It's a long story...

M

Monty

New member
Hello

I'm just gonna jump in...

I got married to my second high school sweetheart at 18. We have a beautiful family but a shaky marriage since the start. We fell in love at a time when we were both a little broken but too young and prideful to admit it. Our desire and at times even respect for each other weans but our love never does. We've worked hard to better ourselves as individuals and have come very far but our looming past seemed impossible to get through. Last month we were on the verge of separation for the 3rd time when I brought up opening up our relationship. It was a journey between deciding to be open and actually being emotionally open and in the past week, becoming actively open. My husband's been interested in another woman (a non-monogamous woman who is also seeing his best friend) for a while and being raised Christian and never experiencing non-monogamy before, he hadn't even considered it an option until now. My first high school sweetheart and I tried it, me and one of his good friends just couldn't deny an attraction and even back then my instincts told me that expecting my boyfriend, who was a great guy, to be enough for me forever or vise versa, was an impossible order for me to fill. I never thought I could handle being anyone's everything and boy does my approach to our traditional marriage of 12 years prove that. Anyway, we're now really happy we're trying this and entertaining the thoughts of threesomes or one of us having sex with another woman has actually done wonders for our sex life. And when hubs kissed his crush for the first time a couple weeks ago I was genuinely happy for him. But I also knew it was going to be hard for him to adjust and so when he left for a real date with her tonight I couldn't really believe it was happening.

As you can see, I'm very new to this life and it's probably obvious that I'm new to forums in general. I hope this wasn't too much for an intro but it's an honest intro to me as I tend to overdo. I've already read a few more specific threads and it seems like everyone's here to support one another and I really look forward to getting to know people that can understand or have gone through these first phases of opening up before.
 
Greetings Monty,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm sure you will have challenges along the way, but basically I believe polyamory will be a rewarding experience for you. I have responded on your other thread, and will be happy to assist you however possible.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
Hi, welcome Monty,

It's generally not a good idea to add new lovers when your anchor relationship is struggling. It seems you and your h think of OSOs as bandaids, giving you both some sex and fun to distract you from all your problems, such as lack of respect and lack of sex.

So far, your fantasies about other women and threesomes have "spiced up your marriage," and made sex better.

But real women is a whole other thing. Real humans aren't sex toys. There can be major jealousies in threesomes or triads. Generally the first sex threesome or two can go well, hormones being what they are. But then, emotions, feelings, start to crop up, NRE kicks in, jealousies ensue.

Why pursue, "relationship broken, add new person?" Have you had marriage counseling to remedy the lack of respect you show for each other? If I was a dating prospect for either of you, I'd run away once I found out my dating partner was in a messed up marriage, knowing their long term drama and lack of communication skills would spill over onto me.
 
Do you actually want advice on this thread?

Magdlyn is harsh, but kind of true. With me, it's fine if you seek people for sex only or as means to help your marriage, as far as they know. I'd run for the hills though, if I knew.
I'd add that you are going really fast. Actually opening up to the point of sex and romance with your ex withing a month is asking for a big crash as soon as some of the common communication and jealousy problems arise. A crash when going 100 km/h is always much more desasterous then when going 30 km/h, consider slowing down and catching up on learning about poly and having the discussions about your respective expectations.

Good luck to you, Tinwen
 
Guess it was too much

Seems I overshared just enough to push some panic button for you experts.

There's a lot of background to 12 years of marriage and like I said, also lots of progress. We've been communicating well and doing much better for years now. A lot of our issues came from me not seeking help for my depression and anger issues that have been a part of me since childhood. I eventually seeked help. And along with my husband's support, I've gotten much better. We've worked hard for years to be in a more loving and supportive relationship, and now that we're more confident in our love and found mutual respect, it's been easier to admit to ourselves and each other that monogamy has always exasperated our issues because it doesn't feel like the natural course of things. I don't think that it's too out of the ordinary to find your true relationship self after a period of struggle. Out of the ashes comes the phoenix and all of that.

That being said, I can appreciate the opportunity to consider if we're moving too fast. Though confused as to were you got the sex with the ex thing, "date with a crush" is actually what I wrote. Still, never bad to examine if you're diving in too quick. Thanks.

Gotta say though, didn't expect to feel like I'd have to defend myself and my relationship decisions on my intro but so is the risk of reaching out I suppose. Maybe a better approach to a new person in this community would be from a concerned and supportive place rather than "damn, i'd run away from you." Someone less secure, looking for a community and some support might chose to run away from this one with that approach. But you know, to each their own.

Peace and luck to you both!
 
Sorry if I misunderstood, but you did say just last month you were on the verge of your 3rd separation.

Having been married extremely young, as some Christians do, at 18, just out of high school, both your dating experiences have been very limited, barely non-existent. I don't blame you for wanting more experiences with others one bit!

Dating is hard though. I dated around from 16-19, (10 lovers in 3 years, some more serious than others), then went mono with one man (married at 22) for about 30 years. Got separated in 2008, and have been poly ever since, and dating a lot. Some relationships lasted 2 1/2-8 years, some lasted only 3-8 months. Some people never got past the first date.

Expect lots of ups and downs as you both get your feet wet in dating after 12 years of monogamy! (BTW, keep in mind you might fall for another man... one penis policies can be limiting and troublesome).
 
Monty said:
That being said, I can appreciate the opportunity to consider if we're moving too fast. Though confused as to were you got the sex with the ex thing, "date with a crush" is actually what I wrote. Still, never bad to examine if you're diving in too quick. Thanks.
Click to expand...
Oh, sorry. I must have misinterpretted the "My first high school sweetheart and I tried it" line. I thougt you were talking about reconnecting now, while more careful reading points to polyamory back then.

Seems I overshared just enough to push some panic button for you experts. ...
Maybe a better approach to a new person in this community would be from a concerned and supportive place rather than "damn, i'd run away from you."
Click to expand...
Maybe you did that :eek: It all sems much more hopeful after clarifying, so thank you. I don't claim to be any expert, but we've sure seen a lot of tragic, even abusive, opening up situations on this forum.
If I knew you nearly broke up last month, I would run (I hope). I have enough personal experience with my partner and Meta fighting. It sucks.
I want to be supportive indeed, but sometimes you just hope that words get through to a blind spot -- sorry if there were too much assumptions in your case. Welcome, anyways :)
 
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