Hey guys, I am new here and came because my girlfriend recommended it to me as a resource. I've been perusing some threads, especially on jealousy, and they're very helpful! But I still feel like I could use some advice specific to my situation.
This relationship currently involves me (22), N (22), J(23), and K(22). N and I have been dating for four years; we were always poly, but neither of us had found another partner until J came along just over a year ago. I fell for J very quickly, and I began dating them (N is allowed to date them if she wants, but is not interested). It was of course a rough transition, but N was involved every step of the way. She was the first person I called when J said yes to dating me; I told her everything she wanted to know anytime she asked; we had frequent conversations, both as a couple and a 'cule. We were pretty successful and things were going alright when we added K.
K has been N's best friend for a long time, and a good friend of mine since Highschool. She was in a messy, abusive relationship for about five years. N and I convinced her to leave, in part because we assured her she would have a safe place at home with us. At around this time, N was graduating from college, and so me, J and N were looking to move. We needed another roommate to make things work financially, and that arrangement allowed K a way out. Another reason we convinced her to leave was, well... She had feelings for J for a while, and she was interested in trying poly.
This seems perfect, I thought. I love K and I can't wait to have her be part of the family. She'll be safe with us and I can trust J to be good to her. J and I had a few issues with our relationship, but so did N and I before we brought in J, and I didn't think it would be a big deal. I even thought it might help! You see, with two partners, I am spread a little thin sexually and I thought K might help take the pressure off. So K signed a lease with us and I just sort of... Waited for nature to take it's course and the two to get together. Which happened a month or so ago.
Haha, silly me, I forgot emotions existed. This all worked out fine on paper but my emotions are complicating this. When the two first started dating, I was mostly happy that they were happy. I felt a little jealous but not enough I felt I needed to voice it. But it feels like the more time passes, and the more I see them together, the more jealous I become. It's gotten to the point I've been having panic attacks walking in the door to our apartment, knowing I will see the two of them cuddling, kissing, and flirting together inside and it will drive me insane. I've been able to pinpoint that my jealousy is mostly made of fear and anger. The anger is scary; I've never been so angry before and it can be very consuming.
Though I am realizing now we never set any expectations when J and K started dating (I didn't even find out until several days later), we've had several talks about the fact that I feel so jealous, and the 'cule has framed the issue around me having unfounded jealous feelings about K, who has been doing everything just fine. But the more I read, journal, and talk this through with my support, I'm realizing K may have been behaving in a way that deliberately stokes my jealousy.
K and I were good friends before this, and when J isn't around we sometimes still are. But when J is there it's awful. She will be perfectly kind one time and rude, snippy, sometimes downright mean the next. She is constantly "correcting" me (saying, "that's not how that works," "you're doing it wrong") about things that don't need to be corrected. She is very defensive of J and will police my tone when I talk to them, even though I am talking to J the way I always do. She's even overheard a conversation I was having with J and interjected to say that I sounded like a bitch. When I disagree with J on little things (like, if I enjoyed the movie we just watched) she is very quick to "take J's side," and put me down in comparison to her, if that makes sense.
The worst instance of this happened earlier this week. K requested that J sleep in her bed for the night, which I agreed to. Later that night I heard them having sex. According to our agreement this is allowed, but this time due to the amount of jealousy and insecurity I found it deeply upsetting. I ended up having a panic attack. I did not interrupt the two of them, but I did go to grab my journal to vent and slammed a door on the way (something I have acknowledged was an inappropriate way to communicate, and apologized for). J heard that, realized I might be upset, and after they finished came to check on me and we talked for an hour or so. This infuriated K, who left for a two hour midnight drive.
We all had a talk together the next day. K, still furious, told me she was tired of her relationship revolving around me, and that the sex they had together that night was the best sex of her life. I said that hurt me. She told me that was good, I needed to feel that pain and get used to it, because she wasn't going to stop anytime soon. Because I somehow still felt I was at fault for needing J I apologized profusely. It wasn't until a day or two ago I realized that was an extremely inappropriate thing for her to say to me. J said nothing about this either. After coming to the realization that this incident was inappropriate, I recognized the behavior patterns leading up to it that had made me so jealous in the first place. She insists every time we talk that she's doing everything she can to make me feel welcome and secure.
SO ALL OF THAT TO SAY, I'm really not sure how to proceed from here. I've told J and N the patterns I've noticed, but not K because that's pretty terrifying. This whole time we've been talking about my feelings like they are an unfounded issue. Because of that, I'm anxious I've somehow gone insane with jealousy and may be seeing things that aren't there. For now I've asked them to just watch how K interacts with me without saying anything so I can objectively confirm this is happening. After that.... I have no clue. I confront her? I have J confront her? It turns out I was crazy and everybody is mad at me?
TL;DR, My meta and I were friends before we were poly, but now that we've moved in and she's dating my partner, things are tense, even downright nasty. I am experiencing jealousy and am therefore blamed for this, but I feel that this is unfair and she has been acting poorly, possibly on purpose, possibly not. I'm so riddled with jealousy and anxiety at this point, I don't know what to think! Can anybody else relate? If so, what helped you through this? Am I right to blame her for some of our issues, or am I a crazy person projecting all my problems onto an innocent meta?
This relationship currently involves me (22), N (22), J(23), and K(22). N and I have been dating for four years; we were always poly, but neither of us had found another partner until J came along just over a year ago. I fell for J very quickly, and I began dating them (N is allowed to date them if she wants, but is not interested). It was of course a rough transition, but N was involved every step of the way. She was the first person I called when J said yes to dating me; I told her everything she wanted to know anytime she asked; we had frequent conversations, both as a couple and a 'cule. We were pretty successful and things were going alright when we added K.
K has been N's best friend for a long time, and a good friend of mine since Highschool. She was in a messy, abusive relationship for about five years. N and I convinced her to leave, in part because we assured her she would have a safe place at home with us. At around this time, N was graduating from college, and so me, J and N were looking to move. We needed another roommate to make things work financially, and that arrangement allowed K a way out. Another reason we convinced her to leave was, well... She had feelings for J for a while, and she was interested in trying poly.
This seems perfect, I thought. I love K and I can't wait to have her be part of the family. She'll be safe with us and I can trust J to be good to her. J and I had a few issues with our relationship, but so did N and I before we brought in J, and I didn't think it would be a big deal. I even thought it might help! You see, with two partners, I am spread a little thin sexually and I thought K might help take the pressure off. So K signed a lease with us and I just sort of... Waited for nature to take it's course and the two to get together. Which happened a month or so ago.
Haha, silly me, I forgot emotions existed. This all worked out fine on paper but my emotions are complicating this. When the two first started dating, I was mostly happy that they were happy. I felt a little jealous but not enough I felt I needed to voice it. But it feels like the more time passes, and the more I see them together, the more jealous I become. It's gotten to the point I've been having panic attacks walking in the door to our apartment, knowing I will see the two of them cuddling, kissing, and flirting together inside and it will drive me insane. I've been able to pinpoint that my jealousy is mostly made of fear and anger. The anger is scary; I've never been so angry before and it can be very consuming.
Though I am realizing now we never set any expectations when J and K started dating (I didn't even find out until several days later), we've had several talks about the fact that I feel so jealous, and the 'cule has framed the issue around me having unfounded jealous feelings about K, who has been doing everything just fine. But the more I read, journal, and talk this through with my support, I'm realizing K may have been behaving in a way that deliberately stokes my jealousy.
K and I were good friends before this, and when J isn't around we sometimes still are. But when J is there it's awful. She will be perfectly kind one time and rude, snippy, sometimes downright mean the next. She is constantly "correcting" me (saying, "that's not how that works," "you're doing it wrong") about things that don't need to be corrected. She is very defensive of J and will police my tone when I talk to them, even though I am talking to J the way I always do. She's even overheard a conversation I was having with J and interjected to say that I sounded like a bitch. When I disagree with J on little things (like, if I enjoyed the movie we just watched) she is very quick to "take J's side," and put me down in comparison to her, if that makes sense.
The worst instance of this happened earlier this week. K requested that J sleep in her bed for the night, which I agreed to. Later that night I heard them having sex. According to our agreement this is allowed, but this time due to the amount of jealousy and insecurity I found it deeply upsetting. I ended up having a panic attack. I did not interrupt the two of them, but I did go to grab my journal to vent and slammed a door on the way (something I have acknowledged was an inappropriate way to communicate, and apologized for). J heard that, realized I might be upset, and after they finished came to check on me and we talked for an hour or so. This infuriated K, who left for a two hour midnight drive.
We all had a talk together the next day. K, still furious, told me she was tired of her relationship revolving around me, and that the sex they had together that night was the best sex of her life. I said that hurt me. She told me that was good, I needed to feel that pain and get used to it, because she wasn't going to stop anytime soon. Because I somehow still felt I was at fault for needing J I apologized profusely. It wasn't until a day or two ago I realized that was an extremely inappropriate thing for her to say to me. J said nothing about this either. After coming to the realization that this incident was inappropriate, I recognized the behavior patterns leading up to it that had made me so jealous in the first place. She insists every time we talk that she's doing everything she can to make me feel welcome and secure.
SO ALL OF THAT TO SAY, I'm really not sure how to proceed from here. I've told J and N the patterns I've noticed, but not K because that's pretty terrifying. This whole time we've been talking about my feelings like they are an unfounded issue. Because of that, I'm anxious I've somehow gone insane with jealousy and may be seeing things that aren't there. For now I've asked them to just watch how K interacts with me without saying anything so I can objectively confirm this is happening. After that.... I have no clue. I confront her? I have J confront her? It turns out I was crazy and everybody is mad at me?
TL;DR, My meta and I were friends before we were poly, but now that we've moved in and she's dating my partner, things are tense, even downright nasty. I am experiencing jealousy and am therefore blamed for this, but I feel that this is unfair and she has been acting poorly, possibly on purpose, possibly not. I'm so riddled with jealousy and anxiety at this point, I don't know what to think! Can anybody else relate? If so, what helped you through this? Am I right to blame her for some of our issues, or am I a crazy person projecting all my problems onto an innocent meta?