It's been a while, but I need some help

KyleKat

New member
Hey Poly friends! It's been a long time since I was last active here. Good to see that some of the regulars are still around. :)

So, for those of you who don't know (or don't remember), I was introduced to the world of poly in 2012. For the entire year of 2012, my wife and I tried various relationships. None of them succeeded, but definitely not for the lack of trying.

I came away from 2012 with the realization that I am poly at my core and it's not something I can choose to turn on or off. I can ignore the feelings but only for so long.

My wife, on the other hand, loves the idea of poly but is definitely not poly at her core. She has a hard time dealing with the jealousy and the loneliness. Which, those things are totally understandable. The problem is, she doesn't have any interest in trying and failing at relationships on the off-chance that she'll find one she is happy with. According to her, she'd need to find another me for that to be possible. I don't know why she'd want another me. I'm a pain in the ass. But that's a topic for another day.

She has given me permission to find someone to date. Her belief is that just because she's not poly doesn't mean that I shouldn't be who I am. She says it'll likely hurt but she won't stand in my way. She also says she has no idea how she'll react until it all happens so she can't promise me compersion.

She even used a lesson out of this site and said, "You need to worry about your buckets and let me worry about my buckets." I believe it was GalaGirl that first taught us about the buckets. :D

She also prefers that I date a male over a female (for reasons such as potential triad, she gets along with guys better, etc), which is fine because I could go either way and I'd honestly rather find someone who she would be less likely to have a problem with. I don't know if this is relevant but I'm just trying to provide as much background information as I can.

Anyway, for just under a year I stopped looking almost entirely. We have two kids and it's hard enough raising them and trying to support my family without also trying to look for people to go on dates with. I would randomly check in on fetlife, okcupid, and some other random spots but for the most part I either didn't find anyone of interest or when I tried talking to them they wouldn't respond or they wouldn't be a good fit.

During all of this time, we would broach the subject briefly and she would go back to the same thing, "I'm not standing in your way. You are. You refuse to look for other women while I'm not looking". She's right. I find it entirely unfair for her to be stuck at home with the kids while I'm out on a date, especially if that favor is never returned. There's very little that she enjoys doing outside the house so it would be difficult for me to repay her in other ways.

So here's where the problem comes in. I joined reddit several months ago and they have several poly communities. This past week, I went to r4r (which is just a relationship finder on reddit) and one of the top posts was about a girl who lived fairly close to me. Odd coincidence. I opened it up and our tastes about music and TV and video games were almost identical. So I thought, "Eh, why not?" and sent her a message with the intentions of just becoming friends since that was one of the things she listed as wanting.

After about a day of talking, she asked if I was single and I told her I was poly and married. She said, "yeah, I've spent a fair amount of time on the relationship sections of reddit and poly isn't a new subject to me" so we talked about it for a long time. She's not poly, I don't know if she ever would want to be, but she's definitely okay with me being poly and our friendship has started to blossom into something more. NRE has started to creep in and set up camp and I'm doing everything I can to resist the urges.

I've told my wife that this girl exists, told her how she plays a game that we've been interested in playing and that we could all play together, and I've told her that she lives nearby. My wife hasn't asked me a single time for any additional information. She just goes, "okay" and moves on.

If she would just ask a follow-up, this would be so much easier but I really don't know how to proceed. I was caught so off-guard by this woman's genuine interest in my poly status that I wasn't at all prepared for any talks with my wife.

In the past, my wife would often be upset because I would spend too much time talking to my "girlfriends". I would either ignore her for the texts or be constantly checking my phone, etc, etc. I've been extremely careful not to do that this time around and am keeping everything as under check as I can. But eventually, things are going to start heading in the direction where I will need to say to my wife, "Hey, I want to meet [cupcake] in person." I don't want it to be out of no where, but I just don't know how to bring the subject up without her feeling hurt.

Whew, that's a lot of stuff to read, sorry!

Here's the short version:

1. I've met a girl. My wife is aware that I am poly and is aware of this girl but is not aware that I have started to develop feelings. I didn't want to say anything until I was sure because I don't want to hurt my existing relationship or my children. Now that I'm sure, how do I go about bringing it up without hurting her?

2. How the hell do I keep a lid on these feelings of NRE? I love NRE, but it's such a pain in my ass.
 
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Check that you and the woman are on the same page and then just be honest and say that you like her and want to go on a date with her. See what Wifey says.
 
Also, make sure that you're doing your hubby and daddy duties. Maybe make an extra effort to show Wifey how amazingly awesome she is for supporting you in being you. If you don't already have a date time scheduled with Wifey on a regular basis, make one. Show her you intend on maintaining multiple relationships, not just obtaining them.
 
I agree with london. After having an honest talk, listen to her and make sure you are making an honest effort in maintaining the relationship. Being on the “wifey" side of this right now, I think I would feel better about everything if you made sure that my (her) emotional needs were met first. Of course she would have to communicate those needs so it's a two way street. :)
 
. Being on the “wifey" side of this right now, I think I would feel better about everything if you made sure that my (her) emotional needs were met first. Of course she would have to communicate those needs so it's a two way street. :)

And what about his other partners needs? Why should yours come first?

Everyone deserves equal consideration.
 
You have a point, but perhaps a different point of view. While everyone's needs should be considered and met if possible, I would put my husband's needs over my boyfriend's any day ( within reason of course). I understand that others feel differently or have different situations, but that's how I feel personally about it.

When you have a choice between A and B, (not A AND B which happens often and is awesome) either A or B is not going to happen. I guess you could also choose to do neither, which is your right, but doing nothing can bring malcontent as well.
 
You can priorities events rather than people. So if Wifey had a Hobby related thing and Gf had a health related thing, you'd go with girlfriend because her health is more important than the wife's hobby.
 
You can priorities events rather than people. So if Wifey had a Hobby related thing and Gf had a health related thing, you'd go with girlfriend because her health is more important than the wife's hobby.

Exactly...


Just because Wifey is feeling emotionally insecure doesn't mean girlfriend should come second.

Just because one of my guys is my legal husband doesn't mean his wants comes over the other. My boyfriend means just as much to me as my legal husband. I do not believe in treating my people as second class because of time or legal status.

Just because Murf and I can not get a piece of paperto bind us legally doesn't mean he holds less status in my life than Butch.
 
Remember this?

she would go back to the same thing, "I'm not standing in your way. You are. You refuse to look for other women while I'm not looking". She's right.

Basically you want to update wife's info on your current state. But you seem anxious.

You pretty much put it there. Just rephrase it and put it out there. Maybe something like...


"Wife, could I have a moment of your time?

I didn't want to say anything until I was sure because I don't want to hurt my existing relationship with you or my children. Now that I'm sure, I wanted to make you aware that I've started developing feelings for (cupcake person). "​

For the other bit....

2. How the hell do I keep a lid on these feelings of NRE? I love NRE, but it's such a pain in my ass.

Find an outlet for the twitterpated. If you want to ask wife how much NRE she's willing to listen to, you could ask. Keep a journal. Jog. Whatever it is you like to do for yourself when you have excess energy.


I would either ignore wife for the texts or be constantly checking my phone, etc, etc.

For steering clear of past behavior you found troublesome in your time management... ask wife if she is willing to help you steer clear.
  • You both could define WHAT is "too much time" talking to my "girlfriends".
  • You could both define WHEN is appropriate time and when is NOT appropriate time to be doing your communications if you struggle with getting carried away
  • Don't let your husband and father responsibilities go pending because you are distracted.


You could ask for how she prefers to be given this heads up when that time comes to pass:

But eventually, things are going to start heading in the direction where I will need to say to my wife, "Hey, I want to meet [cupcake] in person."

If you need clarity so you can better tend to your emotional management (and right now you seem anxious) ask for clarity -- what does wife prefer for info updates? Then you don't have to guess later and you can be calmer now.

You will be ok.

Galagirl
 
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And what about his other partners needs? Why should yours come first?

Everyone deserves equal consideration.

I agree with that sentiment, but I'm not in a relationship with this other girl yet. As of right now we're just friends. Current relationships trump possible relationships. If no relationship forms with cupcake, her and I can still remain friends. On the other hand, if a relationship does form with cupcake, it could cause my marriage to crumble. That's not an acceptable outcome for me. I have to keep the marriage going.

As far as knowing whether or not I'm on the same page as cupcake: Yes, I am on the same page as her. It's clear that she would like to meet me. We haven't talked about it because I don't want to set something up just to cancel if my wife says she can't handle it right now.

I also don't want to set up anything until after Christmas. There are a lot of family events from now until Christmas and between the time and energy that it takes to do stuff, I just feel like it wouldn't be a good choice. I wouldn't go see her before Christmas even if my wife said it was okay.

Remember this?

Basically you want to update wife's info on your current state. But you seem anxious.

GalaGirl! I knew I could count on you. :) Yes, anxious is the understatement of the year. I've screwed this up many, many times and I am nervous I'm going to do it again.

You pretty much put it there. Just rephrase it and put it out there. Maybe something like...


"Wife, could I have a moment of your time?

I didn't want to say anything until I was sure because I don't want to hurt my existing relationship with you or my children. Now that I'm sure, I wanted to make you aware that I've started developing feelings for (cupcake person). "​

You make it seem so simple! I know it is simple, but for some reason I keep putting these roadblocks in my own path. Part of me thinks, "It's only been a week". Part of me thinks, "She's been really stressed with work." Part of me thinks, "She needs to know, even if she is stressed."

Ugh. But yeah, I do need to tell her.

Find an outlet for the twitterpated. If you want to ask wife how much NRE she's willing to listen to, you could ask. Keep a journal. Jog. Whatever it is you like to do for yourself when you have excess energy.

Ha. I actually just got back from a jog. That helped. Good call. I started running again today because my knee has been stiffing up again. I hurt it when I was young and if I don't keep it active, it gets painful. Anyway, going to try to stick with running from now on.

For steering clear of past behavior you found troublesome in your time management... ask wife if she is willing to help you steer clear.
  • You both could define WHAT is "too much time" talking to my "girlfriends".
  • You could both define WHEN is appropriate time and when it NOT appropriate time to be doing your communications if you struggle with getting carried away and you don't want to go back to
  • Don't let your husband and father responsibilities go pending because you are distracted.

One and two are easy. When I'm supposed to be paying attention to her and I'm paying attention to my phone. That needs to not happen. I've been good about it lately (I play on my phone even when I'm not interested in someone, and I've been trying to cut back for her).

Three is something that could probably use work. I need to be there more for my kids and my wife than I am as it is. The computer is a large distraction for me.

You could ask for how she prefers to be given this heads up when that time comes to pass:

If you need clarity so you can better tend to your emotional management (and right now you seem anxious) ask for clarity -- what does wife prefer for info updates? Then you don't have to guess later and you can be calmer now.

And if she says, "I don't know"? That's a common response of hers. :p
 
I agree do not torpedo current relationships for those that do not exist.

But once you begin one then both relationships need care and consideration. Sometimes one partner needs you more. For example Thursday Butch is having surgery. There is no way Murf is seeing me that day. He understands that. When Murf had a death in the family I had to be at his side for support.

The only way the whole primary secondary thing works is if everyone has other partners or very casual relationships.
 
If you need clarity so you can better tend to your emotional management (and right now you seem anxious) ask for clarity -- what does wife prefer for info updates? Then you don't have to guess later and you can be calmer now.
And if she says, "I don't know"? That's a common response of hers. :p

If she can't suggest right now, YOU could suggest a way forward then.

You could say something like

" Ok. For now could I expect telling you is better than not telling you? That the bottom line is that I update you -- since we have to coordinate calendars for childcare.

For now I could just wing it on the HOW (verbal? Written?) and WHEN (Before bed? After morning coffee? A few days heads up?) and we see how it goes. Could I expect that you will update me if you decide you have preferences later on? Does that work for you?"​

Then you both know what to expect for now and can relax the anxiety down a bit.

Galagirl
 
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I agree do not torpedo current relationships for those that do not exist.

But once you begin one then both relationships need care and consideration. Sometimes one partner needs you more. For example Thursday Butch is having surgery. There is no way Murf is seeing me that day. He understands that. When Murf had a death in the family I had to be at his side for support.

The only way the whole primary secondary thing works is if everyone has other partners or very casual relationships.

Agreed, everyone needs care and consideration most definitely. I think it's going to be a little unique because this girl I like lives about 2.5 hours away if I did the math right so she will obviously get less physical attention and I can't always have my phone at the ready. But, she seems to be fine with that.

Sounds like you and I are on the same page.

If she can't suggest right now, YOU could suggest a way forward then.

You could say something like

" Ok. For now could I expect telling you is better than not telling you? That the bottom line is that I update you -- since we have to coordinate calendars for childcare.

For now I could just wing it on the HOW (verbal? Written?) and WHEN (Before bed? After morning coffee? A few days heads up?) and we see how it goes. Could I expect that you will update me if you decide you have preferences later on? Does that work for you?"​

Then you both know what to expect for now and can relax the anxiety down a bit.

Galagirl

Thanks again for the advice. That's really great.

So a little update to this story. My wife and I were hanging up Christmas lights and I say something. I honestly cannot remember what it was and I've asked my wife. She doesn't remember either. But whatever I said, she responded with something akin to, "So you can talk to your girlfriend?"

Floored me. I had no idea she realized what was happening (obviously).

So, I laughed and then nervously said, "Would that be such a bad thing?" and she said, "Does it matter?" Then she said, "Now's not the time. It's cold out here."

So a couple hours later, we talked. For about half an hour. We discussed a lot of stuff. Here they are as briefly as possible:

1. She's busy with work and depressed that she works as often as she does. She doesn't want to see even less of me. I understand and this is easy to work around.

2. She dislikes that she has trouble finding people. She wants to meet someone, but she's all but given up on that. Envy is something I struggle with and it's something we can work through together.

3. She's okay with me doing my thing and being who I am. It makes me happy and she was actually wondering why I had been so happy lately until I told her about cupcake. That's when it clicked for her. So from the start. Damnit. I am dense. Anyway, no jealousy! Woo!

4. I need to do things for her and not just for other people. For example, she is a personal coach. She's been trying to get me to work out for a while. My leg has been hurting, so I decided to start working out. It happened to coincide with my meeting cupcake. So she thinks that I started working out for cupcake (something I had done in the past). She thinks even if it was an unconscious decision, it was a real one. I insist that it was because of my leg and nothing else. I also said that if I only do it for other people, as I had in the past, I would fall out of it as soon as my SO and I hit rocky territory. To that end, it has to be only about me and my bum knee. The one thing I will concede is that when I'm happier I'm more willing to work out. So that may have played a part in getting me to start, but it won't be what makes me continue. As proof, I was interrupted mid-workout today and did not want to finish. She insisted that I do finish and so I did even though it made me incredibly grumpy to do so. I felt great afterwards.

5. I told her that, unlike all my previous flings, I had not been ignoring her for cupcake. I also told her that this time was different as shown by my not being glued to my phone. She seemed to agree.

I think that was everything we talked about before we got interrupted (my mom showed up to take her to do some craft thing).

Probably not tonight because I don't want to bring it up again today, but maybe tomorrow I will discuss how to talk to her about things. If all goes well, I may get to go on a date in January! Yay!
 
Sounds like you have a pretty good start going and the lines of communication are open. You sound like you have your head on your shoulders too.

My only advice would be make sure you are still dating your wife too. Don't just spend time together focused on household duties or sitting around the house doing the same old same old. Make sure you take her out to do fun stuff too. A lot of couples get stuck in a rut. Life is too short have fun.
 
It's clear that she would like to meet me.

Wait - what? You haven't even met yet? Seems like a heck of a lot of angst and worry going on over someone you have not yet met in person. Talking about your marriage possibly crumbling, calling her your gf, etc. I think you need to slow down and try to take a more easygoing approach. Are you often so anxiety-stricken? In reality this is simply someone you've been having conversations with, and with whom you think there might be potential for more than a friendship - but you don't know yet.

Feet on ground, head out of clouds, be present.
 
Sounds like you have a pretty good start going and the lines of communication are open. You sound like you have your head on your shoulders too.

My only advice would be make sure you are still dating your wife too. Don't just spend time together focused on household duties or sitting around the house doing the same old same old. Make sure you take her out to do fun stuff too. A lot of couples get stuck in a rut. Life is too short have fun.

Good advice. I try to keep things fresh with my wife. We do have routines that we enjoy (we always watch TV for one hour from 7 PM to 8 PM during the weekdays) but I try to shake it up as often as I can to keep her happy. It's very difficult with our opposing schedules, though.

Also, thanks for the compliment!

Wait - what? You haven't even met yet?

No, we haven't met yet. We've only known each other for a week. I was anxious because I want to make sure my wife was okay with me getting to know someone before I even stepped foot in that arena.

Almost all of my relationships started out on the internet. I'm a very tech-oriented person and it's just an easy way for me to connect. I don't like bars and I don't go to a whole lot of functions where I can freely talk about my poly. Being from Central Illinois, it's a lot harder to get out there and meet people.

Seems like a heck of a lot of angst and worry going on over someone you have not yet met in person. Talking about your marriage possibly crumbling, calling her your gf, etc. I think you need to slow down and try to take a more easygoing approach. Are you often so anxiety-stricken?

The marriage possibly crumbling is not something that would happen just for meeting her. That's far in the future. But I already had to deal with it once and I don't want to deal with it again. The "calling her my gf"... I'm not sure what you mean? I only called her my friend. My wife teased me and said, "your girlfriend". That's a common tease in our relationship. She calls our neighbor my boyfriend because him and I hang out a lot. I didn't call her my gf.

Yes, I am this anxiety-stricken. Almost 100% of the time. I assume you don't remember, but this is how I was when my wife went to LA as well.

In reality this is simply someone you've been having conversations with, and with whom you think there might be potential for more than a friendship - but you don't know yet.

Agreed, and I haven't lost sight of that. But I fall quick and hard and I had to have the talk before it went any further because I didn't want to get involved in something like this without at least her understanding.
 
I fall quick and hard and I had to have the talk before it went any further because I didn't want to get involved in something like this without at least her understanding.

I would suggest that you work on this. "Falling quick and hard" is something that our culture and society has promoted and supported.....( you just have to listen to the radio and watch a few movies).

In actuality- we each have control of whether we "fall" or not and if we do decide to "fall" for someone, we do have some control over whether it is "quick or slow" and whether it is "soft or hard".

Despite what the culture will tell you, you can manage your own emotions and the way you enter relationships.

It's called discipline.....and (believe it or not) it can be applied to emotional/relationship endeavors. Wow- what a concept!! :)
 
Yes, I know. I think I said that in the first post, that it was something I am working on.

I've literally never taken a relationship slowly, though, so it's going to take some serious discipline and focus.
 
You know what KyleKat- You're still really young! You have a lot of time to tweek and hone your relationships skills. The earlier, the better for some, but even with that, it's good to be gentle with oneself!

I went into therapy for the first time when I was 27. After a year of therapy, I had heard enough and had realized so much, that I left therapy for a year. The things I realized about myself were a bit overwhelming for someone at my age, but it is the right age to get started (in my opinion).

I returned to therapy a year later and that is when the real work began.

Becoming more aware of our subconscious drives and learning how to re-program them is such a valuable pursuit. That way- we are no longer a victim to our reactions, but become more active in our lives and start functioning from a place of taking conscious actions instead of being directed by subconscious reactions.

It seems that a lot of the anxiety you are having might be as a result of your idea that you "fall hard" so in order to relieve the anxiety about it, you might want to start creating a new way to approach relationships where you see yourself as being able to say "I take my time with relationships" It could even be- "I am able to love deeply AND I take my time"

Self care and self love go a long way in alleviating that urge to "fall hard" for someone else. Have you ever done any reading about infatuation and what it actually is? It's quite fascinating actually and not as mysterious as it can be made out to be.

Although it takes some emotional maturity......it is possible to experience and enjoy infatuation and/or NRE while also being level headed and proceeding with caution.

Keep sharing and reading!! If you have an opportunity to have some therapy or coaching- that is always beneficial, in my opinion!
 
A little update on this. My wife knew from the first time I mentioned the girl, she just didn't want to talk about it.

Everything is moving ahead as I hoped it would. I'm handling NRE better than I ever have. Probably won't have too many updates until January. Between the holidays and having to get a new debit card (long story, not relevant) my financials are the biggest prohibitor right now.

If it works well I may start a new blog. I liked the previous one a lot but obviously it dried up when the relationship did.
 
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