didn't know. We went to counseling for a brief time, but the therapy was unrelated to his hidden relationship, as I still hadn't found out about his other girlfriend.

He apologized, yet stressed, "I wasn’t as progressed as he is in poly; I should have had better reactions; so he had to lie."
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This is my first area of concern. The basic premise of polyamory (as I understand it) is to be honest with all partners, and to move at the pace of the slowest partner. So for him to (1) withhold information about his other relationship, and (2) to move faster that he thinks you are ready for, are both areas where it seems fair for you to be concerned about the health of your relationship with him. But when he begins to blame you for the relationship shortcomings which were caused by him not being forthcoming and honest about other relationships he was also in is a red flag.

taytay85 said:
I dated briefly in the beginning of our relationship, but stopped when our problems started. Our problems have been huge. I have been so irritated with his constant need to criticize me and looks for hidden meaning behind my words that I almost ended the relationship 2 weeks ago. He told me he didn't want that to happen, so he suggested counseling (yes, again) as an alternative. Since then, he has not put any work into our relationship.
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Counseling only works when all parties agree that they share in the insufficiencies in the relationship and are all willing to put forth the efforts needed to rebuild the relationship

taytay85 said:
Currently he is talking to another woman, Rebecca. He was forthcoming, and even gave me her number when I asked if I could meet her. However, our relationship is in the gutter. We aren’t intimate. We don’t talk about us. But he has time to plan a date with Rebecca. I asked him last night if he felt this was a good time to get to know her.

I have been accused of wanting monogamy, accused of trying to close our relationship until it is perfect and the new one is, told that I am playing head games.
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Asking for time (alone) with him, to focus on the relationship you share before beginning a new one sounds pretty fair to me. Even in a monogamous relationship, there are times when you need to put aside outside distractions to focus on rebuilding a healthy relationship with your partner. Perfection is unattainable, and it is unfair for either of you to expect it from each other, but as you say, you are currently experiencing poor communication, and no intimacy: the lack of these in any relationship should be of a concern to all involved.

I am not going to act as judge and jury and tell you this is or isn't an abusive relationship, because I honestly don't know. You are going to have to do a bit of soul searching and come up with an answer for yourself. And you may find that its not abusive, but still be a relationship that you no longer want a part of because you've discovered it is too far gone and is no longer worth saving.

I will recommend going to counseling for you, without him. It sounds like you need an objective listener to help you work through these questions and concerns. From my own experience, I do suggest a counselor, and not a family member or friend. You wouldn't want to ruin any of those relationships by accident.
 
Most polyamorous people are decent, but that doesn't mean there are never wackos hiding in there.

It is normal, when changing relationship models, to have struggles and maybe experience some poly-hell feelings. You two could talk about it. You could ask him to tend to both of his partners decently through the transition time to the "new normal" that is stable. But he didn't, did he?

If he's just it it for his own "cookies" (benefits), and not so much that of his partners, be leery. He lies to both of you. Leaves info out. Treats you that way when you're pregnant. Shifts the blame for his poor conduct onto others. This is not a stellar dating partner, hon. :( It seems he tends to put you down and treat your poorly.

I am not there. I don't know if there's more, but some of his conduct is definitely not good.

If you are wondering if you are being abused, do you need an assessment tool? Here you go. Measure his behaviors against this sheet, specifically sections 1, 2, and 10.

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Tactics-Murphy-2010.pdf

Does anything there ping for you?

You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness. You could review his behavior with a healthy skepticism. That's no way to conduct a relationship ("polyamorous" or not). That's no way to treat a pregnant person. That's for sure!

If he is indeed treating you poorly at an abusive level, you could make plans to leave, safely and carefully.
 
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I'm also new to polyamory, but my understanding is that honesty/consent/respect for each other's boundaries are central to making a polyamorous relationship work.

By your account, he was not honest with you about seeing other people. A lie of omission is still a lie! While you did consent to a poly relationship, you did not consent to him hiding his other relationships from you, and abandoning you while pregnant to be with one of his other partners when you needed him. And he did not treat what I am assuming are your boundaries (honesty, being there when you need him) with respect.

Abusive or not, this is toxic.

Furthermore, he sounds like he lacks the emotional maturity to have an adult relationship, regardless of whether it is poly or mono: he doesn't validate/show empathy for your feelings; he shuts down communication if it is about something he doesn't want to hear.

He FREAKING LEAVES YOU TO BE WITH ANOTHER PARTNER WHILE YOU ARE PREGNANT AND NEED HIS SUPPORT!! That one is causing me to get mad on your behalf! If you impregnate somebody, you should be available to support them through the process.

And instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, he blames/criticizes you for your normal reactions to his abnormal amount of bullshit.

Also, let me guess-- the couples therapy he wants to go to, it's supposed to help you adjust to and learn to cope with the way he is behaving, instead of teaching the both of you how to communicate assertively, reflectively listen to one another, and work towards win-win situations, isn't it? If I'm right, that's just another way for him to avoid accepting responsibility for his actions, and avoid sacrificing anything to make you feel more secure and valued in this relationship. <ahem> emotionally immature <ahem>

The icing on the cake is that he had the nerve to say you are playing mind games. Honey, that is called "projection." Instead of acknowledging that he is the one who is fucking with your head, he is trying to pin it on you. Or, I guess he could just be delusional and actually believe that he is in the right...

Either way, is it worth it? As the mother of my first long-term boyfriend once told me, "You never want to raise your husband." That goes for primary partners, too. You can't force him to wear his big-boy pants and act like an emotionally-mature adult. That's for him to come to terms with, if he ever does.
 
taytay85 said:
My primary and I have had a rough road. It started before I moved from Washington state to California to be with him. We met on-line, dated long distance for about a year and the entire time discussed poly and how we were going to practice it.

Unfortunately he had already been seeing another woman and the relationship continued through me moving here. I became pregnant, it continued and ended when I had a miscarriage. I recognize now that whenever he contacted her it was when I was having a problem coping with pregnancy and really needed him. I only found out about the other relationship right before I had the miscarriage. The other woman had no idea I didn't know. We went to counseling for a brief time but was unrelated to his hidden relationship as I still hadn't found out about his other girlfriend.

He apologized yet stressed,( I am paraphrasing) that it was my fault because I wasn’t as progressed as he is in poly and I should have had better reactions. So he had to lie.



I have been accused of wanting monogamy, accused of trying to close our relationship until it is perfect and the new one is, I am playing head games.
Can you please make sense of this? I really appreciate any feedback I can get… I made a lot of sacrifices to be with him and I want to give this one last shot.
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You do that. Give the poor guy "one last shot". Maybe he'll change. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't try. After all, you have such a good thing going, you want to make sure you don't throw it all away just because you have your period or one of those other irrational-female diseases.

Let us know how it goes, and say hi to "Rebecca" for me.
 
Boring Guy

I suggest you try to start out fresh, and set some boundaries or "ground rules" about your relationship. That does not mean you want to be only with him, just that you want to have trust between you. If you can't have trust and honestly in a relationship, you have nothing. I have lived it, and promoted dishonesty, and it hurts everyone.
 
When someone comes on for the first time, and writes a post that is nothing but a long list of woe, suffering, and "sacrifice," then ends with "I want to give this one last shot," I must infer that they are doing something right, because... let's put it this way:

If it's cold and rainy and dark, and you're outside naked and hungry and thirsty, and someone walks by, and you ask them, "How can I make this work?" I'd say, "Looks like it's working for you right now."

tl;dr: Seat on chair is broken. Solution: repair legs. Repeat as necessary.
 
You see it as a list of woe, suffering and sacrifice... and your perspective is correct. This has also been my life for the past year and some months. I used to roll my eyes at other people's problems too, until I found myself in this unimaginable situation. I get it now.

Thank you all for your input. You've been most helpful in a situation which, I must admit, I already knew was and is very bad and very abusive.
 
I feel for you, and I know what a difficult spot you are in right now. I was in an abusive relationship and the tactics sound very similar. It can be very hard to disentangle yourself from an abuser. Don't be hard on yourself if you find this very difficult. I ended up at a domestic violence shelter for three weeks. I was instructed not to speak to my abuser, and given education on healthy relationships. The staff would talk to us a lot about our abusers, and the kinds of things that abusers do to manipulate their partners. Framing the man that I loved and was very dependent on as "my abuser" was very helpful to severing my attachment to him. Having zero contact with him was also key.

If you are having difficulty leaving, I suggest seeking out similar support. If you are not in physical danger, you may not be able to get into a shelter, and not all shelters are as awesome as the one I went to. But there are lots of support groups for victims of domestic violence, and they seem to be welcoming even if there is no physical or sexual abuse. Emotional abuse is still abuse, in the eyes of the DV organizations I have come into contact with. They realize that the emotional abuse is the glue that keeps us attached to these people who are very bad for us.

Good luck, and know that there is a lot of support out there for you as you go through this process.
 
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