Is this ok or unfair?

[Marcus]

In other words, calling yourself poly or mono or Christian isn't enough. Mere words are not enough. Actions matter.

Monogamy is a relationship philosophy which involves only two people. If you have the relationship philosophy of only two people (at a time) then you are monogamous. You can be an asshat all day long and still be monogamous.

Trying to broaden the definition of the ideas to include your own personal approach to relationships is not helpful.

Christianity has entire books filled with tenants (literally) explicitly prohibiting numerous conflicting ideas and actions. It is therefore not comparable to monogamy or polyamory for the sake of this discussion.

 

[london]

That would also suggest that polyamory is some sort of enlightened state and polyamorous people are without flaws. I don't believe they are better than monogamous people, or their relationships are more valid. That's why I leave all that stuff out.

 

[Dirtclustit]

You don't need a reason or excuse

to prefer any type of person over the the other. There are many preferences you should not feel you need to justify

...and I'd definitely love a partner who didn't allow me to get my sub on less than one who did. Assuming everything else was the same. That basically means I have a preference for kinky people because I get more gratification from them....

My criticism of lemondrops boyfriend was that it was a fucked up thing to say to someone who is venturing with you into non-monogamy. It sounded like he was trying to reassure her, but I can't see how that would be considered reassuring in anyway. If he was leaving her, it might be something helpful to say so that she understood it's not her, it's him (the it's not you, it's me) I can't see such a statement as anything but negative. But maybe it he seriously thought it would be comforting.

But either way, you shouldn't have to justify the type of person that works for you, sex and love (and many things in life) it is perfectly fine to have a preference without any reason whatsoever

 

[RainyGrlJenny]

I would agree with Chimera (and I think you also mentioned it at one point) that this is most likely just a guilt issue and he's confusing equality with happiness. He is probably trying to get the OP to date so that he doesn't feel weird about leaving her alone for the weekend as he goes off with one of his girls.

I would also agree with this, because I've been there and have behaved similarly to the OP's boyfriend.

I prefer to date other poly people who are partnered in some way, because it removes the pressure of being their "one-and-only." I have an overly full life with Kiddo, work, the house and garden and chickens, and my family and friends. People like Punk fit very well into that, because he has a wife and other lovers, and I don't feel like he's sitting around moping when I'm not able or choose not to be with him.

I wasn't looking for Moonlight. I fell in love with her as a person, after having a threesome with her and Fly. For a long time, her monogamous nature was really difficult for me to deal with, and I had a lot of guilt and felt really pressured to be and do more for her. I spent a lot of time trying to reassure her (read that as push her) that it was okay for her to see other people. I wasn't accepting her nature, because I couldn't reconcile it with mine.

It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I understand that she is happy being with just me, and that it's her right to choose to be in a relationship with me. It's not my responsibility to convince her to be poly just to make me feel less guilty. But sometimes it's still difficult to remember that.

It's a fact that in general, poly people are more attractive to me, and a strong preference when contemplating a relationship with someone. I think it's perhaps a bit rude for the OP's partner to have stated it the way he did, but I think that time and reassurance that the OP is happy with her choices are what's needed. I don't think he's being hypocritical or derogatory, but rather it's a symptom of insecurity that he's not meeting the OP's needs.

 

[lemondrops]

Thank you all for your answers. All of them were really helpful, and I'm glad I got so many.

Special thanks to you, RainyGrlJenny. It was really interesting to read someone's opinion who has experienced something like that themselves.

I am going to talk to my BF today and try to assure him that there really is no need to feel awkward for his poly actions, while I stay at home and do my mono-things. To me, this is a crucial thing. I can't take feeling pressured into polyamory anymore. For example, there have been times when we have felt especially close or happy, and he has suddenly started asking things like "So... you seem to be really happy at the moment, like you really really trust me... Maybe you feel differently now about polyamory?" And questions like these have left me feeling just "".

We had an argument again today on basically the same topic. A few months ago we had a very very important discussion, at least for me. I had felt a bit that maybe a polyamorous future would mean that everything I had ever dreamed of depended on others now. Like, let's say, I had dreamed of 2 children, but when this relationship turns into a polyamorous one for him, then maybe I have no power over it, like none at all, no point in even discussing this? Maybe everything I get will depend on others? But what about my individual needs? Am I even allowed to ask for something specific?

So we targeted this problem and we ended up talking really nicely about it, and what I really felt I needed in the future was my own home with my BF. He may visit others as often as he wants, and of course, they may come over as well, but I want to feel that our home is our home. Whoever visits is basically a guest. They have to let me know first, not in an unfriendly strict way, but just a text or a call before, like you would act with anyone. I feel like it is a normal thing to ask for, because I wish to live a monogamous life, and my BF could live with me if, let's say, others have more partners, but he is my only.

I am a person who really needs her private space. I want to know when people are coming over. I don't want anyone to rearrange anything. My BF fully agreed with that, because this does not entail separating myself from everyone else, by any means. It just means that I need a place called home, just for me and him. He may feel at home at other places, as well, of course, if he wishes that. This has been my only specific wish actually, and had he said no, we would have discussed it more. I would not want him to live with me like this if he was unhappy about it.

Him understanding and being fine with it made feel tremendously better, like a weight was off my shoulders. I must say this was one of the things that changed my thoughts on polyamory. I didn't have to force myself anymore to accept my BF's wish to be polyamorous. It just happened. I guess I felt safe and heard.

I have reminded him of that several times, in the style of, "Remember that conversation? It changed so much for me. I often think about it and it makes me feel so calm and nice." Plus, of course, he must have noticed that effect on me. I even told him that before on forums I often only read about bad poly experiences, but now that has changed and I read those that are about working relationships.

However, today he let me know that he does not remember that conversation, and wanted me to tell him what I truly want in the future, from the bottom of my heart. I have no problem repeating those things, but we already talked about them, and that meant a lot to me... and now he says he doesn't remember? Tell me again? That made me feel that he hopes that I have a different answer this time... maybe a more polyamorous one.

He even told me he doesn't believe that those are my real wishes, basically that I am following monogamous society and mistakenly believe these are my wishes. But they bloody are mine! (Sorry.) I just want to feel accepted for who I am, and I can't take telling him about my true wishes again while feeling that in his mind he is rolling his eyes.

 

[london]

You just have to ask him directly if he can envisage having those kind of primary-style entanglements with you. That's a valid poly question that requires a yes or no answer. It might be, no, not yet; it might be yes, but... Either way, it starts with yes or no.

 

[Marcus]

"So... you seem to be really happy at the moment, like you really really trust me... Maybe you feel differently now about polyamory?" And questions like these have left me feeling just ""

He's just projecting. After I've experienced this too many times (maybe once?), I'm pretty sure I'd have to call him on it. "I'm monogamous. Stop pretending you know me better than I do; I have known me pretty much my whole life and I think I know what's going on in here."

Geesh. Get your own feelings, dude.

But what about my individual needs? Am I even allowed to ask for something specific?

Yeah, this is a monogamous problem that doesn't really apply to my world. I don't ask people to meet my needs. If my needs aren't being met, I go to someone else who is more interested in doing [whatever] with me. In a perfect world, I'd take care of it myself, but if it necessarily involves someone else, then I'll keep an eye out for someone who wants in on that part of my life.

What I really felt I needed in the future was my own home, with my BF. He may visit others as often as he wants, and of course, they may come over, as well. But I want to feel that our home is our home. Whoever visits is basically a guest. They have to let me know first...

I'm with London on this one. Only it sounds like you've already gotten your answer. This fellow has a real issue with the fact that you are monogamous, and it sounds super unlikely that he's going to want to play House with the White Picket Fence with you.

 

[Magdlyn]

Monogamy is a relationship philosophy which involves only two people. If you have the relationship philosophy of only two people (at a time) then you are monogamous. You can be an asshat all day long and still be monogamous.

Please do not even try to bully me into agreeing with your opinions. If you're married and cheating you are not monogamous, IN MY OPINION. You're stickin' your dick into two women? You're not mono. You're not fucking your wife, but fucking someone else? You are not mono. You hold to a philosophy by doing something exactly the opposite of your philosophy? You're a liar and a hypocrite, and IN MY OPINION, you are not mono.

Trying to broaden the definition of the ideas to include your own personal approach to relationships is not helpful.

Not helpful to whom? You? Who died and made you forum police? I am expressing my opinion. No doubt one member out of thousands here might find it helpful.

Christianity has entire books filled with tenants (literally)...

The word is tenets.

explicitly prohibiting numerous conflicting ideas and actions. It is therefore not comparable to monogamy or polyamory for the sake of this discussion.

Your opinion on my metaphor is heard, Sir. Take it or leave it. You're not my only audience, so I shall not be taking your words to heart or keyboard.

My apologies to the OP for the sidetrack.

 

[Marcus]

Your opinion on my metaphor is heard, Sir. Take it or leave it. You're not my only audience, so I shall not be taking your words to heart or keyboard.

Wow. I thought we were having an intellectual disagreement. I didn't realize it was a fight.

Man oh man, there are some sensitive folk on this board.

 

[london]

It is not helpful because it bears no reflection on reality. Poly relationships are just relationships. The people involved are imperfect, and imperfect people are sometimes dishonest. Sometimes, your partner(s) can make complete transparency very difficult. If my spouse wants a DADT, how can I tell him that I love my boyfriend now? How can I tell him that I have a boyfriend? Sure, you can go around dismissing anyone from polyamory who you feel isn't meeting your exacting standards, but it's just wholly unrealistic, especially in a forum where the majority of people come when poly goes bad.

 

[Dirtclustit]

On the bright side

...I just want to feel accepted for who I am and I can't take telling him about my true wishes again while feeling that in his mind he is rolling his eyes...

at least he's not a journalist or an undergraduate studying to be a mind vampire journalist. And if he was you'd see what looked like three separate people arguing with himself and to get into character he'd believe each personality pen name was reality, it would drive you bonkers, that is, if you ever caught on. They are notorious for being able to spread the truth thinner than a metallurgist spreads gold on cheap jewelry.

Count your blessings, it will all work out

 

[Hetaera]

I really don't care for this tough love/name-calling approach used by so many members, including senior members. It's unproductive and unkind. It also sounds like they're interjecting their own issues and not dealing with the OP as an individual.

Lemondrop, it sounds like he might want you to be poly because either he's afraid you'll feel left out and stop him from being with others, or that he might feel guilty. I think it's as simple as that. It sounds like he needs to figure out that love is love, whether it mono or poly. We all get into labeling love and I don't think you can label it.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting your partner's partners to respect you as an individual and respect your relationship. That is a huge part of poly. It's not about respecting a myriad of rules or being top dog. I'm finding that having too many rules, other than complete honesty, doesn't work well with poly.

Keep the lines of communication with him open, and try to get him to understand exactly why he wants you to be poly. We must understand the nature of our feelings, even if we can't change them.

 

[Magdlyn]

It is not helpful because it bears no reflection on reality. Poly relationships are just relationships. The people involved are imperfect, and imperfect people are sometimes dishonest. Sometimes your partner(s) can make complete transparency very difficult. If my spouse wants a DADT, how can I tell hm that I love my boyfriend now? How can I tell him that I have a boyfriend?

If you have a DADT rule going on, no, I do not consider you to be in a polyamorous relationship. IN MY OPINION, you are in a begrudged open relationship with bad trust issues.

Sure, you can go around dismissing anyone from polyamory who you feel isn't meeting your exacting standards, but it's just wholly unrealistic, especially in a forum where the majority of people come when poly goes bad.

It's my opinion. I am sorry I am not being as inclusive as you'd like. It reminds of of kids' sports these days, where a trophy is handed out at the end of the season to everyone just for showing up.

I can see where it's just an issue of semantics. Say, you (general you) are in love with two men, but one of them really resents it, and puts up all kinds of roadblocks, and is on the edge of freaking out and leaving you because of your love for the other guy. This is polyamory? No, in my opinion it's a begrudged open relationship which is failing.

We can call it bad poly, if you wish. I'd rather not call it poly at all. For me, it's polyamory when all lovers are basically on the same page, and accept and enjoy the relationships going on (compersion). But okay, if my standards are making people really upset, I'll bow out.

 

[london]

So if my partner has insecurities and trust issues, it automatically invalidates my poly status?

 

[YouAreHere]

The available vocabulary for this really stinks, and tends to conflate individual identity with relationship style. You can be polyamorous and still be in a monogamous relationship, just as I am monogamous and in a polyamorous relationship.

And, to add to the confusion, one person's polyamory isn't another person's polyamory. Some folks may love the idea of sharing a home with one partner, and shuffling off to do the same with another, in essence, having two homes. This is what my partner does. Some may be more into the group/family polyamorous model. This, I believe, would be my partner's ideal. Some may not want to live with anyone else at all.

I wouldn't consider it a poly/mono divide as much as I would consider it a personal preference. It may just be that your preferences don't match in this regard, and you'll either have to work out a compromise... or not.

 

[LovingRadiance]

I can see where it's just an issue of semantics. Say you (general you) are in love with two men, but one of them really resents it, and puts up all kinds of roadblocks, and is on the edge of freaking out and leaving you because of your love for the other guy. This is poly? No, in my opinion, it's a begrudged open relationship which is failing.

We can call it bad poly, if you wish. I'd rather not call it poly at all. For me, it's polyamory when all lovers are basically on the same page, and accept and enjoy the relationships going on (compersion). But okay, if my standards are making people really upset, I'll bow out.

I understand what you are saying, but I think things get mixed up here. I am polyamorous, inside of me, meaning I am capable of honestly, respectfully loving more than one person in a romantic and/or sexual relationship.

If I am in a relationship and my partner decides that they can't handle that part of who I am, that doesn't change the fact that I am polyamorous.

Just like when my husband decided he wasn't ok with me being with a woman, it didn't change the fact that I am bisexual.

On the other hand, practicing polyamory, I would agree with you that the dynamic is not poly if all parties aren't on board. However, it's so hard to say, is someone not on board, or are they nervously working on getting their feet wet? It's impossible for us to assess online in these forums. That is why there was a such a drama over Autumnal Tone asking someone to stop their blog here when he assessed that they were "no longer" polyamorous. Not being in a poly dynamic doesn't mean a person isn't polyamorous.

 

[london]

Nor is the poly label something earned by those who jump through enough hoops. It's not a reward for being a good person. It's not a trophy. Poly people aren't better than anyone else.

 

[Magdlyn]

On the other hand, practicing poly, I would agree with you that the dynamic is not poly if all parties aren't on board. However, it's so hard to say, is someone not on board, or are they nervously working on getting their feet wet? It's impossible for us to assess online in these forums (which is why there was a such a drama over Autumnal Tone asking someone to stop their blog here when he assessed that they were "no longer" poly. Not being in a poly dynamic doesn't mean a person isn't poly.

Right. Being polyamorous is a self-identification. Practicing it is something else.

You can ID as an aeronaut, but if you can't fly a plane (haven't taken lessons, or read the right manual, or had lots of dedicated practice), you crash. Are you an aeronaut then? No, you're dead, because you thought just kinda going with the flow would be enough. Turn it on, grab the steering yoke, and off you go on a nice flight.

No.

Example: I've got two friends who got married a year or so ago. They'd known each other 11 years, as college roommates, friends, lovers, and now spouses. Match made in heaven, right? Both IDed as poly!

Right after the wedding, one of them gets a gf, and goes off the deep end of NRE, and has basically been neglecting his spouse ever since. Making plans with her without telling his spouse, lying, breaking promises, never being home.

They may both ID as poly, but is this polyamory? No, I call it mere cheating.

 

[london]

Right. Being polyamorous is a self identification. Practicing it is something else.

You can ID as an aeronaut, but if you can't fly a plane (haven't taken lessons, or read the right manual, or had lots of dedicated practice), you crash. Are you an aeronaut then? No, you're dead, because you thought just kinda going with the flow would be enough. Turn it on, grab the steering wheel, and off you go on a nice flight.

No.

Example: I've got 2 friends who got married a year or so ago. They'd known each other 11 years, as college roommates, friends, lovers, and now spouses. Match made in heaven, right? Both IDed as polyamorous.

Right after the wedding, one of them gets a gf, and goes off the deep end of NRE, and has basically been neglecting his spouse ever since. Making plans with his gf without telling his spouse, lying, breaking promises, never being home.

They may both ID as poly, but is this polyamory? No, I call it mere cheating.

Poly people can cheat too. Cheating in a romantic relationship just means breaking agreements and boundaries. And before you say it: cheating can also occur in polyamorous relationships.

 

[LovingRadiance]

A person identifies as heterosexual, but they haven't ever had any form of sex with another person. Does that mean that they aren't heterosexual?

Same question: replace heterosexual with homosexual and with bisexual.

A person identifies as polyamorous (capable of loving more than one) but has never had a romantic relationship. Does that mean that they aren't poly?

Replace poly with mono. Same question.

It's a hazy shading there. Just saying.

I happen to agree, cheating is inappropriate (cheating meaning breaking of any agreement/boundaries in any relationship, romantic or otherwise).
But just because someone does something in a shitty manner, doesn't change their identification, per se.