It's a Texlahoma Story

GirlFromTexlahoma said:
...whatever struggles you may have had in the past, your life these days is picture perfect and conflict free.
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I won't take up more of your blog after this, but just wanted to respond to this and say that it took me until age 50 to decide that I was going to figure out a way to live without anxiety and fear. I didn't even think it was possible, but something about being at the imaginary half way point in life made me want to at least try. I got a really rough start in life, dealt with the suicide of a fiancé, had a kid with autism, had another that wouldn't talk to anyone and gritted my teeth every time I had sex with my then-husband. I knew that I was deathly afraid of losing people and even more afraid to really, really love someone whole hog. So there was a lot that I had to turn and face. I wanted to be able to love someone all the way and not feel terrified that they would disappear. Everyone else in the world seemed to do this with ease, but for me it was Mt. Everest.

My life today is not picture perfect. I'm divorcing, one kid still has autism, the other one still barely speaks, but I'll say this - I have indeed developed a life practice by which I encounter very little fear and conflict. It took me 55 years, but my world is fairly calm and yes, I finally have come to feel deep, romantic love without the accompanying terror of former years. I still have bouts of it for sure. I don't know what a normal fear level is and I've learned that it really doesn't matter because I feel what I feel. I don't think that fear is something that we all have to live with and it has nothing to do with being enlightened (I actually don't believe there is such a thing) and has everything to do with just really, really wanting it and making it your quest. We all have dominion over our own thoughts and feelings and that's something that nobody in our lives, past or present, can ever take away from us.
 
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Fallen Angelina actually provided me a nice intro for my next project - tackling what nycindie called WORMs. Those "write once, read many" scripts that influence me and frequently get in the way of enjoying my life fully.

I don't feel a lot of fear, not on a regular basis at least. I'm pretty sure I can handle whatever the fuck life throws at me. My anxiety doesn't come from fear - it comes from guilt. I walk around most days with this low level hum of "you're not doing enough" in my mind.

And I'd really like to figure out where that comes from, and how to make it go away, or at least be a little quieter. So I'm going to try de-worming my brain ;)

WORM: I shouldn't want things unless my partner wants them too.

It's easy to blame this one on rom-coms and Disney movies, but honestly, substitute "friend" for "partner" and it's still true. I have this ... thing ... voice... worm...that tells me I'm supposed to value the time with the person and not the object or activity.

I feel bad when K wants to go do something and it's just not my thing. The little voice says should just want to see her and not care that I hate Band X or Museum Y.

I feel bad for wanting rough piv sex even though Andy's not into it. Voice says, it's about the bond with Andy, and the sharing, not whether it's actually getting you off.

I feel bad for having things I like enough that I'd rather go do them by myself than be with Andy or my friends. Running, hiking, yoga, reading. Voice says, selfish!!!

This one is actually fairly easy to conquer, once I am aware of it. If a friend told me she felt this way, I'd be appalled. We all deserve to do things that make us happy! Besides, seriously, if I had no interests or opinions of my own, and just wanted to follow people around, I would be incredibly boring.

ETA: I actually did a really good job with this tonight.

A lot of evenings Andy and I go to the gym together. I run, he rides the bike or does weights. It's a nice low key togetherness, plus we get to catch up on the drive to and from. If he's not up for a workout, though, I usually default to just doing a workout video here while he goofs on the computer a few feet away.

But tonight I said, I really want to go for a run, and I did. A nice easy loop through my favorite trails. It was glorious.
 
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Oh good for you!!! I am glad you did something for yourself and went on that run. And it's especially great to read that it was glorious for you. And you got to find out that Andy didn't shrivel up into a miserable mess because you weren't by his side. Claire, one thing I've observed about you is that you are incredibly hard on yourself.

About the WORM patterns/beliefs/scripts we all have - it is often just enough to realize that they're there, running in us. It isn't necessary to figure out where they came from. A lot of times they came to be in response to situations, observations, and decisions we made when we were very young, so it might not even be possible to pinpoint where and why we have these WORMs. The key is recognizing them in the first place so that when you find yourself responding to something in the present in a manner that is very familiar, you can take a step back and see it, realize that's an automatic pre-programmed response, and then ask yourself what response would be more appropriate right now, in the present. The most important thing is not to judge yourself for that script being there! So, instead of saying, "Oh shit, I am so fucked-up because of this stupid belief/script/pattern I have! What is wrong with me that I always think this way?" the more constructive thing to do is to be like an anthropologist just making an observation, and by recognizing it's there without judgment, you become free of it and have a choice. "Oh, there's that script again. Huh, interesting." Simply seeing our own unconscious mechanisms is what brings us to the present moment where we can make new choices and not let the past control us. We don't need to figure out why the WORMs are there in order for this to happen. In fact, trying to figure it out just sends us back into our past and into our heads instead of being right where we are and responding to life in the present. We will always be appropriate if we are present, because the here and now is where we find clarity. And that's what happened for you tonight. You saw the old script but were present and acknowledged what you wanted to do and gave it to yourself! Hence, glorious!
 
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GirlFromTexlahoma said:
ETA: I actually did a really good job with this tonight.

A lot of evenings Andy and I go to the gym together. I run, he rides the bike or does weights. It's a nice low key togetherness, plus we get to catch up on the drive to and from. If he's not up for a workout, though, I usually default to just doing a workout video here while he goofs on the computer a few feet away.

But tonight I said, I really want to go for a run, and I did. A nice easy loop through my favorite trails. It was glorious.
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nycindie said:
In fact, trying to figure it out just sends us back into our past and into our heads instead of being right where we are and responding to life in the present. We will always be appropriate if we are present, because the here and now is where we find clarity. And that's what happened for you tonight. You saw the old script but were present and acknowledged what you wanted to do and gave it to yourself! Hence, glorious!
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I love ALL OF THIS! :D
 
I want to applaud you for the self work!! Super awesome!!

Agree that I don't think that pinpointing the origin of our WORMS necessarily is key...although it helps me to realize that some issue I think is a big nasty deal right now, it's not the person today or the thing today that is the real reason I'm feeling complex stuff...it's that thing from when I was a kid and this or that happened. Makes me not blame people in my life for MY stuff. And it also makes me feel like I've saved money not paying a therapist for that eureka moment, but whatever. Mainly my inward looking stuff is identifying and understanding my things that I need to own, and figuring out if they are wrong and unfair, if they cause me hurt or to sabotage my relationships, etc. And what mistake-patterns in my behavior to watch out for.

But you aren't the only one who gives a look at some talk of inner peace, like "Are you even serious with this shit right now?" sometimes...because with my mood struggles there are times it's just a miracle I'm not chewing on my keyboard. I'M BEHAVING LIKE A HUMAN, DAMN IT, I'M DOING MY BEST. :D

GFT you're doing great. I think most of us are doing great. I'm raising an imaginary toast in my brain to how awesome we all are. It's gonna be ok.
 
nycindie said:
Oh good for you!!! I am glad you did something for yourself and went on that run. And it's especially great to read that it was glorious for you. And you got to find out that Andy didn't shrivel up into a miserable mess because you weren't by his side. Claire, one thing I've observed about you is that you are incredibly hard on yourself.
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I'm not sure Andy even noticed ;) I do wish I could get to the root of what, exactly, I'm worried will happen if I do things I want. I'm not scared Andy will leave me, or even that he'll be hurt. I'm not afraid that my friends will stop loving me. It's just this general sense that taking care of myself is selfish, and selfish is bad :rolleyes:

It's not that my life is dull or joyless - but even the things I enjoy doing tend to be very goal-oriented. When I think of "things I do for fun", I come up with stuff like volunteering with animal rescue groups and creating CAD plans for the lake house. I enjoy those things! But it doesn't have quite the same feel as doing something "just because", like reading a mindless fiction book or going for a walk. I usually tell myself I'll do the "just because" stuff when I get time... when I finish everything on my to do list ... when I've made sure everyone else's needs are met. You can guess how often that comes around ;) So I'm going to try doing at least one small "me" thing every day, even if it's just taking the time to listen to a song I love or hitting Starbucks on the way home from work.

On the bright side, doing things just because I want to is a very fun self improvement goal :D Today I bought a six pack of a beer that no one likes but me... I dunno, you guys, I might be getting a little too carried away!!!

Spork said:
...because with my mood struggles there are times it's just a miracle I'm not chewing on my keyboard. I'M BEHAVING LIKE A HUMAN, DAMN IT, I'M DOING MY BEST. :D
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This made me laugh so hard. Exactly how I feel some days!
 
WORM: The Relationship Escalator

There's no avoiding this topic ;) It's THE worm, the master code that runs all other programs in my brain. It's not something I could change, even if I wanted to - and I don't want to. It's who I am, it's how I love.

It's a very simple way to love. The more I love someone, the more time I want to spend with them. The more time I spend with them, the closer I feel to them. Since people tend to be have other people/stuff in their lives, maximizing time together involves getting involved in their stuff and befriending their other people. I get to see more sides of the person, more wonderful things about them. Our lives become entangled. Our love grows.

For some relationships, this is a yummy cycle of more and more love every day, until our lives merge seamlessly (like in my marriage to Andy). For others, it levels off at a point that works for both (like with my friends). Either way, the amount of time and level of entanglement is in proportion to the importance of the relationship.

Trying poly has opened my eyes to the reality that not everyone sees love and relationships this way. I have tried and tried to understand how others see it, but I have to admit, I can't wrap my head around it. And that's ok. But I do want to be conscious of it. Because failing to do that has made non monogamy incredibly hard for me.

The first pattern is that I meet a great guy, I'm totally into him, but he seems happy getting together once every couple of weeks and chatting occasionally between dates. My brain says, guy isn't that into me.

Ok, fine. He's fun, if I'm up for a date when he's free I'll go, but I'm not going to invest any energy into him, since he obviously doesn't care much. After a few months, I get busy/meet someone else, and tell the guy I don't want to hang out any more.

And the guy gets upset. Wants to talk. Wants to "work on the relationship". I'm left baffled. What relationship? How could you possibly give a shit? If you actually liked me, why didn't you want to see me more often???

The second pattern is Tyler and Dag. I meet a guy, he seems to be as crazy for me as I am for him. We hang out at least once a week and chat constantly. Things are blissful for a few months.

He says "I love you". I hear, I want to spend more time together. He says, "you are so important to me, you mean so much to me". I hear, I want to be part of everything you do, and bring you into every aspect of my life. Yay!!! Love!!! And then... He balks at my efforts to get more involved in each other's lives. He doesn't make any more time for us.

Brain says, maybe he lied about loving you. Brain says, maybe you did something terrible and he stopped loving you. But he obviously doesn't love you, because you're not getting any of the stuff he promised. Brain completely fails to process that "I love you" is not synonymous with "come to Christmas dinner". Cue anxiety, misery, and strife.

Both of these patterns are crappy, and I don't want to repeat them over and over.

I'm fine with the undefined fwb thing. Where we get together when we want, no pressure, no expectations. I'm also happy to grow a relationship into something more entwined and committed. But I can't handle it when the level of emotional intensity is out of whack with the level of time and energy devoted to the relationship. If I see someone a couple of times a month for dinner and sex, I'm not going to view it as an important part of my life. If someone wants love and commitment, I'm going to need time and involvement along with it.

It's a worm, absolutely. I'm trying to be aware of it. I'm not sure if that will be any help, but it's all I can do with this one.
 
Claire, when you talk about things it's like you are plucking thoughts right out of my head. I so feel you on so many of the things you are saying.
 
My anxiety is so fucking WEIRD.

I'm meeting Crush for the first time tomorrow night!!! And I'm nervous. Not about whether he'll like me. Not about whether I'll like him. Nope, I'm freaked out that I'll get lost or worse, that I'll find the bar but there won't be anywhere to park.

Seriously, my brain, it just doesn't work straight some days.

Though, to be honest, it kind of makes sense. I always have fun on dates, I can talk to anybody for an hour or two. But I have no sense of direction, stress out in traffic, and can't park for shit.

I had a Claire moment and told Crush that I didn't care at all where we met, so he picked some hipster place downtown. At least it's tomorrow, so there is only tonight to spend analyzing google maps for potential pitfalls.
 
You are so funny. You probably think this would make you seem difficult or flaky, but you do know you can still ask that he meet you somewhere else, right?

When I meet someone for the first time, I like to pick a place that is familiar and close to where I live, for safety's sake. I stopped letting guys from OKC pick the place for our first date after being similarly inconvenienced like what you're going through now.
 
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GirlFromTexlahoma said:
My anxiety is so fucking WEIRD.

I'm meeting Crush for the first time tomorrow night!!! And I'm nervous. Not about whether he'll like me. Not about whether I'll like him. Nope, I'm freaked out that I'll get lost or worse, that I'll find the bar but there won't be anywhere to park.

Seriously, my brain, it just doesn't work straight some days.

Though, to be honest, it kind of makes sense. I always have fun on dates, I can talk to anybody for an hour or two. But I have no sense of direction, stress out in traffic, and can't park for shit.

I had a Claire moment and told Crush that I didn't care at all where we met, so he picked some hipster place downtown. At least it's tomorrow, so there is only tonight to spend analyzing google maps for potential pitfalls.
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OMG I DO THE SAME THING.

I make really absurdly elaborate plans, and one of the things I ALWAYS scope out, is parking. I can't parallel park. Seriously, unless there's a huge space I can just pull straight into, forget it. I drive a minivan, I don't even like backing up.

So I have gone to Richmond, VA for many GWAR related events. I have family and friends in VA, too, so it was always a favorite travel destination. I love spending months before a trip planning every possible detail. I have usually checked out local restaurants and read the reviews, I have an actual map of the parking zones in the "Fan" (old part of town around the University) so I know where I would have to move my car every 2 hours but I know that if I park a couple of blocks down, if I'm willing to walk through that neighborhood at night, well, I can not worry about getting towed. But I also know that the Lowe's parking lot across the street has a gate that closes after hours and they will tow you (because I did my Google research!)

When I planned my trip up to Denver for ComicCon, I was delighted to find that there were lots where you can pay ahead of time online, and print out a thing to put in your windshield. I tend to crawl the maps for public lots and garages if I'm going into the city, or streets with that nice angled meter parking. And I know if I can pay with plastic or what.

You know what is super cool? Zen is a detailed planner too, who prefers not to be surprised with logistical problems and doesn't like risk, and we value this in one another highly.

Also, I can plan and deftly execute a cross country road trip and navigate a strange city like a pro. But do not ask me to find my way out of the parking lot of any shopping mall without driving in a complete circuit at least twice...
 
Spork said:
When I planned my trip up to Denver for ComicCon, I was delighted to find that there were lots where you can pay ahead of time online, and print out a thing to put in your windshield. I tend to crawl the maps for public lots and garages if I'm going into the city, or streets with that nice angled meter parking. And I know if I can pay with plastic or what.
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Yes!! Parking Panda!! For all the cons!!

I look on google maps for lots with angled parking because I drive the truck most days. It usually means I park at least a mile away from where I am going but seriously - I can walk a mile much faster than I can parallel park!

So I actually told Crush that I suck at street parking and he told me where the lot is that everyone uses for the neighborhood bars and such. Woo hoo!

Also Andy still has a handicapped tag from his foot issues, and he is letting me use it. My husband rules :D I care not at all that I'm going to hang up my handicapped tag, then climb out of the truck and walk several blocks in heels, because I'm pretty sure my parking dyslexia is truly a handicap that requires access to oversized spaces :p
 
I don't own a car because I live in NYC, where a car is just a burden, but whenever I rent one, I love to parallel park! I have to admit, I always snicker whenever I see someone having a hard time of it. When I first got my license, my bf at the time was very critical and, since I would be driving his car, I made a point of mastering parallel parking because everyone said it was so hard, but I never thought it was. I still don't understand what is so hard about it: cut the wheel hard one way to back in and then cut it hard the other way to fit it in there. It's fun! I think it would be fun to practice.

So the date is tonight, Claire? Have a great time!
 
nycindie said:
I still don't understand what is so hard about it: cut the wheel hard one way to back in and then cut it hard the other way to fit it in there. It's fun!
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Not hitting things! That's the hard part!

I have a REALLY hard time guessing where the edges of the car are. I can use the truck as an excuse, but I had just as tough a time when I had a Mini Cooper :eek:

My first year having my license, I knocked the rear view mirror off of all three of my dads cars in three days. (And then cried because I didn't have a car to drive to school! My poor dad!)

Things I hit on a regular basis (multiple times a year) include: the side of the garage, the back wall of the garage, the mailbox, and Andy's car. He won't park next to me anymore, but I have still backed into his car while trying to turn around in the driveway. He and our car insurance people have had some good laughs at my expense ;)

So, um, yeah... This is one of those few things where I can admit to not bring perfect lol!!!
 
I have a hard time gauging the angle at which I am backing up. Like I even have a hard time backing up my minivan STRAIGHT without cutting too far one side, having to correct, overcorrecting, I back up like some kind of slow mo drunk person...I'm just a mess.

And I've driven my van for so long that I'm very acclimated to it, and have a certain discomfort and lack of confidence in my driving of other vehicles (when I travel and rent them, I am absurdly cautious)...

Also, I'm self conscious about people behind me, because if I were to try, I bet I'd be really slow and I might not do it right the first time and people would see me and think I'm some kind of idiot and my heart starts racing so then I just keeping going, circle the block and find an easier spot to park. :eek:

Fortunately, most of the cities I visit, parallel parking isn't an absolute necessity. There are usually lots or garages or angled spots or something. Especially for those of us who will damn straight google it up before we leave to figure it out, or even stop at a 7-11 to inspect a map on a cell phone screen...
 
Add me to the shitty parker club, haha. I was really good with my old Honda Civic, which I drove for 14 years, but put me in any other car (including the Fiesta we just bought), and it takes me multiple tries. I just can't seem to accurately picture the boundaries of the car!
 
Ditto me on the not being able to feel the car edges, I dislike driving our big van for that reason. I believe it is a function of proprioception. I read where star athletes can feel where everything is on the field the way most people know where their own hands and legs can reach.

Also ditto on the plan ahead online. I use street view to see what the landmarks are along the route so I know when my turns are approaching.

Leetah
 
It's definitely harder to gauge where the car ends if you're only using mirrors to back up, which is what I see a lot of people doing when they're having a hard time. I always physically turn around in my seat to look out the rear window, as that is what I was taught as the proper way to back up always.

In NYC, you have to parallel park everywhere, so everyone walking by can see what you are doing. But, a lot of times, a passerby will come over and help a parker by directing them. I once even saw an elderly woman give up, get out of her car, and ask the stranger who was helping her to jump in and park her car for her! And he did!

Btw, I'm only good at parking. I'm not so good at driving.
 
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nycindie said:
It's definitely harder to gauge where the car ends if you're only using mirrors to back up, which is what I see a lot of people doing when they're having a hard time. I always physically turn around in my seat to look out the rear window, as that is what I was taught as the proper way to back up always.

In NYC, you have to parallel park everywhere, so everyone walking by can see what you are doing. But, a lot of times, a passerby will come over and help a parker by directing them. I once even saw an elderly woman give up, get out of her car, and ask the stranger who was helping her to jump in and park her car for her! And he did!

Btw, I'm only good at parking. I'm not so good at driving.
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That explains a lot. I have neck & spine problems that actually limit my range of motion, especially when it comes to those sorts of swivel movements, so I rely on my mirrors a lot.

I'm pretty good at driving, but I park like...well...a minivan driving soccer Mom. What. I'm not ashamed. ;)
 
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