issue with fwb but not with boyfriend

C

Cippalippa

New member
Hi everyone!
First post, I did some research but I couldn't find something that relates to my situation and I'd appreciate some advice.
I recently adopted a poly lifestyle. I've been thinking about it and I feel it is right for me.
I've been dating a girl that has been poly for years. She has a boyfriend (relationship is 5 years long) and other casual partners (friends with benefits).
I already met his boyfriend and we are getting along. Since our first date, when she was pretty open about polyamory, I have never had any issue with her boyfriend. Actually, I really like him.
On the other side, I feel some discomfort about friends with benefits. I am trying to analyze my insecurities and fears. Conceptually I don't understand why that bothers me. I am sure that it has to do with my personal history, which cannot be conveyed on a forum. But, beyond "rational" analysis, my gut tells me that it is not right, differently from her relationship with her boyfriend.
Can anyone relate to that? Any help is deeply appreciated.
Have a wonderful day :)
 
I had something like that. Boyfriend brought me around someone he started dating whom had mannerism of someone who used to stalk me. I took me some introspection to figure it out, but once I did I told Boyfriend that I was bothered by this person for my biases, and wasn't in a place to work out my biases with this person; so I could be around them in a large setting, but wasn't comfortable being around them otherwise.
 
My ex husband (who is not polyamorous, btw) recently confided he feels a similar way about his new/current girlfriend's past lovers.

Due to their high profile positions in the local community, it's a common occurrence for them to run into various people from new gf's past.

My ex husband says he has no problem dealing with his gf's former husband who is the father of her children, even though she still resides in what was the marital home. But he has a real issue having to socialise at work functions with a couple of her former FWBs for some reason. Possibly because at least one of these was a cheating relationship (even though the cheating happened before my ex husband and his gf got together) and the man in question's wife does not know it happened, as far as he knows.

I think the reason that dealing with his partner's former FWBs is a problem is because those weren't ethical relationships, while as her former husband was a legal spouse, and even though it didn't work out, the relationship had "legitimacy". Something deep inside him probably thinks that if his current girlfriend could have casual sex with a married man, even if it was years ago and she regrets it, it says something about her character. So an insecurity around that persists.

*********

I myself am involved in an intimate relationship with my male partner's (former) female FWB, Boho. My relationship with her developed AFTER theirs had ended however.

For a long while I had jealousy issues and insecurities surrounding Boho's place in Jester's life, as they remained closest of friends even after their sexual relationship ended. When they would go away together on trips, I'd fret if they cuddled or slept in the same bed, though they swore it was strictly platonic and I believe/d them.

After much introspection and emotional work, I can now say I'm much calmer and in a fairly good place when it comes to the above. We still have more of a "V" arrangement, though at times we three explore fantasies as a group.

I'm not so "cool" about some of Jester's other (former) FWBs however. A few months after he and I got together, he had one of them move into his place to help pay the rent. Although she has since moved out and there hasn't been anything between them for a few years, I was still bothered by her presence as she's much younger than either of us and from what I know, is involved in some fairly sketchy activities.

I think if you delve deep enough into your psyche, you'll discover the reasons why you have issues with these people - and will then be able to determine is there is a legitimate basis for concern or otherwise.
 
Hello Cippalippa,

Perhaps what troubles you about the FWBs is, a FWB doesn't have the same emotional connection that a boyfriend has. That is, there is less setting a FWB apart from "just sex," whereas a boyfriend is "more than just sex." When it comes to a partner dating other people, some people are more bothered by the sex, others are more bothered by the emotional involvement. You might be bothered less by the emotional involvement, but more by the sex. Like, perhaps the emotional involvement makes the sex easier to take ... if that makes sense.

In order to dig into your personal history, you may want to make an appointment with a therapist. Just a thought.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts.
I talked about this with her and she also shared it with her boyfriend. Insecurities on both sides came out and it is easier now to deal with our emotions.
I think the main reason is that I find sex enjoyable only if love is involved. I projected that it was the same for her. My expectations led to this distress when they were not met. We are going to talk about it as she is realizing things of herself through this conversation and she might be on my same page. Nevertheless, understanding what is going on my psyche is the first step to be at peace with myself. Talking to a therapist would certainly help.
Thank you again :)
 
Sounds like you're making some progress -- That's good to hear.
 
Hello,

I agree with kdt26417 when it comes to the emotional vs. sex issues that can arise with a partner being involved with a FWB situation. The sex might bother you more because it seems somehow less connected than if emotional pieces were in place. Sometimes a FWB is also less established when it comes to any future of the relationship, as in which direction it might go. Insecurity makes sense and it does seem like you are communicating openly and honestly.
 
I've had a similar issue with my partner's partners, but sort of the opposite. I tend to get more insecure about my partner being romantically involved with someone.

After doing a lot of reading and self analysis, I've realized that it is more about me and my relationships to sex, commitment, love and abandonment. I have been doing a lot of processing in these areas and have found that the more I begin to understand my feelings around these topics, the more I understand that my partner's relationship to them are different.

I tend to like to get to know people as friends before I begin having romantic/sexual encounters with them, while he is OK with transitioning into a more romantic date situations after a few casual hang outs. He has a lower sex drive than I do, so when he dates someone romantically, he doesn't actively pursue sex from the beginning, where I tend to enjoy having sexual encounters with someone after less dates (if it comes to it).

You're feelings are justified, but what your partner's feelings also need to be taken into consideration. Her relationship to sex may be very different than yours, and that's OK.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top