Jumping in with both feet

N

NooPolyBee

New member
Good morning!

Well, if you'd told me three months ago "you're going to be in a poly relationship", I'd have thought "huh? Um... wot?"

I've always figured myself pretty open minded, felt polyamory and variations on the theme was perfectly fine as long as all parties are consenting adults etc.

Short backstory is that my beau and I have been together for a year, I'm recently divorced (this is a good thing), and my guy has been... an honest to goodness prince charming. He's supportive in every way and because of that I feel confident in bringing in selective other people in to our family. We'd originally just thought a good connection or two and a bit of swinging but in talking found we both prefer more emotional attachment than that.

Getting to the point... So, we found a fantastic couple! We've both connected so well with the girl, a bit less with the guy. But we've hit a snag.. or I have. I've been less than confident or comfortable with the idea of my beau and her playing without me and had asked that they not. Well, one week down and yup, it happened.

So far, my beau was 100% up front with me and told me about it. She and I have talked and she has relayed how awful she feels. Both of them have been showing very clearly that they want to build my trust back up in them. But.. yeah.. a but.. It's a struggle. I've never dealt with jealousy before and there are pangs of that. But I'm trying to isolate what made me upset about them not respecting my ask and the bits of jealousy that are popping up from each other.... I may be going about this the wrong way in separating them, but in my head, it seems like they are separate issues, even though the first compounds the second.

And the question is... Thoughts please? Guidance? Common experience?

This is something I want to make work for the sake of all of us.

Oh, also, I've been reading through the MoreThanTwo site and picked up the Ethical Slut, both have been helpful.
 
Hi and welcome.

Well, first thing I noticed about your post is how you seem to want a group thing, which can really cause things to go awry. "Bringing other people into your family," getting involved with a couple despite less of a connection with one of them, your partner not "allowed" to have sex with his gf without you -- these all point to you having some idea that you have to be a team to engage in poly.

ALL relationships, whether poly or mono, work best when people respect each other's autonomy. So, how exactly do you expect to "bring someone into" your existing relationship? As an add-on? People are not like pickles you add to your sandwich! The entire notion that you add anyone to a relationship sounds so silly. What is more accurate is that you develop relationships with different people, and your beau also develops relationships with different people. If one or more of them happen to be the same people, cool, but it isn't necessary! A hierarchy isn't necessary either!

Why a couple? Especially if you don't feel much connection with the guy? Must you only be involved with a couple? The likelihood that four people will all hit it off from the get-go is very low. Most successful quads develop organically, and usually after one of the people in a couple has connected with another and then feelings grow naturally as they all spend time together, but if you don't connect with the guy NOW, you don't have to be sexual or emotionally involved with him - nor should any of you expect that.

Finally, if I were you, I'd let go of the whole notion that your beau can't have sex with her if you're not there. That is basically forcing yourself on her, and very unfair.

Don't embark on polyamory (or any kind of adult relationship) if you're not prepared to deal with your own feelings. Do not even attempt non-monogamy if you think that controlling others' behaviors is a valid way to help you handle your own emotions. It isn't. Your inner work is yours alone to do.
 
Hmmm... Lots of food for thought right there.

I should mention that we'd originally started with a couple because we were just into the idea of swinging a bit... It has rather rapidly changed from that.
I have no specific need for it to be a couple at all. It just happened to have worked out that way when we were meeting people.

You're right, of course, about the solo play "rule"... It was unfair. But please don't assume I'm not interested or willing to deal with my feelings. That's why I'm here.
 
We did that once with a couple. With both of us having kids, we opted for one on one with the other's spouse. It was good except he was an ass and a manipulator. Don't let that part concern you. If both of the others in the couple want to work with you on issues. It also doesn't have to be mf.... mf swap. We had a daisy chain that was great fun I was getting oral as my wife did her oral ans she was fucked by the husband. I would do it again. Also after my wife came back from sex with a guy we have had some of the best sex. You have to grow in to poly, especially the sex part, Good Luck
 
Oh our four way was fantastic! The three of us mff was as well. No jealousy or discomfort in any of that. In regard to the other guy, he's wonderful! There just didn't happen to be as strong of an emotional attachment with him as with her.

And for the sake of "the record", after the mff last week, I'd been ready to ditch the ask of no solo because I'd thought it was asking too much. Following morning I had to leave to get my kids unexpectedly and while I was out, they just kept going.

I do see the ask as foolish on my part in hind sight. But the lack of respect for the ask still has triggered a lot of jealousy that I really wasn't expecting at all. This really is my first time ever experiencing jealousy, so it's very foreign.
 
Then you have to way to go. Just let it happen. It is not so mush a lack of respect as it just happens. My wife has had that.... I get "I know I was only to give him a bj, but his cock was so nice I had to have it in me' I just rolled with it and said climb on, she fucked the shit out of me. Also a fmf and mfm in it's self is fun. everyone should have two on them. the 4th person not joining in can be a drag on them all
 
There are two issues here. You're already seeing how your request was less than reasonable or unfair, but the other thing on their side is their not having honored agreements that they made. Have have they talked about how they will work to regain your trust?
 
Yes, nycindie, they've been talking and have both relayed how bad they felt about that piece. She and I are going to go have a girls day this weekend to just stretch our legs and relax. I think we're planning dinner as a whole group that evening to rehash what we all want out of this and what's working so far, what isn't.

All of this has happened in pretty rapid succession, so there's no denying that it's .. a lot.

I'm always willing to admit being in the wrong or biting off more than I can chew... but, to beat the metaphor, I'm also the sort to digest the lesson. And not make the same mistake.
 
Not to downplay your situation, but you seem to have it managed and a lot less drama than other problems discussed on here. Girls day is good and so is the family dinner
 
Oh, as for how they'd regain my trust... We haven't really talked about it in those terms specifically yet. They've both said they'd be patient, and really, after that it's my responsibility to address my fears or the roots of the jealousy and make that leap of faith.
 
We had small jealousy issues in the beginning, I am so glad we got rid of them. Our playmate is one of her ex BFs, nice guy, we get along great, we both know how to make her cum like crazy, it was strange in the beginning. He is poly and doesn't know it. SOciety has programmed him to be mono
 
The Wind, thank you for that. That actually helps a lot...

Also, nycindie's first comment was kind of a slap to the face.. that was needed. I don't know if that was the intent, but it had that effect.
 
NooPolyBee said:
Also, nycindie's first comment was kind of a slap to the face.. that was needed. I don't know if that was the intent, but it had that effect.
Click to expand...
Tough love, I guess you could call my style. Only offered in the spirit of helpfulness. Didn't mean it as a slap, but glad that you took it as a wake-up call of sorts. Hang in there!
 
Welcome , I have found that thinking of the other person as a tool for foreplay helps. I have been horny for my wife, but exhausted, the other guy really helped out getting her wet and ready. And I did not feel bad for only caring about my orgasms.
You may want to negotiate back massages to help with regaining your trust... I love back massages,
 
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I think you are right to separate the jealousy from the almost immediate disregard of an agreement they made with you. Did you ask them not to because you felt it was something they were on the verge of doing? Was there a discussion as to how long you wanted to try to get comfortable with the idea or what conditions would help you be more comfortable? If they are having some New Relationship Energy going they would have been wiser to avoid circumstances that could lead to breaking the agreement. NRE can make it hard to be wise, especially if everyone is new to poly and blindsided by emotion. The fact that they seem to have almost immediately come clean seems good to me if it leads to a better understanding on their part as to how they can go about keeping their word in the future. You say things have changed rapidly. I wonder if you all have had time to read up on what to expect and/or discuss your various needs and desires? There is lots of in-depth discussion, and suggestions here for books and websites which would be helpful on issues such as yours and poly in general. Do some searches and poke around in people's blogs. I hope things get better for you soon.

Leetah
 
Leetah, the request was made when we were just considering swinging. But when the question came up a few days later, it was absolutely something that I was still not comfortable with. So I reaffirmed that request.

We didn't really talk about any specific time frame that request would last for though. I think that's one of those points where I'd needed to say more specifics and the two of them should have asked for clarification, or bring up the request for discussion about how they felt about it.

After a lot of talking these last few days, I'm getting to the point where I'm able to let a lot more of the jealousy go. One thing last night that came up was abandonment issues. I didn't think I'd had any. But after my ex husband... I guess there are a few. (Binge drinker, used to not come home, no calls, no info... once got a call from a hospital after he'd concussed himself after a night of drinking). My beau is nothing like that and has always been there for me at any moment so it didn't occur to me to connect the two. After that came up in the discussion last night, a pretty huge weight seemed to come off.

It's also helped that no one has tried to minimize or brush off what I've said.
 
It sounds to me like you are all headed in the right direction with communication and respecting each other's feelings. New relationships of any kind often have missteps at the beginning (hah. and beyond the beginning!) I'm glad to hear this one seems to be being handled well by all and lessons learned.

Leetah
 
Hi NooPolyBee,

Your beau and the other girl shouldn't have broken their agreement with you, it would have been better if they had approached you to renegotiate the agreement beforehand. It does seem a little strict to say that they can only be together if you're present as well. Maybe there's some jealousy and insecurity you could work on there?

It does seem like things are improving though. That's good to hear.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you everyone for your input.
There are still some insecurities I didn't realize I had that I'm needing to work through, but me and E (our girl) did have a great day together Saturday which allowed for our own connections to form more secury and further made the path more smooth. T ( my beau) has continued to listen when I have questions or concerns without dismissing any of them.

The two of them are working with me to rebuild confidence and trust in regard to the broken agreement piece.

I figured this wouldn't be easy. It's a relationship. As far as I'm concerned, things worth having are not usually easily won.
 
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