Issues with Anxiety

R

riftara

New member
John had started dating Marina, and I really like her. In fact, I have a crush on her. She says that she wants to try a relationship with me "eventually." We have kissed several times, held hands and such, but nothing more.

That's not really the point of this though.

I'm having anxiety attacks when John and Marina do anything sexual. It doesn't matter what. They haven't had intercourse yet.

I was in the room with them, and I had to take my anxiety pill, and leave the room. I went and smoked like 6 cigarettes to calm down.

The very thought of them having sex with me nearby, and even writing this, throws me into anxiety. I don't have an issue with sex elsewhere, only when I'm nearby. Sex at her place is impossible, and we don't have the money for hotels. So the only place for them is here, or well... the back seat of a car.

I know one issue is I'm envious of John's time with her, because I want her to be my girl too. I'm working through that. I am taking what I can get. I'm getting to be okay with it. John and I have worked a lot on that subject.

The anxiety issue may be linked to my abuse/rape by an ex. He would cheat on me, blame me for it, and I'd have to have sex with him to make everything okay again. I'm working through that with a counselor now, my abuse and rape, I mean. It could be related and linked in my mind, but I'm not sure that's what is causing the anxiety.

I do have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so I have pills I can take to fix it temporarily, but I want to find out what is causing it, and talk it out, or have a way to deal with it.

John doesn't want me to be popping a pill every time they are alone in our room. But I don't want to break down either. I'm willing to cry and get stressed for a little while, but I'm not sure I'll get over it without work.

I'm also wondering how much of this (my anxiety, my history, etc.) to share with Marina. I don't want to make her feel bad, or do ANYTHING to screw up her and John. I want a relationship with her. I don't want to scare her away from either or both of us.
 
Have you tried yoga or reiki for your anxiety? They have helped others with that. Sounds like it's not an envy thing but mainly an anxiety thing. Anxiety disorder makes you "have" the anxiety and THEN you find something to fixate it on. Although, if the meds help, keep taking it. People on here are always talking about stigmas and judgments... I say don't give a fuck if other people don't like it if you're on drugs. Take the drug FOR YOU if it helps YOU. Don't take a drug or not take a drug just so the rest of the world doesn't judge you. Drugs are one of the greatest inventions of all time - right up there with food, water, shelter, and automobiles.

Viva la benzodiazepines and amphetamines.
 
I'm actually starting yoga back up tomorrow. I could do it in the living room while they are together. It might help a lot.
 
I'm currently a stay-at-home mom with no driver's license. It expired, and I haven't gotten it redone yet.

John works 6pm to 6am, and sleeps from 7am to 2pm.

Marina goes to school and works an odd schedule.

Time management is going to be enough of a hassle without me having to leave (i.e., find someone to pick me up for a few hours), especially since I know so few people here, and my best friend here is undergoing cancer treatment.

My license renewal will happen at the end of the month, and my new job starts next month. So this should only be a temporary thing. John may even go back to regular hours (5:30 - 5) soon.

I hadn't really thought about how temporary this should be. I should be able to handle at max 9 times with my meds. If for some reason it goes longer, I can reevaluate my options then.
 
I think you nailed your trigger.

The anxiety issue maybe linked to my abuse/rape by an ex. He would cheat on me, blame me for it, and I'd have to have sex with him to make everything okay again. I'm working through that with a counselor now. It could be related and linked in my mind, but I'm not sure that's what is causing the anxiety.
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You could just be up front with both of them.

She may not be your gf, but she is your metamour.

Until your time schedules change again, you could propose a "for the time being" solution, by asking them both if they would be willing to go slowly.

Ask John specifically if he would be willing to reassure you that he's not going to be making out/having sex with her, and then unfairly blaming you for problems in the (John+Marina) tier of the polymath, and asking you to service him to "make it okay again," like the abusive ex did.

You could ask Marina to be aware you are in therapy for past abuse/rape from a former partner (don't give TMI). Then ask if she is willing to go easy on you. You want her to enjoy being with John, and if you get an anxiety attack, not to blame herself, or think you hate her. Ask her to just come to you directly for more info. And if she has problems with John, ask her not to unfairly blame you for them.

Lay it out there. Ask for their willingness to try it on for the next however many weeks, until work schedules change again, and you all have to reevaluate the dating schedule, and deal with time-management needs.

You may find that being assertive and communicating clearly will help soothe your anxiety, emotional flooding, and panic attacks. Also, DO take your meds as directed. It's part of your self care, just like working with your therapist is.

Hang in there!
GG
 
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