It takes commitment to avoid commitment

S

Supertramp

New member
I've been seeing a woman best described as a swinger who enjoys the casual sex aspect but also looks for a loving connection in her encounters with men. We both love each other and have a profound intimacy. However, at this stage in her life she is looking for an at-home partner and, being solo poly, I'm not that guy. She recently developed a loving relationship with another man who has the potential for giving her what I cannot. He, however, is mono and unwilling to accept my presence on the scene. Finding herself unable to choose between the two of us, she is now choosing not to have either of us. I'm completely supportive of her choice and have backed off while she breathes into herself and feels her way through this dilemma.

I'm not sure if there's anything I can actively do about the situation, other than give her space, but I was wondering if anyone has any insights to share or resources that might help her cope?
 
Her life her choices...

Accept her decision on the matter. Do nothing to sway her choices. If you are worth her keeping she will make the choice to do so.
 
Supertramp said:
I'm not sure if there's anything I can actively do about the situation, other than give her space, but I was wondering if anyone has any insights to share or resources that might help her cope?
Click to expand...

There's nothing you can do, this is well out of your control.

Stick with your instinct to back off and let her do what she needs to do. If some day she comes to you and says "I am in a place where I want you in my life" then so be it, but I don't see how you can really have any healthy impact on that journey.

Also note, this isn't about you being "worth her keeping". This is a worldview and personal approach to romantic relationships... this is her decision about how she views people because obviously she views both of you as "worth keeping"
 
Thank you for your thoughts, friends. She's been honest with my metamour in asking him to accept her needs and, to his credit, although he was uncomfortable he was willing to test the waters for a brief period. But now he has decided such an arrangement wouldn't work for him. Living in a small, remote town means that we are limited in choice in terms of poly partners and must 'convert' our lovers. Its true that she is getting none of her needs met now but she's a free spirit and this is her safe zone (This gives a pretty good glimpse of her psychology http://honestgreenjeans.com/.../28/loving-the-free-spirit/). Essentially she is paralyzed by indecision, hence my request for some insights to give her a direction which honors her needs. Perhaps there's a poly life coach/counselor out there?
 
So, is she "paralyzed by indecision" or is she "choosing not to be with either of [you]" while she works this out?

Why are you seeking "insights to give her a direction which honors her needs" if you are "completely supportive of her choice..."?

You've described a person who is all about her autonomy, and you seem to respect that out of one side of your mouth. You're concerned about her not getting her needs met. She clearly knows that's her job, and she will figure it out on her own.

Take a lesson from her and be decisive. She doesn't sound "paralyzed with indecision" - but you sound petrified that she may not resume your relationship. Any unsolicited help you try to give is likely to be suffused with that, to feel like influence rather than neutral support. Resolve to let her be and let her work this out. You done good by stepping back and letting her breathe. Now stay.
 
I agree. She has made a choice... To end it with both.

If she has not asked for your help, or you have offered and she has declined, accept and let it go. If you need help processing and accepting talk about that instead.

Keep clean boundaries.

What specific behavior is she doing that you observe or experience that leads you to conclude she is paralyzed? Is she giving you the soft break up trying to be kind and you are not hearing it as break up? You would rather hear it as indecision?

Galagirl
 
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