Is this ok or unfair?

[lemondrops]

Hi!

So my boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. Our relationship at the moment is pretty much monogamous, except for the fact that we know he is actually a polyamorous person. I happen to be mono for sure, though. Nevertheless, we have agreed that if he continues to love me as much as I feel loved right now, then I have nothing against him having more meaningful relationships in the future. If he keeps on loving me, and respecting me, and his new partners respect me, then I will love him just as much as I do at this moment.

The thing that bothers me is that he told me that he will respect my wish to love only him, but he might not like it, and he might prefer girls who want more boys than just him. I actually feel sad and insulted by this. I mean, my love for him will not lessen if he gives me no other reason than just being poly. How come then, will I be punished for loving only him from the bottom of my heart? To me it sounds like having two uncles, both of them being wonderful to you, and then liking the gay uncle less just because he is gay.

I get that in the future my boyfriend might prefer poly girls, just because it's easier, but we are already in love and a great match despite wanting slightly different things, besides wanting each other. I respect him and will love him according to how he treats me. Why does he then basically let me know that me being a mono in a poly relationship lessens his love for me? I feel it is unfair and makes me feel like I should change myself, but I need to feel he loves me for being me.

What is your take on it?

 

[Marcus]

We have agreed that if he continues to love me as much as I feel loved right now, then I have nothing against him having more meaningful relationships in the future. If he keeps on loving me, respecting me, and his new partners respect me, then I will love him just as much as I do at this moment.

Interesting. What's your plan for measuring the progress of these dealbreakers?
1. Him loving you as much as he does right now. What does his love weigh? You'll want to get a very precise scale to make sure there are no fluctuations.
2. His partners respecting you. What is that exactly? They need to capitulate to your will due to your authority? They need to bow when you enter the room? Or they need to be courteous to you like they would be courteous to anyone else?

You've set up some pretty subjective parameters. What's your plan there?

The thing that bothers me is that he told me that he will respect my wish to love only him, but he might not like it. And he might prefer girls who want more boys than just him.

And in 'Merica, it is every man's god-given right to be just as hypocritical as he chooses. If your boyfriend chooses to dump you because you happen to only be interested in one man, then that is his right! Who are you to tell him that he should apply the same sense of acceptance that he demands regarding his personal views to YOU??

I feel it is unfair, and makes me feel like I should change myself, but I need to feel he loves me for being me. What is your take on it?

In all seriousness, while it's not fair, it is his decision to be a hypocrite if he wants to be.

 

[Magdlyn]

"I love you, now change!"

 

[london]

This is how insecurity twists things into things they aren't

Initially, you said your partner expressed a preference for polyamorous women. You've interpreted it as him saying that he will love a poly partner more than you. I saw it as him saying that he wouldn't want to repeat the arduous journey that he took with you. For one, if he took that arduous journey with someone else, it would inevitably impact on his other relationships, namely yours. Maybe he's actually making a very smart, responsible choice and the alternative entails so much unwanted negativity and risk, he'd go as far as state it as a preference.

 

[Marcus]

This is how insecurity twists things into things they aren't.

Who is being insecure? Sounds like the OP has a worldview that their partner doesn't like. It is what it is, but I don't see how that makes the OP insecure.

I saw it as him saying that he wouldn't want to repeat the arduous journey that he took with you. For one, if he took that arduous journey with someone else, it would inevitably impact on his other relationships, namely yours.

Where are you getting this information, london? I reread her post a couple of times to make sure I hadn't just gone nuts, and none of this stuff is in there. Are you referencing other threads, or something?

Maybe he's actually making a very smart, responsible choice and the alternative entails so much unwanted negativity and risk, he'd go as far as state it as a preference.

He's certainly entitled to date the type of person he's interested in. If monogamous girls just don't do it for him, then he is clear to dump them and move on to people who have his exact worldview. That may well be the right decision for him.

Personally, I'm not interested in monogamous people, but that's not because of how many lovers they choose to have; it's because they traditionally don't respect *my* relationship choices. I don't care how many people you date or don't date. Why would that have anything to do with me?

 

[london]

It's all in the OP

In the OP, she reiterated that she was monogamous, "nevertheless" it was agreed that he could see other women under the somewhat vague conditions, which I think you pointed out the issues with earlier in the thread. This, to me, says that there was a battle about this arrangement and there was a sizeable amount of reluctance on the OP's part. Understandable, of course, given the situation. This is what makes me think that insecuity is playing a role here, and it shows in how the OP jumps from her partner saying he has a preference for poly women to an assumption that he would love a poly partner more than her.

I offered my interpretation from the outside. I really took that as him saying that the battle that they went through to get where they are now wasn't an easy or particularly pleasant one and he wouldn't want to repeat it.

He could, of course, mean that he gets sexual gratification from the knowledge that his partners have other partners, and that is why he prefers them. Other than that, and the fact that their relationship style is more compatible, which fits into my initial theory of him wanting to avoid the drama, I can't see any other reason why anyone would express a preference for polyamorous partners.

 

[lemondrops]

Interesting. What's your plan for measuring the progress of these deal-breakers?
1. Him loving you as much as he does right now. What does his love weigh? You'll want to get a very precise scale to make sure there are no fluctuations.
2. His partners respecting you. What is that exactly? They need to capitulate to your will due to your authority? They need to bow when you enter the room? They need to be courteous to you like they would be courteous to anyone else?

You've set up parameters some pretty subjective parameters. What's your plan there?

Well, the plan is actually very simple. Basically, I would like him to stay the same when it comes to our relationship. His other relationships would mostly be his business, but I would not like his polyamorous life to change him so much that it would leave me miserable. When it comes to love, then all I want is for him to be there for me, want a future with me, care about our happiness, and so on, everything I am getting now.

When it comes to respect from him and his partners, what I had in mind is that we should all be aware of each other. For example, him finding another partner should mean that the new partner is aware of my existence and preferably would care about me (not necessary to become friends, but yes, simple courtesy). An example of not respecting me would be sleeping with someone and leading them on without letting the new person know that there already is someone in his life whose feelings should be taken into account.

Initially, you said your partner expressed a preference for polyamorous women. You've interpreted it as him saying that he will love a poly partner more than you. I saw it as him saying that he wouldn't want to repeat the arduous journey that he took with you. For one, if he took that arduous journey with someone else, it would inevitably impact on his other relationships, namely yours. Maybe he's actually making a very smart, responsible choice and the alternative entails so much unwanted negativity and risk, he'd go as far as state it as a preference.

Oh, you have misunderstood something, because that is not what is going on.

Clearly, now we both know that his preference in the future would be polyamorous women, and exactly for the reason that they probably would understand each other better (like Marcus said, this should be the reason for preferring them, not the fact how many partners your partner has or hasn't).

However, I didn't interpret anything, this was our conversation:

Me: So, I am not polyamorous myself, and I probably wouldn't want it, but as I love you and you have talked about it in a way that makes me think that you being polyamorous would be acceptable, I am willing to try it. If I like it, then great. If there are going to be problems (like you neglecting my needs), then we need to talk and rethink. Basically, you have my support.

Him: Oh, ok, that is great, thank you. Trust me, polyamory won't affect our relationship in any bad way, I will try to do my best, at least as much as humanly possible.

Me: That's nice. I hope you accept me and my needs, as well, then? Such as my not needing any other partners besides you and not feeling interested in other men? At least for now, I am 100% monogamous.

Him: Oh. OK, I understand and accept it. But why? Is this some kind of sacrifice? I don't really believe in you wanting that. I can accept it, but I would love you more if you wanted other men besides me.

Me: But how is that fair? If you get the same things from me, not depending on whether I love only you, or you and 2 other guys, then how could this be a problem?

So yeah. I mean, I am totally accepting the fact that, as he is polyamorous, he would prefer polyamorous women from now on. But I mean, let's say your sister likes reading, and you have spent a lot of time together reading. Then you understand that you actually would enjoy football more, and that's the only way in the future you wanna go. Then your sister is sad, confused, but ok with you going and finding a friend to play football with. Then wouldn't it be nice to say, "Thank you. Don't worry, we can still hang out. And I love you for understanding me," not, "Thank you, we can still hang out, but I probably won't love you as much anymore just because you still like to read"?

I mean, I get it if I liked, let's say, killing animals. Then it is only understandable that one's love for such a person would lessen. But claiming that I only want to have one love in my life, and I would like it to be him (without wanting him to change)-- is that really so awful?

 

[london]

Ah you posted after me, I hope you can see why I thought what I thought. I take words literally. Anyhow, given the clarification, I can only suggest it's because he will receive extra gratification from his poly partners in the form of compersion and/or fulfilling a sexual fetish. For some, compersion is a major part of why they practice polyamory. For others, it's a somewhat unexpected bonus. I think you'll already know yourself if it's more sexual reasons. You'll know the signs.

 

[Marcus]

Well, the plan is actually very simple. I basically would like him to stay the same when it comes to our relationship. His other relationships would mostly be his business, but I would not like his polyamorous life to change him so much that it would leave me miserable. When it comes to love, then all I want is for him to be there for me, want a future with me, care about our happiness and so on. Everything I am getting now.

I get what you are saying, but unfortunately, there is no way to predict how people will behave as they change over time. This is the case with monogamous relationships, friendships, family relations, any coupling between humans over a longer period than about a week. People just change, and "becoming poly" isn't a culprit any more than "getting a new job" or "discovering a sexual orientation change." It's a life thing, not a poly thing.

So I would say that, while I can agree that it is desirable to have a loving, supportive, exciting, tantalizing, reasonable, charming, attentive, respectful partner from now until I leave this earth, that doesn't mean I am entitled to it. In fact, the odds are fantastically low.

When it comes to respect from him and his partners, what I had in mind is that we should all be aware of each other. For example, him finding another partner should mean that the new partner is aware of my existence, and preferably would care about me (not necessary to become friends, simple courtesy). An example of not respecting me would be sleeping with someone and leading them on without letting the new person know that there already is someone in his life whose feelings should be taken into account.

I'm sure your boyfriend will let you know what his boundaries are regarding how much you are permitted to interfere in his relationships. Maybe he'll let you set up some ground rules like this for him.

 

[Marcus]

I take words literally. I can only suggest it's because he will receive extra gratification from his poly partners in the form of compersion and/or fulfilling a sexual fetish. I think you'll already know yourself if it's more sexual reasons.

lol, I'm sorry to be on you, london, but what words exactly did you interpret literally to come away with some kind of sexual fetish??? There wasn't a single word which gave any mention of sexual desires (or lack thereof).

I couldn't resist commenting on it again. It cracked me up.

For some, compersion is a major part of why they practice polyamory, for others, it's more a somewhat unexpected bonus. You'll know the signs.

Everyone has different character traits, one of the biggest practical perks of polyamory is not needing to pick one! I am an avid gamer, for example. Inan has exactly zero interest in gaming. It makes no difference.

Needing to break up with someone because they do not have exactly everything I want from a person is a monogamous problem.

 

[Eponine]

However, I didn't interpret anything, this was our conversation:
Me: So, I am not polyamorous myself and I probably wouldn't want it, but as I love you and you have talked about it in a way that makes me think that you being polyamorous would be acceptable, I am willing to try it. If I like it, then great, if there are going to be problems (like you neglecting my needs), then we need to talk and rethink. Basically, you have my support.
Him: Oh, ok, that is great, thank you. Trust me, polyamory won't affect our relationship in any bad way, I will try to do my best, at least as much as humanly possible.
Me: That's nice. I hope you accept me and my needs as well then? Such as my not needing any other partners besides you and not feeling interested in other men? At least for now I am 100% monogamous.
Him: Oh....ok, I understand and accept it. But why? Is this some kind of sacrifice? I don't really believe in you wanting that. I can accept it but I would love you more if you wanted other men besides me.
Me: But how is that fair? If you get the same things from me not depending on whether I love only you or you and 2 other guys then how could this be a problem??

It seems that he doesn't believe monogamy is what you really want. Instead he assumes you're suppressing your desire to be with other men (hence "sacrifice"). I've heard some people say they're just hardwired to be monogamous, and they can't be attracted to people other than their partner. If you're like this, you can tell your boyfriend that you're not sacrificing anything, because loving only one person at a time is natural for you.

I think he wants you to embrace the poly philosophy and love freely, not to sacrifice your natural desires in order to fit in the monogamous norm. But if your natural desire is to be monogamous, then you're already loving freely on your own terms.

 

[london]

I explained already that those are the only two reasons why someone would feel more fondly about a partner who was also polyamorous. I can only think it would be because they get more gratification from them through compersion or sexual gratification. I didn't say that the OP suggested it was sexual gratification. It's just the only other reason I can think of.f

 

[london]

As for compersion, I've found that people with a strong preference for a familial style of polyamory with multiple entanglements of primary type relationships, be it closed or not, list compersion as a motivating influence of their preference. Hence why I said it was a major part of why they are poly. These people seek partners who also want this level of contact between metamours or even for everyone involved to have romantic involvement so they get to experience compersion regularly and firsthand. Not just whilst discussing relationships with their partners or hearing their accounts.

 

[Marcus]

As for compersion, I've found that people with a strong preference for a familial style of polyamory with multiple entanglements of primary type relationships, be it closed or not, list compersion as a motivating influence of their preference. Hence why I said it was a major part of why they are poly. These people seek partners who also want this level of contact between metamours or even for everyone involved to have romantic involvement so they get to experience compersion regularly and firsthand. Not just whilst discussing relationships with their partners or hearing their accounts.

I'm sure there are people who only want to be in relationships with other poly people that currently have outside partners, and that all of the parties involved are emotionally intimate with each other, and experience compersion with all other members involved. Kind of a commune love-fest, I guess.

I love this wild speculation game!

 

[london]

I actually follow a poly blog where the people involved really thrive on this. Especially the female partner. As well as people on some of the other forums I go on having a strong preference for this relationship style. In truth, I found it creepy at first, and a red flag. I saw it as a desire to control these relationships. Now I realise that it's just not for me.

 

[lemondrops]

I actually do not think there is some kind of a sexual fetish going on here. Compersion, however, maybe yes. We have talked a lot about polyamory and this has actually never come up. Plus, if he is going to have several other partners, he can feel compersion with them. I do not really think, though, that let's say his other girlfriend visiting her other boyfriend should make my boyfriend feel all happy and warm inside compared to how me visiting my best friend from childhood while my boyfriend is away should not make him happy for me. Or even more absurd, make him feel "Darn, she is with her nice family right now. Why couldn't she just go and find herself another guy?"

One comment here, that maybe he believes monogamy is not what I truly want, is definitely correct. He has stated several times that it is hard for him to believe that. I have told him that it definitely is, that I can't even imagine developing loving feelings for someone else or, god forbid, be intimate with them. However, thinking of a future with my boyfriend only (plus of course friends and family) is what makes me truly happy.

Another thought I had was that maybe when my boyfriend thinks of going out with another girl in the future, and me being at home enjoying self-time, he feels guilty or weird. Like me not meeting other guys makes him feel bad about meeting other girls. Maybe he is afraid that secretly I must be angry. Because if polyamory is, in his opinion, the way to go, then I must be suppressing my feelings, which he isn't doing, so the relationship is out of balance.

The truth is that I am not suppressing anything. I totally accept that maybe someday I might want to explore polyamory myself, but right now it is not what would make me happy. I wish he would see that him having other girlfriends and me having to force myself into liking other guys would in no way make me happy about us or his polyamory. Him having other girlfriends and me having only him for loving, however, would not make me feel anything negative about polyamory.

 

[Chimera]

... maybe when my boyfriend thinks of going out with another girl in the future, and me being at home enjoying self-time, he feels guilty or weird. Like me not meeting other guys makes him feel bad about meeting other girls. Maybe he is afraid that secretly I must be angry. Because if polyamory is, in his opinion, the way to go, then I must be suppressing my feelings, which he isn't doing, so the relationship is out of balance. The truth is that I am not suppressing anything. I totally accept that maybe someday I might want to explore polyamory myself, but right now it is not what would make me happy. I wish he would see that him having other girlfriends and me having to force myself into liking other guys would in no way make me happy about us or his polyamory.

It sounds like you're onto something here. When I read your original post I thought, maybe it's just him feeling guilty and having fears about his own actions. But it's on him to come to terms with his feelings, and not second-guess or torment you, just as you will have to come to terms with the unavoidable moments of jealousy. And, just as you are in the position of facing the fact that he is poly in his relationship ideal, he needs to face the reality that you are monogamous. I think it's hard not to feel guilty at first, since society is screaming at us that we are wrong and bad for "getting what we desire."

On another note, I'm with you on the respect issue. It was a problem with one of my partner's gfs who was always nasty to me in person -- she would literally ignore me in public spaces. Because of that we negotiated a respect clause in our agreement -- our "others" have to meet us and treat us with the most basic respect-- acknowledge presence, say hello, no shit-talking. Other than that, no friendship or anything is needed. I think that's reasonable to ask for.

 

[IndieSolo]

. . . we have agreed that if he continues to love me as much as I feel loved right now, then I have nothing against him having more meaningful relationships in the future. If he keeps on loving me, respecting me, and his new partners respect me, then I will love him just as much as at the moment . . . I respect him and will love him according to how he treats me . . . but I need to feel he loves me for being me. What is your take on it?

So, it's okay for you to have all these conditions he must meet in order for you to love him, but he can't have any. He should love you for you, but you will love him "according to how he treats you?" And you think what he wants is unfair? Hmmm.

... the plan is simple. I would like him to stay the same when it comes to our relationship. His other relationships would mostly be his business, but I would not like his polyamorous life to change him so much that it would leave me miserable. When it comes to love, then all I want is for him to be there for me, want a future with me, care about our happiness, and so on, everything I am getting now.

Well, that's a nice fantasy, but the reality is that it would be foolish to think that the dynamic between you and him would not change or be affected by his having other relationships. If he is physically and emotionally intimate with others, will need to allot enough time in his schedule to see someone else and date, and develops additional loving relationships besides the one he has with you, there will be changes! Changes in how he relates to you, how often he can see you, in his own personal growth, etc., so I think it would be better for you if you get used to that idea.

When it comes to respect from him and his partners... we should all be aware of each other. For example, him finding another partner should mean that the new partner is aware of my existence and preferably would care about me (not necessary to become friends, but yes, simple courtesy). An example of not respecting me would be sleeping with someone and leading them on without letting the new person know that there already is someone in his life whose feelings should be taken into account.

Well, what you're talking about, as far as knowing you exist, is basic respectful acknowledgement -- but you also have to consider that any lovers of his (your metamours) might not want to meet you or get to know you, and there is nothing wrong with that. You can't force any kind of relationship with a metamour.

You should also know that there may be conditions his lovers have that also need to be respected by you. Respect, after all, goes in both directions.

I must add that, all the talk in your posts about "boys and girls" made me wonder how old you and he are. I hear "boys and girls" and I think of kids, or teenagers. We are talking about adult relationships between men and women, are we not?

 

[Marcus]

It's on him to come to terms with his feelings, and not second-guess or torment you, just as you will have to come to terms with the unavoidable moments of jealousy. And, just as you are in a position of facing the fact that he is poly in his relationship ideal, he needs to face the reality that you are monogamous. I think it's hard not to feel guilty at first since society is screaming at us that we are wrong and bad for "getting what we desire."

Damn, well said.

If this is indeed the situation, then this is a good excuse to work on a simple complication. Maybe he could come up with a gesture, or calendar, or activity which would alleviate his worries about your feelings while he's on a date. I really do suggest he come up with this, since it's his issue.

our "others" have to meet us and treat us with the most basic respect-- acknowledge presence, say hello, no shit-talking. Other than that, no friendship or anything is needed. I think that's reasonable to ask for.

If Inan brings around some dude who is openly disrespecting me, I don't imagine she is going to bring him around again. Should she keep bringing this jerk around, then this says something about my relationship with her, not the guy she's dating.

 

[lemondrops]

So, it's okay for you to have all these conditions he must meet in order for you to love him, but he can't have any. He should love you for you, but you will love him "according to how he treats you?" And you think what he wants is unfair? Hmmm.

I must add that, all the talk in your posts about "boys and girls" made me wonder how old you and he are. I hear "boys and girls" and I think of kids, or teenagers. We are talking about adult relationships between men and women, are we not?

This is an exaggeration. I have never said "He can't have any conditions," all I stated was what I need, will actually keep on needing when he turns our relationship into a polyamorous one. I need a lot from him in order to have a loving lasting relationship. This obviously goes the other way around. Or would in any relationship, monogamous or polyamorous.

We have been in a relationship for years now and we both know what makes us happy. What makes us happy is when I show him my love, when we laugh together, when he knows what is important to me, etc., not how many partners we wish to have. He has many conditions for me, as well. For example, I should be trusting, caring, respectful of his wishes and so on. This actually isn't the problem here. I just wrote about those things to go into detail about why we chose to have such a relationship, where he's poly and I'm mono. I wanted to clarify what made me feel OK about it. The problem of this topic is that I figured him wanting something from me and then not giving the same thing to me was a bit off. (I am talking about loving the other for who they are.)

He is 24 and I am 23, quite young. As we are not talking about husbands or wives, or a couple planning to have children already, it felt OK to use words like girls/boys. English is not my first language, so I must admit I did not pay very much attention to that difference.